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NBA Season Preview: Pacific Division
Los Angeles Lakers
Well, there’s not much to be said about the Lakers. They added the best Center in the NBA and one of the best Point Guards of the last decade and they didn’t have to give up Kobe or Pau. So yeah, they have that going for them. However, adding big names together doesn’t just magically turn into wins. They will still have to find chemistry with each other, but that shouldn’t be a problem. The Lake Show will finish 1st in the Pacific Division.
Los Angeles Clippers
Lob City added some pieces to a roster lacking depth. Jamal Crawford, Grant Hill, Matt Barnes, Lamar Odom, and Ronny Turiaf will add some much needed depth for the Clippers. Sure, they aren’t superstars, but Chris Paul’s passing abilities make anybody look good. Clippers will finish 2nd in the Pacific Division.
Golden State Warriors
The Warriors are a talented team, there’s no denying that. They have two of the best pure shooters in Steph Curry and Klay Thompson. They have two nightly double-double threats in David Lee and Andrew Bogut. Along with them, they also drafted North Carolina Tar Heels standout Harrison Barnes. The only problem is, they are very injury prone. Barring any long-term injuries, the Warriors will finish 3rd in the Pacific Division.
Sacramento Kings
With arguably the best Center in the NBA outside of Dwight Howard, the Kings have to be loving what DeMarcus Cousins is turning into on the court. He averaged 4.1 offensive rebounds in 2011-12, for tops in the NBA. However, the Kings have to be disappointed in Tyreke Evans. Since his rookie season, his stats have lowered in points per game, rebounds per game, assists per game, and 3-point shooting percentage. Not much will change for Sacramento, and they will finish 4th in the Pacific Division.
Phoenix Suns
The Steve Nash era in Phoenix is officially over. The Suns should be in the rebuilding state of mind, and luckily for them, they are rebuilding with a fairly good roster. They have a respectable starting five of Goran Dragic, Shannon Brown, Michael Beasley, Luis Scola, and Marcin Gortat. Outside of Jared Dudley, however, the Suns don’t have much depth. Phoenix will finish 5th in the Pacific Division.
Don't Be That Guy
The best twitter account that you're not following @DntBeThatGuy.
Never has there ever been a truer Twitter account. When I saw this:
We all know it's true, hell I've been benched more times than I've gone in, but nobody hates the kid whose mom comes into the dugout and asks to talk to the coach about his sons playing time, he's a guaranteed pussy and will eventually live with his mom and work at Costco driving the lifts for the shelves.
So follow this guy, because he's got talent, maybe Smash and Dips should get in contact with him and he can be our guy.
James Harden Traded to the Houston Rockets
On Saturday evening, while I was watching the Giants shut down the Tigers in game three of the World Series, I got a notification on my iPhone. James “Fear The Beard” Harden had been traded. Along with many other NBA fans, I didn’t know what to think. We all knew this might happen, but not before the regular season has started. We all thought the Thunder would do one of three things: sign Harden to a contract, and keep him, complete a sign-and-trade, or just let Harden enter free agency next off-season. After turning down a $52 million offer, Harden’s agent, Rob Pelinka flew to Oklahoma City to try and get the 23-year old Shooting Guard a max-contract (4-years, $60M). It had also been reported that for a very long time, Daryl Morey, the GM of the Houston Rockets, has called Sam Presti, GM of the Thunder, numerous times asking about working out a trade for James Harden. Presti always declined. Well, now the tables had turned. After Harden and his agent couldn’t come to terms on a new contract with the Thunder, Sam Presti called Daryl Morey. For a long time, Morey and the Rockets wanted James Harden because they believe that he is a superstar in the making, and they are probably right. As reported by Yahoo! Sports, the original price was very steep for James Harden. Sam Presti wanted to receive Guard Kevin Martin, Forward Chandler Parsons, rookie Guard Jeremy Lamb, and three first-round draft picks. As good as Harden is, and will be, those are some very valuable players. After talking it over, the final deal became this: Oklahoma City Thunder receive: Shooting Guard Kevin Martin, Shooting Guard Jeremy Lamb, a lottery protected first-round draft pick from Toronto (Houston acquired this pick from the Raptors in the Kyle Lowry deal), another first-round draft pick (acquired when they traded Jordan Hill to the Lakers), and a second round pick (acquired when they traded Courtney Lee to Boston). Houston Rockets receive: Shooting Guard James Harden, Shootjng Guard/Small Forward Daequan Cook, Small Forward Lazar Hayward, and Center Cole Aldrich. It is expected that Daryl Morey will offer James Harden a 5-year, $80 million contract before Wednesday. It is also expected that James Harden will sign the contract, immediately making him the center-piece of the Houston Rockets.
