lil bean

24 | she/her | occasionally *NSFW* mostly screaming into the void

[briansjustagirl]

on the drive home I couldn't tell you what she had said what she had written or what I had written what she said about her feelings or her wishes for our connection going forward

It was a beautiful day, the sun shined through her apartment and across her table in a way I had never seen before and as I left she was playful in a way I could only relate to that first night

I loved her and couldn't yet process that she did not love me romantically

[briansjustagirl]

fumbled the bag so hard, I literally should’ve done nothing

[briansjustagirl]

never hard to love

lost to understand that unmet reflection they saw so well

lingers with shame lingers observation seeking oneself in remnant image

[briansjustagirl]

Yes here are my children Zerojoo, Onejee, Twojee, Threejee, and Fourjee

[briansjustagirl]

letting go and holding on from crystalline lies and wretched wants

stepping stone toes and eggshells across still fighting the sickness

of wanting to fall

[briansjustagirl]

still fighting for a purpose like I can seek and find the piece of me you would like in kind

bury deeper still this part each year constructing crossroads breaking truths in every line

[briansjustagirl]

Don’t listen to science, you can stare at the sun

[briansjustagirl]

4th gear chonk 😮‍💨

[briansjustagirl]

2 mo into One Piece and I am assaulted by the fact that I have watched 15 yrs of content..

[briansjustagirl]

your visage is splattered across ceiling and psyche I cannot turn back you are not behind me

you may yet forgive me my devotion has not left but it will not please you too know I looked back

[briansjustagirl]

Machining chips look so tasty

[briansjustagirl]

Words cannot describe

How grateful I am

For her compassion

[briansjustagirl]

update! My dad asked me if I wanted to change my name (we love to see the care/thought/curiosity)

because it would make the pronouns easier for him to 'get' (oh fuck, abort abort..)

And without listening to anything I had to say, he finished the convo with "just something to think about" (new shame unlocked)

[briansjustagirl]

I stay up kneed agony dough crop circles, our carpet nowhere to go

honesty, lies proof in our bed answers never reaching orbit, my head

I am loved resent half baked hold only both their pull, my fate

[briansjustagirl]

Binging one piece is so funny cuz they will forget people from like 3 weeks ago, but it’s actually been 8 years of runtime 😂

[briansjustagirl]

And maybe I wanted more shot it far and missed the mark but you don't get to know my heart my inner thoughts my little spots

I carry you like an instrument broke your heart from within and you still stand tall and proud your past a scar upon my brow

For in this life I'll find that 'more' I'll choose it till wood bedded door and don't assume that I speak to you you say it like its nothing new

All my life was meant for me my feelings- are mine to plea letting go of the fighting chance still knowing- that you like to dance

So come up, tears of your thought for your family, and your hardstops fill cavities, trace unmade bonds, build bridges to- my broken thoughts

For I don't feel their weight at all they pour into my sweetened heart show me the path to lead with love no pity, grudge or selfish blood

For I am not my broken parts I am what follows sunken cost the memories are mine to lose I keep them safe inside my heart

[briansjustagirl]

✨ that one lab tech that never listens to me when I say their system hasn’t updated my information and proceeds to shove it in my face asking to confirm that it’s me before continuing ✨