Life through the perspective of a personality disorder.

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Life Approach/Goals

After all this time I’ve attempted to step away from my affiliation with thinking that a strong love relationship is my ultimate happiness (whereas for others it may be career success, adventuring/novel experiences, an active & large social circle, etc.), I can definitely say I’ve made progress, but sometimes it feels like that progress is just a result of tucking away this need, hiding it & ignoring it rather than actually moving away from it. And it’s in moments like these where I feel it’s edge the most. Where I imagine the hugs and cuddling I may be letting myself miss out on, and not for the benefit of my life. Although that’s always hard to say, right? All the books, people & advice channels say that a romantic relationship should not be the center point of your life. But I simply don’t get the same satisfaction from spending a lot of time deepening friendships, advancing my career, traveling, spending time with my dog, etc. What fulfils me is a deep connection, the literal ‘better half’. 

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State of Mind

I have a lot of time to reflect at the moment, due to the fact that I don’t have much to do at my job, so I can stay home or do other things during most of the day. I’m currently focusing a lot on the slight imbalance in my relationship, and a general lack of connection with my social contacts. I’m happy to say that there I have been able to grow my social circle over the last year, primarily through sports classes, but these relationships are relatively loose, amounting to only 1-2 meetings outside of sports classes per week. And this paired with a relationship that - happy as I am with it - does not make me feel particularly valued, supported or fulfilled at the moment. I’m learning to cope with my emotions, and it’s gotten better over the years, so I spend a lot of time self-soothing and redirecting my attention, most of all to sports and window shopping online, with emotional eating following suit in the background. 

There are two approaches I have to these thoughts. 1. Let it be, humans have not be used to constant stimulation, that is why these feelings of lack are arising - your life is enough. 2. By achievement of my business plan (which I am not directly acting on at the moment, due to location inconvenience & the need for further training), by changing job, by continuing to grow my social circle, by having a baby (in that order) I may yet achieve some sort of a state of personal fulfilment. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Successful Zero Waste Swaps

Successful zero waste swaps we have been using without exceptions for at least 1 year (which have not had any disadvantages compared to the previous solution):

washing powder from the bulk shop, collected using own jar 

no fabric softener

shampoo bar, collected using own container

3x soap bar (kitchen, bathroom, shower), partly collected using own container, partly paper wrapped

no new bags (plastic or otherwise) for groceries (neither for fresh produce, nor the groceries bags) 

no conditioner

no water bottles purchased (always using our stainless steel bottles)

menstrual cup (no pads, tampons)

all shoes bought second hand over last year

no vacuum cleaner bag

composting food scraps

Zero Waste swaps we use often, but not always:

buying foods at the bulk shop with our own containers 

using ‘cotton’ pads made from old linen napkins 

buying second hand clothes

What we can do more of without disadvantages:

buying foods at the bulk shop with our own containers

buying clothes second hand

only consuming loose leaf tea

only buying unpackaged bread

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Where is the calm?

I love change. I’ve been moving furniture around my room since I was 7 years old, the first time I dyed my hair I was 9, and I’ve lost count of the number of places and buildings I’ve lived in. 

So it’s good that things are changing. There’s been a lot of novelty recently: spending 3 months in the South of Germany, living with a stranger, changing jobs, getting to know my new team, coming to England for a month to take part in an intensive aerial acrobatics course with strangers, and now changing job (and company) again. 

However, this change has also come with some inhibitions and anxiety. Especially regarding the company change. I’ve had several sleepless nights over this, and the butterflies in my tummy have been far from at ease. Now I’m nervous about the amount of vacation days I’ll still be able to take this year (will I only get 1 week off over the next 10 months?) and having the meeting with my manager to discuss the unexpected resignation. 

It really is a pity that these topics preoccupy me to the extent they do. I would much prefer to remain present and enjoy what is going on: being on vacation and doing 6+ hours of training every day, with a team of like-minded people. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Newness

I’ve completed 7 out of 20 days of aerial/circus training. I tried out a lot of new things, including flying trapeze, Chinese pole, static trapeze, aerial straps & aerial rope. I like not being in an office all the time, but moving, and moving with people who don’t see moving as a chore. I’m getting to know myself better in this environment, being exposed to situations I’m not used to being exposed to. It’s also nice to be in a different country, noticing the little differences, like in advertising designs, the way people greet one another, the types of foods in a supermarket, prices, and so on. 

