Not Your Uncle.

Bob Wyatt. 57. Bookkeeper. Warden Small game hunter. Upstanding member of the communi—Who else heard that?

[bobdangit]

inconvenientsimonstrocity‌:

So you’re saying America, as a WHOLE, feels like the personal opinion counts as a valid opinion and is worth hearing and not certain individuals online who feel self-important.

I’m confused, weren’t we talking about a bad movie with cats?

I’m saying use the Internet to get famous while you still have your looks.

And once they fade, go into podcasting.

Talk about Cats. People on the internet love cats.

[bobdangit]

fearfordinner‌:

[pm] Because when you get shot you can’t go out and do more things that could get you shot. He mistook me for a bear. It’s fine. It’s kind of funny. On account of him being the biggest coward to ever walk the earth. 

[pm] Sure you can. All you need is a bigger gun and some back-up. I know people who can help.

A bear like... Paddington? A Care Bear? Don’t tell me you’re acquainted with this Elmer Fudd. What’s a coward doing with a gun? 

In this case, I mean. Not in a commentary-on-the-state-of-the-nation kind of way.

[inspirationdivine]

Lamb Skin Glue || Bob and Lydia

[bobdangit]

inspirationdivine‌:

“No thank you,” Lydia replied, smiling warmly. The back of her neck prickled, like someone was watching her, but she had gotten good at ignoring the impulse to look around. It was part of the mime nonsense, she’d figured. Chloe’s was dead. That vampire’s was dead or the vampire himself was. Lydia’s gun was in her    Especially when what mattered most was the appearance of complete confidence as she smiled at Bob. 

Besides, Deli food was perfectly fine, but Lydia didn’t love to eat human food when she already felt full from a very different kind of meal. If she was going to have to eat, it better be divine. Epping’s Deli just fell short of her high expectations.  “Don’t let that stop you. I’ve already eaten.”

Her eyes dragged over the bag, nose crinkling and her lips turning down slightly at the sight of it. The next moment, her composure back, she looked back up to him with unblinking eyes. “You certainly know how to make an impression. I hope your cargo is in better condition than the container.”

“All-business it is,” said Bob, with a mock-mournful tip of his head. Sitting back down, he gave the menu a cursory once-over. “I’m gonna order some hash browns, though. We can pretend to share. Two people who sit down and eat something at an eating place are less memorable than people who… well, don’t.” A shrug, and his gaze skimmed Lydia’s face. If his smile widened from end-to-end, it was because of the irony. “Of course, you’re a hard one to forget, Miss Griffin.”

He beckoned the server as she was about to flit away from the nearest table. She glanced from Lydia to Bob, and back again, trying to sell them on the specials menu. Or maybe it was Lydia that she couldn’t take her eyes off, her pen vibrating against her notepad. Finally, Bob had to for ordering the pie “to go”. Motel living was tragic enough if you didn’t have good food to get you through the day.

Once she had left, Bob unhooked the backpack and toed it over to Lydia’s side of the table. “Don’t knock the packing material,” he said, mock-offended. “The thing’ll make it to your freezer in one piece. But it was too big to fit into a carry-out bag from Costco. This is reuseable. Good for the environment and everything.”

[bobdangit]

inconvenientsimonstrocity‌:

Oh. Uh. Maybe? Well yes, but those countries having a general mindset or belief doesn’t exclude the possibility that there are people IN that community or country that don’t value their own success over others

Never mind.

And there you have it! The “general mindset” is what people mean when they talk about country values. You think there aren’t tree-hugging people here who cry every time a slug gets salted? Or people who’re happy to throw away their future for a lifetime of becoming one with their living room couch? The outliers don’t count, Steve [User has to double check] Simon. They’re just screwing with the sample size.

[bobdangit]

inconvenientsimonstrocity‌:

Ever driven a… vegetable drink? No, I don’t think I have. Commu– no. No, I’m not. I thought personal glory was a people thing, not an American thing.

What A. V8. Engine.

Debatable, actually. You got whole countries that encourage its people to put the herd above the individual. Or herd gets offered up as a ritual offering to the one God. I’m looking at you, Italy America may be full of bozos who drive hybrid and drink wine, but at least it teaches its kids the right stuff. Be enterprising, get somewhere, die happy. None of this other commune crap.

[bobdangit]

sgtrolandhills‌:

I’m sure dentists everywhere would agree with you. 

I think I can be alright with that. Air of firm authority? Tell that to my detectives that are in the middle of a station prank war. Been told that once or twice. Get it from my dad. Thanks, I do my best, sir. 

And their approval fills with joy. It’s like they’re helium and I’m a red balloon.

Oh, does serving and protect run in the family? Good looks and confidence are the best gifts a man can pass on to his boy. I hope you get the chance to do the same some day.

[bobdangit]

thebickedwitchoftherest‌:

That’s totally a low blow dude. You got me all teary eyed and everything. I bet you must feel awful now, right? Be broken hearted my dude. :/ 

Well I can try to bless my $6 grocery store merlot as much as I want but I don’t think God or Jesus are coming anywhere near my house. So at the end of the day instead of feeling blessed rejuvenated I just usually end up drunk.

Ooh, let me go buy a bucket hat before he hit the open sea. Granddaughter? I thought I was your niece. What about that whole uncle vibe you got going?

Oh, so you’re capable of emotion. Interesting. Let me put away my giant carving knife. You know I always hate it when my dinner starts leaking from around the eyes.

What’s with people in this town and moms on the internet and wine? Has nobody heard of rum? Is there some national wave of semi-sobriety that the world is moving towards? Also don’t drink at home, Jesus. That’s the slipperiest slope to alcoholism. Always go to a bar. Always.

