Blood & Daisies

"I think you're all insane! But I guess I am too. Anybody would be If they were stuck on Earth With you."

[bloodanddaisies]

I want to be wrong.

I want to be wrong all the time. Being wrong brings me peace. Comfort. Satisfaction, even. It frees me from the constant suffocation that is my anxiety.

I'm so used to being wrong that it doesn't phase me much when I have to admit that I'm not right, that I've made a mistake.

The clock's ticking and with every passing minute, I don't want to be right. I don't want my thoughts to become true, ever. I want to remain silent, relieved that I've been wrong yet again. I want this moment to last as long as it can, before there's new clouds forming on the horizon.

I want to be proven wrong, more often than not.

"See? Everything's fine. Nothing happened."

The ideal consolation.

[bloodanddaisies]

Drained.

I wrote this a few days ago but didn't get a chance to post it. I also haven't written on here in ages.

Every year there are a few moments, days, sometimes even weeks where social interactions just exhaust me. This usually starts with being put off by specific situations I find myself in, or seeing people act like actual human garbage towards others. It makes me want to roll my eyes so hard and annoys me to the point where I only want to talk to a small group of select people that I feel super comfortable with.

Most people I interact with on a daily or weekly basis don't usually have anything to do with it, and still I feel actually drained trying to have a conversation with them.

In the past year I've also noticed that I would need to mute people that are constantly shitting on themselves and drowning in their own misery. I have anxiety and depression myself and I do not need a constant reminder that life can be bad.

The need to disappear for a few days has definitely grown the older I get. The fact that we haven't really seen any friends within the past one and a half years and my usual extroversion don't go well together either. How to refuel your social energy when you can't meet anyone? Of course, there's lots of ways to interact online and they've been a real life saver for me, but a part is still missing. Hugging, or just leaning on each other. Having a laugh, watching a movie, being silly.

I also feel my anxiety has gotten worse again over the past few months. I can't sleep because I'm haunted by horror scenarios that just won't leave me alone. I've stopped drinking coffee again and I'm going to try and be better about my going to sleep times. Next step? Getting into the daily groove of meditating again. I'm actually excited for that.

Yeah, I just haven't felt like being active, or streaming, for a few weeks now. I'm just passively floating along. I'm also aware that I'm procrastinating a few things, which are probably also the cause of me feeling unsettled. Well, all I can do is try my best every day and slowly push myself to do things.

Where was I? Right, social interaction.

Humanity has disappointed me in more ways than it ever had before the past year and a half. People that I thought were respectable turned out to be selfish and uncaring. Others are so comfortable in their own misery, constantly making themselves out to be the victim.

Sometimes it just blows my mind how convinced some people are of their own, made up, twisted sense of reality.

Exhausting if you try to be there and help. I can only say I'm glad that I've gone through similar scenarios with other people in the past that made it slightly easier for me to realise what was going on and to let go now.

Other than being socially drained and struggling with my anxiety ... life is pretty good. I am happy where I am, I love my wife, I love all the friends I've made online the past year. I am so unbelievably grateful for all the people that have welcomed me into their lives and that I'm now close to. You are a big part of what keeps me going every day. Thank you for that.

[bloodanddaisies]

One of the hardest things I've had to learn throughout the past 10 years is understanding that people only learn through experiences. It doesn't matter if you give someone your advice, they have to decide for themselves what's right, and what they want in their moment.

Most people only learn through mistakes, or if they've listened to bad advice - they come to their own true solution themselves in the end. I doubt anyone has ever learned anything from simply listening. You have to live through it, you have to feel it, you have to taste it.

Laugh, cry and suffer. It's all a part of life. Few people get it the first time, most of us have to make the connection more than once to understand what's good for us and what isn't.

Some people think they're other people's saviours. It's one of the most toxic connections I've ever seen.

We all deal with disappointment and sometimes it hits pretty fucking hard, but you get used to it.

The most important lesson you have to remember though: There are always people who love you. They will be there for you. They will show you that you're important to them.

The world is so colourful, so wild, exciting and wide.. every single one of your connections is unique. There will always be more people to meet, more friendships to discover. You deserve to have people surrounding you that love and care for you. Never forget that.

