It is now December! And I’ve been holding on to this story for years!!! Finally dusted it off to share.
Years ago I came across an article about a fan theory that Daniel (Liam Neeson) in Love Actually, is actually in love with his friend Karen (Emma Thompson).
Anyway, I thought it was an interesting theory!
So... I wrote this because I needed to read it.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Total Agony — read on AO3👆or below the cut👇
Summary:
After Harry’s affair, Karen is trying to hold everything together. Daniel is trying to move on. Neither of them expected the person they needed most was standing right in front of them all along.
(A quiet, aching, hopeful Karen/Daniel story that asks: what if the real love story was the one we never noticed?)
Total Agony
Harry cheated.
All-day long, Karen’s mind kept reminding her of that fact. Kids opened their presents. Harry cheated. Time to make Christmas Dinner. Don’t forget, Harry cheated. Are you making a grocery list? Harry cheated and I doubt Mia eats Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.
What was she supposed to do? She tried to keep going, keep moving because there was nothing else she could do.
Harry confessed that night. It was just sex, he said. Lust. But it was premeditated too... It wasn't like he slipped and fell. It wasn't a moment of passion in the office. He bought her a necklace and brought it to her at her apartment.
Karen just wanted to run away. She wanted to get away, but she couldn’t... She was stuck in the life she had rooted herself in, a life she had built with Harry.
She didn't tell anyone. Harry had shamed her and a sense of shame followed her wherever she went. She kept it a secret, kept all the pain locked away as best she could. She only cried when no one was around to see. She never let Harry see. She couldn't trust him with her tears anymore.
She was afraid everyone could see anyway. She was sure the grocer could see through her smile and see that she was broken inside. She was sure her children gave her long looks of concern, but she wasn't sure what they saw different. Harry, of course, walked on eggshells. He kept his distance and wasn't sure how to approach her.
He was sorry, he said. It was taking him a while to apologize properly. He confessed right away but his sorry felt flat. Maybe he wasn't sorry. Maybe he felt he should be sorry. Maybe he was just sorry he got caught. Maybe he was a little sorry that he hurt her, but he wasn't sorry for doing it. That’s what made it so hard.
Must have been pretty damn good sex.
Harry hadn't touched her since before Christmas. He hadn't even tried. Not that Karen wanted him to. He had accidentally brushed her while walking through the kitchen and she nearly jumped out of her skin. She wasn't afraid of him, except it was something like fear. He had hurt her so deeply, it was like she was afraid he would shatter her completely if he broke her again.
Karen felt she had to do something. So she did what most women did in her situation. After New Years, she went on a diet and got a gym membership. The gym didn't last long. It was filled with young beautiful women just like Mia and it hurt too much to see them. Karen picked herself up though. Daniel had a treadmill at his house, so she pulled on her smile and her cheeky but chipper voice and dialed him up,
“Karen?”
“Daniel, how are you?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Really good actually. I’ve been meaning to ring you.”
Karen’s heart skipped a little. It didn't mean anything. It was just nice to hear Daniel’s kind masculine voice suggest he wanted to talk to her. She wasn’t particularly feeling wanted lately.
“I’ve got a date.”
And just like that, her heart dropped again. It wasn't that she was expecting anything from Daniel. It was just hard to hear someone else having a love life in the midst of her own heart break. It was good to have a friend and Daniel didn't have many friends who were available the way she was. He had a hard time when Joanna died and Karen’s schedule ran around the children’s and so she helped with Sam and Daniel as much as she could. It had really been a shit time for them. She truly did feel happy for him, happy that he at least had hope in his voice.
“Really? That's great Daniel! Is she nice?”
“Yeah, her son’s about Sam’s age. Goes to the same school,’ he chuckled, ‘She looks just like Claudia Schiffer.”
Of course, she does, Karen thought and forced herself to chuckle along with him.
“Well you better not muck up your date then!”
He laughed, “I’ll do my best, yeah? I was wondering if you could watch Sam? I mean, he’s probably old enough to watch himself, but I guess I’m just nervous...”
Daniel didn't realize how his words felt like the twisting of a knife. Had Harry ever thought her perfect? Not any more, in any case. Karen swallowed and bucked up.
“When’s the date?”
“Uh, Friday. I’ll buy you all a couple pizzas. Sam’s got some good films.”
“Sounds great. We’ll be there. Well then, see you Friday!”