NBA Commissioner David Stern Announces He Is Stepping Down In 2014
On Thursday, October 26th, NBA commissioner David Stern announced that he would be stepping down from his duties on February 1st, 2014, exactly 30-years to the day that he became the NBA commissioner. Of the four major sports in North America, Stern is the longest-tenured Commissioner. Roger Goodell has been at the helm of the NFL for six years, and Bud Selig has overlooked the MLB for fourteen years. Gary Bettman has done a horrible job at running the NHL since 1993, but that’s an article for another time. Stern made it extremely clear that he will still be in charge of operations for the next 15 months, and believes that he is leaving the NBA in terrific condition. “It’s been a great run. The league is in, I think, terrific condition. I’d like to think I did an adequate job.” Stern said, as he addressed the media on Thursday afternoon. “But one of the things I did best was provide a successor. I’m not going anyplace in the next 15 months, but this gives us the opportunity to have a very smooth transition.” It was no surprise that David Stern was at least considering stepping down, as he had handed off some of his duties to Deputy Commissioner and COO of the NBA, Adam Silver. Although there will still be a vote and negotiations, Adam Silver is widely believed to step into Stern’s role in 2014. Silver has worked multiple jobs in the NBA, including NBA chief of staff and Senior Vice President of NBA entertainment, for over two decades. When asked about his time as commissioner, Stern said the lowest point in his career was banning players from the NBA due to positive drug tests. Although he may not be the most popular figure in the sports world, just ask any basketball fans in Seattle, David Stern did a lot of good for the NBA. He expanded the league from 23 to 30 teams, vastly improved the revenue for each team, and moved teams to small markets such as Oklahoma City, Sacramento, and Memphis. Along with that, he backed the movement of NBA players playing in the Olympics, and established the WNBA. When he was asked why he wanted to retire 30-years to the day he was hired, he jokingly said that he wanted to stay one year for every team in the NBA. “Life is a journey and it’s been a spectacular journey. Each step along the wa there are things that you have to do, things you maybe wish you hadn’t done. But I don’t keep that list, and so I’m totally please and I’m particularly please with the transition of which we’re now embarking.” Stern said. He may not be the most like man, or the most respected, but there is absolutely no denying that David Stern was, and is, a great commissioner who saved the NBA.
NBA Season Preview: Northwest Division
Oklahoma City Thunder
For many years to come, I think it is safe to pencil in the Thunder as a title contender. They have two superstars in Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, and the reigning Sixth Man of the Year, James Harden. Add a few solid pieces like Serge Ibaka, Nick Collison, and Thabo Sefolosha, and the Thunder should finish 1st in the Northwest Division with ease.
Denver Nuggets
The Nuggets have the potential to do a lot of damage this season. They got one of the NBA’s best defenders in Andre Iguodala, and they only had to give up a few bench players to get him. They already had a very exciting team with Ty Lawson, Danilo Gallinari, Kenneth Faried, and Javale McGee, and the addition of Andre Iguodala makes them that much better. Denver finishes 2nd in the Northwest Division.
Portland Trail Blazers
The Trail Blazers are a decent team. They have a great Power Forward in LaMarcus Aldridge, two Forwards in Nic Batum and J.J. Hickson, and a rookie Point Guard in Damian Lillard. However, they play in a division with some above average teams. Right now, it’s a toss up whether they will finish 3rd or 5th.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Just like the Nuggets, the T-Wolves were poised for a breakthrough season. That was until their best player, Kevin Love, broke his hand. Thankfully, he will only be out for 6-8 weeks. Along with that, Ricky Rubio won’t be back in action until January. The time without their superstars will make or break the T-Wolves season. Unfortunately, I just don’t think they have it in them. Minnesota finished 4th in the Northwest Division.