[bloodanddaisies]

For the first time in a long while I wake up in the morning not exhausted.

Sure, we’re all tired in the morning when we haven’t had enough sleep, or sometimes you just have days where you don‘t feel like getting out of bed. But when you get to a point where you can’t even remember not feeling tired, when you wake up every morning with your eyes burning, your head feeling heavy, you end up surprised and thankful whenever you don’t feel like the weight of the world is crushing you. In the past it didn’t matter if I went to bed early and had enough sleep, I would wake up exhausted most days, it was the normal, and I’d have to drag myself out of bed every damn day. For a week now, I’ve gone to bed around midnight, and I’ve woken up and felt okay at 6 or 7 in the morning. Rested.

I’m guessing that finally, my physical health has caught up with my mental health. I’ve felt so much better after the pressure of my final exams was lifted off me. That was definitely not the main reason though. A lot of times in 2018 I’d feel like shit, and I couldn’t pinpoint why. I worked, felt pretty much empty, and cried as soon as I opened the door to our apartment when I came home in the evening. For no reason. It started in early 2018 and I still can’t tell you why.

In November 2018 I finally decided to see a therapist. I’m pretty sure I’ve been depressed for years and years, with good and bad years and months in between. When my therapist diagnosed me I fell in between mild and moderate depression.

And this is why I always cherish the good moments, the positive days, the calm nights.

We’re still working through my issues, and we’ve discussed my anxiety and what might also be a problem, my anger issues. And by anger I mean uncontrolled emotional responses, overreactions, my inability to remain calm. I’ve always had an issue with putting things away, ignoring something I couldn’t fix in the moment, relaxing and just breathing. I’ve had discussions about that with my mum many times; and my dad has the same issue.

But ever since late 2018 I’ve gotten better. I was anxious throughout January because I still had to take my oral exam, but afterwards, I could breathe. I started meditating in the beginning of January.

Earlier this year, my best friend moved back to Berlin. He suggested I should try bouldering and we could go in a small group of three, later four, every week. So ever since the beginning of March we’ve gone bouldering every week. We started going twice a week since the end of April, and I’ve only missed two trainings since. It’s also the first time in ages I’ve felt something like determination. The last time I felt like that was probably in university or high school, to impress my lecturer/teacher and to do well, because I knew I could. Now with bouldering, it’s similar. My guys and I keep pushing each other, and since our body types all vary, we can all solve different bouldering problems -- some paths others can’t climb yet -- because of muscles, weight, flexibility -- but we’re all getting better every week. And let me tell you, it feels freaking great. I don’t think any kind of sport ever really succeeded in making me feel this way before.

So yes, there are a few things in my daily life that I’ve changed, and it seems to be working. Having a steady job and income helps. Alicia being settled in a proper traineeship since the end of summer last year, and her feeling excited about it and having fun learning technical and mechanical skills is a relief as well.

I think we’re as stable as we can be right now, and I’m only just getting back to enjoying hobbies again. I’m genuinely happy, and I feel a lot lighter.

Sure, we’ve got less time now since we’re working all week, and we have to organise and plan, prioritise and put specific time forward for things we like and want to do, but that’s okay once you have a basis that is solid and hard to shake.

It’s nice to feel stronger again, feeling good about yourself and your life makes it so much easier to speak your mind. Having the energy to set boundaries and tell people how it is without feeling weak or being scared constantly feels refreshing. Emotional discussions don’t exhaust me or lead to complete breakdowns anymore. I feel more like myself every passing day.

Wanting to get my thoughts out, and actually being able to get them out, is also a sign of me feeling better.

Thank you so far, 2019.

