𝙵𝚁𝙾𝙼 𝙰𝚂𝙷𝙴𝚂 / 𝙸 𝚁𝙸𝚂𝙴

[silencedglaive]

it isn't only hotaru that's changed since they made the decision to walk hand in hand with one another, it would seem. she has no misconceptions about the kind of person kai is. his unshakeable commitment to himself is one of the qualities she admires most, after all. but where sharp edges & barbed words may have once lashed in her direction, he's almost indulgent with her. trusting her proximity, not flinching from her touch, waiting patiently for her.

it's very sweet.

hotaru managed only a single step away before kai's hand slipped from hers & found her wrist, pulling her back to him. her mouth barely formed around a startled ❝ ah ! ❞ at the sudden shift before it was claimed by his, & her surprise quickly faded away, leaving space for that now familiar, warm sense of fondness & contentment that always seemed to occupy the space between her ribs whenever kai kissed her. with his hand cradling her head ( like something delicate, something precious ), she was more than happy to indulge him in this brief distraction.

hotaru melted into the moment, a quiet little sound in the back of her throat as she returned kai's display. her hands, which had landed on his chest in the haste of kai's advances, slid over the curve of his shoulders, gently gripping the material of his shirt. if he longed to have her close still, well, who was she to deny him ?

[blazingsourpuss]

                 She didn't think of him as lesser. She didn't think of him as a beast. & maybe that in it of itself was a comfort to Kai. While he lent himself no favors when it came to interaction, to know there are people out there that saw him for him; the blatantly disregard some parts of him as they did not shape his whole being was a blessing. He dare not say this aloud to his friends (look at that, friends), nor to her. Let them see it through his reluctance to make them stop. That seemed like the more appropriate way without having to spell it out for everyone; unsure if he'd know how.

                 The surprise did not deter him. Kai knew Hotaru enough that if she didn't want something, there was no amount of anything that can make her cave. She might waiver on some things but he had notice a switch in confidence. Certain conversation that will not repeated could be fully summed up in two phrases; 'NO IS A FULL STATEMENT.' & 'WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?' Some people would argue that such statements aren't all the time helpful, but it seems to be doing enough to stand on convictions (this coaching coming from the king of 'NO'.)

                 Kai relaxed into her, letting her arms wrap around his broadened frame. Although he did not return the embrace, the intensity of the kiss did not wavier. 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑. They had to break though (just a little longer) & he did, but Kai did not bother to remove Hotaru from his person.

                  𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆

                 ❛ I'm not in a rush to find them. They'll turn up---eventually. ❜

[silencedglaive]

@blazingsourpuss. / thread continued.

her cheeks, normally so pale she resembled porcelain, were rosy, the apple of each tingling with every whip of hair that lashed against her features, caught in the wind. but hotaru couldn't find it within herself to voice any complaints. not when kai lingered so close to her, speaking into her crown, the warm puffs of his breath slipping through the woven thread of the hat upon her head.

❝ you worry too much. ❞ she chided, gentle even through the slight tremble of her voice. her teeth may not be chattering, but this is cold is a little brutal even for her. his concern wasn't undeserved. to speak over the material of the scarf, she has to lift her chin, watching the way her words turn to clouds of mist as soon as they leave her.

❝ maybe you're right. maybe we should go back inside. ❞ it felt almost a waste to relent so easily, but they could see the snow from their room. they didn't need to be caught in the flurries themselves. reluctantly, she straightened from kai, squeezing his bicep once to quietly signal her acquiescence. if he let her linger here, she would stay until every inch of her body had numbed from the cold, too lost in the wonder of the landscape to care for her own discomfort. then she really would need his assistance. ❝ but i won't make you carry me. i know this may be surprising to you, but my legs do work. ❞

[blazingsourpuss]

          He did not expect her to try & deal with the cold; to try & withstand the hardness of the populated tundra in order to appreciate its majesty. This would have been better suited for the summer or spring. Those who did not grow up this would be hard pressed to continue on stay for whatever length of time they chose. But no, he had to do business & with said business ran the risk of hearing from 𝐇𝐈𝐌. Memories of a harsh childhood with an 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐄 to be the best; to make it to the top to earn respect, attention, affection. Oh, how the shaped the poor boy today.