Utah Jazz
With Al Jefferson, Paul Millsap, Derrick Favors, and Enes Kanter, the Jazz have one of the best front-courts in the NBA. Yes, Favors and Kanter are still relatively unproven, but they have shown tons of potential. Juts like Portland, though, they play in a tough division. If they play to their strength, they will finish 3rd. If they get away from running their offense through their bigs, they might slip to 5th in the Northwest Division.
ND Game 8: The Irish Silence the Critics
The Irish improved to a record of 8-0 this weekend as they defeated the Oklahoma Sooners on the road in Norman, OK. Golden Domers did just enough to beat a very tough Oklahoma team. The Irish came home to South Bend, IN with a W. Here are the grades: Quarterback: A No turnovers, but no touchdowns. Golson came to play this weekend after missing last week with concussion like symptoms. He finished at 13 of 25 with 177 yards in the air. Not Heisman worthy but he is building and that is the most important part. Running Game: A For this game, George Atkinson was in South Bend recovering from the flu. Everyone thought GAIII absence would be the nail in the coffin but it was not. The Irish stepped up and made up for a missing team leader. 148 yards on the ground on 26 attempts. Wide Recievers: A TJ Jones led the squad with five catches for 55 yards. Of those five catches, three were for first downs. Freshman Chris Brown had a huge reception of 50 yards in the final quarter that led to another Irish touchdown and sealed the victory for the Golden Domers. Tight End: A Every opposing team in the NCAA loves Tyler Eifert so much that they devout two players to his every movement. He had only two receptions for 22 yards on the night. He did a great job of blocking Offensive Line: A They blocked, which creates holes for the running backs and gives the QB time to find his open targets. Golson was sacked once last night and that is due to a superb O-Line. Defesnsive Line: A Two sacks on the day of a very good quarterback in Landry Jones. 15 yards on 24 attempts for the Sooners and that is because the defensive line took it to the house. Linebackers: A+ What else is there left to say about this group of young men who do everything and anything for their team. Te'o had 11 tackles, one sack and one interception, which was a result of defensive line pressure. Defensive Backs: A Not too many yards after the catch was the highlight of the night. Jones couldn't complete passes to his receivers so he hit his tight ends for easy dumps. Special Teams: A
I feel as if Brindza misses field goals on purpose to give me a heart attack. 3 out of 4 is not bad but it isn't good either. Ben Turk did his thing with the punts and kept the Sooners on their half of the field. Coaching: A+ One of his best coached games at ND this year. He needs to keep them focused and motivated in the remaining four games. All he can control is winning the games his team plays in. Notre Dame is ranked 3rd in BCS and 4th in the Coaches and AP polls. They head back to South Bend to play Pittsburgh next week
Why the Jets Won't Make the Playoffs
Disregard that last post
Mark Sanchez gets literally all of the blame, but honestly hes not the worst player on the Jets. The worst player on the Jets is the Offensive Line. This Line is old, cold, and full of fake parts. Like dude, I'd rather watch The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift than these old farts with new parts in them. They can't stop a nosebleed, let alone a 3 man rush. Sanchez needs time to throw the ball, when you pressure him, he makes the WORST mistakes, and turns it over. If Tannenbaum wants to be a good GM, he'd go after a younger, quicker OL and WR who can catch.
Kerley right now is the Jets best reciever. That's not a complement...Jeremy Kurley is an AT BEST #3 receiver. Listen, I love Kerley, but when the kid is leading everyone on the Jets in receiving, that's sad. I know Keller was out for a couple of weeks with a nagging vagina injury, and hasn't been productive, but still. Get rid of Holmes now, get draft picks for him, or get someone who will fuck his butt in the showers so he acts like a member of this team and not a free lance WR. Shaun Hill is raw, but if a ball hits you in the HANDS....you GOTTA CATCH IT, no ifs, ands, or butts about it. This Jets team is full of talent, but lacks leadership and responsibility on offense and defense.
