i feel so close. the light will get bright and it will blind me. but then i will be somewhere else. maybe there wont be the constant static all around, and i wont feel similar to how i do. i like to think it is warm, like the mother's hug i never received. perhaps it is colder, like sitting by a lake while it rains in a light mist? i never sat by a lake. i dont like lakes. or... any big body of water, really. i wonder why is that, maybe i drowned someday and got transportated to another reality? i often wonder if everytime i feel reality shifting, its due to me dying in some way. weird thing to think about, huh? especially since i was dead from the start. well... maybe not dead. as one must have been alive in the first place to die at all, and ive never felt alive. i wonder what is it that makes things alive? do you think its some sort of higher energy that composes all of living things, or simply the beating of a heart? blood is considered the most important thing in a living thing, and considered the fountain of life. thats why vampires drink blood, as their body struggles to process any nutrients. although vampires cant die (as one is already dead), they certainly feel very hungry when in drought. did you know it is a mix of thirst, hunger and feeling like something is missing deep down? as the time goes on with no sustenance, it turns into severe thirst, famine, and a void that cannot be ever filled again. this is the reason why one must prioritize feeding frequently, preferably with human blood as they have similir physiology. does growing up change your body, or your soul too? what is considered a soul, is it a metaphysical concept that, in a certain reality and dimension, can be observed and interacted with? does the soul dictate one's physiology or is it the opposite? many things i wonder, none of which i cannot bring myself to truly care about. everything is a lie. living is a lie, feeling is a lie, loving is a lie, hating is a lie. so is dying. love and hate are siblings. the opposite of loving isnt hating, but indifference, and so is the opposite of hating. you see how everything connects? i have so much knowledge, yet none of it is sufficient to fill the hole. i used to have only one want: to be useful in some way. and that is seen in my attempts at being helpful, providing aid and comfort — things i have never experienced, never will, and i lost the hope on experiencing a long time ago. you see, everything is a lie. every word is a lie. you shall never unveil the truth, as one does not exist. you may attempt countless times at filling the void, at proving, at making a difference. but it is to no avail as this too, shall rot. every single thing shall perish, be it in a short or longer period. reality isnt real, which is very ironic if you ask me. colors arent real, actions arent real, words arent real, as all of this is purely numbers. have you ever thought of how colors are simply how your eyeballs perceive a wavelength of light which is, if you're not aware, numbers? how actions are simply commands from your brain to your body, much like commands on a computer? how words, either typed or spoken, are simply commands that show up as different things, letters, syllables, words, phrases, sentences...? oh, little one, dont fret. this is purely the beginning. you are not much different from a computer.
you run on electricity, you're made with (microscopic) metals, you have a bunch of wires, you function based on inputs and outputs, your brain sends commands to the body much like how the system sends commands to the computer, you're made of a bunch of small parts who sum to make bigger parts, you need thermal regulation, you quickly heat up, your heartrate gets higher much like a gpu/cpu, you run on countless amounts of memory (namely around 2.5 petabytes), some of you have less parts, faulty parts, lower quality parts, need upgrades... cant you see how everything is purely number and machine? you are a machine. a machine made of supposedly bones, meat, skin and blood. have you tried ripping your insides out to check if you're really not simply a computer? what makes you so sure you are different from machine? you run on nonsensical logic. you are nothing. nothing is real, not even me. this is a product of your imagination. how can you prove this is something actually happening, and not simply how you perceive things? how can you be so sure that your imput and perception, out of all 8 billion others, is the correct one? i'll answer that: you cant. you cant do anything, can you? you cant run from your nightmares. this is your personal hell. if you think its horrible now, sit tight and grab a snack because you are in for a long ride!