Bucket hat and some frankenfurters. We’re going somewhere that doesn’t have vending machines. And no. Just no. You’re not my niece. We’re not related. Forget I said anything. Next. Question.

[bobdangit]

carrionxcamille‌:

I’m not super keen on the idea of digging graves if I’m totally honest, but it’s not the worst idea I’ve heard so I will keep it in mind, thankyou.

How is that not the worst idea you’ve

Yeah? How much worse is the “worst”?

[bobdangit]

fearfordinner‌:

[pm] Gruncle, how do you know so much about being shot?

Yeah. It was a few weeks ago. I’m just bored in bed. I didn’t call 911 though. Can’t trust no cop or no cop adjacent. 

[pm] When you get to my age, WebMD becomes your best friend.

How the hell can you be bored if you live a life where you can get shot? Who the fuck is shooting people in this place? Don’t tell me he mistook you for a moose.

[bobdangit]

isabelle-belle-belle‌:

As one should be. Did you know I won the town’s hotdog eating contest 5 years in a row.

Of course I am, but it’s not the first time people have tried to tarnish the reputation of mimes. It has gone so far that some people are convinced that my restaurant is responsible for all of this. Someone else might fear for their safety, but I have never been a coward. I will devour them all

I did not. My heartiest congratulations to you, ma’am. My winning streak back in Franklin was broken after just 3 by some underdog that nobody should be giving a shit about. So five is a big number. Shiv ‘em if they ever try to take your crown.

Uh Reputation They’re mimes for Not gonna lie, the honour of mimes is a weird strange unusualconventional hill to die on. You must be real committed to the theme of that place.

[bobdangit]

inconvenientsimonstrocity‌:

Yeah, I suppose you have a point. Glad you liked the V8 joke.

Oh… I didn’t equate unwanted opinions with personal glory. Is that an American thing?

Ever driven one?

What do you mean is that an IS that an Ameri Yeah it’s an American thing. Up there with apple pie and baseball and waving the flag for freedom. Don’t tell me you’re a Communist or something.

[bobdangit]

chasseurdeloup‌:

i used to be good at a lot of things. Like hunting. But no. Not anymore. Now I’m just a fuck up living in a shitty town with a girlfriend who has fucking wings. wHo drank a whole lot of wine.

There, there. Being a fuck-up’s pretty much a given if you live in a shitty town. It’s one of the things that census-takers are told to check. They probably yank your WCPD townfolk card if you’re well-adjusted.

Dried out yet, or still hitting that bottle? And you know, for the next time, may I suggest bourbon.

[bobdangit]

chasseurdeloup‌:

yOU’D hear hippies coming. Mimes are silent and daedly. 

I can’t arrest people. Unless they’re mean to animals. Maybe that’s how we get them. We frame them for animal cruelty. aS long as the animals aren’t actually harmed.

Hey, didn’t you use to be able to spell? You used to be good at it and everything.

[bobdangit]

isabelle-belle-belle‌:

Thank you, I am thrilled to be part of this journey, Monsieur. Why, yes I am. And you are ?

A big fan of a good dinner.

Aren’t you concerned all this clownery’s bad for your business?

[bobdangit]

fearfordinner‌:

Wow. I’ve never heard any of this advice. Thank you gruncle Bob. You’re my favorite gruncle. What advice do you have about getting shot?

Say what Call a doctor.

[pm] Depends on where you got shot. And how long ago.

General tips:

Don’t elevate legs for anything above-waist. Except arm. Arm is fine. Fuck arms.

Don’t drink or eat anything.

Apply pressure. Really get in there and put your weight in. Put dressing. Don’t bother with a tourniquet if you or your buddies don’t have any practice.

Chest wound: seal it off somehow. Plastic works best. Remove only if there’s trouble breathing.

Recovery position, if person unconscious.

Don’t call 911 if you’re not sure you can trust ‘em.

Don’t call me if you’re not fae. [After some deliberation, user ultimately deletes Point No. 7]

You still breathing?

[bobdangit]

kadavernagh‌:

A CORONER!? I am NOT a coroner! You know what a medical examiner is, right? I’m a medical doctor, appointed rather than elected, with years of experience specific to forensic pathology. I am not a coroner.

And – wait, what have you heard? About them talking BACKWOODS. I was in the backwoods! That’s where the dung was! Don’t worry about it. What does Jell-O have to do with anything?

Just yanking your chain. We’ve had this discussion before. Never not amusing though. So you’re saying that seeing as you’re not the coroner, you do have people who want to be around you. Must be nice in your line of work. You don’t want to be the next Doc Frankenstein or anything.

Sure. Lots of moose in the backwoods of Maine. And in the frontwoods, too. And on the roads. Goddamn moose everywhere. That’s a lot of vehemence on the subject of them, though. Are you sure you weren’t, say, cavorting with a friend that you don’t want, ah, another friend to know about? Because that’s fine. Your business. It’s all between you and the moose.

Jell-O’s just a better medium for the wrestling is all. Don’t worry about it.

[bobdangit]

inconvenientsimonstrocity‌:

Mmmmmnnn well, USUALLY I can smell things a day or two before they go bad. It’s particularly useful for things like milk or chicken. No, I’d say the bread is the exception, not the rule. Aren’t liquefied veggies just V8? I think I’ll just… stick to not posting my opinions out there that people don’t care about. Thanks for the tip, though~ It’s better than “watch Cats”.

Quite a nose you got there, sir. Shame you don’t put it to 100% nutritional use. Then again, having chicken after it’s gone bad is a different ballgame from the bad bread, so clearly your self-preservation instinct isn’t dead. Just comatose.

Just so you know, I had a good laugh at the V8. Nice one. I’m going to have to remember to... “borrow” that.

Your lack of interest in personal glory is almost worrying. Seems very un-American of you.