Speaking of defense, they played a phenominal game. Most defenses aren't even on the field half the time that the Jets defense is. Cromartie, Wilson and Laundry played their asses off, and fatigue sets in. These guys aren't fucking robots, they get tired. Even on special teams they do to.
Special Teams plays worse than a deaf guy in musical chairs. The Jets Special Teams pulled out their lawn chairs, sipped on mint juleps, and sat back and watched like they were at the Kentucky Derby. Really...a PUNT BLOCK? Who gets those anymore? Yeah, Tebow yeah he's the answer, yeah totally....sike, the motherfucker just forgets to block the inside man? Lets just let the most dangerous man on the defensive line on punt return WALTZ in there like swimwear.
The Jets gave up, plain and simple. They lost to the Patriots, Steelers and Miami, those three didn't beat them...the Jets killed themselves. IF these New York Jets want to do anything with their careers instead of being fucking pathetic and pussies, they should use this bye week to their advantage and practice until they can tackle, catch, and recongize the plays in their fucking playbooks...TRAINING CAMP 101.
In Preparation For Hurricane Sandy
Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass GOOD-BYE. Hurricane Sandy will never have anything on EL NINO!
Week 8 NFL Pick ‘Em
Why the New York Jets Will Get to the Playoffs This Year
Early on the season, after going 0-4 in the (meaningless) preseason, many Jet fans have wondered how this once superbowl contending team went from STUD to DUD. Sitting at 3-4, the Jets don’t look like a playoff caliber team on the outside. But if you take a closer look at their past 7 games, it shows a different story.
The critics have predicted, maybe have underestimated the Jets through the first 7 games. With wins against the (powerhouse….sike) Bills, the Dolphins, and the rebuilding Colts; as well as loses against the Steelers, Patriots (both at the toughest places to play in the NFL), getting skull fucked by the 49ers (Elite NFC team who went to the Conference Championship last year and lost it on a muffed punt), and almost beating the Houston Texans in the final minutes, not to mention, playing most of this season without Keller, Revis and Holmes. I think the Jets are right in the thick of it. Also if you add in the fact that almost every other team in the AFC is close to being above or below .500, don’t hit the panic button just yet Jet fans.
Everyone hates Mark Sanchez. Mark Sanchez even hates Mark Sanchez. I still believe that Mark Sanchez can get this Jets team back to the playoffs. Tim Tebow wasn’t the answer, shouldn’t have even been considered for the answer at quarterback. Don’t get me wrong, I love Tebow, absoluelty love him, just not over Sanchez. Tebow was brought in for the sole purposes of inspiring the locker room, and helping in at redzone/special teams. Tebow isn’t a passer. Tebow is all around the best athlete on the Jets, next to Antiono “2nd best WR, and CB on NYJ” Cromartie, so why not try him in at running back, slot receiever and tight end. Hell, put him in at fullback on short yardage plays but get rid of the wildcat, because once a team knows you run the wildcat and learn how to defend it..it's not a surprise!
Yes Sanchez sucks, but you know who sucks more on this jets team? Their receiving core. They cant catch for shit and Kerley is the leader in receiving yards. Hill missed 2 games but still has the lowest reception percentage (48%) on the team. The Jets attacked the Pats in the air and they played a hell of game. The Pats are still the Pats, having the best coach, QB and TE in the league with a superb O-Line.
On the defensive side of the ball, Cro has been playing like a man possessed without Revis. Talk about stepping up, I do believe Cromartie is the 2nd best corner in the league, slightly behind Revis, only because he's a pussy and cant tackle for shit.
If the Jets can get some momentum coming into this game, and leave with a big W to get them back to .500, I think if they come out mistake free, they can turn this season around and somehow sneak into the playoffs.