“Karen?”
“Yeah?”
“Umm, you called me... Is there something...?”
“Oh yes! I was wondering if I could use your treadmill in the mornings after I drop the kids off at school. Trying to run off Christmas,” she laughed, keeping her tone light.
“My treadmill? Well of course. Swing by whenever, I’m working from home today. I’ll give you my spare key.”
“Thanks, Daniel. I’ll see you soon.”
———
Daniel fidgeted with his spare key between his finger and tried to focus on work but felt on alert for Karen. Wasn’t much point in getting into the flow of work when you know you’ll be interrupted soon, right?
His phone rang and he snatch it up.
“Karen,” he answered but the voice on the other end wasn’t Karen.
“Hi Daniel, its Carol.”
He wanted to smack himself with the phone, “Oh hi, Carol.”
“I just wanted to call and confirm that we were still on for Friday. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.”
His throat knotted. This was nice... the beginning phases of dating. It was a little thrilling.
“Ye—,” His doorbell rang, “I look forward to seeing you too. I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you Friday. Bye Kar-ol.”
He hung up before he realized what he’d almost said. What was wrong with him? How hard was it to remember a beautiful woman’s name?, he thought as he opened the door.
“Karen,” He said as soon as he saw her. She smiled brilliantly and strolled in without ceremony.
“Thanks again Daniel! I tried the gym but all those sweaty bodies in one place, reminded me too much of a pub,” she laughed and her voice was as clear and chipper as always, but there was something in her eyes... “The treadmill’s just in here?” She asked, breaking him from his thoughts.
She didn't wait for him; she just walked off. He had noticed that she was wearing workout clothes and carrying a small duffle bag, but he hadn’t looked down... now that he had a clear view of her backside, Daniel felt himself struggling to look away. Karen may have gained some weight over the years but she carried it well. He hadn’t seen her in anything so... tight in years and the maroon yoga pants didn’t leave much to the imagination. His eyes followed the curve of her hips, thighs and ass until she disappeared out of the narrow hall. His mind sort of blanked on him and he swallowed.
He felt the warmed metal of the key in his palm and remembered he was meant to give it to her. When he walked in, she was removing her little sweater which revealed her arms and breast which hadn’t carried the weight her thighs did.
Karen really was lovely. Harry was a lucky man. Daniel had always thought so.
“So how do you work this thing?” She asked, laughing a little self-consciously.
Daniel smiled and explained the machine. He handed her the clip which was attached by a magnetic failsafe of the machine, “Clip this to your shirt and start slow. If you injure yourself, I’ll blame myself and sulk about being completely useless to anyone.”
“So business as usual then?” She teased lightly, but seemed to catch herself. Karen was rarely self-conscious, but Daniel sensed it at least twice on the span of five minutes.
“Karen is everything alright? Did something happen?”
Karen’s lips pinched and her eyes flickered with an emotional that sent a cold shock to his chest, before it disappeared and was replaced by her smile.
“Why do you ask? Oh, the sudden desire to lose weight? My New Year’s resolution! I guess I woke up one day and couldn’t remember getting older and fatter,” she laughed like it was the funniest joke she’d heard all day. She increased the speed and started a brisk walk.
“Do... you want to talk about it?” Daniel asked.
She shot him a quick friendly smile, “There is nothing to talk about. Now leave me be, I’m reclaiming my youth! Get back to work, you.”
Daniel chuckled, “Alright, alright.”
———
Karen came over every morning that week. Daniel would work in his home office while she ran. It was nice... not so lonely. Then she would shower and change. She had forgotten her body wash in his shower on Wednesday. He hadn’t minded...
“But Carol might,” Karen reminded him matter of factly as if Carol was ready to move in. They hadn’t even had a first date yet and Daniel couldn’t think further than that.
After Karen’s morning run, they would get lunch at the Bistro down the way. Karen ordered salads, said she was on a salad kick. Daniel didn’t know where this obsession with her weight came from. If it was just to be healthier, then of course he would open his door every morning and eat salads with her everyday... what are friends for? But Daniel felt that there was some darker reason for it and that didn’t sit right with him.
The thing was, despite Karen thinking she was fat, Daniel had to, for years, feel his wife shrink and deteriorate in his arms. To him, Karen’s fullness was health and life. He wished could wrap his arms around Karen and feel her fill his arms, but they had lines they never crossed and being too physical was an unspoken agreement between them.
