botanicazilla @botanicaz1lla - Tumblr Blog

It is absolutely crazy how many opportunities will get handed to you if you just have good transcripts. Even if your whole life you've walked the line between tenuous stability and utter trainwreckery. Yet those same good grades don't translate to a whole fuck of a lot when it comes to the ability to successfully seize all of these opportunities and actually navigate through an adult existence without repeatedly self-destructing. LIke, look at me getting this prestigious teaching fellowship after spending the past 3 months unemployed and an integral part of my couch. And it's all because my undergrad transcript (mostly) was totally ridiculous (but has since gotten me absolutely nowhere in the success department).

"You will never find scientists leading armies into battle. You just won't. Especially not astrophysicists - we see the biggest picture there is. We understand how small we are in the cosmos. We understand how fragile and temporary our existence is here on Earth."

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

After six hours of battling Excel crashing repeatedly for no discernable reason (for me or IT), I got a report back from a client that was reviewed not by a human but by chatGPT. What the fuck? Most of the comments didn't make sense which just caused more work on our end that we just have to turn around and bill them for.

I'm out. ✌🏼️ Going to live in the fucking forest with no computers for the rest of my life.

Life is incredibly fucked up

I got off the benzos. I didn't have a choice. No seizures. Nothing very bad at all. So that's something.

Maybe really abused people just have to be alone. I genuinely feel that I'm awful and too much to handle. Deep down that's how I feel and ultimately that leads to acting crazy in relationships. I try to tell myself otherwise but that's how I truly feel. Most likely because I was yelled at by my dad nonstop until I moved out when I was 18. He STILL says there was something wrong with me from the time I was conceived. I don't know if I will ever really see myself the way people that think they love me do. No matter how hard I try. Abuse has been worked into the molecular structure of who I am. I'll always feel like a piece of shit. I hope I've been a better parent than my dad was. I hope I haven't tarnished my daughter's light. She was born so incredibly sweet and innocent and happy. I almost left her with her dad when she was 3 months old. But really I was too selfish and couldn't bear it although it may have been better for her.

Sobriety and Addiction

So my psychiatrist (just got a new one) is like a 25 year old (at most) fucking asshole straight outta grad school never done a drug in his life. He is an idiot. I just started seeing him in April. First thing he did was cut my lorazepam dose in half. Then this week he cut it in half again. It's only been 2 months and I've been on it since fall 2022. He wants me off it completely but said I could still get it for plane flights. I was like ok. Probably a good idea to get off. But then at my session Tuesday he pretended to forget that he said I could still get a prescription for plane flights after I wean off just like I used to from my old psychiatrist in Hawaii. I was like excuse me what the fuck did you just say???

I need a 420 friendly shrink that follows a harm reduction model not this guy. I've been "sober" for almost 13 years and I've tried out lots of forms of sobriety and total abstinence isn't for me. It actually puts me at a higher risk of suicide or just total insanity in my opinion.

Where do I find harm reduction / addiction specialist type psychiatrists? I need a shrink who is more progressive. I can't do total abstinence and weed doesn't make me feel ok. I literally never feel ok. I need to have moments where I feel ok and I only get that from benzos. I went 9 fuckin years raw dogging life with no break of inner peace. I think there are degrees and shades of grey when it comes to mental illness among addicts and I think some of us just can't ever find that inner peace that true AA success stories do. I never did.

Speaking of AA, I have so much shit to say to them but I don't want to ruin it for newcomers. Like my friend made me go "tell my story" when I got six years and even then I was moving away from the perfection model (in my mind). But now I'm living it, like I don't think I should go tell my story again at 13 years. It wouldn't be right since those stories are by definition AA success stories....not telling them there's another way. I don't have 13 years of AA sobriety anyway. I have 9. That's when I got a medical card. I don't even know what else I would have done those first 9 years tbh. But really... IS THERE another way than AA or am I just delusional and halfway addicted to benzos and my life is actually circling the drain?

#addiction #sobriety #harm reduction #aa

My not-AI face.

Well I'm not crying anymore. I got over that shit much faster than I would have expected 1 week ago.

I have so much crying inside me I feel like I can never get it all out. It's like an infinitely deep well of sad.

It's acceptable to get totally fucking stoned at 8 am on a work day when you're going through a breakup, right?

Asking for a friend

I don't want it to be morning again. I just want to still have the night ahead of me to sleep and not have to think.

Just a little pre-dinner 80s dancing.

But look at my beautiful baby. The only thing I've ever done in my entire fucking life that makes sense and means something.

My mental health is circling the fucking drain.

I love you Tumblr

When I'm freaking out and all my other social media is shut down, I still have my secret outlet over here.

I wish I'd posted more in the past 12 years though because it feels like I've been forgotten. Or maybe my old followers have also drifted away.

Having every single syllable that comes out of my mouth be scrutinized by a microscope is just..so..exhausting.

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