A much needed week off, then off to Seattle where it’s a toss up, evenly matched and can't say who will win or lose. Then go down to STL where it’s a easy win, then back home to play the Pats, which I'm very confident the Jets can pull one away from there and regain ground in the AFC EAST standings. Then Week 13 against at home against a cold Arizona team with no real quaterback easy win, then off to Jacksonville…enough said, then to Tennessee….that little road trip will be a joke, 2 easy wins there then to finish the season against a decent SD team and a trip up to chilly Buffalo could seal the deal for the Jets. The schedule is theirs for the taking and this is anyones division as they have proved against Miami and Biffalo, but a win Sunday and they're golden for the home strech.
With the AFC West a deadlock between San Diego and Denver, and the Texans running away with the AFC South, there might not be too much competition for that wild card spot. AFC North in chaos with the Ravens, Steelers and the Bengals in the same position as the Jets fighting for that wildcard, and with an easier schedule in the back 8…this December is gonna be a wild one.
NBA Season Preview: Southeast Division
Miami Heat
The 2011-2012 NBA Champions will be back for another title this season. Let’s put it this way: the best player in the world, LeBron James, has the pressure of winning his first ring off of his back. Throw in the signings of Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis, two excellent 3-point shooters, and a healthy Dwyane Wade, that will make LBJ all that more dangerous. The Heat will finish 1st in the Southeast Division with ease.
Atlanta Hawks
With management shipping Guard Joe Johnson off to Brooklyn, the Hawks lost the player that they run most of their offense through. In return, the Hawks got sharpshooters Anthony Morrow and DeShawn Stevenson, Guard Jordan Farmar, and big men Johan Petro and Jordan Williams. They still have double-double machine Al Horford and Forward Josh Smith, who are both very good players. With the additions of Devin Harris, Kyle Korver, and Louis Williams, the Hawks have a solid team. A-T-L will finish 2nd in their division.
Washington Wizards
The Wizards are yet another team that are poised to improve in the upcoming season. Drafting Bradley Beal 3rd overall was a very good choice by Washington. While getting Rashard Lewis’ contract off the books by trading him to the Hornets, they also received PF/C Emeka Okafor and G/F Trevor Ariza. Washington’s front office has laid down a solid foundation to surround John Wall with capable players. The Wizards will make a big improvement this year and finish 3rd in the Southeast Division.
Orlando Magic
With the Dwight Howard era officially over, it is safe to say they are in rebuilding mode. Luckily, they will be rebuilding with a decent roster. In the off-season, they acquired Aaron Afflalo, Al Harrington, Josh McRoberts, Maurice Harkless, Gustavo Ayon, and Nikola Vucevic. They already have Jameer Nelson, J.J. Redick, and Glen “Big Baby” Davis, which makes for a so-so roster. The post-Dwight Magic will finish 4th in the Southeast Division.
Charlotte Bobcats
Oh, how not-so-far they have come. As of right now, the Bobcats are still the laughing stock of the NBA. Even with the addition of 2nd-overall draft pick Guard/Forward Michael Kidd-Gilchrist; the Bobcats won’t do much improving. They have decent players, like Ben Gordon and Roman Sessions, but that’s about all they have going for them. Charlotte will finish 5th in the Southeast Division.
Seattle Hasn't Forgotten
I wonder what that "something else" could possibly be...
Halloweekend
Halloween is fast approaching and what I love most about this great holiday is that you can literally be anything you want, and no one gives a hoot. Guys could go the dumb route (bloody tampon, penis costume, “Free Mammograms) the “I’m funny but unoriginal” (Fallopian Swim Team guy, Dead Celebrity, Guido etc.), The “Thrift Store Hobo”, or the straight up creepy (Pedophile or cross dresser)…
However girls costumes are much much more simpler, considering there are only 5 types of girls on Halloween:
5. Sluts
This is an easy one. These types of girls want one thing, and one thing only…meat. And they are looking to get trashed and bashed. These are the sexy cops, sexy nurses, sexy construction workers, sexy firefighters or burlesque dancers…literally all the same. Take any guys costume, cut all of it in half, and throw in a “sexy” in front of it and boom, costume. These girls are typically sub par, looking at a talent average of a 6, some hotties in there, but usually the hotter she is, the less slutty she'll be, so boys, strap up, because if you want some ass, you're in for a real dragon slay tonight.