[kaisketch]

[bloodanddaisies]

So, change, right? My mind has been occupied discussing whether it’s a step into the right direction if your sadness turns into anger instead. As in, ‘no sadness left, only anger’. Sadness is self-destructive, anger less so; at least for me, personally. I used to get so worked up if any kind of issue came up, I’d blame myself, hate myself, my mind would go to a very pathetic place where I’d apologise and apologise, make excuses for others if someone else was involved, justify their point of view against my own and so on. Even when they were in the wrong. Some of my closest friends could tell you a long story about that. It wasn’t healthy for me and I’m very glad I scarcely do that anymore. Which doesn’t mean I’m not aware of my own missteps. I have absolutely no problem admitting when I’ve been wrong, because really, all it does is help resolve an issue. Considering other people’s feelings, actually seeing and understanding and taking some time to realise what you’ve done is fine. It might not feel good in the situation right then, and of course there’s shame involved, but it just makes me feel better than not dealing with an issue at all. Processing a problem right away before it festers and just turns out worse, that’s actually my belief and my preference to deal with it. I have to remember though that this is not necessarily the best or most comfortable way for others to solve an issue, and I’ve got to accept that, too. But then again, you also need to keep in mind not to just take anyone’s shit. Don’t blame yourself for something you can’t influence. You don’t always have control over everything. You can’t make everyone happy, and you’ll hurt yourself eventually if you do try to achieve that. Being pissed off doesn’t mean I don’t know my part in a situation either. But it feels like it’s easier for me to get over the whole issue when I’m upset about it for an hour; because then it’s easier to care less. It’s time to move on. As in, ‘Take it or leave it.’ And then I’m okay. Yes, it’s still hard for me when I feel like I’m at fault, but it’s happened, it’s done, you can only build and grow in the future. I’m not perfect, and I never said I was. I am very aware of my own faults, sometimes I feel like I’m too aware of them and dwell on what I’ve done wrong, and it doesn’t help, so I really gotta adapt an attitude that makes me feel less shitty about myself and reminds me to work on dealing with situations better in the future instead.

I don’t necessarily think anger is the best way here, but it makes it easier. If you care less, a situation doesn’t seem quite as bad as before. It really doesn’t. So tell me, is this a step forward or a step backwards? I’m not too sure yet.

Because at the end of the day I’d always rather choose ‘caring’ to ‘indifference’ when it’s something I truly, deeply care about. Nowadays it just takes me longer to actually approach something when I think I’m in the right (aka not taking everyone’s shit), but eventually, you’ll see me come back trying to resolve things, after it’s quieted down. Maybe taking a step back is better for a lot of people, and adjusting and giving someone time could translate into considering their feelings and waiting for them to be ready, right?

Well, all of that’s just been on my mind a lot lately, and most of the time I feel comfortable staring into the sky to just think. Which used to be very hard for me. I think it’s also meditating that has helped with that.

I’ve approached a handful of friends too, very honestly expressing my struggles or annoyance with them that I’ve had lately; and I’ve always come to the same result: They listened, we discussed and we reconnected. We rekindled our care and love for one another. It’s just another reminder and a big ball of reassurance for me that people that really love me will always love me for who I am; the way I am. Knowing that just makes me feel so relieved and happy to the point of tearing up.

I am grateful to have people in my life who help me grow and support me whenever I need them to. And the people that stay and make an effort are the ones that matter, always. It feels pretty damn good to feel secure.

So, at the end of the day I’m still not sure about sadness and anger and their interaction and effect, really, but I guess what really matters is your own outward reaction to situations and how you deal with them. Here, I think, is important to remember not to ignore or brush over your own emotions to solve something. Others will notice. If it’s still an issue even in the back of your head, it’s still an issue. “It’s fine.” “I’m over it.” doesn’t solve anything if you haven’t properly dealt with it.

All I know is that I’ll keep moving, keep thinking and I’m always ready to sit down and have a discussion with someone. Always be open to other people’s thoughts and opinions. That’s it.

[bloodanddaisies]

For me, the worst part of being depressed is when I slip into a down mood, I’m not even sure why; and because of there not being an actual reason that I can grasp, I get annoyed with yourself. Why the hell would you be depressed? Everything’s fine. Mixed feelings, confusion, a pretty pathetic and desperate search to find out what’s wrong with me. God, you’re so dramatic. Cheer the fuck up. At that point, if I could roll my eyes at myself, I would. For the majority of my childhood and my early teens I’d never felt depressed. Sure, everyone’s down sometimes, but the lingering sadness and desperation I absolutely didn’t know. I was a very happy and talkative child. So when I started slipping into these moods during the last few school years, I felt pretty lost. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t recognize myself, and that didn’t really help. I missed my optimism, my own laughter and my constant ups. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t the same as before.

