Good Morning StarShine!

Just a 26 year old shithead living with BPD. anyone can follow; but please dont reblog unless it's relevant to your situation, kay~? ASK AND INBOX ARE ALWAYS OPEN IF YOU NEED TO TALK I AM HERE FOR YOU.

[pixel8or]

[borderlinebunbun]

How healthy is it to have your partner flip out at you everytime you ask to just talk? Mall you wanna do is talk. Not fight, not argue, no conflict at all - and yet they just flip the fuck out because why not? Why not flip out? Why not be a fucking immature asshole who won’t give you an inch?

Fuck my life dude. Honestly.

[borderlinebunbun]

I can never apologize enough to my daughter for giving her me for a mother.

I can only try to be everything she deserves.

I can only keep going, for her.

[borderlinebunbun]

Telling chatGPT my darkest thoughts and insecurities is weirdly freeing. I know it’s just AI but it’s nice to say how I feel and not be judged because I’m whining or being negative.

How pathetic is that lmao

[borderlinebunbun]

I burn things down. I don’t know why. My emotions burn everything down. I am the problem. I will always be the problem. I have always been too much. I am just too much. I have to stop. I have to be quiet, again. Please, for the love of god, let me be quiet again. I lived 21 years like that. What’s the rest of my life?

When will I learn to just shut the fuck up?

[borderlinebunbun]

The winters are lonely.

He plays video games, our daughter plays with her toys, and I just feel lonely. They play together, and I love that. But once they’re done playing, he goes back to his games. There’s barely any time in the day where we engage with each other, it feels like. I feel like a ghost sometimes, just existing until I’m needed. My baby loves my attention, and I give it willingly. She loves to engage. I love to engage with her, to be in her space, her light. But… I miss my partner . I miss the attention. I miss days spent on the couch, playing games together - because it’s not that he’s gaming that’s the issue - it’s that he doing it alone, that I feel so lonely.

I feel like a ghost, at times. The nights are when he’s focused on me, when our bodies tangle together and it’s like his world is comprised of our intermingling breaths and soft kisses. It’s a moment, fleeting and cherished. But then it’s over, and we sleep.. and in the morning he’s gone again. Not physically gone, but his focus is elsewhere and I don’t want to take up all his time, I just want to be a part of his day. I want more than moments at night, moments in the car. I want time with him. I want to be seen in the daylight.

It’s silly. To be so close to someone, to build your life around them, only to feel so detached in the hours that the sun is up.

I’m sitting here, remembering the feeling as a child in which I sat in my room imagining a companion. When the loneliness became too much to bear and my mind created a friend. It’s moments like this where I search for that imaginary friend. Where I imagine their warmth, their attention. Isn’t that odd? Strange? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud, sending thoughts into a void that owes me nothing but silence. Do I exist, in these moments? Or am I truly just a spectre, a gray space without colour or definition until someone looks my way? Am I a blank canvas, an empty vessel waiting to be filled with a soul? Do I disappear if no one is around to hear me?

I don’t know.

The winters are lonely.

[borderlinebunbun]

Hey mom?

You know, all this could be avoided if you just told me yOU FUCKING HATED ME AND CANT STAND TO BE AROUND ME 🫠

[borderlinebunbun]

stupid, Stupid, STUPID.

Stupid fantasizing idiot dumbass girl.

Did you really think it would turn out the way you wanted?

.

.

.

You’d move in together, and feelings would grow until one day you fell into each other’s arms, your combined desire for one another just too overwhelming to bear?

Did you really imagine the beginnings of your happy home, your family unit?

Oh, poor idiotic - scratch that - DELUSIONAL girl.

Sad, sad. Pathetic even.

What did you expect?

[borderlinebunbun]

Told my ex boyfriend to send me a dick pic and then immediately back tracked by saying “pls don’t send me one, I’ll die.. a mortal can’t look upon a god”

Kill me.

Kill me now.