“Hmm, big date tonight!” Karen said between bites of lettuce.
Oh right... Carol. Carol. Carol. Surely, he could get through the night calling her by the right name.
“I’ll bring over night stuff, just incase the date goes well,’ she waggled her eyebrows at him ridiculously and he had to laugh at her facial expression, ‘But really. Don't feel that you need to rush back.”
He smiled and felt warmth spread up through his cheeks. “You’re perfect, Karen. Thank you.”
Karen’s eye flickered again in that way that looked like she was carrying hidden pain. He wondered when she would finally, decide to tell him.
———
Karen hadn’t really been sure that she wanted Harry to help her with the kids tonight, but she asked him anyway. She had truly meant it as an olive branch of sorts. They had talked about working on their marriage, getting counseling. They weren’t trying again or starting over, just trying to patch their marriage up as they went.
Everything was just as she predicted. Everything was just worse now. Everything was harder.
Even something as picking up the phone and calling his work. Mia answered and Karen nearly hung up, but she straightened her spine and asked for her husband in the most normal voice she could manage.
“Harry?”
“Karen... is everything alright?”
“Of course. Did you forget? We were going to go over to spend the evening with Sam while Daniel goes on his date. Apparently, she looks just like Claudia Schiffer,” she tried to joke but it fell flat.
Harry sounded like he did that night after the nativity play when she confronted him, “I’m sorry Karen, I did forget. I’m having to work late tonight...”
“I see,” was all she could manage before the kids lined up, wearing backpacks and hugging sleeping bags in their arms.
“Karen...”
“Well, we’re off. Good night, Harry,” she hung up and smiled brightly at her children.
“Dad’s not coming is he?” Bernie grumped.
Karen’s smile faltered a little, “He’s said he’ll be working late tonight.”
“Can we bring extra pillows over and make a pillow fort?” Daisy asked bouncing a little on her toes.
Karen’s smile returned more genuine, “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Go on, quick! How many pillows can you carry?”
———
When Karen arrived, she and both her children had a pile of pillows in their arms and only the tops of their head poked out. Daniel laughed to see them.
“It seems my home is being invaded by pillows.”
Karen’s face popped out the side with her brilliant smile and a cheeky twinkle in her eyes.
“We are going to make a pillow fort!” piped the Daisy sized pillow tower.
Daniel laughed and helped Daisy with her pillows.
———
Carol called while Daniel set down the pillows in the living room. Karen smiled and gave him double thumbs up for encouragement. She watched the children planning out their fort. Sam and Bernie had taken over but Daisy seemed happy enough to go along with them.
Karen truly smiled. For a moment she was truly comfortable and happy. For a moment her mind forgot to remind her about Harry’s infidelity or that he was working late tonight and Mia was there...
Never mind, there it was— Harry cheated.
“Karen?” Daniel touched her shoulder gently.
She forced a smile, “How’s Carol?”
Daniel tilted his head toward the kitchen and she followed him. He leaned his hand on the counter and sighed,
“Carol’s sitter is sick. She’s cancelled on me.”
Karen nearly huffed, “Call her back. Tell her to bring her son...”
“Nick,” Daniel added helpfully.
“Nick over here and then go on your date.”
Daniel gestured to the stack of pizzas, “But I’ll miss pizza and pillow fort movie night.”
The image of Daniel trying to squeeze his long legs into a child-sized pillow fort, nearly made her snort. She grabbed his wrist and shook him,
“Buck up! I know its hard to get back out there, but you’ve already gotten this far. You asked a Claudia Schiffer look-a-like out on a date and she said yes, yeah?!”
Daniel scratched the back of his neck, “She asked me... but I did make the dinner reservations. Alright, I’ll call her back. Oh... I meant to ask, do I look okay?”
“You look very handsome.”
“Karen, you didn’t even look.”
“I’m sure I did. I would know,’ Daniel gave her a pointed look, ‘Alright, alright.”
Karen looked at Daniel, really looked at him. His blue eyes were soft and expectant. She forced her eyes away from his and followed the lines of his body. He wore a grey sweater which hugged his shoulders and tapered down the V of his torso to his narrow hip and his black slacks seemed to go on forever with his long legs. Daniel had aged well. He could probably snag the real Claudia Schiffer. She looked back to his eyes and she thought his pupils looked a bit more dilated. He took a step forward and Karen thought she was imagining him leaning forward slightly toward her.