Nowadays I realise that my environment had a lot to do with it. My parents have always been very loving, supportive and honest with me. I trust them with pretty much anything, I still do. During my teens though, I started getting to know people who weren’t like that. I was open, always very expressive, curious, honest. When I was excited about something; a show, a song, an actress, I’d express that. I would literally sing songs of comedy shows during breaks at school and giggle endlessly about jokes and sentences of the latest episodes I’d watched. I was excited and happy and very expressive about all of that. But yeah, not everyone’s that way. I guess when you’re a teen and you’re down a person constantly laughing and being silly in front of you is more annoying than anything else. I got told to shut up about my passions. I was made fun of for enjoying fawning about a certain actress. Usually, I didn’t care. But these were people that were important to me, and so I cared about their opinion. Them rolling their eyes, reacting angrily and annoyed hurt a lot. It influenced my behaviour. I stopped acting like myself because the people I loved didn’t like it. Today I’m convinced that those situations and the people connected to it were the start of it all. I mean, I won’t ever be able to know for sure, but that’s when I first started feeling bad about being myself.

Where was I though? Gosh, I’m ranting. All I wanted to do was talk about feeling down, and the worst parts of it for me, personally.

After being annoyed with myself, and thinking that I’m acting pathetic the actual, most dangerous part of my downs is my paranoia. In these situations my paranoid mind, my worries and insecurities win against any kind of logic in my head. I overthink. Somehow, the most ridiculous scenarios don’t sound that ridiculous anymore. The person who said they loved you just this morning? They’re clearly just saying it to be nice. They actually hate your guts, they wish you’d stop talking, and they clearly don’t fucking love you. Wake the fuck up you p--

You get the memo. Unfortunately, I’ve run into several people in my life who took me for granted, and that’s basically what fuels my paranoia. Some part of me is always on the lookout for signs that could signal that someone I love actually doesn’t give a shit about me, and that activates part of my anger. I get very emotional and frustrated. Knowing at the same time that all of what I’m thinking and feeling is bullshit just rips me apart in those moments. The people I love don’t deserve these thoughts. I don‘t deserve the people I love. See what I mean? I’m a mess when I’m miserable and depressed. It’s stupid.

The only thing that can really stop me in these moods is putting myself to sleep. My thoughts can’t spiral when I sleep. Sleep helps. Hugs help. Reassurement helps. But I simply can’t be reassured every minute, hour or day of my life. [Insert eyeroll at self.]

At least I’m pretty aware of what happens in my head and what my emotions are doing. Awareness is the first step, and in the future I’ll work on navigating those negative thoughts, calming down and breathing.

Everything’s fine, Steph. You love and you’re loved. Everything’s okay.

[bloodanddaisies]

I do believe, strongly, actually, that every connection you make in life does mean something. In my opinion though, the issue with all kinds of connections is that people misunderstand them. A lot of people seem lost when relationships or friendships they've had, 'suddenly' don't feel the same anymore. Most of the time they mourn for the beginnings, the sparks, things that were, interactions they've had, and they're so focused on what was that they lose track of the present. They’re not supposed to stay the same. Connections always change. It's the ones you're allowing to grow that don't actually fade. Whenever you hold onto the past and what was, if you get upset and angry, it's a lot harder, if not impossible, to let it develop and form into something new and positive.

I'm not saying all relationships that have calmed have drifted away, not at all. Life is busy, and you don't always have time to interact with your loved ones 24/7. I have a lot of close friends that I only talk to every few months; I look at those connections as comfortably paused, and easy to pick up on whenever we find the time.

What worries me is when people turn bitter and desperate. Trust me, I do understand when it feels like a connection was lost, whenever that connection has changed into something you didn't expect. Do yourself a favour and don't think of it as less. Don't mourn. Appreciate your connection with that person, in whatever state it might be, right now. Work on it, if you feel like you need to.