          𝐒𝐇𝐄'𝐒 𝐋𝐄𝐅𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐅𝐈𝐗 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐍. & Kai internally didn't know how to handle that. His own brand of fixing what was broken was to keep others away until he was ready to have his space invaded. That didn't last long when meeting Takao & the others that fell in suit. One day he will thank them for preparing him to allow someone he wanted in his space. Until then, this was fine.

          ❛ Be happy I worry at all. ❜ His retort sounded gruff but he did not mean it in that way. Hotaru knew by now & yet sometimes, after he heard it back in his hand, Kai felt inclined to correct himself & his tone. He gave the wrong impression to other people enough. ❛ I will take your word for it. But, let me know if the walk back becomes difficult. ❜ He made it sound like they were trekking through the forest. But no, just the bustling streets of Moscow, dusted with freshly fallen snow. ❛ Has your folks pinged you for the tenth time today yet? ❜ He inquired. ❛ Tell your 'papa' I will eat you eventually. ❜ He was a 𝐁𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐄 after all.

[silencedglaive]

poor thing. the discontent is obvious in the sour curve of his features, the way he crosses his arms to close himself off from the rest of the world - from her. earlier in their relationship, the thought may have stung. may have made her retreat into herself, find some way to make herself smaller in order to leave enough space for him & his feelings. but she isn't so timid or easy to shrink - not anymore. instead, she unflinchingly steps into the bubble of discomfort with kai, determined to stand at his side & share in the moment.

❝ i know you do, ❞ she sympathizes, tenderly caressing the curve of his cheek with a cool palm. coaxing him to look in her eyes, to see the sincerity reflected in the warm, violet hues staring back at him. she will not flinch away. ❝ if you want my opinion - you're still incredibly handsome. ❞ hotaru stands on the tips of her toes, her gentle touch beckoning him close enough for her to press the lightest kiss she can manage on the tip of his nose.

❝ now, come on. we should start looking around. ❞ with that kind insistence, she's pulling him with her. they won't get any looking done just standing here. & the sooner they could find his other pair of glasses, the sooner she could try to find something that would lift his spirits again.

[blazingsourpuss]

          Kai was a man of very FEW words but when he opted to speak, he made to sure that whatever he was going to say counted for something. He preferred to let his actions speak for him; they did a better job than his mouth could ever do ( in his professional opinion ). Logically speaking, he was WELL AWARE that no one had touched anything of his. If anything, it was misplaced. Where would he be dumb enough to just leave is still a mystery & until it turns up the options were to have things up on his face to read or BUCK UP & wear the spares.

𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆.

He'll wear the spare.

          The blader stood tall as she came closer, invading his space with a CONFIDENCE about her that wasn't present upwards of at least a year ago. She touched his face, he looked to her with silence acknowledgment; in tact her hand will stay & still he stood. He remembered kindness. Hotaru has been nothing BUT kind to him even when he was sure he didn't deserve her to be so.

(𝐃𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐌𝐄𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐄?)

(𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐈'𝐋𝐋 𝐒𝐀𝐘. 𝐁𝐔𝐓, 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐍𝐎𝐖, 𝐈 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖.)

          Kai still didn't speak, but hummed his answer. "Hm. Mhm." & yet, the need to search for his glasses became the last thing on his mind. She pecked him gently & looked to pull away. With little effort ( she barely weighted anything, anyway ), Kai pulled Hotaru back into his orbit. 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑. Just to have her there. Just to pull his hand behind her head & connect their lips like so. No escaping little one.

          Maybe the glasses aren't so bad.

[blazingsourpuss]

[incoming text] ✉ when's dinner?

[big ol' sourpuss] : depends. who's buying.

