bluu’s mind

where my thoughts and ideas reside main: bluujelly

[bluusmind]

welcome to bluu’s mind

[angel--cassie]

[bluusmind]

chat he said he’d update me and he did earlier in the day but it’s been like 3-4 hrs now and nothing. i know he’s drinking and whatnot and is probably caught up hanging out with his family but ughh im just so sad cuz i miss him :(

[bluusmind]

my mind be telling me that i’m doing something wrong and then i become distant because i don’t want to be bothersome.

[bluusmind]

limerence, anxious-avoidant, attachment issues, friendliness

i’m so fucking confused rn…

my heart raced yesterday and it’s weird cuz it didn’t before. what changed? i was fine and now i’m just so focused that and i hate it. i need to learn detachment like right now.

[straightoutthegrave]

[bluusmind]

i yearn for walkable cities.

[bluusmind]

it’s so interesting that after my birthday, my old friends that i were thinking about and wishing to rekindle things with finally reached out to me — both around the same time. before that, the day after my birthday, i told my bf about how i was feeling lonely and didn’t feel valued because of my lack of friends and one of them not remembering my birthday. at that point, i began to think that it was meant to be that i had no close friends (for context one of them i haven’t talked to for a year cuz she never responded and the other cuz we had a conflict and stopped talking for almost year). however, they both came back around the same time two days after my birthday. i’m just really glad and i don’t wanna take this second chance for granted! i find it pretty interesting that i was just down about it a few days ago and now things are resolved and we’re friends again after almost a year of no talking. also, i made a new friend a while ago too which i am so happy about! i guess things just always work out in my favor! what a great year so far!

[lastseraphicsoul]

[bluusmind]

am i pathetic for trying to stay friends with someone who doesn’t consider me their friend? i was left on delivered for a whole year and yesterday was my birthday and she usually says happy birthday but she didn’t this year. i’m assuming she doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore? but she still follows me and all that and literally last year she said “i know we don’t talk much but i still consider you my friend” so im confused and a bit upset cuz being left on delivered for a whole year is kinda crazy imo.

[bluusmind]

i’m closer to 25 than i am to 18…omg. i feel like i was 18 just yesterday. where did all the time go T-T

[bluusmind]

okay i haven’t seriously sat down and drawn something in like 3 years…and wow my art skills have regressed 😭 i’ve forgotten how to draw and that is actually so devastating but no worries because i’ll just have to learn and practice again.

[bluusmind]

i’ve got so many ambitious ideas but i’m too overwhelmed and too impatient to do them all

[bluuscorner]

as an adult, i feel like i’ve lost my spark, my personality, my creativity, etc. i no longer feel joy in the hobbies i used to love. i feel like a cardboard — just boring and blank. i feel less optimistic about life and myself. it’s hard to push myself to do things because of that. i find myself tired all the time. i find myself lost and aimless in life. i find myself regressing to the things that give me nostalgia…and it’s fun for a while but it’s not the same as when i was a kid. i can’t run away from my life nor my responsibilities. i can’t abandon myself because every time i do, i lose myself and i get mad at myself. sometimes i do get a hint of motivation and that takes me somewhere but once it runs out, im back to the same spot.

[bluuscorner]

i love that i am making an effort to be better everyday. even if it’s not perfect, im staying consistent and i feel good.

[bluuscorner]

i find myself feeling jealous to the point that i become a hateful person which is actually so so bad and i hate that for myself. i don’t want to be that person at all. so i am trying to turn that jealous into motivation. every time i see something or someone that i envy, i just keep telling myself thats going to be me too or i’ll have that too.

[bluuscorner]

jealousy really be my best motivator cuz hold on…ima actually reach my goals