i'm a lesbian identified woman who fell in love with a man that I can't have sex with.
I suffer from what I believe is primary vaginismus. up until recently this was something I was able to completely avoid because i've only been in relationships with women, until last year. now i'm having to face what I feel like i've been running from since my early teenage years.
my vagina has always given me problems, and I don't think i've ever had a healthy relationship with it or my body. at age 25, i'm just now realizing that. i remember spending hours in my bathroom trying to insert the smallest tampon I could find into my vagina only to end up on my grandmother's bed crying and proclaiming that "I don't have a vagina hole." that night came to an end, and the only achievement I had was the ability to run through an entire box of tampons in record speed. I was the problem.
of course I internalized this. I felt like my body was failing me since I wasn't able to do what all of my fellow dancer and cheerleader friends were doing (wearing tampons). it's not easy to be a dancer and cheerleading while having to rely on pads without an alternative, especially when your flow is heavy, and you're prone to accidents.
at that stage in my life, I internalized a lot of things, especially that PIV sex would be painful. I never even got the urge to explore PIV sex because my mother had convinced me that it would be a painful experience and that it was reserved for married couple. I was later, age 16-17, sexually assaulted and abused (more than once) by a man who was close to me. of course that didn't help.
my attraction to women predated the assault, and in many ways, inspired it. while i'm no longer interested in making any attempts to rationalize my abuser's behavior, I do believe he believed violating my body would *correct* my sexual orientation. instead, his abuse impacted my trust in men and nearly ridded me of any attraction I had towards them.
until recently, I didn't have to face any of this. I was able to bury all of these issues and live a penetration-free life with my female partner. while I continued to have an issue with sex and a lower sex drive, we were able to have a fairly healthy, pleasurable sex life while avoiding penetration.
falling in love with a man, however, has inspired me to face my ongoing battle with vaginismus. he encouraged me to look into all of the online communities for those that are battling vaginismus because there are others that are going through what i'm going through, and i'm not alone. so, here I am. it is my hope to bare it all as I take on this journey, one step at a time.
turnnoffyourmind
germansingergirl
discoholicmusic
gummygunk