[blazingsourpuss]

Text from Ty : kiss kiss fall in love

[big ol' sourpuss] : how do you keep getting this number? [big ol' sourpuss] : this better be good.

[remanence-of-love]

[blazingsourpuss]

@silencedglaive

[silencedglaive]

there it is. though some may interpret his response as childish, hotaru can see the rare display of vulnerability for what it is. she's witnessed this mythical replacement pair once or twice, & certainly never for longer than absolutely necessary. his assertion really isn't much of a surprise.

❝ i know they aren't your favorite, ❞ she acknowledges gently, placing her palm on his shoulder. it's a featherlight weight, one he could easily shrug away if the touch was deemed unwanted for the moment. she's learned not to take it so personally. ❝ we could always look around here for a while first. i doubt the others would've taken something as important as your glasses very far ... ❞

at least, she hopes they wouldn't.

[blazingsourpuss]

        If he could hear her thoughts, there was a high chance he'd be offended. Not because it was accurate, but because it shined a light on how childish & vain he was in this moment. Not want he wanted to hear. Even if they weren't taken; even if he was just misplaced by him, the least that could be done was HUMORING him & his ego just a bit. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Kai was just like everyone else. He cared about how he looked; what his appearance represented to world. It was his shield. His armor. Talk a big game all the time, your look needs to match the energy output.

        His gruff of acknowledgement was vocal but soft. The air she wafted as the hand was placed on his shoulder almost had a calming effect. Wonder if she knew the effect she truly had on him. Hotaru was quite the dangerous woman in that way. How difficult it was to be the act he placed on around other with her around. There was a sigh. Kai turned his head to look at the bag & reached into it, fiddling with a pocket before pulling out something black & bulky by his standards. He opened & slipped them on.

        Kai turned back his head & face Hotaru. How lucky was he that only she was in here right now. Seeing him in such an unkept state (in his delusional thought he thought so) was nerve wracking. Kai folded his arms; an unconscious thing he did protect himself.

        ❛ I hate this. ❜ How insightful.

[silencedglaive]

❛ you’ve never seen snow before? ❜ (blazingsourpuss)

( winter themed sentence starters ! / accepting ! )

❝   of course i've seen snow before, it's just ...   ❞   hotaru trails off, lips parted in silent wonder as she turns her gaze towards the sky. around them, the falling snow seems to dance, caught in the winter wind & swirling in nonsensical patterns. she feels the flakes that find a soft place to land on her face, in the slight wet chill caressing her cheeks, her eyelashes. a silly, sentimental part of her wishes she could capture this moment - something beyond a picture. something more tangible than that. a memory she could cradle between her palms, to revisit the softness of the moment whenever her heart longed for something ... easier.

❝   i've never seen it like ... this.   ❞   she admits, quiet & gentle. as if the vibrations of her voice could disturb the tranquility that's falling all around them. the hand not curving around kai's arm extends outward, fingertips twitching as she catches one snowflake, then another, then more, & then too many to count.

❝   thank you for bringing me here, kai.   ❞   gingerly, hotaru shifts, falling into step directly beside him. she winds her other arm around his, head leaning to rest her cheek against the snow-dampened shoulder of his coat. she knows they can't stand out here forever, that there are places kai wants to show her, fireplaces to warm up beside. but she wants to enjoy this one, quiet moment for as long as she can.   ❝   it's so beautiful.   ❞

@blazingsourpuss

[blazingsourpuss]

       Maybe he was a different breed to person but whenever he saw how others looked at the thick blankets of alabaster that covered the streets of Moscow, he found himself confused. In Kai's eyes, there was nothing special about it. It no longer held the whimsy for him as it did everyone else. For Kai, snow was nothing more than a reminder. LONELY NIGHTS spent wonder why he father chose blading over her. DEPRESSING WINTER STORM that brought with them the rejection felt by his mother & FROZEN WINDOW PANES that reminded him how unworthy he was in his grandfather's eyes. How much did he envy her ability to find this wonderful.

