Thereâs a negative feedback loop that occurs in my head at times like these.
I wake up late/low on energy, which is a sign of depression. I take time to try and figure out if I am, in fact, depressed. I look back on my moods and reactions over the past 24-48 hours, and acknowledge that, yes, Iâm probably depressed. I see how much time has passed. I get angry at myself, but donât have the energy to do much about it. I realize Iâm low on energy, which leads me to thinking about depression, which consumes more time, which makes me angry. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I want to share something with you Iâve learned over the years, through many mental and emotional up and downs. I used to think that depression was just a state of mind, something that could be dealt with and shaken off like a cold breeze or an old, dried-up skin from a snake.
Thatâs incorrect. Depression is not a state of mind. Depression is a disease.
It is a chronic, recurring, subversive condition. It doesnât necessarily have a root cause or origin, but it does have various triggers both obvious and unknown. Coping with it is not a simple matter of âcheering upâ, as nice as that would be. It can be managed with medication and the victim can take other steps to try and blunt its effects, from physical activity to social interactions to less healthy things like big piles of chocolate.
The worst part about it, though, is that itâs invisible.
Iâm not going to say itâs anything like other invisible, chronic conditions, like lupus or endometriosis. Depression does not cause physical pain or make physically demanding tasks more difficult in and of themselves. It does, however, have physical effects. The lack of energy is the most obvious one, but the mental state can also amplify physical problems like sore muscles or headaches.
You canât necessarily call in to your boss and say âI canât come into work today, Iâm depressed.â Due to a lack of education and understanding, a lot of employers will simply say âGet over it, get in here, and be productive.â The culture of employment in general and corporations in particular tie the worth of the individual into what they can produce, and a depressed person can be less productive than normal, which reflects badly on both the individual and their supervisors. Unsurprisingly, this can aggravate the depressive state and lead to another, insidious downward spiral.
Another aggravating factor is when the patient has bipolar disorder. With the awareness of this disorder and its swings comes a vague fear of it. Having gone through some pretty nasty swings myself, I know how quickly a hypomanic state can come over me, and how blind I can be to its negative effects and how it colors my perceptions of and interactions with others. So, when Iâm depressed, I know that itâs possible the opposite state can happen if Iâm not careful, which makes me afraid. Being vigilant of my mental and emotional state and trying to manage things in such a way that can forestall or completely prevent an extreme swing requires more mental energy and attention, which leads to me feeling drained, and see above for the end result of that little condition.
So how do I cope with it? Well, if youâve read this far, youâve helped me do just that.
While I donât believe you can just 'get over itâ as much as I did in my younger and more ignorant days, I still believe that talking about a problem helps a person deal with it. Itâs like an ancient magic in which you use the true name of something to alter, control, or destroy it. Itâs difficult enough to internalize and analyze oneâs feelings when the negative feedback loop is running at full capacity. Talking about it, especially with someone who is either trained in enabling the victim with coping mechanisms or someone who can actively and effectively sympathize, makes a huge difference in pulling you out of the miasma. I cannot overstate the difference that a good therapist and good friends have made in keeping me in this world.
Even writing about it helps, and while I donât enjoy having to put other work on hold to get some of this crap out of my system, itâs better to do that than let this fester. I may feel better soon, or later, or not at all, but I think putting these words down will help keep things from getting any worse.
I canât just stop the loop in its tracks. But with words like these, I can try and slow it down, hopefully to bring it to a gradual halt.
And I hope, if youâre reading this and going through something similar, that it helps you do that, too.
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
snowghoul
romaincrisis