Then, in 4 weeks I’ll be going on a little skiing trip. I love skiing, but it’s been around 6 years since I last skied. 

I’m also changing job soon, which is exciting. I feel light. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

State of Float

I’m in my third month in my new job. Paying two rents, and mostly living in the countryside in winter, where it get darks in the afternoon, and I get a sense of being ‘stuck’ at home. 

I have a job application in progress at a company that’s dear to my heart (second interview is next week), and as it stands I’m not sure whether to stay in my current company, or switch. That causes some anxiety, but it’s manageable. 

In one month I will begin a 1-month long aerial & acrobatics course in a different country. Fulfilling a dream and taking my first ever vacation that is over 2 weeks long and away from home (wherever that has been). 

In just under 2 weeks I will move out of this second flat I’ve rented for my new role. Then I will spend the Christmas holidays with my family (2.5 weeks - it’s been a long time since I was home that long). Looking forward to an abundance of food, my dog, community, possibilities. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Minimalism: The 127 Things I Own

Disclaimers:

Living in a furnished rental apartment (i.e. do not need to own furniture)

Not counting food

Currently living in a different apartment for work (for a few months), my ‘home’ contains many, many more things than this (e.g. cutlery, etc.)

Books:

Book: “Chernobyl” by Serhii Plokhy (when done reading a book I sell it or give it away, so I only have 1 at a time)

Crosswords (I take the train for many hours alot)

2019 Journal (will not get one for next year - digital is enough)

Electronics:

IPhone charger 

Android phone 

Android charger 

Android charger (need to give one away)

Plug (for USB - i.e. charges phones)

MacBook (private device)

MacBook charger

Earphones (plug)

Earphones (bluetooth - need to give these away)

MacBook case

Bags:

Simple cotton shopping bag

Simple cotton shopping bag 

Fanny pack 

Backpack 

Laundry bag

Suitcase

Bike:

Bike

Bike lock

Bike bag

Bike 

Bike luggage rack

Helmet

Pump

Tyre repair kit

Tool to take out tyre

Front bike lamp

Back bike lamp

Batteries

Bike keys

Travel:

Headrest

Stainless steel bottle 

Winter gear:

Gloves 

Hat

Toiletries:

Towel 

Cosmetics bag

Toothbrush

Toothbrush charger

Toothpaste

Toothpaste

Brush

Mascara

Powder

Make up brush

Foundation

Foundation applicator 

Make up remover

Cotton pads

Deodourant 

Cup

Shampoo

Body wash

Nail scissors

Cream

Velvet scrunchie

Spiral scrunchie

Spiral scrunchie

Spiral scrunchie

Toothbrush head

Pincers

Face cream

Razor head

Other:

Pen

Pen

Aerial silk

Company access card

Zink

B12

Mushroom powder (Cordyceps)

Iron

Pill

Wallet

Money

ID card

Train card

Bank card

Sports clothes:

Leggings 

Long-sleeved top

 Pole shorts

Tank top

Sports bra

Pants:

Jeans (blue)

Jeans (black)

Black pants with ribbon

Black work pants

Jumpers & Coats:

Fleece 

Zip-up hoodie

Coat

Apricot sweater

Nightwear & Underwear:

Pyjama top

Pyjama bottom

Bra (OrganicBasics)

12x Underwear

8x Socks

Tops:

Silks button-up shirt

Checkered zip-up

Checkered

Grey t-shirt

Black turtle neck

Navy t-shirt

Silks t-shirt

Brown t-shirt

Black business top

Ketchup t-shirt

Dark blue turtle neck

Black tank 

Black velvet t-shirt

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Health & Sports

Over the last year I’ve found some of the right sports for me, and every day of the week I will attend 1-2 classes (aerial silks, bouldering, pole, yoga, stretching/contortion). These are my passions. And they’re also my escape when I’m feeling lonely or down for any other reason. 

On Thursday I found a hazelnut-sized lump above my belly button. It’s not visible, but by touching it I can feel it. It’s hard, and if I push into it, it hurts. The doctors did a UV, and they aren’t sure what it is. They’re sending me to a surgeon for a biopsy. I can still exercise (except for backbends) no problem, so that’s fine, but if it ends up being an umbilical hernia (which they think it is), I would need to get surgery, and then I wouldn’t be able to exercise for months afterwards. I cried. Of course I cried. All the hard work that has brought me to where I am now will be undone. And what will I do with all my free time? I don’t notice that I’m lonely when I spend so much time with people in classes. I don’t notice how unaccomplished my life feels, when I’m the only one in the class who manages to hang from the silks with one hand for a fair amount of time. I don’t notice how disappointed I am in the job I have chosen when I am about to drop head first from the silks. I’m scared to confront myself if I can’t do these things anymore. 

