I AM THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN! @braindeadmegaphone - Tumblr Blog

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#unbreakable kimmy schmidt #quotes #television

marvel characters' fighting styles according to me

iron man: blow shit up

captain america: gymnastics + ultimate frisbee

hulk: break everything and yell a lot

thor: hammer ballet

black widow: death by thighs

hawkeye: increasingly cool arrow-shooting

scarlet witch: interpretive dance

quicksilver: just run them over

falcon: caw caw motherfuckers

winter soldier: never-ending weapons hoard + scowly duckface

war machine: machine gun shoulder + sheer level of cool

#marvel #truthy

#reddit #no context #internet

not-all-the-prayers

a serious show about serious people (who run the country) (part 3)

#gif #The West Wing

theglintoftherail

WHY ARE YOU LONELY: A TEXT GAME - Mallory Ortberg

WHY ARE YOU LONELY: CHOOSE ONE

FAILED TO NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS BORN OUT OF CONVENIENCE ONCE CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES REQUIRED ACTIVE PARTICIPATION FROM YOU

WATCHED NETFLIX FOR SEVEN HOURS INSTEAD OF SLEEPING BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN MISTAKEN INERTIA FOR REST

CONFUSED “SELF-CARE” WITH “SELF-INDULGENCE” AGAIN; YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING GENUINE REFRESHMENT OR RESTORATION BUT YOU DO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY AT NAIL SALONS

ONCE AGAIN CONFUSED “EMPATHY” FOR “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY” AND INVITED OTHERS TO UNLOAD THEIR EMOTIONAL BURDENS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST ENSURING RECIPROCITY, WHOOPS

ANTICIPATORILY BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR NOT CALLING YOU WITHOUT ONCE ASKING YOURSELF WHY YOU CAN’T CALL THEM

ASSUMING ANY TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU HAD TO INITIATE IS SOMEHOW LESS AUTHENTIC THAN REQUESTS FOR TIME SPENT TOGETHER THAT YOU ACCEPT

BELIEVE “PERIODICALLY EXPERIENCING THE HUMAN CONDITION” MEANS SOMETHING IS FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN WITHIN YOU

CONSTANTLY LIE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS THEN WONDER WHY YOU FEEL LIKE NO ONE KNOWS YOU

MISTAKENLY BELIEVE THAT NEGATIVE FEELINGS MUST BE MISTAKES EITHER TO BE AVOIDED OR FIXED RATHER THAN EXPERIENCED

DESIRE TO BE FULLY UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT THE CONCOMITANT WILLINGNESS TO FULLY EXPLAIN YOURSELF

BELIEVE TRYING AT SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SHOULD RESULT IN INSTANT PERFECTION AND FIND YOURSELF HORRIFIED AND ASHAMED OF MAKING REALISTIC PROGRESS

TRY COCONUT OIL

CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING

STILL JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU INSTEAD OF EXPRESSING YOUR DESIRES ALOUD

THINK YOU’RE BEING PLAYFUL BUT ACTUALLY YOU JUST GET MEAN WHEN YOU DRINK

SPEND ALL YOUR TIME SAYING THINGS LIKE “EITHER’S GOOD” OR “DOESN’T MATTER TO ME” WHEN IN FACT ONLY ONE THING IS GOOD AND IT DOES MATTER TO YOU BUT YOU THINK “NOT EXPRESSING A PREFERENCE” IS THE BEST PERSONALITY TRAIT YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHERS

PEOPLE ACTUALLY MORE AWARE OF YOUR BARELY-CONCEALED CONTEMPT FOR THEIR CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS THAN YOU THINK THEY ARE

NO GOOD REASON, SORRY

Mallory Ortberg plz stop laying my psyche bare for the world to see

I feel.. Attacked

the parks and rec writers should get together one last time to write a script for a 23 minute youtube review of the force awakens by ben wyatt

#Parks and Recreation #star wars

#chip zdarsky #reddit #EVEN AN ANDROID CAN CRY #marvel

carlosadama-deactivated20190526

Jon Hamm as Han Solo

braindeadmegaphone

FIFTY SHADES OF YES.

#jon hamm #star wars #snl

barton-no

because i was tagged by @onemoresoultothecall

1. what was the last movie you saw? … are we counting at the cinema, because that was Crimson Peak, if we’re counting last movie watched it would have to be Mission Impossible: Rouge Nation, blame @flowersandtealights , god knows I always do.

