Sometimes you feel like the world sucks and everything is out to ruin you. Sometimes you have to make your own light in the darkness. Look towards the horizon. Things will get better.
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Sometimes you feel like the world sucks and everything is out to ruin you. Sometimes you have to make your own light in the darkness. Look towards the horizon. Things will get better.
Sleep Deprived Confessions
There’s something I wanted to tell you for a while now. And I’m just not sure how to bring it up. But it’s 4 am and long past the hours of inhibition So here goes.
You terrify me Wait, no, that’s not what I meant. You make me feel things And those feelings scare me. But I’m addicted to the rush I feel when your name lights up my phone.
I never thought I was going to get this close to another person again. You are so easy to talk to. Sometimes I can’t stop myself and I say something dumb But you laugh and make it alright.
You know everything there is to know about me. All the ins and outs. My ups. My downs. Or at least I thought. You constantly surprise me with questions. Deep and insightful things that rip my heart open and lay everything bare.
I don’t mind. In fact, I’m glad to. I’m happy to share because deep down I’m holding out hope that if I give you all the pieces you can glue me back together.
The world was dull and listless until she came and filled in my life.
Backwards
Wisdom Is the absence of Insanity
Drinkable Grenades
It started in 7th grade with a girl named Tia. I’d like to say it was her fault, But it wasn’t. I can only blame myself.
I didn’t do it for the normal reasons. I didn’t go out. I didn’t party. I didn’t do it to be cool.
I wanted to forget. I wanted to not feel. I wanted endless oblivion.
And it worked. For a while at least. I don’t remember those years really. Hazy images at best. Glass bottles blowing holes in my memories.
I drank to not love her. I drank because I didn’t think I was good enough. I drank because I wasn’t good enough. I drank and drank and drank. But it was never enough. I saw her face all the time. Even when the darkness overtook me.
She knew, of course, what I was doing. She told me to stop, begged me to stop. Told me that she was worried. How could I tell her I did it because of her?
I was looking through the yearbook the other day And I came across a message she wrote me. I looked at it and realized. I can’t remember her. So I had a drink to toast her farewell. A fading memory in a sea of bottles.
How to Kill a Friendship in 3 Easy Steps:
Step 1: Share Common Interests. Now what’s that you say? Liking the same things doesn’t end friendships? Oh well excuse me! Why don’t you teach the class then and I can sit down and put my feet up? Oh no really. Go ahead. Come on up. Oh you don’t want to? Well then sit down and listen because my method is guaranteed foolproof. (I would know). You do a lot of the same things; you read the same books; you like the same shows; you go to watch the same movies; you talk all the time.
Step 2: Develop Feelings.
Now you see why the first step is fundamental to the method. Oh sure you still like the same things but now you talk so that you can listen to their voice. To see them smile when they get excited about a show they forgot was on that night. To make them laugh with a funny quote from that movie you saw together 2 weeks ago. You find yourself wanting to talk about more complex things. Like the future and their plans. Their life goals and dreams. You find yourself wanting those things too. You spend your days with them and your nights thinking about them. Thinking up new material to give them even the briefest moment of joy.
Step 3: A Prolonged Death.
The final piece of the puzzle. You have long since realized that you’d rather spend your time with them instead of other people. You cherish strange memories. The way they brushed their hair back into place behind their ear. Or how their hand felt against yours when they passed you something. You want to tell them. You want to tell them so badly about your feelings. But you don’t know how. You start half the sentence, you look at them, and their eyes make your mind go blank. You get choked up. Your mouth turns dry and the words which were just on the tip of your tongue ram themselves back down your throat. Not today. They had a bad day. Tomorrow then. But tomorrow becomes the next day. You’re scared that they’ll run away or laugh and reject you. Like everyone else has. And you’d rather have the torture this friendship is for you than risk it dying because losing them would devastate you but you are used to bearing the pain.
And there you have it. How do you end a friendship? You love them. You love them so much you push yourself away from them.
Kaleidoscope
On my deathbed I hope to see the light,
You know, the one at the end of the tunnel;
The one that heralds the pearly gates of heaven.
But I do not think it will be the pure white light that others claim it to be,
Or at least I do not hope so.
I hope God bathes me in a black light
So I can watch a long life of sins be revealed.
I want to be bathed in the dim purple glow.
I want to see Him recoil and shudder.
And I want to say
“This is how you made me”
Instead of piercing white,
I hope to see forest green.
The color of faerie circles and wild things,
Of pine boughs and springtime blossoms,
The color of childhood memories long forgotten and missed.
Instead of a sanitary glow,
I want to be warmed by crackling orange.
A hearth, a dog, and loved ones surrounding me.
I want to hear the song the fire sings to me.
Instead of serenity,
I want to see the color of the ocean during a storm.
