I want him but we're not right;

Need help? Message me! | BPD; Depression; Anxiety; Madd; 20; personal

[kitxo]

[xxanax-whore]

[brainpunkd]

it’s scary how when i think of the future my mind immediately jumps to “youre gonna kill yourself soon anyways so you dont have to worry about it”

[i-suck-sorry]

[hakuteeth]

me: I’m not bitter

narrator: she was bitter

[angelbambina]

[starshein]

Listen up. There is literally an app that can help you avoid self harm and I don’t know why we aren’t talking about it.

Calm Harm can be tailored to your needs and will provide strategies to help you get past those crucial moments of wanting to harm.

It’s also totally FREE.

once again, it’s called CALM HARM

[dotgrids]

[horriblebeing-deactivated201906]

[inkskinned]

do you ever just want to shout like… it’s because i’m sad! like yes i didn’t do my homework, yes i didn’t text you back, yes i’ve been hiding in my room! i know and i’m sorry! but i haven’t killed myself so honestly where is my badge!

[boygirlz]

intrusive thoughts are horrible

-what if u threw ur cat out the window on the 5th floor -what if u stuck a pencil in ur eye -think about brutally murdering friends/family -pedophilia -bestiality -rape -racial slurs -death

but there’s also like -what if u drank this glue -put the goldish in ur mouth -is fire really hot? -brick face

[hidingbehindasmiletosurvive-dea]

Why the crap is this me

[butchbellaswan]

who needs therapy when you can Realize™️ things about yourself alone at 1am

[irldragonite]

bad feelings

- the itch to check your notifications every few minutes - the twisting in your stomach when someone doesnt reply to your messages - intantly regretting an impulsive decision - the ache you feel when you feel like nothing will ever get better - the bone numbing exhaustion after doing the most minor tast

[divineyote-deactivated20151104]

Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing. 

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad  day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe  me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed. 

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative. 

[halsaey-blog]

me: *says something stupid*

me, every 5 seconds for the next 10 days: I Said Something Stupid I Said Something Stupid I Said Something S

[thunders29-deactivated20180809]

it’s so fucked up when my mood just drops totally, like.. not even slowly or in a transition, it just drops. i’ll never get used to it. it’s like my brain is yelling at me “be unhappy you piece of shit”

[jemcore]

I FUCKIN HATE BPD Y’ALL WHY CAN’T I JUST CONTROL MYSELF