I don't regret the connections that at some point, became sour - for whatever reason. I grew due to them. All the people that I've met in life made me the person I am today. I'm thankful for every single experience. Sure, not all of them were pleasant, but they've taught me to handle future connections better. They've helped me with my clinginess, dealing with disappointment and anger, learning how and who to trust. They might've made my little shell a bit harder, but nowadays I’m able to focus on loving the people that love me, the ones that I deserve and the ones that deserve me. I am genuinely thankful for that. If I held onto my resentment for some of the connections I've had, that wouldn't have been possible. And nowadays I can even say that some of the toxic situations I've gone through have grown into something a lot lighter, more evolved, because we allowed it to.

Of course it's okay to be melancholic every once in a while, I actually love looking back, taking in everything that has happened, everything that was said, and how it’s different from now, but it's like flipping through pages of a book that I put back on its shelf afterwards; with a smile on my face.

All of this might be because I'm currently so content with life, so at peace with what's happening; probably because I feel very loved and safe. It makes it possible and easy to look at life in a light that I hadn't seen it in for quite a while.

For myself, I know that I will always put effort into connections that are important to me, I will always make time for the people that appreciate me, I won't force or push, and I will never stop communicating. I will try my best not to sulk -- hey, feelings are hard to control -- and I will always deal with a situation and talk it out instead of leaving it stale, lamenting in the past. Connections will always change. The best I can do is try to not be afraid or too worried about that simple fact, and look forward, positively curious of the future.

[bloodanddaisies]

This year I've learned a lot about not beating myself down.

There are bad days and there will be bad days but that doesn't mean I'm a trash person. Sometimes you just can't do anything else other than take a deep breath and move on, and that's okay. Learning to accept situations for what they are and leaving them at that used to be very hard for me. The toxic mix of thinking I just wasn’t good enough made it worse. But at some point I needed to learn how to move on, and ever since I made those tiny steps every once in a while, I felt a lot better.

Hell, thinking you’re awful, and typing it out wherever - on Twitter, your blog, writing it into your journal, stating that you aren’t worth anything compared to refraining yourself from doing so makes such a huge difference. Fighting those little thoughts that pile up in the end and reassuring yourself that whatever happened is okay is so hard, but so worth it in the end. You can’t just overhaul your way of thinking in a day or week, or even in months and sometimes years. We’re adaptable creatures, we function on habits, and so do our brains. Even if all the short tweets about positivity and encouragement seem silly, they can help a great deal.

I think we all need to remember that there’s always something wonderful, something special about a person, something they’re great at, something they excel in, and we should compliment them for it. It takes less than a minute of our time to make someone else feel a bit warmer inside. I think all of my friends are great, and I believe in them, every single day of my life. We can all get through the obstacles in life, at our very own pace, and we should all be more proud of us.

[bloodanddaisies]

I think I have an issue with competitive online games. I’m not even sure if it’s always been like this, but lately, I’ve realised playing League and losing games either makes my mood drop or worsens it if I’m already kinda down. This is obviously not good. I think I should really take a step back and only play when I’m around friends -- even these games can be frustrating sometimes, though. It’s not even like I get super worked up about it, I just end up feeling low. I do still enjoy the characters, and I do enjoy playing, but afterwards ... yeah. Now that I think about it ... sometimes it feels like winning or losing doesn’t even play into it. Even when I win three games in a row I can still feel a mood drop occasionally. Odd. I haven’t even played a lot throughout these past few months, and I think choosing to do something else proves that, well, competitive online games -- or specifically, League -- might just not be for me [anymore]. I would rather go out and take a walk, maybe play Pokémon GO, read ... write, and to be honest, the only reason I do still play seems to be ... out of habit. Meh. I’ll have to keep an eye on how this progresses. Just needed to get that out for now.

[bloodanddaisies]

Realising and learning things about yourself feels really great. Especially when they’re not necessarily new, they’ve always just ... been there, rough but continuously growing, quietly.

I feel like I’ve grown a lot during the past year. I’ve gotten back to a point where I’m really happy and satisfied with myself. Where I can push myself in motion when I need to. I actually got myself to write today -- tiny steps, but they make me feel good about myself, more confident each day, lighter even.