She tried to speak normally, but her words came out on the breathy side, “You look very handsome, Daniel, as I said.”
She realized she still had ahold of his wrist and had started making circles with her thumb across his skin, under his sweater sleeve. She dropped his wrist with a quiet gasp. Daniel blinked several times and straightened. He scanned Karen’s face and said,
“I’ll call Carol back... if you tell me what’s been bothering you.”
Karen stiffened, “Nothing’s bothering me, Daniel. Why do you think something’s bothering me? I’m fine! Perfectly, fine.”
“Karen...” Daniel said and lifted his hand to her cheek. His thumb brushed away a tear, “What’s happened?”
Karen nearly broke, but shook her head and lifted her chin, “I’ll tell you after your date.”
Daniel sighed, “Alright.”
———
Carol showed up with Nick, looking absolutely gorgeous in a form fitting black dress that peaked out temptingly through the opening of her coat and scarf. Carol’s eyes looked him up and down and she did not conceal her interest. Daniel smirked smugly and showed Nick and Carol into the house. Karen greeted them, bright and lovely as usual.
“Carol! It’s so nice to meet you. Don’t worry about a thing, we are going to have a great time here. No need to hurry back,” and Karen gave Carol a saucy wink.
Daniel laughed and had a hard time not soaking Karen in. She was in her element with the kids. She was also excellent at putting adults at ease and also making everything slightly uncomfortable all at the same time. Daniel was still chuckling while Karen almost shooed them out the door.
Daniel called over his shoulder, “Good night, Karen, Bernie, Daisy, Nick. Sam, be good!”
“Bye Dad.” Sam waved him of with a wink and a thumbs up and Daniel’s chest filled with warmth. He was just about to lead Carol out the door when he saw she had stopped and was looking at Karen with a slight tilt to her head.
“You're Karen? Daniel... talks about you all the time,” Carol said a little slowly.
“Oh?” Karen asked, looking between Daniel and Carol, “Good things I hope,” she chuckled.
Daniel felt like someone had just tried to push him over, “Well, yes of course, just that we’re good friends and all the kids go to the same school.”
Carol looked up at Daniel with a little crease between her eyes.
“Mom! Bernie farted on me!” Daisy squealed.
“No I did not!” Bernie countered.
“Liar!” Daisy shouted.
Karen screwed up her face and sighed dramatically, “Oh dear, I have to go. You two have fun!”
The kids were still shouting at each other while Karen turned on her stern mom-tone and Daniel could still hear them as he closed the door behind himself and Carol. He lead Carol to his car and opened the door for her. He could do this. He dated loads of time. Just like riding a bike. Despited his internal pep-talk, he still felt a little like he was swaying.
They talked about typical first date things. He was an architect; she was a photographer. He liked the Beetles; she liked Elvis. He mentioned that Karen loved Joni Mitchell... and hadn’t thought anything of it until Carol’s tone became a little more guarded.
“Is Karen your... umm, sister? Er...”
Daniel laughed, “No, no. She’s a friend.”
“How... umm, long have you known each other?“
“Since University. Karen’s brother was my roommate. David’s a bit of a prat but a lovable prat. Most politicians are though, I suppose. Still voted for him, mind, and he’s shaping up to be a decent Prime Minister,”
“You know the Prime Minister?” Carol asked with no little suspicion.
“I do indeed. He, Jaime and I were all mates in Uni. Karen’s a year younger but she had an easier time of making friends than David, Jaime and I. Karen’s always been a bit of a mother hen and would drag us out of our dorm and force us to enjoy our youth,’ Daniel chuckled, ‘We three probably would never have had so many dates if it wasn’t for Karen pushing us to socialize more.” Daniel cleared his throat uncomfortably.
Carol laughed, “So Karen was your wingman?”
Daniel chuckled, “I guess you could say that. Not much has changed there, as you noticed. She and Joanna were fast friends. Karen would always drop hints about what gifts I should get Joanna. So Joanna always loved every gift I ever gave her. I don’t know why, but after Joanna got sick, I confessed, that my gifts were mostly Karen’s idea. Joanna laughed at me and told me she knew. After Joanna died, Karen kind of... well she kept me living, I think. She made sure I got out of bed everyday, put food in my belly and in Sam’s. She’s a wonderful mother. I don’t have a lot of friends with children, so she helped me a lot with... being a step dad.”
