THAT MODERN RUSSIAN LITERATURE AU
Eugene Onegin: drunk and singing karaoke at every high society party, Pechorin’s best friend and big brother
Pyotr Verkhovensky: stalking Stavrogin’s Instagram and Myspace, tagging their photographs #meandmybetterhalf #красавец #lookatthesuniinvented, otherwise respectable forthcoming world leader and your favourite politician
Nikolai Stavrogin: worked as model in spite of the strong disapproval of his mother while ‘studying’ = becoming notorious for his excessive debauchery in Petersburg, among his scandals marrying drunk because of a bet, being suspicious of various crimes including murders and speculations about his bromance (?) and collaboration on the election campaign with a young ambitious politician
Aleksey Kirillov: chooses ‘suicide and the postulate for existence of God in an a priori meaningless world’ as theme for school project (probably yelled Vive la republique! Liberté, egalité, fraternité ou la mort! after presenting his project and jumped out of the window which was, however, on the ground floor so nothing really happened except his reputation as ‘that nutty Les Mis fanatic…’ ever since)
Uncle Vanya: taking care of the estate, always doing work for others, complains about lethargy, follows healthy lifestyle blogs and tries the paleo diet but no matter, everything is same as ever
Pierre Bezukhov: socially awkward, unsuccessfully attempts to become a dandy, daydreaming about Napoleon in history class
Andrei Bolkonsky: cynical, disillusioned and depressed, disappointed by the reality of conservative values such as family life and military career gradually abandons his earlier beliefs and finds peace in unconventional relationship with a younger woman and general forgiveness for all, in other words becomes a Buddhist or some beat generation freak idk
Dmitry Karamazov: has existential moments in pubs, doesn’t even need to be drunk to act like an ass
Ivan Karamazov: too intelligent, everyone at school hates him, tired of his family, could have chosen theoretical physics but studies philosophy, morality is his fav problematic, sometimes throws altruist books against the wall
Alyosha Karamazov: never screams, always nice, helps small kids with their homework, rides a bicycle everywhere
Yuri Zhivago: wants to buy Red Velvet Cake Crème Frappuccino at Starbucks, buys Oreo Shake at Coffeeshop Company instead
Yermolai Lopakhin: tough childhood, sad eyes, successful business, marriage never
Rodion Raskolnikov: Nietzsche’s greatest fan, likes reading the Bible anyway, goes to anonymous alcoholics sessions just to declare that he’s fine and walk away, sometimes sleepwalking looking for a bloody sock (maybe that’s how he got the nickname Lady Macbeth), obsessed with cleanness, always thinks he has a red stain on his clothing and shoes, begins conversation with strangers by telling them about ideal murder
Dmitry Razumikhin: does pub crawls frequently, everyone’s favourite drinking pal, brings people home in his arms after three bottles of vodka
Anna Karenina: says shopping malls and birthday parties are dumb but still goes there, thinks she’s going to die each time she argues with the boyfriend or the boyfriend argues with the husband
Konstantin Levin: refuses to buy a smartphone, has own eco farm and environmentally friendly bio cosmetics label named Levinder, everything handmade!
Yevgeny Bazarov: gets PhD in medicine and doesn’t care, gets Nobel prize and doesn’t care, gets incurable disease leading to death and doesn’t care but he would like to kiss that girl he just saw through the window
Ilya Oblomov: lying in bed all day watching the same channel with soap operas and Bollywood dramas because he is too lazy to get up and fetch the remote control
Taras Bulba: dad of the year, likes listening to (Cossack) songs by Кубанский казачий хор [this means you should listen to their songs, I love them]
Dmitry Rudin: always talking about his dreams, going to America, starting jogging, learning Japanese and finding a girlfriend, gets invited on a date, doesn’t go, always bitching about politics, never voted
Behemoth: that fat black tomcat who is going to take over your apartment, yeah, that one lying on your couch
The Man from Underground: sits on a bench in the park and talks to himself, makes fun of himself and doesn’t mean it, compliments you and doesn’t mean it, forever alone
Pavel Chichikov: falsifying fuel consumption, making nonexistent trade agreements, doesn’t pay taxes, lmao why
Lev Myshkin: cinnamon roll too pure and good for this world, never dresses accordingly to the weather outside, doesn’t speak sarcasm, charity hero, unintentionally breaks every fragile object in 20 km distance, didn’t get the driver’s licence, pope’s rival
Nastasya Filippovna: girl growing up on Princess Diaries, steals your man, then cries, apologises to you, then slaps you
Grigory Pechorin: does nothing all day except partying and getting into fights, rotting with melancholy and futility of existence, watches Death Note and reads dark manga, always bored, thinks he’s lord Byron
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2087
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