Also: now I’ve been living in a new city for 2 weeks, and there is much less to do here, and getting places is expensive, and I don’t know many people here. I’m unhappy with my job, and it feels as though things are accumulating. 

I think I need some time to figure out what I want. I’ve been scouring the internet for the right real estate option, so I can speed up my studio-dream, but it’s so hard to find a liveable place with 6m-high ceilings in a somewhat central location. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Back Down

It’s the middle of September. Weird. Usually it starts in October or November. Anyway, the point is: it’s started. I can’t quite say when, but definitely some time this week. I’d say Thursday. Today is Sunday.

I’ve had the urge to cry all day. Mostly I didn’t cry. I slept a lot. I don’t even know what exactly I want, or how it might get better. Of course I have this standard urge to receive undivided attention in the form of comfort. It’s always like this. I imagine the big hugs, the warm cuddles. I feel pain. And it’s not even real pain, like, grief, it feels mostly physical. That strange urge to cry all the time, to change things, to distract myself. I wonder why. And the worst part is: I’m 26 now, I thought it had all gone away by now. But here I am again. I just came out of a manic phase, and I’m holding on to the activities I performed then, but the determination is fading. In the end, I didn’t even go to yoga today, because I hoped that by not going, I might find what I’m really looking for. 

But I’ll never find what I’m really looking for. What I need is to learn to deal with myself. And I’m getting much better at that overall, but if you were to see the things the voices say to each other, you’d see things aren’t quite as rosy on the inside. Mostly it goes like this:

I feel anger (or some other emotion).

Voice 1: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Pull yourself together!

Voice 2: Shhh, no, no, that’s not what we meant, it’s ok, baby, it’s ok, it’s normal that you feel like this, let’s just sleep a little, and it will go away.

Then that same cycle repeats itself over and over again until something pulls me out of it or I fall asleep. 

I thought I was so happy, so satisfied, so far away from this haunted person I was. But now I see that it’s not like that at all. I still have these phases. I hate this. But more so: please, a big, big, hug. And when I think like that the tears come again. 

Unconditional love.

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Vision: Aerial Acrobatics, Yoga & Flexibility

I’ve been unlearning what I learned at school in sports classes, where I did remarkably badly in most disciplines. It’s true that I have little ball coordination, and that my cardiovascular system doesn’t ace sprints. But what’s also true is that I am far more felxible than the average female my age, and I’m also stronger than the average female my age. I have discipline and I don’t let failure stop me from trying again and again. 

I started doing yoga in 2017, which training for my first half-marathon. I got better and better with every class. In July 2018 I began doing aerial silks. I was not very good at all, but I stuck to it, going faithfully every week, and eventually increasing the amount of classes I took in 2019, enjoying ever moment. In September 2018 I subscribed to a membership that allows me to take part in all sorts of sports classes throughout the city. With this membership I began to take yoga more seriously, finding my favourite style (Jivamukti), attending 1-4 (this week I actually went 5 or 6 times) classes a week, and entertaining the idea of teaching. In May 2019 I tried a pole class, and ordered a pole for my apartment soon afterwards. Silks helps with pole, a pole is like a hard silk. 

I didn’t know what I wanted from my life. I never wanted children, I never wanted to work for a big corporation, and I don’t want to work for a start-up (unless it has a mission I can get behind fully). Now I’m starting to piece things together. My grandfather was qualified for the olympics in Rome, but in the end couldn’t compete due to an elbow injury. He also swam every day for over 40 years and cycled through Europe for weeks on end. My grandmother is black belt in karate and has a fiery passion for ballet and skiing. My sister has been doing vaulting for most of her childhood, loved all types of acrobatics and found aeria hoop a couple of years ago, performing occasionally since and teaching regularly. So where I’m going with this is: I think I’m genetically predisposed. 

