Forever the Dreamer

Random stuff that suits my fancy. Bad jokes and puns are always appreciated.

[zackisontumblr]

when i’m home alone i’m either

hell yeah party home alone awh yea

i’m so alone is there even anyone still alive on this planet

do you ever get so annoyed at everything that you start to get pissed off at even little things like a spoon clinking against a bowl or sounds of people talking  

[alternativeblkgal]

I think it’s called sensory overload. It’s really common in people with anxiety

[reynabeth-deactivated20180821-d]

it can also be a result of sleep deprivation, stress, or ever dehydration !!

[mightbeinsaneforever]

thanks i thought i was just a bitch

[ghouloriented]

This is the most heteronormative thing I’ve ever seen in my life…………

[wetigers]

Why are straight people like this

[officialjared19]

So…. which is which……

[cubeg1rl]

i can’t stop laughing thinking about how opaque and incomprehensible this would be if u encountered it while dissociating

[commander-ledi]

new gender binary:

people who barely speak

people who never shut up

[shimmerangels-deactivated201804]

anyone who thinks the left one is the ladies room has never met a man

[sarah1281-deactivated20190328]

So I guess you choose which one to go in based on if you want a silent bathroom experience or to make smalltalk? 

[freakxwannaxbe]

There are only two genders: Introvert and Extrovert

[picsthatmakeyougohmm]

[5nkc7hdrl-deactivated20180324]

[cr-familiar-faces]

Windex isn’t carbonated 

[cr-familiar-faces]

[blackcatfemme]

But….. the scent………………

[asskylosaurus]

They’re both windex. I’ve been drinking it for years to build up an immunity

[thcrin]

I remember my son having a friend come over. He was about 13.

[gamechangershow]

Click here for a bonus panel!

[tastefullyoffensive]

(via Cameron_Valle22)

[shitpolsays]

[powerburial]

im going to cry

[direlog]

[aurorabearalis]

One of my all time favorite posts tbh

[hotvampireadjacent]

we never should have laughed

[obviousplant]

I added some fake dance classes to a local dance studio

[shitroughdrafts-deactivated2021]

A Study on the Sex Life of Insects

The Honey Bee

When a male Honey Bee mates with the Queen, his genitals explode and snap off inside of her and he dies. This acts as sort of a genital plug to prevent other males from fertilizing the queen.

MALE BEE: Wait… what is that?

QUEEN BEE: What is what?

MALE BEE: Is that a-

QUEEN BEE: It’s not what it looks like.

MALE BEE: Okay because it looks like a snapped off penis.

QUEEN BEE: It is a snapped off penis.

MALE BEE: WHY IS THAT A SNAPPED OFF PENIS?

QUEEN BEE: Can you calm down?

MALE BEE: NO I CAN’T CALM DOWN THERE IS A PENIS INSIDE OF YOU BUT NO BEE ATTACHED-

QUEEN BEE: Can you stop yelling?

MALE BEE: (starts hyperventilating)

QUEEN BEE: We can still make out and stuff.

MALE BEE: I think I’m going to throw up.

QUEEN BEE: Let me get you a glass of honey.

MALE BEE: (vomits everywhere)

The Praying Mantis

The female praying mantis has been known to sometimes bite and eat the male’s head off while in the midst of mating. The male will continue to inseminate, longer and more vigorously, in his decapitated state.

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: No. Absolutely not.

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: Why not? Don’t you care about MY needs?

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: Yes but-

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: But what?

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: It’s my HEAD.

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: I need this. I can’t tell you the last time I felt satisfied.

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: What? What about last night?

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: I faked it.

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: What? No. NO. That was real.

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: …

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: OH COME ON.

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: I’m sorry. Please do this for me? Please?

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: Can’t I take a pill? Maybe try a new position??

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: There’s no pill for this.

MALE PRAYING MANTIS: I love you.

FEMALE PRAYING MANTIS: I know.

The Black Widow Spider

Black Widow Spiders are famously named after the fact that the females often kill and eat the males after mating.

POLICE SPIDER: Hi mam, we got a call about missing person?

BLACK WIDOW: Yes, thank you for coming. It’s my husband. He’s disappeared.

POLICE SPIDER: When was the last time you saw him.

BLACK WIDOW: Last night. We… you know.

POLICE SPIDER: Yes mam?

BLACK WIDOW: We had sex.

POLICE SPIDER: And you haven’t seen him since?

BLACK WIDOW: Not since right after we had sex. I’m hungry. Are you hungry?

POLICE SPIDER: No.

BLACK WIDOW: Do you want to have sex with me?

POLICE SPIDER: Yes.

BLACK WIDOW: Very good. 

[stability]

Superdeluxe im screaming this is incredible

[cucumber-kimchi]

[mirkokosmos]

[weloveshortvideos]

Skipping a rock on a frozen lake sounds absolutely insane.

[ciarachimera]

The sneaky fart at the end always gets me 😂

[regalgorgon]

I CAN’T. THE FART. I’M DYING

[whatareyoudoingferret]

[teddiursam-deactivated20230110]

Kidnapped

[carbisari]

Taken

[thecheshiresmiles]

everytime I hear about children of the corn I think about the guy I met at comic con who actually lived in the town they filmed that movie at, and on the farm where they filmed in the corn. he was a teenager at the time and him and his friends would get drunk on moonshine and rustle the corn and let the air out of the tires of the production team’s trailers and shit. and now there’s Wikipedia pages about how the children of the corn set was haunted and they thought they angered god but it was really just drunk hillbillies

[superiorhomo]

I don’t like adding to posts but I also have a funny story like this, so I was watching the movie the Blair witch which takes place in burkettsville maryland, which to me is so funny because that is were my grandfather lives and the town is literally just old people and cows with their main street consisting of a post office. Well anyway he told me that after it came out people were coming in like bus loads to the town to find the witch and my grandfather lives up in the Mountain area and people were up in his property trying to find the witch and it made him angry so he went out and hung up stick people and stacked rocks and it freaked the people out so they started thinking something was out there when really it was my 80 year old Italian grandpa who wanted people out of his woods.

[ginathethundergoddess]

We had ghost hunters come to a historic house in my town to film and if you think every high school kid in town respectfully stayed at home that night instead of going to fuck up that filming you’re dead wrong.

[animentality]

this is comforting, actually, sometimes paranormal things are just a bunch of bored people dicking around in the woods.

[kalyayev-deactivated20180228]

New favorite cryptid: locals

[weavemama]

America is about to be that part in the lion king where where pride rock became all shitty bc Scar became king

[0fthem0untains]

have yet to see a better analogy

[mysticmoonhigh-deactivated20211]

Are you implying Hilary Clinton’s daughter will assassinate Donald Trump because I’m okay with this

[breelandwalker]

Actually, if we follow the narrative, I think it would be the Obama daughters. Which would be even MORE awesome.

[qi-mera]

Malia’s gonna fight Trump on the roof of the Whitehouse while it’s on fire.

[dianasbi-deactivated20171023]

while joe biden dresses in drag and does the hula as a diversion