[Bleach-for-Breakfast] @bleach-for-breakfast - Tumblr Blog

I Know I'll Always Kill Myself Too Late.

The water's always rising, never going down.

I'm looking forward to the day I'll drown

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I feel great.

Because i know i'll always kill myself too late.

#rambles #my life's been nothing but years of waste

trainsandpaperplanes

i sorry

unfiltereddddmess

Wooow tried that cbd candle again and its really hit or miss, but yesterday it was soooo good, I was so relaxed and calm, like a low high tbh

Gonna try it out again hope its as good again as it was yesterday <33

#rambles #honestly I think the main reason I slept so well today #awsome sauce

It's so funny how different my life is from my coworkers

I always wear long trousers no matter the temperature so I can hide my scars and cuts

And I was half involved in a convo where they talked about how they also wear long pants, to be modest at work LMAO

#rambles #naaah I'm not sweating my balls of to be modest bestie 😭😭#but also very glad most of my coworkers are also not wearing shorts so it's not suspicious if I'm not either #kinda been fearing that I might get interrogated about it at some point 😭

You know what fuck it. Been doing research into getting testosterone without having to go through the medical system - mostly to see how much of a hassle it'd be

But then I discovered something MUCH more interesting. There are growth hormones you can just. Get.

Apperantly used by gym bros to get swolle, similarly used to testosterone.

Sounds a bit too good to be true so I'm gonna have to look into it a bit more. If it's that easy why the fuck are breaking their legs to get a few extra inches??

#rambles #after looking into it a bit more gonna go to a gym and ask around a bit #probably the best place to start #my height is by FAR the thing I hate most about my apperance #just getting to around average height would be so much better #though I think I'd like be at like 170cm if I can

bleach-for-breakfast

Had a dream today that I went to a nurse to get my cuts stitched up (baby beans?) but when she pulled off the bandaid all the cuts had closed up and looked like shallow styros

bleach-for-breakfast

Omg wait wtf that literally happened last time at the hospital

#rambles #well kind of #the cuts were more on the small side #and my lose af skin kept the cuts made the cuts mostly close up #but the doctor wasn't judgemental or anything

bleach-for-breakfast

I need more coping mechanisms for suicidal thoughts

My go to is "would you like to end it ALL, right NOW?" and then seriously consider it - to which the answers so far have been various degrees of no

But this only works well when I'm deep into it anyway

When I'm doing mostly fine, asking that question and genuinely considering it, will make it worse than it was before (now seriously considering killing myself RIGHT NOW) instead of redirecting that thought

bleach-for-breakfast

Oooooooh that one might also not be too good anymore - I was seriously considering it yesterday and my answer was actually yes

I was able to pull back since I'm aware that this currently comes in waves and is not forever, but like that was too close to my liking

bleach-for-breakfast

No, actually this still does work when I'm deep in it.

Guess makes me kind of pause and consider the whole extend of what I'm about to do.

Instead of just acting on the impulse and desire.

#rambles #being self aware in this regard helps a lot #but also makes me aware of what I can 'work on' to commit to it #tw suicide #tw sui ideation

I KEEP having dreams about a toxic friend from fucking middle school and I don't know why or what to do about it

#rambles #I never think of her #haven't seen her in over five years #and the relationship is portrayed to be much deeper in my dreams than it ever was?#well yes I did like her a lot and I considered her to be my best friend at the time (while I wasn't her's which yes did hurt a lot)#but also she was hella toxic and I wanted to end the friendship years earlier than I did #but was too scared of her lashing out which alone probably already says a lot about how I was feeling about her #but yeah in my dreams the relationship is either a lot more violent and abusive than it was #or way more fluffy and cutesy #I find it so weird okay getting nightmares about past trauma is normal etc etc #but why the cutsy fluffy stuff??? I do obsess over people and idolize them but I never did with her or had the desire to?#while in the years after the friendship ended I ofc still had rose tinted glasses nostalgia #but it was always grounded in reality and not the tooth rotting fluff I'm having dreams about???#I'm just most confused about the casting rather than the genre #there are multiple people I had this fluffy longing and idolizing about #which are also much more recent #so why not choose them???#why the badly written fluff fanfiction about someone from so long ago that I never even felt that way about???#there's actually a progression in the sweetness over the past few dreams about her #for the others I was just like yeah okay I wanted her to be actually nice and not (as) abusive as she was #but this one was just so out of character and so overly sweet that I'm just baffled #not that mind cute fluffy dreams I take those over stress nightmares anyday #I'm just confused about the casting

trainsandpaperplanes

Feeling alive, just for a moment

#man I love your art so much

Customer complemented my nonbinary bracelet at work. Normally would be ecstatic,, but I feel just a certain kind of dread.