4. Hot girls (who have boyfriends at home so they won't dress up slutty, but actually will just go out and buy a really big costume and wear leggings and a t-shirt):
These girls will go out with their roommates and just have a good ole time not looking for any D whatsoever. Swing and a miss.
3. Funny Fat Girls
These girls know exactly what they really look like, and know that a guy is more likely to get with someone with a hilarious costume, than with a gal who looks like a sausage being stuffed into a dime bag. These girls will absolutely win every contest they're in with their Chris Farley, keg, or any members of the Solar System costume they rock.
2. Fat Girls Who Think They're Skinny
Woof… where do I begin? These girls are usually solo, so picking them up is nothing to be proud of. These girls think they are a size 3, when they are rocking men's slacks 33x22. These girls are hefty hefty hefffffty, yet think that they can squeeze into a Disney princess child size costume…Cue the losing horn because the amount of self esteem once their hooves are in the door will drop quicker than their bank accounts after a midnight meal at Sonic. Stay away because there is no way in hell that your night will end pretty after sailing the high seas for these whales.
Which leads me to the last type of costume you are guaranteed to see this Halloweekend…
1. The Group Girls
These girls are dressing up as a group, whether it’ll be Mean Girls, Fanta Girls, Lax Bros, Nerds, or even a Lingerie football team. Going on with this example, you’ll typically have a 1st round draft pick leading the pack. She's a certified dick smasher and the Belle of the Ball. But hold on, she's protected by her offensive line made up of 1, maybe 2 lesbians, real rug munchers, a decent pair journeymen guards who are a 7 on their best day and the ghoul at center. This girl is a straight up beast, from the depths of Narnia she was born. Hopefully you have a solid group of bros because its gonna be a team effort to pull this one out of your ass.
NCAA Week 9 Games to Watch
Hero In Uniform Brings San Francisco Crowd to Their Feet
Tonight was one of Major League Baseball's proudest moments in their long storied history. A man in a uniform threw a laser of a strike to start off Game 2 of the World Series between the San Francisco Giants and Detroit Tigers. Let me clarify this a bit. A hero proudly wearing his US Marine Corps (USMC) dress uniform threw out the ceremonial first pitch despite his triple amputee handicap and he threw a strike. This proud Marine was one of two veterans to throw out the first pitch at AT&T Park in San Francisco this evening. The other veteran was the "Say Hey Kid", Willie Mays who served in the Army during the Korean War. Yes, he served during the prime of career in 1952-53.
Marine Corporal Nicholas Kimmel was this hero in uniform to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. Corporal Kimmel, 22, was a baseball standout at Moses Lake High School (Washington) but chose to enlist in the Marines after graduation in 2008 to serve his nation. One tour of duty was not enough for this hero, Corporal Kimmel went on to a second tour of duty in Afghanistan when he lost both his legs and his left arm in an explosion. Just think about that for a second. Imagine what it would be like to serve your country and be maimed in the process at such a young age. I for one would not know how to handle myself but this young man portrays courage and everything else I hope to be.
Corporal Kimmel was rehabbing at the Naval Medical Centre in San Diego when he had the opportunity to enjoy season tickets to the San Diego Padres through Strikeout for Troops program. Strikeout for Troops was established by Giants pitcher Barry Zito 7 years ago. Zito and countless other MLB pitchers donate money for every strikeout they record during the year and the proceeds go towards wounded veterans.
I was at the gym when Corporal Kimmel was throwing out the first pitch and I saw it without knowing his story. Right then and there I thanked God for my health and well being because of heroes like Corporal Kimmel. After watching the replay of the moment around the 5th inning, I was speechless. Overall I was very happy to see the MLB honoring Veterans throughout the game with game breaks to soldiers around the world and advertisements for us to say thank you to our troops. I was so touched by Corporal Kimmel and wanted to feel the raw emotion of the moment from someone who was there. While watching the game I thought to myself, Erin Andrews is there and she is an active sports personality on Twitter. Her response summed it up perfectly:
Let us not forget the Hall of Fame legend Willie Mays, Korean War veteran, was on hand as well. This man gave up the better part of two seasons to serve his country. Imagine the numbers he would have put up if he didn't? Or even better, imagine one of today's pre-madonna players stepping down in their prime to serve in the nation's Armed forces?