I know I’ve mentioned this part before, but it’s so important to remember and I can’t type it out enough: I think it’s also because throughout the past 5 years I’ve stuck to the people that actually appreciate me. Friends. I’ve grown from past friendships, toxic connections, and I’ve learned not to beat myself down too much. You can’t make everything right. You can only do as much, and I understand that now. I’m not a punching bag and I’ll never ever be one again. Alicia gave me the support and confidence to see through all that. When there’s always someone saying, ‘Hey, this isn’t your fault. You’re great. Come here.’ -- it helps a lot. I’ve always been very open about my feelings, I’ve always tried to communicate. But I needed to realise that healthy communication takes two people. You can’t always be the one to give.

That’s not all. It definitely isn’t. I’ve gotten so much more relaxed around the people I love, too. And that is definitely because I actually get love, respect and appreciation back. It might sound silly and overly dramatic, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved in my life. I’m not always anxious, not always questioning if the people that I love so dearly actually do love me back. I know now. I can take a deep breath and calm down, or get up and ask, because I know they’ll tell me. I know these people will tell me if something’s up. I can rely on them. I’m so grateful, I don’t even know how to put that feeling in my heart into words. It’s just, constantly buzzing lately. I’m so happy. Also, -- you know who you are. Might sound odd, but this helps a lot with my identity, too. Who I really am. The people that have known me for years and years know that I can be very passionate, very loving, sometimes even overwhelming with how much attention and affection I can give. That’s okay. Realising how much you can love, and how many people you include in your love; in whatever way, is fascinating if you look at it clearly; without any shame or doubt. I won’t apologise or feel sorry for loving someone very deeply anymore. It’s a wonderful feeling and I’m going to revel in it. It opens up a new point of view and just, it’s very freeing. It’s one of those things I’ve always felt, but never actually understood -- because a lot of times, the way that society looks at ‘love’ is very different to my own hearts’ understanding of it. Yeah -- in connection to that, did I mention that I’m super happy? I am really, really, really happy. I’ve laughed so much lately, and I’ve also cried so much, but most of them were happy tears. Life is wonderful right now, and I’m so, so thankful for all of it. I don’t even know how to handle all of these emotions.

[bloodanddaisies]

I just need to rant for a second and get this out. My phone died to the point of no recovery last night and I’m pissed because we simply do not have money for this. I’m back to using my old Samsung Galaxy S2 now which is about 5 ½ years old. My dad gifted me his old Note 2 a year ago because he’s wonderful like that and aware that we’re pretty poor. Since I saved all my photos on my phone just over two weeks ago, and most of my app data is stored on clouds I’m not even super upset. Yes, I lost some of it, but it was probably the least you could lose in a situation of a randomly bricked phone.

I’m usually positive about money issues because I know that I’m really good at planning, organising and calculating. No way are we going to get to the point where we’ll have to starve. But, I’m really, really worried about the fact that my computer is going to die at some point, too – and with it, all my data. My computer turned 5 years old last October. I have a 1 TB external harddrive where I have ALL the photos I’ve ever taken on phones stored. I don’t have a second harddrive for backups, if my computer and my harddrive die, they die. I simply do not have money to buy anything big enough for backups. It makes me anxious as hell, and really kinda mad. At some point I wanted to be able to afford a new computer.. man.

Since I’m turning 25 in May I’m losing out on my (goverment-issued) child allowance, which pays part of our rent. (~200 €) It looks like I’ll have to work a second job on the weekends.. Well. Let’s see how much money Alicia will make when she starts working. That’ll help a lot, and we could even save some money then, I think. Fingers crossed.

[bloodanddaisies]

Life is good.

Every once in a while you feel like you’re in control of your life. I’ve got work, Alicia and I got married back in November, and for the first time in about 2 years I’m truly enjoying having long, deep conversations with friends again. It’s not like I didn’t have them during those years, but they were exhausting instead of the usual refreshing that I was used to. I feel like I got a piece of myself back. It was exhilarating the first time I came to realise that I was genuinely feeling good (about myself) for the first time in months.

I learned a lot during the last two years. Self-care. Taking care of yourself, relaxing, meditating, and even though it didn’t always work out, I took the time to calm myself down.