Anyway, back to the vision: I want to open a studio. A studio offering classes in aerial silks, aerial hoop (if my sister is willing to teach), yoga, stretching & contortion, handbalancing... I wrote a 17-page business plan on Thursday. I want to save money. I need twice what I have to open a studio. I earned what I have now in 1.5 years. I need to get better at what I want to teach. Perhaps I can open a studio in 4 years. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Containment

It’s 10pm. I just got back from a yin yoga class. I’m in a frantic mode. Trying desperately to find something to do. I think I ate 6 peaches in a row. Then I took out the dark chocolate. I’m trying to find some event to go to. I feel desperate. And desperately misunderstood, in a world in which there must be an endless number of people who needn’t misunderstand me. I wish there were some meet up I could go to. If I weren’t going clubbing tomorrow I would go by myself now. It’s immature thinking I’m experiencing. I need to deal with my feelings, not search for distractions. It’s so hard right now. I feel like screaming or crying laughing uncontrollably. Terrible. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Checking In

I’m moving in just under 2 months. I’m enjoying relaxing work hours, and squeezing in 1-2 sports classes per day, often during work hours. I’m getting stronger and more flexible. I managed to hold a forearmstand. My handstands are improving. Press headstands are nothing to me now. My yoga flow is on point, my silks skills are improving, as is my pole work. 

The social situation is mediocre. I have two close friends who are keeping to themselves. I’m alone alot, but I’m also out of the house alot. I’ve naturally been doing intermittent fasting on weekdays. 

I’ve been having some trouble falling asleep and waking up in the morning. 

My relationship with my family members has improved slightly. but is still far from where I’d like it to be. 

My love relationship is slacking, with frequent mood swings. I don’t know whether I feel unsafe, or whether I just expect more. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Yesterday

We started the day by going to Holzmarkt with the dog. We had what I still believe is the best coffee in berlin, together with a chocolate oatmeal cookie and apricot cake. The sun was shining and it truly felt like summer. We bought cauliflour, tomatoes, peaches and apricots at the farmer’s market there, and the dog went for a little swim in the river.

Then we took our racing bikes out and cycled to Else, where there was a vintage clothing market. We had fantastic vegan dark chocolate ice cream (it was creamy, sweet, dark) and the vendor gave us a discounted price. We selected a hawaiian-style shirt. Then we cycled to Plänterwald, the dog running alongside. We stopped by a calisthenics playground on the island and I did my first ever full-length pull-up and chin-up. Success! Then we sat at the pier in the sun watching the little rental boats go by. 

Then we cycled further and stopped by the water again to play a game. 

We cycled back to Schlesisches Tor and went to a vegetarian restaurant/cafe that we hadn’t been to before. The dinner and dessert were very good. 

Then we took a nap at home and prepared to go to one of our favourite clubs. 

We were in before 10pm and just caught the last of the open-air in the rain and it was beautiful. I took an entire 2cb tablet and we had great night there dancing and laughing. Eventually we headed home and grabbed some fries from our local fries vendor and walked the dog by the beach. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

New Job

I got the job. They told me directly at the end of the interview. Then we had another call in the evening to discuss the location. Monday to Thursday I’ll be there, Fridays I can work from ‘home’. Means I’ll be paying for two rents and travel between the two. Not optimal. No silks there either. Not much regarding sports in general. I’ll take my racing bike, yoga mat, running shoes. I’ll hike. I can always change job again. Or leave. Up to me, right?

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. It’s been like this for two weeks. I don’t know why. Thinking about the new job situation makes it harder. Tried to follow my favourite night time meditation, had to turn it off after ten minutes.  

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Here We Are Again

If I get the job in the South, should I go for it? I feel insecure again, lonely. I make my own luck, sure, but it’s hard under these physical circumstances. 

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Bike Tour Packing List

Tent 

2x sleeping bags

4x underwear per person

2x socks per person 

2x water bottles 

Food 

1x jumper per person

1x jacket per person

2x portable charger

Food for Lulu

Bike gear: bike lights, bike bags, tire repair kit, pump

Other: keys, doggie bags, ID, money, sunglasses

Cosmetics

Optional: 

Camera

Cards

[bpdandeverythingelse]

Physical changes since diet change 2.5 years ago

Since I went vegan: 

Nails are hard, grow fast, and don’t break, no white spots (before they peeled off, had white spots, and broke all the time)

Skin has improved significantly

Hair gets oily after min. 3 days (previously within 24 hours)

More energy (less tired/lethargic)

More frequent and easy bowel movements

Haven’t gotten sick once in the last 3 years (previously sick 1 or 2 times a year)

No tartar on my teeth since 2.5 years (previously the dentist removed tartar every 6 months)

Better and easier sleep 

Healthier & thicker hair