#74 “If you’re seeing a guy and all of a sudden, sex just doesn’t feel good the way it used to, maybe it’s because your vagina has had enough. Listen to that thing because it’s usually always right.”
I’m twenty-four years old and only three men have ever made me cum with their mouths. None of these boys were boyfriends, but in my eyes, they were gods.
My most recent boyfriend dabbled down there, but never really made a dent. Whenever I had my period, he thought that this was the week out of the month he could get unlimited blowjobs since I couldn’t receive in return. But come every other three weeks out of the month, he still wouldn’t reciprocate my desires of his own free will. I don’t know about you, but some days when one of my organs is peeling out of my body and I wake up with my underwear looking like the carpets from the red rum scene in The Shining, I’m just not in the mood to suck a dick. Weird, right?
I ended up breaking up with him for a lot of reasons, but this recurring incident was definitely one of them. How could I stay with someone who basically thought of me as a blow-up doll whenever one of my orifices was out of service? We weren’t even together that long, but towards the end of our relationship, the sex with him literally hurt. We’d have to stop because I was in pain and I couldn’t figure out why. I eventually realized my vagina was literally rejecting him. It was saying, “Fuck you, I don’t like you.” If you’re seeing a guy and all of a sudden, sex just doesn’t feel good the way it used to, maybe it’s because your vagina has had enough. Listen to that thing because it’s usually always right.
I give lots of fucks about the pleasure my partner has during sex, but some guys think that making it to the half-way point when a girl moans a couple of times is somehow a home run. What’s going on in a guy’s head when he’s deemed his work has been done down there? Is there a coach in his head yelling, “YOU DID IT, KID! YOU MADE HER MOAN A FEW TIMES! THAT’S AN ORGASM ACCORDING TO OUR STANDARDS! SHE’S ALL SET! VICTORY IS OURS! NOW GET BACK TO POUND TOWN AND FINISH IT OFF ALREADY! IT’S BED TIME!” Dude, you don’t get a pat on the back because you licked your girl’s vagina the way a cat cleans itself.
Maybe the movies, shitty porn, or past partners who were too nice to say anything led these guys to believe they don’t need to put in work and that every little thing they touch is orgasmic gold. I’m not a greedy woman, but I want the effort I give in return. I want the pleasure I make sure that my partner gets. Too many guys just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, so I’ve created a ten-step program on how to properly eat a girl out. This is what I want to see in a man’s magazines for every “365 ways to please your man” article that’s in a women’s magazine.
Step 1: Make your way south of the border. You may guide this path with small kisses from her neck down to her pelvic region.
Step 2: You’re at the vagina! You made it! Boy, what a trip.
TIP: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HER WHILE YOU’RE DOWN THERE. YOU WILL TURN INTO STONE. Just kidding, eye contact is fine. It’s an intense move, but depending on who you’re down on, it could be very creepy or very hot. You feel it out.
Step 2 continued: Before you pucker up, try some sensual kissing up and down her inner thighs. Not totally necessary, but I’m just saying she probably wouldn’t not be into that. Now get in there. Don’t tip toe around it— go in and find that clitoris. In case you’re unsure of what that is, it’s that thing that feels like a bean on the top of the vertical roast beef sandwich.
TIP: That bean isn’t just any bean. That’s a fucking magical bean. If you know what you’re doing (which you should have a good or better idea of by the end of reading this), you can make a girl convulse with pleasure like a demon is being exorcised out of her. Start off this exorcism right by DJing (using your fingers to rub the clitoris) and then stuffing your face in between her thighs.
Step 3: Use your tongue to lick the magical bean. Lick it up, down, and all around, but remain focused on the pressure of your tongue on the clitoris. The receiver wants to feel something going on down there. It’s kind of like a hard tonguing you do to get something that’s stuck in your teeth in the back of your mouth. Play with the shape of your tongue on the clitoris and mix it up.
(Steps 4 and 5 are interchangeable)
Step 4: Ask if she likes it. Not only does this add a good intro to dirty talk, but also, not all vaginas are created equal. Vaginas come in all shapes, sizes, colors, makes, models, etc. so you’re going to run into some different preferences. More pressure or a certain tonguing may be better for one girl versus another. If you’re already passing this with flying colors (in which case, bravo, sir, bravo), asking how she likes it is a 100% turn on anyway.
Step 5: The same way you’d like to have your balls played with during a blow job, you should stimulate other parts of her while you’re lapping it up like a dog drinking water. Run your fingers down her thighs, grab her hips, or reach for her boobies and massage those guys because they need some love, too. There are of plenty of options. Put some fingers in her cheese box. Lots of multi-tasking can be done in this position, but remain concentrated on that clitoris.
Step 6: Back to switching it up. The clitoris is very sensitive and if you play with it too hard for too long, you’re not going to get anywhere. Throw some light kisses on that magic bean.
Step 7: The beauty of multiple orgasms is that you can have BILLIONS OF THEM. Well, no, not billions, but a lot. Like, a lot. Let me walk you through how a female orgasm feels. It’s like taking the first slice of pizza from the cheesiest pie and watching the gooey cheese stretch like a waterfall. It’s like unicorns eating ice cream and galloping around the rings of Saturn. It’s like bacon. It’s an intense and concentrated feeling that no girl wants just one of. So if or when she orgasms, don’t dust off your hands and move on—give her another. You got that engine purring, so, you know, insert other vehicle related metaphor. Amirite?!
Step 8: Give some time between orgasms. I have no science to back this up, like all of the other scientific evidence I’ve provided, but it’s easier to achieve another orgasm with a short resting period. I mean, don’t check your phone or anything, but maybe throw in some of those soft kisses. Just give that magic bean a breather for a few seconds and then get back in the game, champ. Sports references!
Step 9: At some point, you two can agree when to move on to boning or Netflix or however you people choose to continue your time, but that’s none of my business.
Step 10: High five. Eating a girl out is not complete without a high five.
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