samwisegameboy

Ephemeral artist, ameteurish GIF-maker, professional Blaidd appreciator.

[blaiddfailcam]

Blaidd (again)

Another weird practice painting featuring that one guy. I was testing how I could get away with using a painterly style to convey texture, but then it just kind of evolved. I'm getting there, though.

[kushblazer666]

[kushblazer666]

[potaetoe]

Boreal Toothpaste

[qelflinq]

[blaiddfailcam]

gitaroo i'm so sorry they lumped you in with all that shit

[shakuya]

ŌKAMI + bosses ↪ Ninetails (True Form) ❀

[greelin]

the way this video never ceases to make me genuinely lose my mind for some reason

[blaiddfailcam]

i love the combat in siren because it's essentially baseball. in fact, eiji nagoshi's bald head kind of looks like a baseball... and he carries a baseball bat.....

[blaiddfailcam]

[brightlydust]

happy pride

[blaiddfailcam]

hapoy blaidd month

[blaiddfailcam]

personally, i think more jrpg parties should be like this

[blaiddfailcam]

i swear pride month always arrives when i'm digging into my frustrations with my sexuality/trauma and gnashing my teeth at how badly i was damaged and that i'll likely never have the confidence to pursue relationships or view sex as anything but dangerous and hurtful lol. but at least i'm finally getting help, i guess

[dolloddityart]

Depeche Mode 🦢🥀

[blaiddfailcam]

trying to find the simplest and least alarming way to say that i've been kind of detached lately because i've been

reconciling that i was repeatedly molested as a kid and was groomed into some dark sexual shit from a very young age, but i never knew how to ask for help with either of those issues for 20 years because i knew telling on my abuser would devastate someone else close to me and frankly i thought that chapter was over after my abuser was caught in possession of CP, but no, my brain was—is—still very much damaged and i have never had a healthy or happy view on sex because of it. i tried to stifle my issues for all this time, but last year i actually had a severe psychotic break and... it wasn't pretty, but at least i didn't hurt anyone. even so, i've been really scared ever since, and only recently started to finally open up to my mom and a new therapist.

i... don't know how i survived this long. my brain has been an ouroboros of hate and fear and psychological self-harm and porn for as long as i can remember. but i finally broke out. i kicked my bad habits months ago. i feel like the person i could only pretend to be for all these years. but i'm also crushed by frustration and guilt that it took me so long to wake up... i'm scared i might have irreversibly scarred my psyche and will never be able to see sex as anything but monstrous.

that said, i was lying about being ace/aro for this long. i like big hairy men. i realized that years ago, but was again too scared to admit it, more so because i had deceived myself into thinking i wasn't worthy of love and refused to open my heart to the possibility of a romantic partner.

that is, until i realized how someone no longer in my life made my heart sing every time i saw him... i didn't even put it together that i loved him until i said goodbye on his last day at the company. i never felt that before. and it was that moment i knew i needed to finally face my fears and start asking for help. i'm so sorry, [crush]. i miss you every day, but maybe that's weird.

anyway, it feels kind of nice carving out all the annoying sex stuff from my online experience (no offense). i like it. it's quiet. i've wanted this since i was little. i feel like i'm free from that secret hell, even if it really hurts having to acknowledge what i fuckup i really was, or the terrible person i could have become if i hadn't had such a supportive family through the years (even if i never told them what was troubling me, i know they always kept me in check).

i wish so much had been different. i hope i never go back. i want nothing more than to be a source of good and respect for the rest of my life. i want to see through a healthy, normal person's eyes. i want to go to sleep and not dread waking up to another day of cptsd. i want everyone to just be safe.

[blaiddfailcam]