Tw slight nsfw(?) Idk I'm very vaguely mentioning a kink but this is more of a vent post than anything.
I hate the shame I feel around this thing so much. Like in the grand scheme of things this is one of the most harmless kinks ever already AND I'm only fully interested in it either for MYSELF or in fiction 😭🙏 It's non violent, consensual, and my interest in it is 99% just online stuff/roleplay/characters. I'm not even setting out to do that stuff irl, why am I so ashamed? It isn't even necessarily "gross" or whatever AND anyone who knows my life would know exactly how I ended up with it because I also struggle with something that is basically the exact opposite of it.
Honestly? I think it's because I have seen literal CHILDREN be outed for liking it and then having their entire online lives fucking nuked. Like mfs lost friends and had to delete accounts. If a child isn't even safe from the internet's cruelty, imagine what they'd do to a 19 year old queer/trans guy... They'd fucking kill me dude
What sucks is that I at least wish I felt safe yapping about it to my girlfriend. But the fear of weirding her out and making her not wanna talk to me anymore is so strong that I just kinda occasionally say stuff that vaguely relates to it and see how she reacts. She's been so chill about it. I've literally said stuff that hints at me having it and she does not seem to give a fuck. Why am I so ashamed. She would not care and she would understand how I ended up with it.
Like my life has been awful and so many things have happened to me that led to me liking this utterly harmless fucking thing 😭💔 I am so anxious and disgusted by myself for literally no reason.
I think the sad thing is that I have friends who have kinks that are even more socially hated. And they are in the same boat. The one guy who was actually open about it was bullied frequently and the other was too terrified to tell anybody to the point he was even scared to tell me (I didn't mind at all)
So it isn't even just random fear tbh. Like I know if I was honest about mine people would be awful.
The other problem is that it's a kink that could EASILY be mistaken for objectification by people who don't know I'm only really into fictional stuff.... Like I have friends in my life who might end up thinking I'm only talking to them bc I'm some kind of creep and it isn't like that at all :'( whilst I can be attracted to pretty much anyone since I literally do not have physical appearance standards whatsoever due to the fact I am acespec and I don't date based on looks, I don't seek people out based on this kink and if anything I direct it mostly at myself as a way of dealing with a specific mental health problem I have. I don't feel sexual attraction towards people at all and I'm definitely not seeking people out with intent to project a kink onto them. But they won't know that for sure and it would 1000% spark some feelings of discomfort.
God I hate my life. I really wish I was just into fucking like most people. Nobody judges you for liking sex but everybody under the god damn sun will want your head on a stick if you have an unconventional kink, including yourself. :(
People are gonna read this and think I'm a creep arent they. There's no avoiding it. I like a harmless thing because of trauma, I only like it in fiction despite it being harmless irl too, and if it ever gets out that I like this thing, my life is basicslly over. Fuck dude. I can only vent about this on Tumblr bc i know nobody will see it if I dont tag.
If you follow me and you see this i am BEGGING you to not leave based on this istg its literally the most harmless fucking thing ever and I'm never going to post about it to begin with chat istg please don't base your opinion on me off of this stupid shit </3 I wish I was pure and innocent like an angel