       ❛ Hm. This isn't the worst of it thought. ❜ He stated. ❛ Moscow is fortunate to be able to be slightly more elevated than the country-side. They can get buried in of snow. ❜ There were many a time where he and Dranzer would spend time out in blizzards, running drills & weathering the sheer cold. Fingers bruised & blue from ripping the cord over & over again; frost bite daring to take limbs & appendages if he were to push his luck any further. A wonder to admire. A force to be feared. If only he knew that the one who stood next to him in awe of winter's chill could put its murder count to shame.

       Hotaru's weight shifted to lean against him. Not everyone was built for this weather, even the people that lived here full time. & yet, here was attempting to last out here for as long has he can.

       DO YOU KNOW HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE TO ME?

       I DON'T DESERVE THE GIFT THAT IS YOU.

       Kai's face rested on the crown of her head, hair shielded by the had he made her wear. He couldn't smell it, but he remembered the scent of her hair & out of instinct he breathed in deep & out. ❛ How are you holding up. ❜ His voice was a bit muffled given the position. ❛ Let me know if you're freezing, I'll carry you back to the hotel. ❜

[silencedglaive]

though she would never say it aloud, hotaru cannot help the wicked thought that passes through her mind : he's so dramatic. she knows kai would have been thorough, but at his gesture she glances into the bag anyway, careful to keep her gaze cursory. she's wise enough to not rifle through any of the remaining contents herself.

❝ for what it's worth, i think i prefer the role of alibi to ' assistant body hider ' anyways. ❞ she answers, humming thoughtfully. this might put a slight delay on their post - practice plans, but she doesn't mind. despite kai's apparent annoyance, hotaru does enjoy the company of his teammates.

❝ are you going to get your revenge before or after we look for your backup pair ? ❞

[blazingsourpuss]

                              He knew why they were doing it & quite frankly, he figured they were alittle too OLD for these types of middle-school games. The running consensus in the Beyblade circles (from people they knew) was that he couldn't take a joke. QUITE THE CONTRARY. Jokes were meant to be funny. Who decided that THEFT was funny. Color him dramatic---at least he was not outwardly upset. At least BY HIS STANDARDS. Who wants to break the news to his face that he looks like he was ALREADY hiding the body?

                            ❛ ...I hate my backup pair. ❜ The backup pair in question is the typical 'nerd' glasses. Thick black rims, square/rectangle in shape and looked huge from a distance. The problem with these---they ACTUALLY looked nice on his face. But, just like those who WANTED to protect their image, Kai had his primary pair. Thin silver rims, oval shaped that sometimes sat on the bridge of his nose. He liked that especially. He did have a tendency to LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE. & that was IF he didn't feel like wearing his contacts. 

[silencedglaive]

open starter !

hotaru crosses her arms, looking at them with her head tilted & the corners of her mouth struggling to stay neutral. some strange hybrid between pity & confusion.

❝ ... do you ... want me to pretend i didn't see that ? ❞

[blazingsourpuss]

                         Nope. She was allowed to watch his SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS that was only brought on by those who [quietly] dubbed as both friends & teammates. That problem was, however, that was that Kai was not good at taking a joke. In fact, the jury was still out on weather or not he had a funny bone to begin with. Well, this was PROOF that he didn't in this moment. Touching his stuff---BIG NO NO. Kai was overly meticulous with his stuff & while his bag looked OK to the untrained eye, he knew his stuff was gone. Mainly....his fucking glasses. All he did was bag to Hotaru.