“Well...’ Carol said as she place her gentle hand on his arm, ‘Now you have me... I mean! You could... I mean...”
Daniel chuckled and took his hand from the wheel and slipped his fingers through hers, bringing the back on her hand to his lips.
“Thank you, Kar—ol.”
She smiled and blushed while Daniel mentally kicked himself.
Dinner was lovely. Carol had ordered a salad and Daniel wondered if they had simply reached an age when all women switched to being on a ‘salad kick.’ Everything about Carol was lovely and at the end of the night she stopped him before she got back into the car. They both stood in the open doorway on the passenger side. Carol placed her hands on his chest and his heart beat into them,
“Daniel, I’ve had a lovely time. I don’t really want tonight to end yet. Since, Nick is at your place... would you like to come over to mine?”
Daniel’s body felt heated. It had been a long time... and Carol was gorgeous and lovely and sweet and she wanted him. He cupped her cheek, she closed her eyes softly and waited for his kiss.
When Daniel closed his eyes, however, he remember holding Karen’s cheek and wiping the tear that had fallen down onto it. Daniel blinked his eyes open. He had nearly kissed Karen, not two hours ago. Karen was upset about... something, and she had promised to tell him.
All of the sudden, all Daniel wanted to do was get home. He wanted to see the pillow fort the kids had made. He wanted to catch the next movie or maybe Karen was reading bedtime stories... He wanted Karen’s smile to greet him when he got home. Daniel’s hand fell away from Carol.
Carol blinked up at him, “Daniel? Is everything okay? I’m pushing too fast aren’t I? Is it Joanna?”
Daniel dropped his chin and shook his head, “No. No...”
Carol’s voice changed, as if she knew something he didn’t, “Is it... Karen?”
His answer came quickly and involuntary, “Yes,” but then he shook himself, “I mean... no... what?”
Carol sighed as if he were being purposefully obtuse. She crossed her arms loosely, “You called me Karen the first time we met. Then again when I called... and I meet a woman named Karen at your house. I probably learned more about Karen tonight then about you. I know her favorite singer is Joni Mitchell, her favorite color is maroon which amuses you because its a rather dark color for her personality.”
Daniel didn’t really know what to say. He hadn’t even realized...
“You’re in love with her aren’t, you?”
His mind sort of blanked. What? In love with Karen. Oh god...
Finally, Daniel croaked out, “We’re just friends. We have never... Karen’s happily married.”
“And if she wasn’t happily married?”
Daniel felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He wasn't sure if he could breathe properly. He looked up at Carol and his eyes welled, “I’m so sorry, Carol. I hadn’t actually realized...’ He stepped away and ran his hands nervously through his hair, speaking to the asphalt, “Oh my god, I’m in love with Karen. What am I going to do? Oh shit... its been there all along hasn’t it?”
Carol stood patiently waiting for Daniel. She was disappointed, of course, she really liked Daniel, but she was at least glad she hadn’t gone further than dinner with a man who was in love with another woman. If Karen was happily married... maybe Daniel just needed time.
———
Karen looked over the back of the couch at the sound of the front door. She hadn’t expected them back yet... in fact, she hadn’t expected them back tonight at all. Date must not have gone well and the looks on their faces confirmed it. Oh Daniel...
Karen jumped in to help Nick get his things together. Carol smiled softly at her and thanked her.
Oh Daniel... what happened? She was perfectly lovely. Carol was Daniel’s ideal woman! Karen could see that from the moment she met her.
Daniel showed Carol and Nick to the door, and Carol gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek, but Daniel just looked sad. He had big puppy dog eyes when he shut the door.
Karen cornered him in the hall and hiss, “Daniel, what did you do?”
Daniel didn’t answer. He just stared at her strangely.
Eventually, Karen sighed, “Let me get the kids to bed and I’ll put the kettle on.”
“I’ll help,” Daniel perked up a bit and followed her lead as they cleared the pillow fort and sent the kids to brush their teeth. Turned out, the boys were too old for bedtime stories, but Daisy eagerly accepted when Daniel offered. Karen stood in the doorway with a peaceful smile for a few pages before her face pinched and she left to put the kettle on.
