blue

writing dump

[blxxeu]

goodbye

dear diary,

this weight inside my chest is becoming unbearable as the days go by. i can't even remember how it felt when it was not there, why it was created, how long it has been that i've been carrying it with me. it has started tiring me out, moving to other parts of my body, down on my legs, inside my stomach, all over my arms, into my head. i can't get out of bed because of it. it's holding me down so forcefully, keeping me hostage on my matress, making my eyelids heavy and unmovable, at times i can't even open them at all.

i don't know what to do. daylight is not making me happy anymore, i don't want summer to come, my mom's apple pies don't bring me joy, my dad's awkward jokes don't make me laugh.

my lavender flowers have withered. i don't have the energy to water them any longer. the windowsill is filled with dried leaves and i can't find the willingness to clean them. my desk is a mess, the curtains in front of it are always closed, i can't bear any light coming in my room, it hurts my eyes. dust and dried flowers have collected all over my books. i haven't read them in so long, they no longer help me travel to magical and dreamy places, they keep reminding me that i'm stuck in tiny dark room, in this meaningless town, in the most random and boring corner of the world.

although, sometimes, it's a bit better. the daylight is brighter, summer seems to come quicker than expected, the smell of mom's delicious pies reaches the crack of my bedroom's door and my dad's jokes are less awkward, but a smile is still not reaching my lips.

these days as i'm lying on my bed waiting for sleep to come, i've been thinking. i don't have any other choice, time is not passing any other way until i get tired enough to close my eyes. i don't know what went wrong, what brought this unbearable weight inside of me. i'm confused. sometimes, whilst in the middle of begging for my eyes to close, i wish they could stay shut forever. i know, it's a terrible thought, but when i close my eyes this weight in my chest disappears and i become lighter, rested. i think this is my only choice.

i'm scared.

i'm so scared.

i hope mom and dad are not too sad tomorrow. i hope they'll understand that this is the only way for me to rest. i hope mom will open the curtains so my room can be filled with light again, i wish the upcoming summer is the warmest of them all, my mom's apple pies to always be the most delicious and her laugh the loudest as she laughs at my dad's jokes. i hope she replaces my dead flowers with new ones and i hope she waters them every day, them being a reminder of me.

that's how i'll be happy too. but i have to go to sleep first.

i made my bed today, maybe i will be able to fall asleep faster this way.

i'm scared.

dear diary, goodbye.

[serpentsandcrows]

[blxxeu]

i’ve got so much art inside of me.

so much of it that it’s running through my lungs, twisting in my stomach and exploding in my heart, buzzing through my brain and ringing in my ears.

such a pity it’s all spent on my sadness. my body aches with the wasted potential, my eyes watering with it, overflowing from every part of me.

but it is all gone at night when i cry myself to sleep or when i hide in silent corners away from the world. keeping it inside.

my art is my depression.

[blxxeu]

too long

you know what? it’s been too long-

too long i haven’t had a cup of hot chocolate with you, discussing life, crying over our struggles, laughing at each other.

too long i haven’t watched a movie with you, cuddled up to each other under a warm blue blanket while you fall asleep on my shoulder, movie night that ends to a sleepover, having the greatest of rests i have ever had because you were right next to me.

too long i haven’t hugged you good night or kissed you good morning, suddenly seeing you walking at the street down my apartment, joining you for grocery shopping and chatting while we stroll around town.

too long without having dinner or lunch together, discovering new places to eat, exploring the world, making special memories that i will forever think about in the future.

it’s been too long and life has been too hard without you.

-to my uni friends that i can’t see everyday anymore.

[blxxeu]

my therapist once said:

"you have the right to have dreams. you have the right to want things." and that was the moment i realised how much i have lost trying to stop myself from doing something as simple as desiring happiness.

[blxxeu]

happy

i want to be four again.  to play with my toys on the kitchen floor while my mom is making apple pie next to me, to scream at the top of my lungs when i'm running down the hill next to my house, to cry of happiness at the news of my mother being pregnant with my little sister, to hold my tears in whilst trying to look tough after falling and getting scars on my knees, to wake up in the darkness of my room from my baby sister crying, to feel unconditional love for my first “forever” best friend when i hugged her for the first time under the christmas tree,  to wake up confused in my bed the morning after i fell asleep on the sofa. 

i want to be seven again.  to smile big at my first attempt to ride a bike and making it, to not be able to contain my excitement for learning how to read, write and do math at school, to cry when i have to leave my friend’s house after playing together the whole afternoon, to eat cold sandwiches on breaks, to witness my sister taking her first steps, to watch disney shows when i come back home from school, to climb the tree in our house’s garden withouth falling for the first time, to eat the biggest ice cream cone in existence that my grandad gifted me on my birthday, to be devastated for having to start wearing glasses for the rest of my life. 

i want to be eleven again.  to relive my first music theory class, to try on my mom’s high heels and fall to my knees, to be scared of soon going to middle school, to get my first ever computer with an internet conection in the house, to start dressing the way i like even if no one else likes it, to start playing instruments and singing in choirs, to announce to my mom that i will become a fashion designer when i grow up and proceed to fill up millions of notebooks with my designs, to play “chefs” with my sister while we are feeding each other dirt mixed with water from the ground, to read books for the first time and realise how much i love them. 

i want to be fifteen again.  to find my very first friend group in high school, to go to my first out of country trip, to win choir competions, to study hard because academic validation is my coping mechanism, to hang out with my friends at the local playground on summer afternoons, to listen to music in my room while singing at the top of my lungs, to find my first part time job, to fall in love with my first ever serious crush, to hang posters of my favourite bands on my bedroom’s walls, to start getting into fights with my sister because she is too young to hang out with me now, to look at the falling stars from my balcony at night, to play video games with my friend who visits every summer.  

i want to be eighteen again.  to cry for days non-stop because my only friends left me, to start attending art classes, to sit on the bus and try not to fall asleep because of my exhaustion, to go to my first and last prom dance, to really feel lonely, to draw every chance i get, to leave my music studies behind, to travel to athens for the first time, to throw up from exams’ stress and anxiety, to hear the news of me getting into my first choice university, to finally reach my goal of moving out of my parents’ house and crying my eyes out for starting a new life, to make new friends from all over the country on my first day at uni, to visit home after months of being away. 

i want to be twenty again.  to walk back home from university while it’s raining and i have forgotten my umbrella at my appartment, to barely sleep because of my assignments, to fail my first uni class, to start contemporary dance lessons, to come to terms with the fact that i may be studying architecture but this is not what i want to do in life, to go out with my two best friends at whatever time of day because i no longer need permission from my parents to do anything, to go to the cinema next to my appartment complex late at night and watch horror films, to travel and meet my internet friends, to journal and draw when i have free time from studying, to do presentations of my architecture projects, to feel like i am finally finding my way. 

oh, how nice it would be to turn back time, to tell myself how much happiness was there when i was younger, how much less worried i should have been, how useless all those tears i've shed were, how silly little me was for not knowing she was letting the best years of her life slip through her fingers by always being sad. i never realised how truly happy i was when i was four, seven, eleven, fifteen, eighteen, twenty and all the ages in between. but, i do know it now, at twenty five, when life has changed for one more time and i feel like it’s out of my control, just like all the other times that life changed and i felt lost... 

maybe in five years from now i will know what the happiness i am feeling now feels, tastes, smells or sounds like. because i always feel happy way too late, i don't know how to feel it when the time is there, i am always a step away from it no matter how close i try to get.