I’ve gotten so good at distancing myself from toxic people as well. I’m not going to take anyone’s shit ever again. Friends of mine and the fact that I’m living with Alicia helped a lot. There’s always going to be at least one person right next to you that’s going to give you a hug, or tell you that it’s not your fault. There are so many people that have a lot of issues with themselves and they lash out at others. Don’t take any of their shit. You’re not the issue here, believe me. In these situations you’ll see who your true friends are. They are always by your side; and by that I don’t mean that you have to talk to them on a daily basis. You’ll know.

My parents have been so sweet, I don’t even know. They were the ones that drove us up to Denmark so we could get married. I feel like they’re just getting more lovely with every passing year. I love them so much and I needed to make a mention of them because without them, without that support system, I don’t think I’d be as happy as I am right now.

I think that’s it for now. I’ve been wanting to write, blog, talk about many things, but there’s always something that gets in the way. In the future I need to be better at setting aside time to write, definitely. Sometimes I feel too exhausted to do anything, and I end up playing some game or just sitting in my chair watching shows. I think this is one of the goals for 2017: More reading, more writing. More positivity!

(Now I gotta hurry up and get dressed because we’re meeting up with family at the graveyard. It‘s the birthday of the great-uncle that recently passed away.)

[bloodanddaisies]

I haven’t written a personal post in months, but I’m happy with where I’m at. Only a few more months of hard work and attending to adult things; like appointments and paperwork, and we’ll be a lot more free than we’ve been so far. 

Work is good and fun and interesting, school is a bit bleh and I feel like the hardcore nerd of the class with minimum effort, but I knew when I signed my contract that I’d be pretty much unchallenged. We have enough money to pay the bills and actually get clothes on top of that, and that’s super relieving. Before, money went up and down and we‘d always have to hope that we could pay for rent and food for a month. I’m a lot more relaxed now and looking forward to where all of this will lead us in the future. Alicia already has plans for work and school that she’ll finally be able to follow through on, and I’m guaranteed money and work through my apprenticeship for 3 years.

This is good.

[bloodanddaisies]

Taking a deep breath before I start writing this post. Yeah, I’ve been in the mood to write. But I haven’t really done any writing. Soon. I actually need to take time out of the day to sit down and get it done. I’ll probably take my past meditation times for that now. There have been so many awful news, so many people getting hurt and killed and I’m.. it adds to my anxiety issues. Other than getting sad though, this time it seems I’m getting more frustrated and angry. Might also be because of hormones, but you know.. Pokémon GO has helped me so much to stay away from all of the bad news. It’s super important to take a break, because if you don’t.. at the end of the day you’ll feel exhausted and destroyed. We can’t let this destroy us. We can’t let fear destroy us either. I just want everyone to take a deep breath, relax for a moment and hug their loved ones.

Other than that, life has been crazy. It looks like Alicia can’t stay here the way we thought she could, so we have to come up with a new plan. Which involves a great amount of adult decisions, money and distances we need to cover. But we can do this, I believe in us. And thinking about all of the things that lay ahead actually makes me feel warm. I might be blushing. Another thing is.. I finally resigned at work so I can start my new apprenticeship in September. It actually felt really good, freeing, but I was super upset the day before - some people at work do not know how to communicate, they treat others without respect, and I was so sick of it that I even told someone to shut up after they’d ranted about ‘people’ (she meant me in that sense) not doing their work properly. It pissed me off so much, because I’m one of the people at work that busts their ass to finish up everything, to help keep everything clean, one of the people that stay longer to fix other peoples’ mishaps. I couldn’t keep it in anymore, and I’m not even sorry.

At the end of the day.. I think we should all be a little nicer to each other. A close friend of mine reminded me that that is the most important thing. We should go out and enjoy love, talk to each other, hold hands, hug, kiss, dance.. we should comfort each other and always have an open ear for the ones in need. You never know when might be the last day you’re able to see someone. It sounds super dramatic, and our society that is so complicated and crazily obsessed with structure and ‘productivity’; whatever that means..  doesn’t allow us to think in that way, but.. we should always remember that there are several accidents a day, several unfortunate situations and.. wasting time by being angry with someone because of minor clashes.. it just doesn’t seem right.