Daniel said goodnight to the kids and turned off the lights before he braved to face Karen again. It was strange... he never needed to feel brave to be with Karen before. He felt giddy too. Realizing that he was in love with her, made her presence feel necessary. He needed to be in the same room with her. He needed to be near her, to be able to see her face and hear her voice.
She had put on pajamas after he and Carol left. All the kids had as well. They had a pajama party apparently. Daniel smiled to see her sitting in his kitchen, wearing red pajamas covered in hearts like pika dots ready for Valentine’s Day. Her maroon robe tied loosely around her middle and the white bunny slippers he had gotten her for Christmas stared up at him from the floor. She had removed her makeup and looked a bit tired.
Daniel wanted to walk up behind her, wrap his arms around her, nuzzle her neck and tell her she was perfect. He wanted to be able to do that. Did Harry do that? He was sure Harry must... he probably did it every morning and every night. Daniel knew he would if he were Harry.
Karen looked up at him with a wry friendly smile and pushed a cup of tea toward him, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Daniel shook his head and came beside her to take the tea she made for him. “Not yet,” he said, “Not until you tell me what’s been bothering you lately.”
Karen stared at her cup and went to lift it to her lips but her hands shook and the tea sloshed. Daniel took her hand and cup in his and helped her place it back down steadily. Now he was really worried and the first thing that came to mind...
“Are you... you're not sick, are you?” He didn’t think he could do that again.
Karen looked up at him with deep understanding. She rubbed his arm and shoulder, “No Daniel, nothing like that.”
Daniel felt his body drawn closer as if her touch had pulled him in. She folded her hands in front of her on the counter. Daniel put his hand over hers and could feel her shaking. He didn’t speak, just waited.
Karen took a deep breath and told him everything. She told him about finding the necklace, about how excited she was for it, about opening a Joni Mitchell CD instead. She told him about confronting Harry after the school play and about his confession. How she called his work that night and Mia answered. She told him about how she suspected Harry wasn't actually sorry.
Harry cheated... Daniel couldn’t believe it. Rage burned in his gut and he had half a mind to find Harry, hunt him down and beat the shit out of him. He had never hunted a man down before but he had a feeling he’d be rather good at it. He really should... he had warned Harry when Karen announced their engagement that if he ever hurt her...
“I think what’s hurting the most, is just this suspicion that he doesn’t actually regret it.” Karen said.
“So what are you going to do? Are you two going to...?” Daniel asked, his hand still holding hers and rubbing comforting circles across her knuckles.
“I don’t want to stay, but I don’t know how to leave,” she looked up to where the children were asleep. “Harry and I’ve talked about it. We don’t want to cause the children the pain of a divorce. So, we are going to work things out. Maybe marriage counseling. I just... What did I do wrong?” and she was about to break. He could tell she hadn't meant to say it aloud, but the question probably plagued her constantly. It just came out.
Daniel opened his arms and she leaned into his chest. She still wasn’t broken or crying. She just seemed tired.
“It’s going to be okay, Karen,” he told her and pressed a kiss into her hair. She was in his arms, but it was bitter sweet.
“Everything is the same. Its surreal, like nothing’s really changed and yet everything has. Everything is just a little bit worse. Everything is harder.”
Daniel nodded. His might not be the same situation, but he understood that, “Like your legs are heavier when you try to get out of bed. Even cooking a meal... just feels like too much effort.”
“Exactly. I miss Joanna too, you know? I wanted to call her... I even almost dialed.”
Daniel held on to Karen a little more tightly and squeezed his eyes shut. Oh Joanna... what a mess we all are.
Karen sniffed and patted his shoulder “You know what we need?”
“Hmm?”
“We need a good horror movie,” Karen declared as she made her way to his DVDs. Daniel chuckled as she, “Oo The Night of the Living Dead!”
She put it in and sat at the edge of the couch, kicked off her slippers and tucked her feet under her. She looked at him and patted the cushion next to her. Daniel smiled and sat next to her, throwing his arm around the back of the couch.
Through out the movie, Karen started to stretch out and Daniel pulled her feet across his lap. He didn't even realize he had started to rub her feet until she let out a soft moan of relief. He looked over and saw her eyes fluttering shut; she was falling asleep.
The thought struck him, ‘how had he not realized before how head over heels he was for her?’
Carol’s question hit him over the head, “And if she wasn’t happily married?”