I think it's because work is a kind of escape for me. I roleplay as a nice worker. I'm not being myself. And a person just pointed out something personal. Something that is actually me. If I want to completely detach myself from work I need to stop showing personal expression.

#rambles #I know this will probably become a problem for me in the future #where I'll have an identity crisis because I probably won't be able to stop putting up a mask #the mask is very nice though #I feel a lot less bad during work #I dont know #it's all distraction

I don't know if I can make peace with ending everything there ever was and ever will be.

#rambles #don't think I'm in enough pain currently to be able to do that #I'm just numb and know my life will amount to nothing #on the other hand I will die at some point one way or another. no matter how I'm feeling about ceasing to exist #tw suicide #tw sui ideation #tw suicidal ideation

I feel numb. There should be joy, there should be love, there should be something to look forward to.

Instead all I feel is "should" and numb and anything that I use to take my mind off either.

I don't know maybe I should ditch my meds so I get finally depressed enough to finish off what I started months ago.

I don't want anything. I'm empty. How am I supposed to craft a future I want when I don't want anything?

I pretend to like the things I do - mostly to fool myself. But I know. I'm just forcing a smile in the hopes to fool myself into thinking I'm happy. It works well enough from time to time. But the second I'm not distracted. I know.

Currently I also feel numb about the concept of suicide.

#rambles #if I wasn't there wouldnt be a lot stopping me #tw suicide #tw sui ideation #tw suicidal ideation

Huh, who would've guessed that inserting myself directly into a horror game is not good for my mental health

#rambles #didnt realize that I was disassociating until I realized that I had to take breaks from reading to zone out every few minutes #it's romance with sudden horror thrown into otherwise very domestic moments #so it lulls you into a false sense of security and invites you to insert yourself into the story to enjoy it more #and then bam your friends faces melt into grotesque demons #you're getting suffecated by your love interest and are helpless to do anything #the friendly father figure like guy with boundless patience suddenly threatens you with incredible violence #the game gets you to really trust and relax around the characters just to pull the rug beneath your feat and lunge after you #all these characters are so dangerous #and it's so easy to forget #my brain just put itself into the game #so it thinks I'm actually surrounded by a bunch of really dangerous people and chose to stay #so it must be the only people around #so any wrong move will get me killed or harm me greatly #not a good feeling #so brain goes bye.

Ooooh that guy is trying to guilt me for being asexual and not wanting to sleep with him

#rambles #I think it's interesting how sometimes stuff is happening to you and you can't really find the words why it's so bad #anyway idk why he's so acephobic

bleach-for-breakfast

I need more coping mechanisms for suicidal thoughts

My go to is "would you like to end it ALL, right NOW?" and then seriously consider it - to which the answers so far have been various degrees of no

But this only works well when I'm deep into it anyway

When I'm doing mostly fine, asking that question and genuinely considering it, will make it worse than it was before (now seriously considering killing myself RIGHT NOW) instead of redirecting that thought

bleach-for-breakfast

Oooooooh that one might also not be too good anymore - I was seriously considering it yesterday and my answer was actually yes

I was able to pull back since I'm aware that this currently comes in waves and is not forever, but like that was too close to my liking

#rambles #idk maybe should call my psychiatrist to make an earlier appointment #I go from doing very well to very bad in like 1 week intervals rn

What I said "Yeah today was really fun!! :D"

My immediate afterthought "I want to fucking kill myself."

Turns out knowing that I'm just extremely tired doesn't stop the bad thoughts from happening

Hope resting helps

I started a new friendship and also dating a different person but my brain just sees the flaws in everything

#rambles #reconsidering getting antidepressants #maybe my adhd meds don't have to be so load bearing

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