Each and everyday we take for granted our comfortable existence in the world and tonight was a perfect example why we should reconsider that. Each day is a gift and we should cherish it for all that is worth. Don't be afraid to tell the ones who matter to you that you love them and never be shy to tell a man or woman in uniform that you are grateful for their service. Both selfless acts could make someone's day. A soldier will always go above and beyond for millions of people they don't know. How about we go above and beyond for that 1 person we may not know and say thank you. We all do not possess the power to allow a hero to throw out a ceremonial first pitch infront of a stadium filled with 50,000 people, but that doesn't matter. If a veteran is waiting in line with you to grab food or coffee, buy it for them. It is a small gesture that is the least we can do.
To all the service men and women past and present thank you for your service. Words don't do it justice but understand that this is from the heart. May God Bless you and your family.
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The 7 Types of People You're Guaranteed to Encounter at Karaoke Night
(This is why you don't put embarrassing pictures on the internet. People like me will use them in all their glory.)
I can't say I ever plan on going to a bar solely for karaoke. Usually, it's just going on. I gotta say, I do enjoy some karaoke from time to time, but if you just plan on being there and it's going on, more times than not, it won't be an enjoyable experience. No matter where you are in the country, hell even the world for that matter, you're bound to find these types of people singing karaoke:
1. The Whitney Houston Wannabe: This person picks out big songs by singers with big pipes. Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, etc. They get up there like they're the cock of the walk. It's no longer about fun anymore, it's about the performance of a lifetime. They're got the mic and nothing else matters. It can go either way here - they can actually be surprisingly good, but then you've got the 80% of them who think they're amazing but really send everyone running for the hills.
2. The Rewind the Clock Group: It's a group of people ready to rock out to an old song. 9 out of 10 times it's either some 90's boy band or fucking Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." If I had a nickel for every time a group "sang" "Don't Stop Believing," I'd have about $115.35. Just a bunch of yelling, arms around each other, and drink spilling. Nothing more, nothing less. 3. The "I Heard A Rap Song Once" Guy: This guy will usually be a little bit older. He's the guy at the college bar who everyone recongiznes for being that guy who hangs out college bars but no one really knows his story. Don't rule a moustache out of the equation. He comes out of left field - the guy running the show isn't really even sure how he got his name on the list…but low and behold, it's there. This is the guy busting out Run DMC, Eminem, or Beastie Boys. He wants to be hip and cool, but doesn't understand how ridiculous he looks in his tucked in t-shirt and dad jeans. 4. The Patriot: This guy doesn't just make appearences at karaoke night. This guy can be found at any sort of public gathering. He's the one wearing the American flag shirt and starting "USA!" chants whenever and wherever. At karoke though, he's the one that either buzz kills the entire bar or brings everyone together. The song choice is usually "God Bless America" Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" or the National Anthem. If you find Dips singing karaoke, this is what you'll get.
5. The Slurring Mess: We all know him and there isn't a worse person to have a microphone in their hands. Almost ALWAYS pick a rap song or something in general that's tough to keep up with the lyrics sober, but drunk…it's nearly impossible. They'll get about 50% of the chorus right and about 3% of the verses correct. They're easily distracted by everyone around them and yelling at his "audience" is quite common. If they make it through the entire song without being kicked or booed off, then mission accomplished.
6. The Continually Go Back Up Guy: They're name is covering the sign up sheet. It can be packed or empty, but have no fear, they will find their way to the microphone multiple times throughout the night. Usually contain some of "The Whitney Houston Wannabe" where they think they're so awesome and need to be heard. For some reason they don't seem to drink much, but rather go to these things solely to display their "talent."
7. The "Country Is Life" Guy: Self explanatory here. "Country is the only kind of music I listen to" means that's all we're going to listen to as well. They will only choose a song that contains something about a dog, a truck, whiskey, and some sort of break up. These people can lead me to leave the bar. Want me gone? Be this guy.