                       ❛ No. I want to bear witness to this. I will need a DEFENSE when I murder them in cold blood. ❜

[silencedglaive]

  hotaru tries to not consider herself the impatient type. not normally, at least  but surely there is nothing NORMAL about the way kai toys with her, gradually feeding the fire that he’s ignited inside of her, only giving just enough to leave her still wanting. all kindling instead of the inferno she craves.

  she whimpers beneath him, the feeling of his mouth on her breast sending current after current of electricity through her. it lights her up like a storm in the night, hips stuttering with each roll of thunder, her entire body squirming with nowhere for the excess energy to direct itself. 

when he pulls away, she is equal parts relieved & disappointed beyond measure. violet eyes fly open, wide & unfocused. for the first time since kai pressed her into the hard oak, hotaru breathes deeply, her whole body shuddering under the weightlessness of the temporary reprieve. she already feels a chill settling over her, the cool air so drastically different from the warmth of his frame against hers. she can still feel every inch of skin that was just pressed against him, a lingering heat that makes the rest of her colder. clumsy fingers reach for her own body, lifting herself from his desk just enough to shed the now very disheveled clothing from her top half. it was only going to keep getting in the way. ( & she certainly couldn't have that. )

the world returns to focus as kai tears his shirt from his body. & hotaru -- she is greedy, drinking in the sight of him with a shameless, wide-eyed stare. though she craves his warmth, being deprived may be worth it if this is the gift being unwrapped before her. her fingers twitch, longing to touch & feel him, to trace along kai’s torso until she could recreate every inch ( every, a thought that worsens her blush in an instant ) with her eyes closed. her eagerness betrays her - when he dives, she lunges, nails scraping against the skin just beneath his collarbone as she allows herself the opportunity to explore. 

words cannot convey the want, the excitement, that spreads through her. she hopes that her kiss will - that within the press of her lips & the curl of her tongue, she can convince him of her fervor. fingers tangling in his hair, tracing his jaw, gripping at his shoulders, all desperate to show him the consequences of his actions, the unraveling he's subjecting her to. she can't remember the last time she wanted something so badly.

it doesn’t - couldn’t - escape her notice, the heat pressing beneath her skirt. hotaru shifts, the legs around kai’s waist trying to pull him closer, holding him against her while she allows herself this modest expedition. even though they are both bare from the waist up, she cannot have enough - not of him, not of this contact, not of this feverish need to kiss him until there’s nothing else in her mind but the feeling of him pressed against her.

[blazingsourpuss]

                          𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑 𝐈𝐒 𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐋 𝐈𝐍 𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐋 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐌 & 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐏𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑. That in it of itself made it HARDER to keep a lid on his excitement. & while the thought of turning her over onto her belly, ripping the fabric that kept him from his prize & STEALING what was to be rightfully his, Kai had enough RESPECT & RESTRAINT to not ruin this experience for her. He wanted her to come back for more. Again. & Again. & Again. 

From her well, he drank. Pushing his lips harder into her own knowing damn well he risked bruising her. Good. Go home little firefly & explain to those who love you how you got those bruising. Kai was cursed to do the same but with little care as to who knew what. The RED marks of Hotaru's passion dressed his already reddening skin; heated skin sweetly stinging as Kai brought his hands to wrap around Hotaru's thigh. His forearm rested on the covered flesh while open palm grip ( gently ) supple inner thighs.

                                                     𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐁𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐌𝐍𝐄𝐃

                            He is willing to ignore her whine & her need to keep him close & finally tear away from her. Kai did not kiss again, or any part of her above. The NORTH was treated well enough; 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑. But now, it was time to venture SOUTH win favor there. Kai pulled back & stood up again as he SURVEYED his. The skirt can stay on. He liked the skirt. His eagerness threated to show & he did not care anymore.

                              Down he crouched & arms pulled her legs wider as if he could see through the opaque stocking in front of him. These she CLEARLY didn't need & Kai no longer possessed the PATIENECE to remove them with grace & preserve their integrity. 𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐋 𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐌𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓.  The seam was easy to find & easy to tear. The soft fabric of her panties now in his line of sight. Now, those he won't rip. Can't send the poor girl home with NOTHING on her person. He cared enough to not send her home eventually with 𝐍𝐎 𝐁𝐑𝐀 & 𝐍𝐎 𝐏𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒.

                              Without a second thought, index & middle finger pulled the fabric to the side, exposing to himself what he was sure many sought for. It was DRENCH & ENGORGED, BEGGING FOR ATTENTION. & who was he to deny such a pretty flower admiration? 

          𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐍𝐎 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄. 𝐋𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄. 

                             Kai pulled Hotaru closer & laid a kiss upon her inner thigh. The left before moving the right. A kiss was placed upon the pubic region as it was not forgotten either & down once more to kiss his ultimate prize. & with his kiss, he SWORE he could feel it shiver.  Eagerness finally won.

                                          𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐋𝐅 𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐁.

                           Kai covered Hotaru's center with his mouth, handing one as him, lips & tounge worshipped her. Up his licked & against her, his tongue FLICKERED & SWIRLED, making it his mission to gather EVERYTHING she exspelled out of pleasure. He would ravish her this way. Wholeheartedly. Completely. The hooded bud before him was not abandoned in his pursuit. Sometimes he tickled it & sometimes he flattened his tongue and rubbed it roughly making sure to LAP LAP LAP like a desperate dog. His tongue spun, it flicked, it licked. It SPELLED HER NAME. 

                                      𝐏𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐏𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐏𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐆𝐎𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑.

[taamlok]

Pain festers in me... I try to keep it pushed down. I don't wanna hurt nobody.

[silencedglaive]

she's known this feeling before, in a lifetime so near & yet not her own. that familiar sour taste of being left behind, abandoned, forgotten. it's a cold that settles deep, woven into her bones; a cold that no fire could ever provide enough warmth to keep at bay. except, of course, everything about kai has always burned brighter than any fire she’s even known. dangerous, & yet, always able to draw her in again. 

❝ how dare you - ❞ she starts, the words catching on themselves. hotaru tells herself to move, to evade - get away before he can try & lower her guard with this act of tenderness. but the instant the curve of his palm reaches her cheek, her walls begin to crumble. what began as one tear becomes two, becomes more, becomes sadness that hazes her vision & spills over lower lashes too quickly for her to stop.

she wants to be comforted. she wants to let him wipe her tears, wants to lean closer into the calloused warmth of his palm. she wants to close her eyes & forget that these past few months ever happened - he’s just visiting her for the first time in a few days; she’ll lace her fingers through his & allow him to guide her somewhere else, anywhere else. a cafe for lunch, a museum to peruse, any place where it could be just the two of them. 

but of course it’s never that simple. ( things rarely are for her. )

this wasn't worth it. he could say that all he wants, but how could hotaru have ever considered any different ? it was clearly worth it when he didn't consider anything she did to contact him worthy of a reply. she can feel something hot churning in her chest, like a kettle beginning to whistle & scream as its contents boils.

❝ you have no idea how - how worried i was. i thought i did something wrong, i thought you hated me - you just left without a word ! like you didn’t care, like i never meant fucking anything - ❞ it's the first time in weeks she's let herself cry so openly about this. & by the stars does it hurt. but beneath that, beneath the raw anguish that still wants to wail & bare its teeth, there’s relief. she’s earned this.

& perhaps she's being selfish - it's the most self - centered she's allowed her words to be in a long, long time. but she doesn't care. her fingers are around his wrist, feeling the thrum of a pulse just beneath. she wants to push him away. she wants to pull him closer. all she can manage to do is squeeze, as though to give her power over a decision she has no desire to make.

❝ you have no idea what that did to me, ❞ hotaru whispers, the faintest remnants of venom still clinging to her tongue. the explosive wave of her grief has subsided, mellowing once more to barely brush along a battered shoreline. she doesn’t have the energy to maintain that heightened level for more than a moment or two. but proud through it all, her free hand rises to wipe the evidence of distress from her face, a long, shuddering breath escaping her chest. she feels … lighter, at least. not better, but lighter. ❝ if you’d wanted to break up with me, i would’ve preferred if you just said so. instead of - instead of this. ❞

[blazingsourpuss]

                                    He knew that nothing he was saying would be enough to forgive him for what he done. Kai did not DESERVE any forgiveness. The fact that she was willing to even hear him out & not just slam the door in his face & rightfully so. What he done & the way he did was INEXUSABLE, plain & simple. Rei was right, they weren't children anything & he was responsible for his own actions & feelings. No one else to DESERVES to be on the receiving end of his disregard.

