Wild Mushrooms are Dangerous and Men Are Trash
Experts warn you not to eat wild mushrooms. Foraging for wild mushrooms is a hobby that millions of people all over the world partake in. They train to know what to pick, when, and even how.
If I tell you “Wild mushrooms are poisonous”, I am not being misleading, even though there are safe mushrooms. The truth is that if you don’t know the mushroom in question, the safe thing to do is assume it is poisonous, because many are and the consequences of being wrong can be fatal.
If I tell you that a part of town is dangerous, that is true even though most of the people in any part of town make it through the average night unharmed. Going into a bad part of town without knowing the layout and the culture increases your risk above that of the people who live there and know the cultural rules. Venturing into those situations, it is best to assume the worst for your own safety.
So, I’m preparing for the hate and the threats. I am sure that my point will be made so very well by the responses. Here goes:
Let me start by saying that the phrase “Some men are trash” is a useless one. Most serial killers and despots have been men, so there is no need to say “some”. Hell, some PBS employees are trash. Some unreasonable percentage of ministers are trash.
And I hope it is true that some men are not trash. Some men may have failed to learn or successfully unlearned all the cultural misogyny that we swim in. They may even be out there doing the hard work of helping other men unlearn it all. They might be the honest-to-gods Pegasus, welcome among the Amazons.
But, “Men are trash” is a hugely problematic statement. Not for the reasons that will be yelled at me in all caps.
It’s not problematic because it is wrong or inappropriate. It is problematic because it is true where the truth hurts.
The statement “Men are Trash” is problematic because the world we live in is still dominated by men.
You are in the middle of that neighborhood shouting to the world that there are thieves and murderers all around. You make yourself a target by voicing your discontent. Men are in charge of the companies, the law enforcement, and the cultural touchstones. And they hate being called out. They hate being “lumped together” even when they are very much in the category of Trash themselves.
Now, there are almost always worse men, and that’s usually brought up pretty quickly. “I’m not perfect, but I don’t...” followed by something that is most likely a war crime but also something some guy they know is guilty of. These are the kind of people who say to the suffering, “At least you don’t live in...” and then list a place that the speaker honestly seems to admire for how the dominant group maintains their control. Certainly, there are degrees of how bad a person or situation is. That is not to say that a situation isn’t bad just because it is easy to imagine it being worse. That’s childish and counter productive.
To insist that we say “Some men” though, leaves these people an out, because they know they aren’t the worst kind of man and generally assume that they are pretty average, and probably a little better than most. They think that puts them on the other side, no extra work required. Saying “some” lets them off the hook, whether they deserve it or not.
I don’t claim to be a feminist or to speak for feminists. My friends call me a feminist, and I am very proud of that. I do get things wrong. I am still working on my own crap and since I am not woman, there are things I may never understand completely. I am not speaking for women here. I am speaking to men. We’ve got a problem.
I grew up with boys and even grown men telling me that I am not a “real man” for liking to cook, enjoying theater and musicals, and not giving a damn about sports. It wasn’t enough to call me a nerd; some questioned my identity and gender. They were threatened by my inclusion in their club. They were just as wrong as those saying “No real man...” does terrible things to women.
Honestly, there are times when I want to swear off manhood. I’m a work-from-home dad. My wife makes most of the money for the house. I’m a nurturer and encourager. People now suggest, lovingly, that maybe I’m not a man and I don’t have to cling to the label. Non-binary friends have told me that they can see in me some of what they feel, and I can appreciate that.
But, I am a man. I was raised a man, and I have worked to make peace with being atypical but no less a man. I have embraced that I need to battle toxic masculinity. I need to point out that soft-spoken artist Bob Ross was a drill sergeant. I need to point out that Terry Crews is an outspoken abuse victim. I need to upturn how people think about “Being Manly” because what we’ve been doing for at least the last hundred years isn’t working. I feel called to be one of the men who helps shift how we think of masculinity. Additionally, I know I still have my own issues, bad habits, and lingering misconceptions. I don’t deserve to be let free of the work.
I am a man, and some days, I’m trash. Admitting you have a problem is part of overcoming it.
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