Matt’s Guide To Unhealthy Relationships
Since I’m pretty experienced now in unhealthy relationships (*insert sad violin music here*) I thought I’d give out some of the signs and you can decide whether or not you’re in a bad situation with your lover/friend/family member/whatever.
They blame you for things that aren’t your fault/take their anger out on you, be it with cold silence or passive-aggressiveness or yelling or physically hurting you or something else (like throwing plates or punching walls) or threatening to hurt you or others or pets. (I had somebody say they had to imagine beating their cat to death once to cope with anger… yeah, even if they meant it as a joke… not normal!! stay far away from me!! thanks!!)
^ They can’t control their emotions and you always seem to cop the brunt of them even though you had nothing to do with why they were angry and/or if you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and “pissed them off” by saying something innocent.
They got super defensive if you try to talk through a problem with them and try to turn the blame back on you
They act really upset and throw a pity-party for themself to make you feel guilty
They give over-the-top apologies that feel too deep and dramatic to be real
They apologize like “I”m sorry you took what I did that way” instead of “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
They might say “well you’ll know never to do that again!” when you ‘set them off’
They seem to almost set traps for you to fall into so they can get ‘righteously’ mad at you
They act like doing things for you is a huge deal and that you now owe them a favour for it
They tell you they love you so much and give you compliments but when it comes down to actions rather than words, they never support you
They back off a few days after an argument and seem to be treating you better but then fall right back into bad habits
They talk badly about your friends or family and try to isolate you
They call you names or “tease” you a bit too much or touch on the insecurities they know you have and it feels a bit too harsh to be meant in a friendly way
They say you’re being too sensitive (doesn’t matter if you are in their eyes, healthy relationships are about respecting and caring about each other and your boundaries, NO true friend will keep doing something that they knows upsets you, even if they don’t understand why it does)
They say they’re trying to get better… but nothing ever changes
They go on huge hour-long rants when they’re sad and you comfort them but the second you say you’re having a bad day they just say “that sucks” and move on, mostly back to talking about themself
They make excuses for everything. [Note: A LOT OF EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE/MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE WILL BLAME IT ALL ON MENTAL ILLNESS. DO NOT TAKE THAT SHIT AS A REASON TO LET THEM OFF THE HOOK. Mental illnesses are hard to deal with, but if the person never goes to therapy or doesn’t even seem to try to fix it, BIG reg flag. There are always ways to work on mental health. And even if they ARE just that mentally ill, you still have to look out for yourself. DO NOT let people abuse you out of pity or guilt! You are NOT responsible for them, leave if you have to and do NOT look back!]
They talk badly about others behind their backs to you. Harmless venting is fine, but if they seem unreasonable or cruel, and they seem to try to drag you into it, most likely they do the same about you and don’t care as much as you think they do. If you try to defend the person, they try to rationalize it and might snap at you or raise their voice more until you relent.
They seem to lose their temper without warning. One moment you’re fine, the next they’re raging out on you and you don’t even know what’s going on.
They’ve lost friends or lovers before and seem isolated… there’s normally a reason for that
Things based around you never seem to last long; the conversation always ends back with them somehow
You feel constantly anxious or like you have to walk on eggshells when you’re talking to them
They make you feel like you have to comfort them after fights, even if you were the one who was hurt during it
You always end up the one who feels the need to apologize
Every so often you will have a few days of AMAZING fun where everything is equal and wonderful, but then it will deteriorate again. It’s like a fucking drug, the high that keeps you around.
They’re very overcritical of you and will look the gift horse in the mouth every time
You seem to disappoint them at every turn and you find yourself apologizing for anything and everything just to try and stave off the yelling/displeasure
They find something you like and dangle it over your head, like a carrot to keep a donkey plodding along. They always promise to give it to you but you never seem to get it or more than a few bites of said carrot before they take it away to keep you plodding
I’ll say it once, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT MAKE YOU FEEL ANXIOUS OR DEPRESSED OR STRESSED OR INSECURE. There are always bad days to every relationship, but constantly or almost-constantly dreading the inevitable next blow up is. not. healthy.
NOT EVERY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS ABUSIVE. Sometimes two people just don’t get along despite how much they like each other and it’s better to split up than constantly fight or be uncomfortable.
WHEN THE VICTIM NOTICES ABUSE/SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT, IT IS PROBABLY REALLY REALLY BAD. We are CONDITIONED not to notice it, so when we do, it’s really bad. If you have a bad feeling about a relationship, talk to somebody else you can trust, somebody impartial. If they start freaking out, GET OUT.
IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO LEAVE. Even if they’re mentally unhealthy, even if you feel responsible for them, IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. Think of it this way: they are not getting better with you as their crutch. You will be HELPING them by leaving. Most of the time if an abuser says something like “I don’t know what I’d do without you” or “I couldn’t live without you” this is just a manipulation tactic and not real. You will not be any use to them by sticking around and gaining mental health problems yourself.
And MOST IMPORTANTLY, if you feel like you can’t go on without this person, if you feel like they’re your whole world and without them you will be lonely and depressed, if you feel like you’ll never find another relationship like this one or that you NEED them - NONE of this is true. You WILL find other people: no the relationship will probably not be the same, mostly because it will be WAY HEALTHIER AND BETTER FOR YOU!! There are people who will love you and cherish you and boost you up. There are people who will have the same interests as you. You are not alone. You will be okay. Just ,please, leave that toxic relationship, or it will not end well, I promise. It’s not going to get better, you cannot fix this person. You’re not doing anything wrong.
If you know deep down that something isn’t right, trust that feeling. Take care of yourself, and don’t be tempted to go back to them if you walk away. It’s hard to let go, but remember why you left and stay strong. You’re worth so much more than that. <3
