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half gun; half car

afuckingmosasaurus

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knifenymph

this november we are healing from things we don’t talk about

kidmanproject

So I have been learning a lot about grief lately and how writing things down can help. My therapist wants me to archive some writings and this seems like the best place since none of you know me. The ways we process grief and loss are varying, and I have seen several different types of loss I this year. A particularly hard break up with someone I didn’t want to leave and was still so deeply in love with. The physical death of my abusive father which was left so unresolved and my grandmother whom I loved quite dearly (and I’m still not convinced her death isn’t in some way my fault). I also experienced the ambiguous loss of my best friend who had lied to me about his parents being sick to the point of dying, only to have me run into them on my birthday at the movies, I had gone to see the incredibles alone and there they were, perfectly fine. I confronted him but never received a response, we no longer speak to each other and it’s like he died. These along with my inability to date without feeling disgusting, my exhaustion of working two jobs and caring for my mother in the aftermath while hiding my own pain from her I was near collpase.

By the end of July this year I thought I would be better off dead. And honestly considered killing myself more than once. My partner had moved on to someone new and I was devastated. I had believed that his new ambition and desire to build a life for himself might one day lead him back to me, (when I had the chance to begin sorting through my grief I even swallowed my pride and asked for him to come back to me) instead his ambition had been for someone else. Which is something I’m working on being okay with, I truly from the bottom of my heart wish them happiness, I really am so glad he is doing well and found someone to have a full life with. But I was still crushed that it wasn’t me he chose. And he doesn’t even think about me anymore. I missed my best friend and my grandmother. Being around friends only made things worse. And I had so many nights where I cried myself to sleep. I believed I was being punished. My grief told me I deserved all that was coming to me since I was so cruel to leave my signifigant other, to no longer speak to my friend who was clearly struggling with mental health. I told myself I was selfish and unkind and even though all of my grace had been used up by others I should have found more energy and kept pushing for them. I lashed out to everyone around me, thinking isolation was what I deserved. And while it may not have been the best behavior, My councelor tells me it was necessary, since almost always I behave “logically” and don’t always allow myself to feel things. Grief has a funny way of making you think the worst of yourself, especially if you are prone to doing so already.

Cut to today and I’m doing okay, the question my therapist asks most often is “why are you so quick to be so kind to others and not to yourself?” And while I have always been this way this year has made it worse, so I made that question my mantra and ask myself everyday why that is. I’m working on it. I’m working on the idea of allowing myself to have feelings as well without the fear of people leaving me. I’m allowing myself more and more to get angry with people, to allow my hurt feelings to show, to allow myself good days and bad days. Allowing myself to tell people when something is wrong rather than keeping it to myself. I was told grief can overtake you if you let it, and boy did I let it. So the past few months have been about converting that self hatred into different energy. I have my routine, I get up every day and create art. My heart feels lighter, I don’t obsess over things I can’t change and losing weight has helped me feel more alert and healthier. The nightmares are less frequent (almost gone thank god) and I don’t wake up with a heart made of lead, at least not every day.

I guess my main point here is that grief isn’t stationary, it doesn’t work in a linear way. It comes in waves when we are reminded of people and things we once loved. Grief sits heavy in your chest and can feel like a burden that can never be relieved. I can only offer the comfort that time does heal, maybe not all the way but enough that you feel like you can move again. And I finally feel like I can move again. Move out of bed, move towards my goals, move on. And maybe that’s the key, movement. Grief can paralyze you, perhaps moving is the only way to get past it. Perhaps the seasons changing help to, the cooler weather always clears my head and makes me feel new. Lately it feels like things are letting up, I have more good days than bad and that’s all that really matters right now.

#im sorry this is so long #i will probably have a few long posts of my progress here #tw: suicide

bassiter

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Clair De Lune by Claude Debussy except you’re exploring a supposedly haunted cave at night, and it seems to just start playing somewhere in the depths. As you head toward the source of the music and as it gets louder, you begin to hear whispers.

anancientheart

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

anancientheart

whenever i post this it works reblog if u want to feel good things & the universe will bring u something sweet

fulaneh

mi-aaah

Okay LOOK i’m not saying that Hozier is definitely and for sure the Greek god of the underworld Hades,,, I’m just saying that a lot of his songs are about death and love and he just so happened to drop an EP right as fall is coming back around and Persephone would be returning to the underworld. In this essay I will…