                                & then, it happened. There was no way to escape his crime anymore for it was his negligence & disregard that brought him to this point. & she was nothing more than a CASUALITY of it all. Her tears fell; nothing else mattered to him in that instance. Not the tournament, not blading, not dranzer, not being the best. Its really UNFORTUNATE that in order to put priorities in order those that weren't before need to be burned. 

                           HANG HIM FOR THIS TRANSGRESSION! How dare he make her this way! & what does he have to say for himself? Well...what can he say? They were past the point of sorry & I'll never do it again. The best he could do, no, the only right thing to do was to let her get it all out in whatever way she saw fit. There was no RIGHT & WRONG in this instance.

                         & the more she cried into him & the more he made himself reflect on what he could have done different. Would have truly been that different to let her know BEFORE he left? A simple 'I am doing this thing & will be radio silent until we come back' would have been a thought REGULAR PEOPLE would have easily. Having to navigate this pesky thing love was becoming the most CHALLENGEING thing he'd had to work out to date. But, for her, it meant she'd never have to cry again because of him (OF ALL PEOPLE) he'd do anything.

                       He had a bit of a height difference on her & as she continued to curse his name Kai stayed silent. It was his signature & many people thought him rude for it. But, in the silence he listened. He observed & took mental notes. He did the same thing here because this CANNOT happen again. Not by him. Not by anyone. His hair continued to cover his eyes but Kai's gaze was still intense; he looked angry but to at her, never her.

                      Why wasn't she shoving him away? Why wasn't she telling him to leave & never come back? What wasn't she doing to him what he was SURE he deserves? It didn't make sense to him & that in it of itself, is a problem. It was not her job to teach him how to treat her. SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO. He knew that. He royally FUCKED up. ❛ If I wanted to break up, I wouldn't show my face to you ever again. But...I fear there is nothing I can do to fix this. ❜ His tone, SOMBER. His demeanor, DESPONDENT. HE HAD TO ADMIT DEFEAT. ❛ I already lost you...didn't I? ❜

                      Kai didn't wait for an answer out of fear of being proven right. He instead, allowed instinct to take over. This was probably the last time they would ever be like this & to end it in such a manner most UNBECOMING. He had to give her what she deserved. She had a right to it & not even he can keep it from her. Kai stepped alittle closer & almost shadowed her. Without thinking about it & not caring what will come to for doing it, Kai allowed his arm to wrap around Hotaru & envelope her in his embrace. Against his chest he held firm & in her neck his face buried. Any minute she'll push & kick him away & that will be ok. He braced himself for it but not before saying what needed to be said.

                    ❛ I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. ❜

                                                                       (LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!)

[the-moon-whisperer]

[silencedglaive]

IT HURTS, at first. hotaru tries not to flinch. his admission wounds her more than the firefly would care to admit, a series of thorns that constrict suddenly around that organ beating frantically in her chest. it was one thing, to live in the fantasy that perhaps he never knew, never realized to what degree she desperately tried to reach him over & over again. but no, of course not. he meant to ignore her. 

she lets him speak. it would do no good for her to interrupt anyways, & she hardly knows what she’s meant to say. should she THANK him for facing her after all this time, even if it only breaks her heart all over again ? this entire encounter is a shovel unearthing the soil piled high over all of her sadness, her dejection, forcing her to confront feelings she would’ve rather forgotten. it certainly would have been easier that way. still, never once does her gaze waver, fixated solely on his face, recommitting every feature of it. of course it hasn’t changed, but this isn’t the half-finished sketches she’s left behind in her notebook. this is real, this is kai.  then again, she doesn’t think he’s ever been so unwilling to meet her eyes like this before.