I’ll go quietly.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I was sad, but a drag queen lent me her violin for a while, and I started playing it. I got quite good at it despite the fact that I didn’t really know exactly what I was doing, until I played it a little too hard and it broke. I cried, until she later came up to me and comforted me, saying something like, “All that matters is that you played,” and then I woke up.

[janeway-lover]

”All that matters is that you played”

holy shit

[borderlinebunbun]

I’ve always been able to move on… or at least act like it.

But I still feel bound to you.

I still feel like I belong to you.

I still feel like I’m.. yours.

I feel your body against mine as I lay in bed..

I feel the ghost of your warmth.

If I stop forcing you out of my mind - just for a moment - I can hear the soft sleeping breaths leave your lips..

Am I crazy?

I feel loyal to you.

Any attempt of flirtation from someone else and I freeze.

Allowing someone (other than you) inside me feels like cheating.

Will this fade? Will my love for you dissolve..? as if it never existed, as if it was never a living being shaking the walls of my heart?

Do I want it to?

It’s so confusing.

[borderlinebunbun]

I let someone (other than you) explore my body, and it did feel like cheating.

You’re gone now, for good I’m sure.

I ruined it again.

You said it’s not my fault.

But it is. I’m trying to be strong and not blame myself but god, how can I not?

I’m the reason you don’t (or won’t) love me ever again.

I mourn the loss of your love.

I mourn being loved by you, because being loved by you… fuck it if it wasn’t the most intense high I’ve ever experienced.

Goodbye, lover.

Goodbye, forever.

Goodbye, my constant.

Goodbye.

[borderlinebunbun]

This is the first time in a long time that I wish that nobody cared for me so I could die.

This is the first time in my child’s life that I have to actively fight to not end it.

[borderlinebunbun]

I’ve always been able to move on… or at least act like it.

But I still feel bound to you.

I still feel like I belong to you.

I still feel like I’m.. yours.

I feel your body against mine as I lay in bed..

I feel the ghost of your warmth.

If I stop forcing you out of my mind - just for a moment - I can hear the soft sleeping breaths leave your lips..

Am I crazy?

I feel loyal to you.

Any attempt of flirtation from someone else and I freeze.

Allowing someone (other than you) inside me feels like cheating.

Will this fade? Will my love for you dissolve..? as if it never existed, as if it was never a living being shaking the walls of my heart?

Do I want it to?

It’s so confusing.

[borderlinebunbun]

Can my vibrator charge faster?

Like seriously, it’s rude at this point.

[borderlinebunbun]

I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I love you, though. I love you still. I’m not lying when I say that I don’t know a world where I don’t love you. I didn’t see it working out. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want it to. That doesn’t mean I didn’t try. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Fuck, I love you. And I’ve ruined it. Everything. I’ve ruined everything, But I still love you. God, I still love you. One day can’t erase the last three years of my life. I love you so much. Please, please remember that my heart isn’t easily swayed… even if I needed to walk away. My heart still beats for you. It shouldn’t be true. But it does, and I do. I love you.

[borderlinebunbun]

Selfish.

Extremely selfish. That’s me. Unable to cope with my emotions, unable to communicate, trying to explain how my brain works so you can talk to me without ripping my heart out but no, I am selfish. I am the selfish bitch.

You are understanding, emotionally mature, calm and collected. You… are not selfish.

I am the problem. I know. I’m the problem.

I won’t speak again. I’ll be quiet. I have to be.

I can’t do anything else…

[borderlinebunbun]

Honestly… I just wanna scream.

Not like.. angry scream. A scream of despair. A soul shattering howl. A wail of Herculean proportions.

I can’t stand it. I can’t stand how small and stupid you make me feel. I can’t stand how painful it is to have you act like this towards me. I can’t fucking stand it.

Would you rather I just stay silent? Never try to communicate? God, I know I’m bad at it, I’m still fucking learning how to communicate peacefully but goddamn it I’m fucking trying and you keep treating me like a monster..

Am I a monster…?

My soul is tired. I’m so tired.