Daniel threw his head back against the couch. He was totally fucked.
---
Harry cheated.
Daniel tried to ignore the confusing emotions welling up within him as that fact played over and over in his mind. Karen would be fine. She and Harry would work things out. They always did. Didn't they? Actually, Daniel couldn't remember them fighting about anything before. They weren’t even really fighting now. It was just, this has happened and now we have to deal with it.
When Joanna died. Daniel and Sam’s whole world seemed to collapse in on them. Time didn't wait for them to catch up, it just kept moving on and expected them to move on too.
Harry cheated. Daniel still wanted to beat the shit out of him.
Daniel squeezed himself between Karen and the back of the couch and wrapped his arms around her so she wouldn't fall off. She stirred but didn't wake fully. He hoped she would forgive him in the morning. He had been tired and unthinking, he justified, but he knew he had just wanted to hold her.
Karen woke first and slipped from his arms. Daniel had a vague memory of her brushing his hair back and placing her lips on his brow. Maybe it had only been a dream. He finally woke to the smell of pancakes. Karen made herself an omelet, so Daniel decided to have an omelet too with the excuse that “he wasn't getting any younger either.”
Daniel couldn't keep his eyes off her. She was a bit of a mess in the morning, but a cheerful one. Her presence was lovely. He was sure she had bad days... everyone does. Maybe Karen was a pushy nag at home. Maybe Harry had his reasons for straying. Maybe this Mia secretary of his was a skilled temptress and seduced Harry... But none of that seemed to answer the growing question, ‘How could he have hurt Karen like that? How could Harry go through with it?” Daniel couldn’t even kiss Carol last night. If Harry didn't love Karen anymore...
Daniel wanted Karen and the kids to stay. As Karen packed up the kids he started to get desperate.
“Let me take you and the kids out to lunch, ” Daniel tried.
Karen laughed and looked at him strangely, “We’ve just had breakfast.”
“Well we could go to the park first and work up and appetite,” he suggested.
Karen sighed dramatically, “That does sound lovely, but I’ve got to get all these pillows home you see.”
Home to Harry. Right. Home to the marriage she was still in and had no plans of leaving. Karen would try to patch it up and Harry would be an idiot not to fight for his wife and kids. He had been caught, surely he wouldn’t continue... surely, working late last night was just that. If it wasn’t.... well, fuck Harry, right?
“Karen, please,” Daniel begged softly.
Karen’s expression turned to genuine concern, “Daniel what’s gotten into you? Oh... we never got a chance to talk about what happened with Carol last night. I got so caught up...” she shoulders drooped and she looked away briefly in shame before turning back to him, “Do you want to ring me later?”
“No, I don’t,” he shook his head decidedly, “I want to take you and the kids to the park. Then to lunch and then convince you that the only reason you need to go home is to get more of your things.”
“Daniel…”
“I didn’t even kiss her. Last night I couldn’t even kiss her.”
Karen’s eyes filled with sympathy, “Maybe it too soon? Give yourself some time. I’m sure Carol—“
“No. Listen…” he ran his fingers through his hair, “It’s not because of Jo. I miss her, of course I do. I think about her all the time… It’s not that.”
He took a deep breath.
"Last night, when I didn’t kiss Carol, she asked me if it was because of Joanna and I said no. Then when she asked me if it was because of you… I couldn’t say no. Apparently, I have this awkward habit of calling her Karen and talking about you throughout dinner.”
Karen’s mouth had dropped open slightly and her eyes kinda just stared at him, searching his eyes.
“When I told Carol that you were happily married, she asked me: but if you weren’t happily married? And I couldn’t answer… so when you told me about Harry… You see? I don’t want you to go home to Harry. I want you to stay with me. I’m in love with you, Karen and I think I have been for a long time. ”
“Daniel… I… I can’t. The children… I can’t. I just can’t. They would hate me. They wouldn’t understand. He cheated on me and if I leave they’ll hate me. They’ll hate me even worse if I leave him for you.’ She snapped angrily, “He fucked around and I’m the one that’s guilty? I’m the one that’s shamed. How is that fair?”
She broke down and tears were streaming from her eyes. Daniel pulled her to his chest and held her there as she screamed into his heart. No words, just a broken wail.
“The children won’t hate you. They love you. You are a wonderful mother. They could never hate you.” Daniel sighed, “And I’d wait. I’ll wait until you can be completely without guilt or shame.”
