Bordeline Bitch!

a day in the life of a 36 yr old happy, hyper, emotionally unstable but confident and brutally honest wife and mother recently diagnosed with bpd.

[bordelinebitch]

The funny thing is... since my last post.....The one person that's supposed to care hasn't even asked how my day went.... He forgot. He don't remember. He's so wrapped up in his own shit that clearly mine isn't important. Perhaps I'm not a person after all ... just a nothing.... sinking into no where?

[bordelinebitch]

I am a person.

I cancelled my app this morning to meet my new keyworker amd have my 3mth review... having a bad today and feeling pissed off... I feel I'm being passed from pillar to post.......my keyworker who I've been working with for 5 mths suddenly left to work at a different location.... no phone call no letter.... no introduction to my new assigned keyworker? Nothing. I've opened my heart to this guy and thought I was making progress. To be so casually passed on the the next available le keyworker with no thought for how this might make me feel has made me angry. So.... met new keyworker.... she seemed ok... then at the end of our meeting she tells me she has some bad news and she won't actually be working for me after all.... as she has also been moved. Are they taking the piss? So today I was to be assigned to 'mike' and also to see Sarah who manages the rehab for a 3mthly review. I was in such a bad angry frame if mind this morning that I knew I would be deliberately awkward amd obnoxious...not that I want to be... It would have just triggered me. I even contemplated getting shit faced before my app. To liven things up! .... not cool. So I cancelled. So Ive missed to weekly appointments now which only triggers me anyway as I rely on them to keep me grounded. So tonite I'm going to get wasted and no doubt cause destruction. The hardest part of my journey with bpd is reconising and Learning to understand why I became this way. I wasn't born this way... I have a past... I have feelings. So messing me about when j finally felt I was settling is unprofessional and quite frankly fucks me off. I am a person.... not an assignment that can be passed around and discussed. It's not fair.

[realisiert]

[bordelinebitch]

Love these lyrics.... x

[bordelinebitch]

Lost in thought.... x

"Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again, Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping, And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence."

[x-fucking-insane-x]

[bordelinebitch]

If I continue to keep them inside I may burst!

[wtfzodiacsigns]

Aquarius are stubborn when they feel passionately about a subject and will not back down. - WTF Zodiac Signs Daily Horoscope!

[bordelinebitch]

Thanks! This made me chuckle..... very 'me' the last few days!

[bordelinebitch]

Sometimes when I'm pissed off I occupy myself with food. I love food! :) I go away valentines weekend as my birthdays the 13th and valentines day after. Hubby has booked us into spa hotel and for a nice Italian meal. I sometimes wonder why he loves me so much? Anyway.... not feeling great image wise so want to lose 7 lb between now and then. So cooking a nice healthy home made vegetable soup. Smells divine x

[bordelinebitch]

[sunflowersandhappycolours-deact]

[bordelinebitch]

Pissed off.

So I had a phone call from my recovery programme today to arrange my app. With my keyworker as I've missed the last two, only to be told that he's left and I've been assigned a brand new keyworker so my appointment will be with her. Nice of them to have informed me amd let me know! It really pisses me off as I've opened my heart to John, my previous keyworker and he knows and understands me well. I feel like ill be starting from scratch.... and it takes me right back in the wrong direction, I'm not good talking and hate meeting new people it sends my anxieties through the roof... so this is not good for me :( I understand people move on etc from working positions but I'm upset I had no call from him to let me know amd prepare me or even a letter in the post. I feel totally let down and back at square one when I've come so far. Totally pissed off.

[bordelinebitch]

Hahaha hell yes!

[bordelinebitch]

[bordelinebitch]

It's raw....

At nite when it's late and dark and silent and im left with nothing but my thoughts and the voices in my head. That's when I need sleep the most and my whole body amd soul fuckin knows it. That's when I want to get up and go wild and fuck it all and tomorrow is when I'll wake and feel empty and distraught because I did so.

[bordelinebitch]

Excepting my big mouth

So yesterday was an emotional day. 6 mths ago myself, my 13yr old and some friends were physically attacked my a drunken lunatic, leaving one friend with a stab wound.. Long story short we have been awaiting a date for the trial at crown court where we would testify. I received a phone call yesterday from the detective in charge of the case to say the case has been dismissed…… and it’s because of me. Unbeknown to me, I am recorded by the police officers that attended the scene distraught and angry at seeing my son assaulted my a 40 odd yr old man…. now understandably I would be. But what I’m also recorded saying is that’s we “beat the shit out of him” and i also said “I’ll admit I hit him….but he just assaulted my child….are you a father? What would you do?” Now as much as I stand by that …. and have no regrets of getting a few punches in on the man that punched my child to the floor. I honestly do not remember saying this. On the nite the man did get a few slaps… He had punched to women and a child to the face and racially stabbed a male. So granted our group of male friends retaliated. But obviously…..This was not put in our own statements! ;) Part of the affect of my bpd is I act impulsively and i have no understanding of where to draw the line when I’m feeling emotional or angry…. I act destructive and often cannot remember my own actions. My mood swings go from 0-10 in seconds and i struggle to keep up with myself. So this was news to me….and pretty bad news. I feel dreadful that because of me amd my big mouth this case will be dismissed. I feel awful for my friend that took a knife wound to his face but because of no weapon as evidence it cannot be proven other than our statements as evidence that now mean nothing. But mostly I feel awful for my child….. my 13yr old innocent son who is the most well behaved decent child I could be blessed with amd who was punched to the ground by a 40 yr old man because he saw his mother assaulted and stood forward saying “leave my mum alone” because on the nite I couldn’t keep my mouth shut over our actions of deserved retaliation it’s been chucked out of court and the man that assaulted myself my friends but especially my child walks free. I feel responsible, ashamed and humiliated. I spent yesterday in tears and got horrificly drunk. Today I have to accept it happened….. I have considered appealing on medical ground…. as with my bpd I often act impulsively and don’t remember my actions. But I fear the outcome….I fear trying and failing and in honesty I fear being ripped to shreds in court by his defence. So….. This bordeline Bitch has some serious thinking to do…. but until then….I shall relax. Relax pour a drink and some stop punishing myself…. I wasn’t born with these issues…. I was made this way…..There are underlying reasons a person is diagnosed bpd. I have to remember I can learn to live with it…. control it and beat it.