That tempestuous mix of green, blue, and gray.
I want my life to have been filled with such reckless abandon.
I want to feel the adrenaline rush through me again.
At the moment of my passing,
I want to feel alive.
I hope for all these things and more
A kaleidoscope of life experiences crashing to a head.
I do not want my afterlife to be monotone.
After all,
Eternity is too long a time to be drab.
“You Don’t Have to Do it Alone”
People do it everyday, everywhere.
In their car,
At work,
At home,
On the land, On the sea, In the air.
They always think they’re alone when they do it.
But they aren’t.
Millions and millions of people are with them
At that exact same moment
Doing the exact same thing.
Thinking they’re alone too.
...What am I even talking about anymore?
Do any of you know?
Masturbation seems rather crude.
And while probably true, I’d rather not think about all the old people....
I’ll let that thought linger in your brainspace.
Suicide?
Well that’s just rather tasteless; but sadly true as well.
(1-800-273-8255: National Suicide Prevention Center)
Or am I talking about life?
Yes, maybe.
Think of all the people you pass on the street everyday.
How many is it? 50? 100? 200?
How many do you look at? How many do you not look at?
How many times do you look into someones eyes and see the soul inside?
Do you smile?
Do you wave?
Or do you look down and away?
Hoping that they do they same.
Well, in any case, it’s up to you do decide, dear reader, which of the three is true.
But if I may soapbox for a moment,
Take the time one day to ask a stranger how they are
And really mean it.
“All stories are true,” Skarpi said. “But this one really happened, if that’s what you mean.” He took another slow drink, then smiled again, his bright eyes dancing. “More or less. You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way. Too much truth confuses the facts. Too much honesty makes you sound insincere.”
The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss (via quotewithasource)
Dschinghis Khan - Moskau (Buffalax lyrics) Original Moskau video with the misheard english lyrics that was made by buffalax. Going through the hay to your home!
Not mine. all credit to the youtube channel and all that.
This is truly inspirational.
“A Commute”
Scene: Early morning. Driving to work. Running late. Listening to music on the radio. Some traffic but it could be worse.
There’s a car in front of me. Black compact. Pretty typical. I drive one too.
Only one person in the car. Male I think...and tall, judging by how much of his body pokes up above the headrest.
There aren’t any cars in between us but I’m pretty far back so I can’t really see him, just his shadowy outline.
He wiggles uncomfortably. I feel your pain brother, its a rough world for tall people in small cars. Its either murder on your back or your knees, which one will it be today? I shuffle in my seat too.
3 exits to go until mine.
The radio plays one of those songs you just have to groove to, y’know? I’ve always been a singer in the shower and a dancer in the car kind of guy. So I start tapping my hands against the dash and the steering wheel.
The guy in front of me does too...exactly the same way. Cool. Must also be listening to 95.1. Turn it up bro!
2 exits to go until mine. He hasn’t turned yet. Wonder if he’s going downtown too?
The radio DJ is slaying it today because after the commercial its right back to another killer song. A little more metal than I’m used to but hey, if it wakes ya up. I start banging my head...well okay, more like bobbing but this is my fantasy I get to be a rock star if I want to be alright?
My friend six seconds ahead of me is rocking out too, his slicked back undercut flopping about. I brush mine back, realizing its not perfectly in position. Its a pretty common haircut now-a-days I suppose.
1 exit to go until mine. He’s still right there. Huh, kinda strange, we passed the more common exits. I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing. I pump the brakes and slow down to give him some more space. Don’t want to creep this guy out by making it look like I’m following him. I am bathed in the red lights of his brakes.
Another commercial, ugh....maybe 98.3 will have something good. *click*
I snap to attention. He sits more upright too. I LOVE THIS SONG! So does he. I do a little white girl wiggle...hey, I never said I was a good dancer. I can see him doing a little shuffle in his car seat as well.
I’m so caught up in the song I almost miss my exit. I *gently* slam the brakes, yank the blinker and it is only when I’m about halfway down the exit ramp that I realize he didn’t come with me.
My commute companion. My sing-a-long buddy. My friend.
Goodbye.
“Brain, wither wander thou...?”
A day’s worth of scatter-brain half-thoughts.
Vigorous Futharking.
Miscellaneous malleable moist matronly mammals master mixed martial arts maliciously.
Time wounds all heals.
Is “pussyfooting around” a compliment for people with a foot fetish?
Smudgy Thimblefwip.
There is not sich thing as typisos. Your fingers are tying to talk to you. You justn eed to listen better.
Calling it a “Bushboar” would be way more intimidating than calling it a “Hedgehog”.
“There is no cause for alarm” cried the alien, “I am just like you”. “I put my pants on one squishy tentacle appendage at a time, same as you”.
