Grow the Fuck Up: Shitty Clique Repellent
If this spell sounds kinda like it’s targeted at a bunch of high school bullshit that’s because it… well, it is.
Here’s the abridged version: A friend and I found out that several people on the forum we met on who we thought were cool were actually shitting on us behind our backs while being saccharine sweet to our faces. My friend is a lot more hurt than he’s trying to let on because he was friendly with a couple of these people. Me? I’m just bothered by how upset he is and want them to grow up. We’re talking grown-ass adults in their 30s working full time jobs. One of them works 70 hours a week. It’s absolutely ridiculous I have to resort to this, but here we are.
This is a combination binding spell and hex designed to compel the offenders to stop being passive aggressive jerks to my friend, bite their tongues, and give them a string of shit luck until they realize what assholes they’ve been and cut it out.
A black pen/pencil/marker (for binding, also for power. Can vary depending on personal color correspondences) and/or an orange pen/pencil/marker (for decay and bad luck. Again, can vary depending on personal color correspondences)
Three thorns or pieces of black thread. I’m using hawthorn thorns, partially for their magical potency and because I’m aiming to tank people’s luck here, but mostly because I have super easy access to a hawthorn tree. If you don’t have thorns or thread, you could use strips of paper colored black (or whatever color you associate with binding) notches cut into the end so they can be connected together.
A source of flame and a fire safe bowl (or just tear it to pieces if you can’t burn stuff). Also, tongs, tweezers, or smoking gloves. Something to hold it so you don’t stand there with it in your bare hands while you wait for it to catch fire. That leads to bad places, like the ER.
(Optional): sigils to match your intent.
(Optional): photo taglocks, if you have them and feel they’re necessary.
Draw a tongue. Color doesn’t matter, but I went with red because I’m a pedantic buttpipe and also had a red pen on hand.
On the front, write their name(s) in orange or black. I also included a sigil to really drive home the string of bad luck.
(Tip: If you don’t know their name, whatever you call them in your head should work. I’ve hexed someone to get a specific behavior to stop and I didn’t even know who it was, I’d just been calling them a handful of profanity for the previous six months so that’s what I called them when I cast the spell.)
(If you’re using other sigils, draw them on the back of the tongue in black.)
By this point I had this:
Except obviously not censored for privacy reasons haha.
Recite/think the following:
“You really need to stop this shit.
You are way too old for this.
But since you won’t stop, since you won’t quit,
I have to put an end to it.
With this spell I make your luck
go straight to hell- now it sucks.
Enjoy a string of shitty days
Until you learn to mend your ways.
With thorn and fire, your tongues I bind
Till you pull your heads from your behind.”
(Substitute “with this spell” for “with thorn and fire” if you’re not actually using thorns and fire.)
Roll the sucker up (and if you’re using photo taglocks roll them up with it).
Go for your thorns or ties. Here’s mine:
(tip: if you’re working with hawthorn thorns try and get younger thorns, like the one on the left. Middle one struggled to go through the paper and the one on the right just refused. Less grey they are, the sharper they are.)
Take the first one, and focus super hard on the string of bad luck that you want to happen. Visualize it, speak it aloud, whatever you usually do.
Repeat the process twice more, then stick it (very very carefully, yes I’m going to nag you about fire safety again) in the flame. Burn baby burn.
(If you can’t torch it, tear it to shreds and break the thorns.)
Ideally flush the ashes down the toilet (you know, because these people are turds) but only do that if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your septic system/toilet can handle it.
If not (or if you tore it apart) toss them in the trash. If you have a communal dorm trash can or one in the garage or something, that’s the best place to stick it.
Whether you burn it or tore it to shreds, if there are huge unburned chunks of thorns lying around, bury them.