❝ i’m not going to SLAP you, hiwatari-kun. you should know me better than that by now, ❞ hotaru sighs, crestfallen. then, under her breath, she adds,  ❝ regardless of if i think you deserve it or not. ❞ as therapeutic as it would be, it isn’t in her nature. 

maron whines at her heels, desperate to be involved despite the heavy air that hovers around the two of them. for a moment, she is grateful for the distraction, for the reprieve, the opportunity to look away from the intensity of him. with a quick order for the pup to stay, hotaru steps forward, crossing over the threshold of her home & bringing the door to a close behind her. the decision leaves her standing just slightly closer to kai, something she realizes only after hearing the soft click behind her. & now her quickest method of escape is further out of reach. great.

❝ i knew. about the tournament, i mean. it was hard not to, since i used to try and … ❞ the words fade, & her hand waves the rest of the sentence away. it hardly matters now. ❝ congratulations on that, by the way. i mean it. you and your team should be proud. everyone’s clearly worked hard. you’ve clearly worked hard. ❞ the faintest traces of charcoal are still visible, caught on the ridges of her fingerprints, & she cannot help but remember the painting of dranzer she made for him. that feels like an eternity ago. was it still hanging in his study ? did he come home & see it & think of her again ? would he replace it with something else ? her eyes, they’re starting to burn - she blinks quickly, but the sting doesn’t go away. 

❝ … i hope it was worth it. ❞

[blazingsourpuss]

                                   He felt like all of this is wrong. Coming here was wrong. Saying nothing before he left was wrong. EVERYTHING WAS WRONG. & yet, his poor attempt to fix this situation was all he could do. What would have been the better options? Flowers? Candy? Money? As if Kai could do anything of that nonsense with a straight face & not the intent to murder the person who even managed to put him up to this. Granted at this rate, he was willing to do anything (within reason--this is Kai after all). Anything at all to ERASE what he had done.

                                  He could see the infliction of pain he put on her. The was she looked at him, spoke to him, the reluctance to touch him. It made him feel AWKWARD. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be putting her though any more pain. Would this not be deemed SELFISH on his part? Forcing her to face him as he attempts to fix this & soothe his own guilty conscious? No one could tell him that wasn't selfish.

                                     ❛ You should. ❜ He whispered finding himself slightly ANNOYED at her restraint. That made this all the more harder to face. Even after all od this, she was still being NICE to him. As it stood right now, that last thing he deserved, at least in his mind was her KINDNESS. The whining of the dog hadn't been enough of a distraction to bring Kai out of his self imposed stupor & the lack of screaming, crying & cursing at him was even more UNNERVEING. It almost magnified everything even more to him.

                HOW DARE HE EVEN SHOW HIS FACE.                                                     (THEY WERE ALL RIGHT ABOUT YOU)

                                  Hotaru came out closer to him; the door shutting behind them as if to force him into a bubble so he couldn't run. & to add insult to injury, she CONGRATULATED HIM. Even more shit he didn't deserve. (YOU DON'T DESERVE HER). The longer he was made to stand in the self destruction, the more nauseated he felt. Yet, to turn tail & run from her was the COWARDS way out. He had to see this through, even it was the end of everything. The end of THEM.

                             ❛ It wasn't. ❜ Impulse took over & Kai moved closer to her, to the point where if she were to fall, she would be caught without contest. ❛ This-- ❜as he gestures between himself & her with is finger back & forth ❛ wasn't worth it. ❜ The rapid blinking from her caught Kai's eye. He had yet to turn his gaze away; he was told that such a thing rubbed people wrong. His stare was TOO INTENSE. Intense to everyone but her & considering what he had done, there was no way he could even look away. 

                             Kai outstretched his hand & maybe this too much, but the compulsion to stop was no longer as loud as the NEED to feel her skin against his own, even it was brief. His hand cradled the side of his cheek and gently, the pad of his thumb, probably slightly callous from training trace underneath her eye to wipe away whatever tear managed to escape. ❛ This...wasn't worth it. ❜

[blazingsourpuss]

------ starter call!! I will make it short and then build from there so I can get back into the groove.

[anxietyproblem]