Hiatus really sounds like a Harry Potter spell.
What if the reason I can’t find a girlfriend is that natural selection works too well and she’s already been voted off the island?
Damn you, Britney Spears.
BLT on rye bread with a side of coleslaw.
“Midnight Musings with my Bisexual Therapist”
She makes me cry long before she pulls out the strap on.
I bite the pillow, I cry, I plead, I balk
I confess my feelings like I never had before.
She sees through the charades,
behind the veil,
behind the jester’s grin that I stitch to my face each morning.
You could say she has me pegged.
I love her but she says I don’t
Or at least not in that way.
Can a man love two people at once, I muse quietly as I sit at my computer desk in pajamas and sweat.
Maybe I don’t know what “Love” is
Maybe I never did.
Is it a feeling in the head or the heart?
Or is it lower still?
I kid, I kid.
She knows about the night terrors
I suspect she has them too.
Why else would she stay up to talk to me?
I’ve never been good company.
But she doesn’t know about the day terrors.
I fear I’m stuck in a hamster ball, spinning away my life.
Never quite reaching my destination
Although truth be told, I’m not sure where that is.
I am afraid of dying.
That maybe that’s all there is.
I’m so scared that “to live” is too close to the only word I want but doesn’t include “I”.
Is it not for me?
What have I done to deserve eternity alone?
Well, much actually...
Too soon I finish and drift off to sleep.
“Good morning madame” my parting words.
I must make another appointment soon.
There’s always more sins to confess.
“The Funambulist at my Fingertips”
Twinkle, Tailor, Tumble, Spy.
I dangle on the precipice.
Sometimes I sit,
Sometimes I stand,
Sometimes I stamp my feet in time to a beat that only I can hear.
My tightrope is a windowsill.
And the world rockets by.
Sometimes I am compelled to spring from my perch into the vast expanse.
And then I fly, carried aloft by the rushing currents of air.
I conduct as I drift
Matching the roaring of the air to the rhythm of the music and the beating of my heart.
But sometimes I simply sit and stare.
The music much slower, softer, sadder
The wind less raucous
The strings of my puppeteer momentarily snapped.
On those days I sit on my windowsill and watch for other ones like me.
I haven’t seen them yet, but I keep looking.
The world seems awfully empty.
But what do I know?
I’m just a hand dancing to the car radio.
“Universality and the Way of All Things”
As I was walking through the library of life I spied a book from far away that seemed to call to me. “Read me! Read me!” It cried. And so being a rather obliging fellow, I obliged.
It was a dusty old tome bound in leather and locked by a chain that had long since rusted away...so unlocked, I suppose one could say. But that’s rather drab don’t you think?
It had always been a habit of mine when checking out a book to cheat a little and skip to the last chapter and read that first.
“And thusly, he died in his bed at a ripe old age surrounded by friends, family, and loved ones” Concluded the last page of this magnificent specimen.
BORING! Oh my god, so Boring.
Where was the pizazz, the oomph, the sex appeal? I wanted a book that was going to blow my socks off even when I wasn’t wearing any.
So I tossed it to the floor, spine twisted and pages bent. It was irredeemable in my eyes. I perused the shelf once more looking for something fresh, something new...Ah yes this will do. A new instrument of of entertainment had caught my eye, this one quite a rather thin novel, with hardly any binding at all. It moreso resembled a spiral notebook than anything else.
Turning to the back again I was dismayed to see that it was blank. Indeed, flipping backward towards the front revealed to me that the majority of the book lay unwritten. Only a scrap of an opening paragraph.
“Warmth, light, a tunnel, screaming, brighter lights, no lights, a box, warmth again”.
Incoherent gibberish! Bah. I so loathe free verse poetry. This book, if one dared to call it that, went to join the pile on the floor.
But still I was unsatisfied. Fear not for me stalwart companions! For there was yet one book left on the shelf. And it looked deliciously perfect. Crisp and clean, a neat little black book with freshly cut paper and a hand that scrawled across the page most elegantly.
This one I was determined to make a good one, and as I had jinxed the previous two by reading the ending first, I sat down right there and began to read it in entirety.
Oh it was most glorious! A literary buffet of sins and grief and loss. The author had truly captured the soul of the man. So enraptured was I in my new escape that the world dissolved around me until there was just me and my book.
So enraptured was I that I did not hear the rough man behind me approach, no, nor did I hear him accost me for my possessions. I did not hear the chamber click nor the bullet pass as it passed through my head. I did not even hear the screams of the other patrons of the library as they recoiled in horror from the scene.
And as my book fell to the ground, its pages fluttering apart, if one cared enough to read it one would have seen written there in a holy script:
“And thusly did he die, broken and alone. Surrounded by those he threw away, for he rushed headlong unto the end”.