———
Karen stopped coming over to use his treadmill. But he called her every day. Slowly his patience waned as her voice over the phone grew more tender towards him.
“Karen, come over.”
“When you say it like that, I’m not sure I should.”
“Like what?”
“Like you intend to kiss me as soon as I walk through the door.”
“Karen…” Daniel sighed with building desperation, “Karen, come over so I can kiss you.”
“Daniel… you said you’d wait.”
“I am waiting.” He cleared his throat, “Aren’t I waiting? Fine, I’ll be a good boy. I’ll wait until your ready, but I’m not waiting until Harry’s ready or even until the kids are ready. I’m waiting until you’re ready. I’m here waiting for you to knock on my door and beg me to kiss you and to never stop. At that moment I will… because I am ready. I’m ready for you to come home to me.”
“Daniel…” and her voice shook.
The doorbell rang.
“Someone’s at the door; just a tick,” Daniel groaned and ran to the door, “Be right there.” He called out.
He opened the door and the phone pressed to his ear went silent as Karen hung up and lowered her phone. Daniel swallowed, and dropped his phone into his pocket. She stood frozen in the door. He took her hand and pulled her gently in and shut the door behind her with a cautious click.
They had never hesitated at his door before. They would usually be in the middle of a sentence and hanging up their things before going to the kitchen for a cuppa.
Now they hesitated, looking at each other as if in a dream. Daniel reached out and pulled her purse off of her shoulder and hung it on the hook. She unwrapped her scarf and he took it from her to hang on the hook as well. Lastly, he helped her out of her coat and hung it next to his.
Finally… finally, he cupped her cheek and brushed his thumb over her lips. God… she was really there. She was really standing in front of him waiting for him to kiss her. She trembled beneath his own trembling hand. Daniel wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, breathed heavily through his nose and he could almost taste the scent of her perfume.
Her eyes looked uncertain and cautious. She was afraid he would hurt her, the way Harry hurt her. She was afraid to trust him. Or maybe she was afraid to have this for herself. Maybe she felt that she should put the children first and stick it out with Harry.
“Daniel,” she whimpered, “We wont be able to come back from this will we?”
He shook his head, “I don’t want to go back,” feeling how much they had ahead of them.
He leaned in and kissed her forehead. Pressing his lips to her skin to comfort her and brushing his thumb over her cheek. He placed another kiss on the bridge of her nose, then her eye lids— one and then the other. By the time he reached her lips, her hands fisted his jumper and her chin lifted to reach for him. He brushed his lips against hers in the lightest touch and then pressing in a little bit more he pulled her body flush against his.
Kissing her was a little like falling asleep, bordering consciousness, like falling out of his body and finding peace. His passion didn’t burn uncontrollably but rather ebbed into being completely relaxed. Her lips didn’t shock or burn but soothed a pain deep inside of him. So he kissed her again, again and again. Each time finding healing in the brokenness he had accepted as a part of him.
She found the same healing in his lips and kissed away their agony.
Accepting that I am a writer has been a hard-won realization. There are these fine, almost impenetrable lines between “I enjoy this,” and “this is the only thing that makes me feel like my true self,” and finally, “I’m okay that this is who I am.”
It’s taken years to get here and somehow it still feels like I’m only just at the starting line.
And trying to write something publishable, whether it’s a fanfic on AO3 or an original novel, doesn’t feel like a marathon—that’s just the first draft. The real work looks like a triathlon straight up a mountain.😳
Day 15 &16— 1,700 words and the rough draft is complete!!!
Procrastinated writing the last chapter… desperately trying to think of how I could stretch the story longer so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. But every time I sat down to write it only came out as “The End”
I couldn’t sleep so I started writing at 3am. The main plot line is complete! Trying to decide if I’ll write a nice fluffy epilogue today or sleep on it and maybe extend the story 2-3 more fluffy happy ending chapters.
Proud of myself for writing today. Was hoping to get a little more done than I did, but making progress! My characters are in the thick of it now. I hope they come out of this okay…
Day 10– 2,300 words in my Regulus/Sev fic today! I’ve brought them so far but they aren’t in the clear yet. I’m estimating 1-2 more weeks of writing and the rough draft will be complete.
stormborns
theartofmadeline
ellievsbear
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
