What am I doing?

25 & living?

[boldbluntblossom]

A little bit of a pick me

I had to go 17 days with little to no male contact because I need to fucking stand up lmaooooo. I started feeling this olddddd ass man. He's literally 40. Like a whole 15 years older than me like wtf is even going on here?!?!?! And whyyy on the day that i break that fast i immediately text him and he responded girl. Not only did he respond, he facetimed me to see my face. Ughhhh. And I'm typing all this with a stank face because seriously WTF. Oh and I also cooked for my "brother" who I have a slight crush on. Girllll I need to stand up. Mr.40 can't get me my ranch and cattle so what am I even doing? He's just fine a lil bit. See that's what I need to do. I need to actually talk tohim about what he feels about his future with his wife. Like do you want land and cattle, because I want him to take care of the cattle frfr. I just wanna raise the kids and cook, spend money, and decorate the home. But this time I know I wont be overly going for him. I cant let loose a little bit because im actually cool with being single for the rest of my life, but i know the Lord knows I want a child and husband so he'll give it to me, but in this time I'm focused on the brushes. Makeup brushes.

[becherdireinen]

trust that everything will fall into place without you forcing it there.

[boldbluntblossom]

No need to be accepted

I am going through a change that may be marked as being an outcast. Some changes are harder to go through when it's in front of others, but not this one. It just is. It really is just is. I'm loved so there's no need for the world. I just need to be on my side, God's side, and as a promise to myself I will find beauty in each and every day.

[boldbluntblossom]

[boldbluntblossom]

When no one is looking...

Who am I? Am I still a creative? I'm easily influence so it seems. I want regulation in my nervous system but that first starts with realizing that I have to be able to encounter emotion, feel it, and go on knowing that better will be here. Life cannot be about the chance to chase better, but the chance to be. Literally experience it all. When it is time to weep, i must weep, when it is time to laugh, i will laugh, pain must be felt right along with the joys. Pain brings as much to life as does peace. But why must I remind myself of this always? What is so hard about releasing control and just living. I don't have to be right, I just have to be grateful for all that God has created. I have to know my truths and just live by them. I guess that's the bigger picture. When no one is watching, what are my truths?

[boldbluntblossom]

Milestones of Consciousness

Today. At this moment. At this time. I'm allowing myself the space to be. It's the thing I've begged for for yeeeaaarrssss, and quite frankly the more I realize that everything I've ever wanted was right in front of me, the more I see that space is something I can create when I create it. Today. At this moment. I am 25, but quite often I feel no older than 16 and other times older than my 57 year old mother. My dreams feel so closed but yet so distant. I'm realizing that nothing is hard, it just takes time. There's nothing I can't do, unless I'm willing to live to get it. I've wanted to die time and time again, but I realize that I hated not coming to a conclusion. An arrival point that I've made up in my mind. Overwhelmed with plans and thought process. I embrace decision fatigue and move forward with realizing I don't have to make all of them. I'm perfectly fine as is, and perfectly fine evolving into who I will be. One day, whether I like it or not, I'll be saggier, a generation that had it's time, achey from the gravitational pull, and wishing I could go back in time to be more of myself in a younger body. I love this bold, blunt, beautiful, blossom. There's not one aspect of myself that is more important than the other. I have 3 core principles, and a million names. I am created in the images of the i am so i am dynamic. I'm a universe and a galaxy and so are you. I am a black hole, a sun, an orbit that has a pull. I am vast and unexplainable, complicated, yet beautiful. This page has made me grateful. I had a tumblr in my early teens and to be back, anonymous, and fulling releasing myself, feels like honoring who I've been, while in the process of becoming. I thank God for all that is created and allowing me to be a creator. Using creativity, pouring my heart out.