2. what was the last song you listened to? Rolling in the Roses- Borns I think? I listen to a lot of music at work,i occasionally can be caught chair dancing. I provide the library much entertainment.

3. what was the last show you watched? Jessica Jones! I’m not finished yet though.

4. what was the last book you read? that i finished? “ The Lake House” by Kate Morton but i’m currently reading “Wishing for Birds by @elisabethhewer ( everyone should read this)

5. what was the last thing you ate? Toast and half an apple.

6. if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? Hanging out with my nephew because he’s visiting and tiny and hilarious and it sure beats editing a chapter on “Characteristics and Production of Microbial Cultures”

7. if you could pick a decade to travel back to in time, what would it be? i don’t know. I really don’t, I’m not sure any time period is something I would revisit, well only if I could be sure I didn’t die in five minutes. Okay I would visit the dinosaurs, because Raptors.

8. if you won the lotto & millions in cash, what would be the first thing you would do? Student loans for me and a select few that I love ( you know who you are) and buy a place by that I mean a top secret island, invest/fund education programmes like the one we run at work for lower income kids and invest the rest safely, live off the interest or something. Oh yeah, buy Serenity for @braindeadmegaphone, because I am loyal Lyman never say I’m not.

9. which fictional character would you like to hang out with for a day? Mcu crew!

10. what was the last fandom you joined? Marvel i’don’t join many fandoms, I get intimidated, but I love them all.

i tag @sixth-light, @braindeadmegaphone, @flowersandtealights, @grimdarkfandango, @himalayanattackchicken, @birdhead and anyone else who feels like it.

braindeadmegaphone

Half-soberly responding to a post tagged by @barton-no

1. what was the last movie you saw?

Officially/in theaters? The Martian, which reminds me that I should no longer drunkenly respond to OkCupid messages.

2. what was the last song you listened to?

iTunes claims that it’s something by Bruce Springsteen, though I recall being on an Eddie Vedder binge recently.

3. what was the last show you watched?

Colbert.

4. what was the last book you read?

I am maybe 5 pages into the latest Jonathan Franzen and fell asleep because migraines are the worst.

5. what was the last thing you ate?

NACHOOOOOOS.

6. if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

Away from wherever I have to work. So... In a really sweet bar for the next year or so?

7. if you could pick a decade to travel back to in time, what would it be?

2019 (or 2020), or whenever we have a Captain Marvel movie. Or whenever Donald Trump isn’t running for president and women aren’t being paid less because they’re women. Then I realized that the question is about traveling BACKWARDS in time, so whoops. I’d like to be there when the very first Star Wars movie was released and Harrison Ford was 70s Harrison Ford.

8. if you won the lotto & millions in cash, what would be the first thing you would do?

Kidnap Pine for @barton-no (I mean, she did tag me in this silly thing), and then quit my job and bring in a fuckload of refugees just to piss of right-wing assholes.

9. which fictional character would you like to hang out with for a day?

.... Donald Trump?

10. what was the last fandom you joined?

I have no idea. Is there a Master of None fandom out there, or is that just a symptom that affects every millennial ever?

TV will never let you down.

#stephen colbert #Neil deGrasse Tyson #seth macfarlane #gif

noahwyles

zoewashburne

The Martian (2015) Dir. Ridley Scott.

braindeadmegaphone

Or as some of us would like to call it, ‘Fury Road II: Valhalla Gets Dominated by SHIT POTATOES’

#movies

tastefullyoffensive

by It’s the Tie

#lolarity #webcomic #Religion #dinosaurs

JRR Tolkien is a Time Traveler.

Because he clearly has an awareness of the future in order to write LOTR, just so that it can inspire Peter Jackson to cast Sean Bean in LOTR, AND for Andy Weir to write that LOTR joke into The Martian, which somehow prompted Ridley Scott to cast Ned Stark in the movie version. It is somehow Tolkein’s fault that I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO PRETTY MUCH DIED LAUGHING AT THAT REFERENCE IN THE THEATER.

BECAUSE I DID NOT RECOGNIZE SEAN BEAN UNTIL THAT POINT. BECAUSE HIS HEAD WAS ATTACHED TO HIS BODY.

#real life