I love all of you. ❤️

[bloodanddaisies]

Body Issues

Aah, I was so good for a long while, years, I didn’t really have a problem with my body except for some times when I felt bloated, but at this point.. I’m back to weighing about/over 65 kg and it’s making me super fucking uncomfortable. I can’t sit without feeling my belly fat, I can’t lay without feeling my belly fat, I can’t walk around in my shirt just feeling okay because my hips are too thick, the pants that used to be loose and required me to wear a belt just stick to my body now. I absolutely fucking hate it. 5 kilos can make a difference. I mean, I can feel when I’m over 60 kg, and I feel uncomfortable right away. Of course this happens to me in summer. Another thing is, I feel like it’s hormonal. My period’s been two weeks overdue and it’s right before my period that I get uncomfortable with my body because I just feel bloated but keep shoveling food inside of me. My stomache feels like a black hole. And if my period’s late this feeling doesn’t freaking go away for weeks.

I even tried losing weight for months now, I wanted to go down to 55 ~ 56 kg because I know that’s the most comfortable I’ve ever felt but it just didn’t work out, and I hate, hate, hate it.

I need to stop snacking and I need to not drink anything sweet and just settle with water for a while, but it’s not freaking easy if your stomach pretends to be a black hole for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this out, and we will see what will happen throughout the next weeks, or months. I might have to do sports in the end - I should have time until September.

I’m done with staring at my face and seeing how fat I’ve gotten because you can see that I’ve gained weight right away. It goes right to my cheeks, the sides of my face. I absolutely fucking hate this and it’s making me more frustrated and uncomfortable every fucking day.

[bloodanddaisies]

#BiTalks Topic 24: Being The Bisexual Cousin

What is your relationship with your family*? Are there any other LGBTQ+ folks in your family that you know of? My relationship with my family is great, especially with immediate family -- as in, my parents, my grandma and my sister. My family is quite big on one side; my dad’s mum has 6 siblings, and pretty small on the other side, since my mum never knew her dad. They’re all cool with it, as far as I know. Of course, silly comments were thrown around, but I just ignore them. They all love Alicia and love talking to her, so there really was close to no struggle when it came to me opening up about my relationship. Most of them probably think that I’m only into girls, because they’ve never seen me with a guy before, but as long as my close family knows what I identify as, I don’t really care. Up until a few years ago, I felt I was the only one. But shortly before I got together with Alicia - or probably even around the same time, my grandma’s sister got together with her old boss, who happens to be female. They were both married to their husbands for more than a decade and each had a child with them. Her being with a woman connects us on some level, and I love talking to them at family parties. So no, I’m not the only one. 😉

Are you out to anyone in your family? If so, how did you come out? If not, but you’d like to, how would you like to do it? Like I said, pretty much all of them know that Alicia is my girlfriend. I didn’t really come out to them, I just took Alicia with me to family celebrations and introduced her as my girlfriend. (Now, it’s a bit more tricky in Germany - when you say ‘Freundin’ in Germany, you can’t really tell if you mean ‘friend’ or ‘girlfriend’, but after a while it was quite clear.) I also had a conversation with my favourite cousin about it, and he just smiled and said that he could talk to me about girls now, too.

How did your family react when you came out to them? If you’re not out to your family, how do feel they’d react? My sister was the first one I told. She was totally cool with it and happy for me. My mum went super quiet, which was really awkward and shocking to me for the moment, but she’s never said anything negative about my sexuality or Alicia. She really likes her, so there’s really no issue there. My dad was the one that did the talking when I told my parents, and he just joked around and shrugged. I think it was just me shattering their illusion for my future that made it awkward and uncomfortable for that moment. My grandma reacted with curiosity, really. She would ask me about my relationships and all. My distant family just made jokes and responded with grins, but that’s really all. No one ever said anything against Alicia or me, so I’m very happy about that.

How (if at all) do you think your relationship with your family would change if you came out to them? If you’re out to your family, how (if at all) did your relationship with your family members change after your coming out? It really didn’t, as far as I can think. Maybe it got me a bit closer to my grandma, and I shared a very cute moment with my sister when I first told her about it.