bacteria

low quality, low quantity because of mental illness. awkward, stupid, slightly evil ໒꒱ིྀ༝⁺ 18. any prounance. aroace.

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check out "White Lotus Detective Agency" by annaliese on RoyalRoad!!!

White Lotus Detective Agency | Royal Road

"I really need to read better Rofan, I swear to god. I'm not sure what's killing me faster, work or reading these crap novels all the time."

cover art done by yours truly <3

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women :p

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I m soooooooooo attblocked.... head hurtd

barely drew her. she's so pretty I should draw her again later . oc.

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HIII! I tried making a short scene to test my visual storytelling abilities!!

I'd like to hear some criticism :) (I specifically looking for adaptation, but drawing is appreciated too!!)

it took me 4 hours, so don't too closely on the art, as it meant ro be more of a colored sketch XD

here's my notes and the comic:

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I'm so disgustingly tired and overstressed.

I cannot even finish eating my cake!! I can only have it . THEY DON'T EVEN LET ME BE IN DILEMMAS ANYMORE!!!

last time I was near the train tracks there wasn't even a lever :(

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eyeballs <3

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TW: mental illness

I feel trapped inside myself. like I'm banging and banging on the bars, while exit exists and is reachable, but I'm just so used to mindless banging that I don't have energy to do anything else.

and I'm just sitting there, for a second trying to calm down and start figuring things out only for this wave of helplessness push me to just keep assaulting the bars, simultaneously treating them like home and a safe place. only 'cause it's the only thing I know.

I want to stop existing so badly. but I'm more scared of pain or getting paralyzed. I've already tried to od on random pills two times (first at 12 and then at 17) but just failing. even tho' I was so prepared to choke on vomit or suffer, but all I got is a mild headache. I was really longing to drop down from a 5 storey building since I was pre school age, but I'm forever scared of heights and don't trust the impact to finish the job for good.

I hate having adhd and ocd, and anxiety with trust issues(??). I never feel authentic when I'm having conversations with people and because of that cannot properly form a bond. I want to be real so bad, but I'm so scared of harming people or people harming me. I'm working super hard to fix this, but I'm defaulting to happy, inoffensive, energetic sunshine anytime I'm talking to someone long enough. I'm so scared of conflict and even when I'm "right" or supported by other people I just start feeling responsible for the other sides feelings, even if they "wronged" me in some way.

I'm so scared of being seen and judged. I'm scared that people I dislike can see me. I am scared that everyone will hate me once I stop putting in so much effort, and that everyone hates me despite of all the effort.

should I be bubbly??? should I just act with disinterest towards anything that overwhelms me? even if it matters so much to ppl around me?

I hate depression (without passion, tho). it's so mundane and just feels like a comfortable weighted blanket that got too hot, but letting in cold air will make me shiver for a minute, so I just tolerate the discomfort, even though I am hypersensitive.

I like many things, but I get discouraged so extremely easily that it practically doesn't matter. I am practically allergic to putting in effort, considering how nauseous and terrified it's making me.

my pshycotherapist wants me to go on antidepressants/anxiety control again (i ate them all in one go last year{plus everything else i had in a cabinet}, and after that was very reluctant on having drugs on me, but my parents weren't responsible enough to monitor my intake, so i just quit). I was supposed to go on some job interviews this week as a means to proof that I can self regulate well enough to function without medication. but I didn't do it. I coudn't do it. I got so scared and so uncomfortable, I barely left my home.

I really consider actually going through a psychiatrist to get a new prescription, but I also am so scared of it failing.

meds already failed me when I was in despair, even though I've taken them for 2 years without a fault. those didn't help me, then how can I see them as anything more than a money dump?

speaking of money dumps. I feel so indebted to the world. I feel like a bottomless pit. a black hole that consumes, consumes, consumes without giving anything back, and without a potential to give something back.

I am disgusted, but I cannot turn those feelings into energy for change. I feel that only reliable way to stop this is to terminate myself. and I know that this feeling is technically wrong, but it so hard to shake it off. it's so deep inside me, and so fundamental to my being that I just am this feeling.

technically I am suicidal, but I'm not actually planning to do anything so it's okay. don't worry.

it's just like seeing the injustice and not starting a revolution, but me not killing myself despite thinking that I should be dead. XD

I'll try to leave this up, as being honest in a moderately safe environment. lollll. trying my best.

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one of the male leads from "Dear Princess Adelia, I Have Stolen Your Harem" on webtoon canvas!!

I rarely draw men, so it's always a challenge XD

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behold, my otome isekai OCs

Spinache Grean and Bro Kolli Grean

they are the only children of the only two dukes of the empire. yes, the dukes are married.

they both want to inherit the other side of the family Rishch. (they have all the money).

they planned to kill each other and were actively plotting, but their dads lovingly hosted an intervention, informing them that they need two heirs alive, so instead there was a competition, who can be a better ruler for the territory.

Bro Kolli falls in love with commoner FL that teaches him to not care about money so much, and uphold people. in the meantime

Spinache falls in love with demonlord, who helps her to win every round and successfully succeed the Rishch duchy.

at first Bro Kolli was chill with it, but the commoner FL got revealed to be the lost empirial princess and she married the richest king of the empire. so now he adopts three children with the idea of raising the perfect money maker that brings the most green to the Grean duchy.

Spinache Rishche dies during childbirth of her black-haired red-eyed half-demon son.

after her death, Bro Kolli starts hating what was left of the Rishch family and he kills the demonlord and torments his son.

Bro Kolli's life ends at the hands of his three kids and his nephew, that betrayed him 'cause he was an evil POS.

tragic

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⋆｡𖦹°‧★

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YAAAAH. BEAUTIFUL LADY WITH APPLES.

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I drew those over last week, posting it now 'cause I deleted them from reddit. they were posted on OI subreddit :³

(first is my oc, second is an oc of u/ms_anthropic, and third is Karen Heyer, the FL of "The Resetting Lady ")

need to post something on here 𐔌՞ ܸ.ˬ.ܸ՞𐦯

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I love my rainbow brsh so much. everyone be happy to be lgbtqia+ yippee

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I dunno how to develop an artstyle, actually. there's so many techniques and so much beauty everywhere .... mrrrr. but I'm keeping on with this one for a while

(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

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:(