emotional parkour

borderline pd, social anxiety, depression, mental illness... we are not alone. [side blog, cannot follow back - sry]

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

Being in love tends to hurt more than it's worth.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

I wish things turned out different but I'm lost and home is no where.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

Today I am going to start packing my things to get rid of. Clean up my house. Take care of my debts. Make it easier on everyone for when I'm gone. I am alone, as I will always be. My presence has become a burden and I have become useless. My absence will be a relief to all.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

I am so miserable and nothing can help. I'm walking around in a fog... I'm too depressed and exhausted to even hurt myself. Completely hopeless.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

I'm really starting to feel like I can't function. Everything becomes an issue and I get so anxious I shut down then I can't move or speak and just think about how helpless I feel I hate it. These are the days that make me feel I need to go to the hospital and have them pump me full of medicine so I can just get through a couple days without having issues.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

Yup. It all makes sense now. Ha. Wow. Fuck you.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

Realizing I think I've been in mania or hypomania and am now crashing. The past few months I've hardly needed sleep. I would get up so early to work on projects or be social or productive, then stay up late doing whatever. I wrote pages and pages of brainstormed ideas for all sorts of topics in handfuls of notebooks, created so much art, picked up or heavily researched multiple new random hobbies I've never thought of or mentioned before. I was flying. Mind racing a million miles a minute. Talking so much and so fast I was stumbling over my words, could not help but interrupt people (I'm usually a fantastic listener and let others do most of the talking,) always had something to say, never wanted convos to end. I was so noisy and annoying, people around me even looked at me funny or told me to chill out. I couldn't. I kept making noises and singing and laughing and saying random senseless silly things. It was sooo fun but people couldn't keep up with me. I was also ridiculously irritable. I've admittedly been generally irritable as long as I can remember (anxiety, bpd, personality..) This was highly noticeable for me. I was negative, pessimistic and sometimes even mean about other people or situations. Extremely critical. It bothered me a lot. I got into many fights. I was very aggressive. Insulting my friends friends and causing a scene (which I was sure I was doing the right thing.) Picking apart people. Even more extreme feelings of being a know it all and feelings of moral superiority. Tried so hard to hold my tongue but the words just spit out of my mouth. I powered through on work stuff but built up some things and left them lingering. Also was so obsessed with filling my mind with as much knowledge and info as possible I told myself I didn't have time to work. There was so much else to do. I told myself I'm fucking brilliant and what was I thinking ever wasting my intelligence and talent, I need to be a fucking genius and the smartest person anyone knows. It was awesome I read so many books and learned so many things and felt on fire. I started to hate the people around me for not prioritizing the things I do. For not being good enough. I tried to find new friends but it was too hard with how busy I was keeping myself. I almost broke up with my partner more times than I can count. Many fights. I can guess I was likely manipulative. Spouting words rapidly, making little sense, being very controlling. I fell back in love with one of my exes (and got my heart broken again, had a breakdown, caused a rift in my friend group, then fell back in love) and went on a date with another. Everything was so fast and intense. I had the urge to drink and do drugs and I did and I never got hangovers. I joined a gym. I got a dog. I applied for a mortgage. I feel like I made up for the past year of wasted time in depression in a matter of months. And now it's all revealing itself to me and I'm exhausted. I need to be held and validated and kissed and caressed. I need to be told I'm understood and seen and I'm okay. I need someone to recognize how scary this is, to tell me they accept and love me for my intensity and know it's not always easy but I'm strong and magnificent even if I feel unstable. I'm slipping fast. I instantly fell into suicidal feelings and having to strongly fight the urge to self harm in any way possible. I desperately need someone to care, to truly care, to recognize the things I recognize in myself and acknowledge my brain and body work differently. Talk to me about it. Talk to me about mood swings and anger and pain and anxiety. Talk to me about self harm and destructive behavior and why we punish ourselves. Don't leave me to suffer alone again. It hurts so bad to be alone.

