Sleeping strike scribblings

This year I am 25. I dont know what I am doing anymore, is she an actor, is she doomed to make coffee and mix drinks forever, should she submit her soul to corportate existance. They say at this age you are suppost to be lost but i dont know. Maybe I am suppost to be a writter or maybe not.

[bluethistlefog]

Social experiment, on my heart, what could go wrong.

I am a girl who doesn't like easily, I barely like people, but every so often, averaging 1 every 4-6 months, one of men in my life will show up and I flip.

Like its Like their eyes are stars, if you get too close they are like the sun and I start to melt. The worst thing is some of these men I see only every so often, out of sight, out of mind. I go about my business, I do things that a girl like me should be doing, I go on the apps, I fall for the charms of a coworker for a minute, I go to dating events.

But then I see that mans face and I am back to square one.

SO. What If, for the sake of cycle extermination I throw myself into the fire, Like an experiment, what If I gave up all my insecurities and concerns and just told these guys that I like them?

Like a social experiment, like a heart work out, like a mental health work out, cos they are all probably going to say no right, so what.

What does not kill thee will make thy depression worsen.

but such is life.

On the other hand, self preservation and social circles in concideration.......

Yeh,better not tell the flyin Snow Giraffe and the Dumpling Currency banker how I feel.

There is no need for me to squish my own heart like a stress ball.

Right???? But honestly what do you think? Ive Known these two men for years and think one of them could be the one, should I bite the Bullet?

[bluethistlefog]

A love letter to a dead poet.

Dear Franz, you will never know the mark you left on the world, on the tried writers and struggling artists, the misunderstood youths and the ones who are alone. You at your Place and at your time, a time where people couldn't understand a brain such as yours and mine, and how heavy your brain wore on your heart and you head.

Your Stories will go down as some of the greats being put up along side other literary minds alike. Your work, is within a beloved sub category of lit, Dark literature, for the people who feel so hard they are numb until they feel it all too much again and are numb once more, by people who can't find the words to gain understanding from those around them, people who feel like loners, aliens and monstrous vermin.

You have taught people how to love the dark inside, how to see the good in it and how to understand it.

Your stories have made me feel seen, in my tiny corner of the world where I constantly am fighting for light.

... You are loved.

[bluethistlefog]

So Warm

As soon as we locked eyes, I can't even explain it, attraction, lust, Warmth. He looks warm, like I would melt, his eyes are so bright and full, it felt like I was being watched in full.

I knew that my housemates brother has just arrived and I don't want to be antisocial and sleep till they are gone so I get out of bed, in just a t-shirt and underwear, I slip on a baggy dress, but neglect a bra, I have literally had my eyes open for just a few minutes and the sleep hangover is still throwing me bout.

I stumble out a mess and he is right there, 6'5, brown messy hair, dark eyes, and smiling, like honestly that smile, like I don't think I have ever felt like I would jump someone until today, until tonight, right now!

I walk through the door tonight and he says 'your home late young lady', this boy has met me once before today over zoom and already he knows me. 'Sorry honey I had a long day at work'. He reads me, How late are you gonna be up for? How many alarms are you going to set? Like how on earth.

I know she would have spoken about me and I love her to bits but I don't think It is just that, I think It might be that he feels what I feel.

He subtly moves his head around to be closer to me while I look at pics of their day together and as he fidgets with the rug on the couch he slightly grazes my arm every so often, like it is impossible to get that comfortable that fast with someone unless you want to. Right?

He isn't snorting, he is breathing like he is awake. In a completely girly, deluded, romancing, flushed kind of way I want him to walk up to my door and come in. My heart is racing, I could almost cry from the blissful stress of it all.

He knows I'm awake, In the tiny apartment the door of my room is frosted glass, I have a lamp on and am typing, surely..................... But what can be done, he is my housemate's my best friend's Big Brother, and he is just a boy, he probably doesn't feel anything, and is oblivious to how I feel and i am too chicken to do anything about it.

[bluethistlefog]

Romanticising being a Catherinette

August 10th, If I am still single, do not call me single, lonely, spinster, old maid... absolutely not, I wish to be a Catherinette, feels very glamorous

November 25th, If I am still single I plan to celebrate St.Catherines day a holiday in which any unmarried women is to construct an elaborate hat and attend a ball. This applies to women who are spinsters over the age of 25 years old (' if you are single and over 25, you are not single you are unmarried')

The holiday to me bares resemblance to an Australian 'holiday' Melbourne Cup day in which mostly groups of young, upper middle, upper class single people dress up and go to the races.

If you ever attend such an event I can guarantee that you will find yourself surrounded by flocks of young single women dressed very prettily and wearing Fascinators which are 'elaborately constructed hats' essentially.

I personally think I would prefer a Medevil time ball instead of watching drunk men bet on horses who run around in circles, but hey thats just me.

So thank you Catherine of Alexandria for being the patron saint of single women, giving us reasons to dress up, wear hats, get drunk and dance with our sisters, Bless.

[bluethistlefog]

waiting

I am a female and I got to do a role for university, traditionally and legally only men can play the roles in this show, even though it is one of my favourite plays ever and one of my favourite genres. The speech of the character I tackled is such an achievement and I will never be able to post about it or put on my social media in full. and the only 2 times I got to perform it my parents didn't show up, sending me a shitty half assed text that I only saw after my speech when I had clocked there absence half way through. I stumbled over my words and my tongue went numb, I recovered and kept going though it, then had to stay okay until after bump out.

I know there are all these romantic thoughts around a broken heart but do you think its possible for parents to break it?

At this rate I think I might actually die of a broken heart.

[bluethistlefog]

-

There is something so comforting about fresh tomato with robust olive oil and flaky sea salt, doesn’t matter how you have it as long as the olive oil is robust, the salt is sea salt or himalayan will do too and the tomato has to be perfect, firm, perfectly ripe. You could have it on toast with butter or cream cheese or none, could have it with Balsamic vinegar or glaze, or with a fresh burrata, with a salad. There is something about it, its so easy, but its better to savour it and not rush it, its comforting like a hug, evoking as a kiss, it could almost be sex level of goodness.  Like when the foreplay starts before you have even made plans to get alone, tucking hair behind an ear, a stroke of the arm, peck on the neck, a hug with a hand cradling your head at the nape of your neck and an arm snaking around your waist. Honestly tomatoes might be the sexiest foods ever, don’t get me wrong there are plenty of things out there one may consider sexier but even just the thought of an oyster or chocolate makes me feel bloated so no thanks, absolutely not. the only real competitor would be peaches but peaches are a little too sweet for me to consider them sexy.