This week has been a really shitty week. This post is mostly just me venting. I'll be OK, im not looking for pity. I have a support system and coping strategies to sort myself out I just need to vent a little.
I moved on Thursday last week from my 1x1 apartment that was slowly draining me of money into my friends townhome which is going to half my living expenses. And that's great and all but my cat has extreme aggression and anxiety problems. He'd been getting medicated for it but he's got such a high drug tolerance that anything we give him we have to double the dosage for it to have the effect that the normal dose would have for a normal cat.
Needless to say, during the move on Thursday he broke out of the room I'd had him and my other cat in while I got my room set up. In the process of getting him back in the room and into the crate, he bit my hand and scratched up one of my roommates. We got him started on a short term sedation drug while we weighed the options over the weekend. He settled down enough to not be so scared he attacks me but just yowls for hours nonstop due to separation anxiety.
The vet thinks he might have a brain tumor which has caused the aggression. Even scared cats don't normally attack their owners. But I can't afford to get him brain scans to diagnose much less treatment if he does. Not to mention the off cha ce that it's not a tumor or that it is but treatment doesn't help. We've decided to drug the hell out of him. We upped the dosage of the anxiety meds he was already on, added in a secondary anxiety drug, and I'm slowly getting the rest of the stuff the vet suggested such as cbd oil, pheromone sprays, and the like. If it says "calming" on it im getting it. Its... only mildly helping so far but we've only been here a week and today is the last day of the sedation drug and we started the new anti-anxiety meds yesterday. I just really hope this works. I hope this is all worth it and gives me a cat that I love being around. That im not scared of. That I'm scared for.
Like on a scale of 1-10 how anxious are you, my cat is constantly living at a 10. He has no quality of living like that. He can't be around other people bc he will attack them. And he's just anxious and scared out of his mind all the time. So if this new action plan doesnt work... well I'll have to euthanize him. And I really really don't want to have to make that decision.
I got the news about all this on Monday and just sobbed for like 6 hours straight. And I still had to go to work.
It's been a shit week at work too. The boss man was having a gout flair up from stress so he's grumpy and in pain which has made him irritable and altogether unpleasant to be around. He's also been really paranoid bc of the stress. We have security cameras in the school which isn't a bad thing, we need to have them. But the fact that he watches the feed, purposely moved the camera over the front desk to monitor everything I do, calls me and asks me what I'm doing when I'm there alone. Like yesterday the spot where my cat bit me was feeling very sore, so I was icing it and he calls me and asks me what happened to my hand. And like it's not like I'm fucking around at work. I do my work I get my shit done. But it's the assumption that I am and that even when I'm alone, I'm still being watched and have to monitor myself. Like I was raised barely reformed jewish. I wasn't meant for this Christian guilt panopticon bullshit.
faked an emergency to go home early last night bc I just could not stand being around the boss man last night. I did not want to take class with him. I was already emotionally at my wits end and was not in the place to deal with him.
It's also the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. So just the reminder of oh yeah I buried my grandfather on this day 2 years ago sucks.
And then also there's the news about moonbin which is hitting me hard too. Like when jonghyun passed I didn't consider myself a shawol (I still dont). But there was a really long time where I couldn't listen to shinee's music. But with astro and moonbin? I've been an Aroha since day one. The day hide and seek came out, I listened to it nonstop. Their music helped me through some really dark times bc it was just impossible for me to be sad while listening to their music. And as shallow as it feels to say it, moonbin was my bias. He was also incredibly close in age to me. He was born only a week before I was so that just makes it hit different. I know that one day I will be able to listen to Astros music again and feel joy but I don't know how long that will take.
And this weekend is my boyfriend and my roommates birthday but I don't know how I'm supposed to go out clubbing with them when all I want to do is stare at a wall and not think. Like my social and emotional batteries are just drained. I really don't want to have to perform being a person. Just for 24 hours I need to turn off. Like you know when a computer is giving you problems? I feel like that like someone just needs to turn me off and then turn me back on after waiting 30 seconds.
It's just all this heavy things this week, all the grief and stress. Not to mention the kids I work with being absolutely off the rails too. They've been pushing every single button. And I just have no patience for it.
And on the one hand I want to channel all this emotion and grief into my writing, on the other hand I just want to not do anything. I'm like any minor inconvenience will set me off crying.
I'm also just living on the razors edge monetarily. I've got no savings, my credit card is maxed out, I've got bills to pay, and I don't get paid enough to cover it all. At the last apartment I was living paycheck to paycheck with barely enough to cover my most pressing bills: rent, utilities, food, gas. I had to put off buying new underwear for like 6 months bc I couldn't even afford the $10 for a pack of the cheap Walmart shit. I've also got some big bills happening right now. With the move I had to break my least which cost me. Getting into the new place I've got food costs bc I finished almost all of my staples before the move. I've got all this shit for my cat. I'm behind on my student loans. I'm behind on my membership for taekwondo. I'm going on a cruise in like 20 days and I need to have money for that. Afterwards is our tournament and I want to compete which costs money that i dont even know if I'll have. I'm just tired of living frugally not because I want to but because I have to.
So that's where I'm at lmao.
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