[c-ptsdofficial]

it is extremely rare for adults with bpd to have not shown symptoms in adolescence so saying that teenagers can’t have bpd is bullshit

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

I think bpd would only develop in adulthood if one experienced a trauma later in life. Otherwise yes absolutely I think all people with bpd typically have symptoms from a young age.

I think the main reason people hold off on accepting a diagnosis for teens or kids is the possibility of growing out of any mood disorders. The risky thing though is if adults or professionals ignore young people's symptoms in that hope, the personality disorder can continue developing and deepening.

Kids need to be taken seriously when it comes to mental health. I think the severity of a personality disorder and the struggle they bring could be lessened if kids felt their issues were validated. Just because someone is young doesn't make their pain any less real or difficult.

I'm so glad Tumblr exists for this exact reason. Community and support is crucial. It helps so much more to have peers you can relate to. Medical professionals so often just don't understand young people and it can be very detrimental. Young people *are valid.*

[outcastsuggestion]

im rotting no one notices but dear god im rotting my heart is numb and my motivation is dead

[envois-deactivated20190909]

* deep breath *

Quiet borderlines exist so you can stop equating bpd with someone who is eccentric and strongly reactive and also understand that the majority of the people struggling with bpd are introverts who, unless you are close enough with, do not appear mentally ill on the surface but are going through the same constant Hell™ whether or not you personally notice

[boygirlz]

intrusive thoughts are horrible

-what if u threw ur cat out the window on the 5th floor -what if u stuck a pencil in ur eye -think about brutally murdering friends/family -pedophilia -bestiality -rape -racial slurs -death

but there’s also like -what if u drank this glue -put the goldish in ur mouth -is fire really hot? -brick face

[hidingbehindasmiletosurvive-dea]

Why the crap is this me

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

I feel like I may also have bipolar because of the patterns of my highs and lows. Can anyone plz recommend blogs for bpd + bipolar? Struggling & feeling alone. Thx.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

It's been a year since I sliced up my arm and soaked in the bathtub after downing a handful of xanax with a bottle of wine. No one knows. No one asks me about my mental state. Ever. I am so afraid still. I am so alone. I learned saving yourself happens alone. This struggle will follow me til death. I can't fathom being this way forever. I still hate myself. Did I ever love myself? Facing the facts; I'm not better, I'm just manic. Mood is plunging. Head is spinning. What the fuck comes next.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

sigh

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

My life is spent fucking babying men. I'm sick of it. I'm over it. I fucking hate every man for taking advantage of me. I hate myself for not being strong enough to break the cycle. I am fucking powerful and brilliant and all men have ever done is steal my energy, use me for my light, eat away at my tender soul, perpetuate the rot. Men are a sickness. A disease. I need to eradicate myself from their contagion. Kill their hold before I kill myself. Release me from this prison. I am alone.

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

Who else experiences borderline symptoms sans being in depression? I escaped major depression a few months ago and of course I can't remember anything besides how I feel right now. Esp how I felt before the last round of depression began in fall of 2015. Esp how I felt before the round of mania began in fall of 2014. The past few months have been the first period of "normal" I can recall. But I assume bpd took that as a challenge. I woke up today from nightmares about my partner (bc IRL he didn't keep in touch well enough last night at all - 1 txt all night at 3:45 am.) Wanted to go out w friends for breakfast but remembered I left all my friends in fall of 2016 bc I split on the entire city. I feel so alone. I slipped into a dark place. I was by myself and had a few drinks instead of going out with the friends I don't have. My partner woke up and knew I was upset and I went off. I just went off. I've been frustrated w him for a while but I am drunk and have no real idea what I said. I tried so hard to be honest and make sense bc I hate seeming out of control I hate having the lower hand I hate being crazy. But I am sure I was mean. And now I feel way worse than I did. Now I'm thinking about wildly slashing my arms up and down. Now I'm thinking about slamming my fists into my skull. Now I'm thinking about drinking until I end up in the hospital. Now I'm thinking about binging on a bunch of food delivered and spending all the money I don't have with my credit card. Which one will it be. :(

[bpd-emotionalparkour]

This is the worst yet How The Fuck Did this happen