Always Vaguing @bpdvaguing - Tumblr Blog

I literally cannot handle being so invisible it makes me so unstable but yet I'm just none existent to so many people I just can handle it.

Been gone forever but I found out I also have chronic persistent depression and severe anxiety like on the extreme end of the spectrum. So If people could start noticing me before I end it all that'd be fuxki g great.

I’ve been inactive for a long time. I mean I’m sure I will be again soon. But at the risk of not wanting specific people to see me post anywhere else. I’m just so attention hunger don’t get me started on the people I have crushes on talking to me in a text tone that I love. I’m about to act up. I’ve got self confidence now and I’m just trying not to over do it, but its hard I want their attention and I want them to love me.

yesbpdbabe-deactivated20210115

Me*drinking wine*: I’m not drunk really like lightly drunk

Me*spills wine on me and does the office camera look*: maybe I am drunker than I previously thought

#im still super coherent but uhhhhh definitly drunk #no ragerts #im writing but this was funn to me #im almost done with this bottle #ill go to bed then

uglyali3n

Self Sabotage is my middle name.

Me: yeah I’m pretty content on being alone for a while that relationship was pretty rough and I need to heal.

Me, but like 5 seconds later: I absolutely cannot be alone even if i cannot reciprocate emotions I need someone by my side to love me through this. I’m a baby and need constant validation and cuddles.

#im so bad at being alone because i just dont want to be #i want to be just like chill but i also want a relationship that starts as a friendship #were friends for like 2/3 years and then theyre like oh by the way im super in love with you #and i can like cry cause ive been in love with them for 2/3 years but i tried to get over it because i didnt want to ruin it #but then we get together and just cuddle and play games and do fun stuff together forever #were both ace so sex is just not a problem. i get to learn on them all the time #theyve like learned to catch me at any given moment #laps always open for me to sit it #preferably not too much taller than me just like a little but #im just living in a fantasy now but hnnnng why cant i find someone to love me like this

I don’t know how I’m ever going to find someone that matches my needs. I feel like finding someone who is ace is so fucking hard? And like you can’t expect me to recripacte romantic emotions ever. Like I’m probably Aromantic but I can’t tell because maybe it is I’m just getting out of something so bad. I just want someone who’s like a really good friend that sometimes I kiss but mostly it’s hand holding and me randomly leaning on them like just constant touch for reassurance. Like just someone who protects me but at night I get to be the big spoon. Does activities with me. Cosplays with me likes similar things to me or at least tries. Or you know just someone who cares about my huperfixations you don’t even have to be into it just enough to understand and care about what I say. I’m hurting.

#ignore this #im whiny because i cant be single for more than .2 seconds or i want death #i dont even want to date just a friend that maybe eventually we end up together #i just want something special #i want what everyone else has #im so fucking lonely

@my dysphoria chiiiiiiilllllll the fuck out. That’s all I hate my body and my height and my face. I want to lay in bed and just not exist.

#ignore me #its the SAD #and the depression #and the wrong body #i want to die tonight because maybe i could be the right person in the afterlife #im okay ill be fine tomorrow i just need to sleep i guess

Sometimes I don’t think I’m that gay, but then I see a hot guy and my brain short circuits. Like hello yes I am the gay love me back please.

#im not actually just gay i mean pretty much but #like i think girls a sweet and soft and lovely #but ughhhh i like guys so much more but im also trans #so its sooooo hard to date or anything especially sine #since im so apathetic and pretty ace most of the time #and im ugly so jot that down too #in conclusion #girls would be so much easier to like and date #but men are my vice and i hate that about me

Me*hasnt eaten my in the last like week*: I don’t know I just keep getting headaches

Also me*pouring my second glass of wine*: wow I feel so much better already.

#i want to just say i only drank wine cause i want to dance #and im too paranoid about my body because my dysphorias bad #and i cant really bind because if i do i literal cant do anything the next day because my ribs hurt so bad #and i just really want to learn this dance #they were small glass too but i probably shouldve just stuck sith one #*with one. i rest my case

vladtheunfollower

reblog if you’re barely tolerable

I cannot stress enough how uneffected by everything I act during the day only to be completely crushed When I’m alone with my thoughts. I am actually a sensetive crybaby don’t let me pretending to be tough fool you.

#im a sad dude #i just want people to like and care about me #cuddle me and give me affection but like in a friend way #im so lonely and my life is an absolute wreck

If I could you know. Learn how to talk to people and interact again that would be great. I literally have no social skills I hate my life

#i hate being autistic or whatever it is i am #they said i have a sensory thing and social communications disorded but like?? thats like some major autism components

.

#the good thing about being so far away from everyone #is i can literally ignore whoever i want #ive become a ghost in everyones life a cryptid if you will #i dont have the energy to deal with everyone bullshit #im real sad about isolating myself though