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Self-destruction

To be honest,

Your love was a trap

And the only way to escape

Was to self-destruct

And so I did

So I’m genuinely happy about things right now and still sad about how tragic the ending was. But I won’t deny the part that I’m pissed at how the situation was handled by those involved AND the uninvolved. Since I’m spilling all my emotions in here, might as well rant as well.

These events are not unprecedented no matter what The Uninvolved Ones say. It’s written all over history. Unfortunately, this particular incident was publicized because of lack of prudence and forward thinking of The Involved One. Naturally, the entire workplace knows.

At first, I told myself emotions got ahead of matters and no one can be blamed for this leak, or rather, gush of information. But then again, there’s such a thing as self-preservation. No, this isn’t an issue about the opinions of The Uninvolved Ones. It’s an issue of self-respect. The events that transpired are bad enough - I still take blame. However, the collateral damage could have been contained.

Ugh. It’s much too late to repair reputations that were flushed down the drain.

In any case, I’ll stick to my old motto (Hayley’s arm tattoo): Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.

Now that I’m slowly climbing out of the deepest darkest shithole I dug myself into, i’m beginning to tell my friends and relatives the news and sparing them the details. It’s awkward enough when people keep asking about that person and all I can answer is “I don’t know.”

The funny part is, they’re all consoling and everything. Don’t get me wrong though, I love them so much for that. But in reality, I’m starting to feel happy. The Void is barely there anymore.

In any case, the light is just around the corner. The Moon shines through this darkness.

🌙

Today was a wonderful day. I wasn’t fake happy. I was REAL happy.

Lord, I’m trusting all this is part of Your plan. I don’t want to mess it up so I will be patient.

My pop just talked to me about the situation. I know I should be receptive to advise but in all honesty, the guilt and self-blame just returned. I’m already in the process of getting past those and though I’m far from over it, he had to pull me back.

I know I have to filter his words but I shouldn’t be stubborn like I’ve always been. The one thing I did pick up is this:

The Heart has reasons that Reason cannot understand.

I’m surprised at the few who did hear me out and understood. But they are the exception rather than the rule. I don’t have to keep explaining myself.

In relation to my previous post

I’ve gotten so used to the idea of the future I planned to have: get married after fellowship, train in Singapore for a year, have a kid when I’m 30 or 31. My life has always had direction. It was this certainty that made it so difficult to let go and do what had to be done.

Now that that’s over, I feel like I’m at a standstill. I’m actually having a quarterlife crisis. The farthest I can see for now is next week when I have my interview for fellowship. Subsequent to that is not too clear yet because I may or may not get in the program (I am praying so hard to be accepted).

Assuming I do get in, that’s two years of training, then what? I still would want to push thru with my training abroad. When and where does the getting-married-and-having-kids bit come in? I have been having an internal panic attack the entire afternoon being in this family reunion where all my cousins are starting their families. I’m not getting any younger.

But then again, I shouldn’t rush. Everything in His time.

I’m a bit calmer now after writing his out.

I got in for prefellowship interview! I won’t let the fear of The Enemies tarnish in anyway this excitement I have. In no way am I spoiling this happiness right now.

I am grateful for everything I have. I’m a step closer to my dream.

coffee-and-quotes

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.”

— James Baldwin, Conversations with James Baldwin

This new perspective is so refreshing. It feels right. Nothing final yet, but it feels right. I love my siblings and the support they give me.

Yesterday, I spent the whole afternoon with my sister-in-law and I’m seeing this situation in a whole new light. She is so viciously loyal. Despite me being in the wrong, she made me see past my guilt and mistakes and gave me a new found strength.

I kept trying to find peace, and I did with prayer. The guilt still kept coming back and I relapsed several times. The dementors hovered over me again. When I said I couldn’t conjure my patronus because the happiest thoughts brought in more dementors, I wasn’t being honest to myself. There were happy thoughts after all but I denied myself of them because I thought they were wrong.

But thanks to my sister-in-law, I saw this differently. The circumstances may have been wrong but what if I was truly happy during those times? In this time of self-examination, I shouldn’t be denying myself of this possibility whether it be certain or not. I still cannot tell for now.

I’ve been caught up in the guilt that I shunned other possible truths that I should be reflecting on. I kept trying to forgive myself to find peace but I never really started to do so because I‘ve been waiting for forgiveness from the one I hurt. If this went on, I might have made the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons again.

I haven’t found answers and nothing is final yet. But I believe God spoke to me thru my sister-in-law to help me see the whole picture. Love is a tricky thing, that’s why I’ve been so cynical about it. I don’t want to be anymore and I want to get this right.

Self-forgiving starts now. It won’t be easy but it has to happen before any closure. It’s all for the best. I trust in His plans.

I’m so tired. I was so sleepy last night but I couldn’t sleep til about an hour. I woke up way too early and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Now, I’m just so tired and my mind is on overdrive.

I’m done with my entrance exam and I met up with a friend who filled me in on the situation at the hospital right now.

Basically, my reputation is down the drain. I have become this two-faced liar who is so sweet and studious on the outside and the complete opposite on the inside - a wolf in sheep’s clothing as one of the people who used to love me put it. The worst part is I can’t even defend myself because my most sincere words are being twisted and are being used against me. I have been ostracized.

I want to take my fellowship there but I have to bear the consequences of my mistakes. I have to gather up all the strength I have. Prayers, family and true friends.

I still can’t believe I’m in this situation.

andlifemovesonn

Today was the first day in two weeks I didn’t shed a tear. There were few moments when I felt a wave coming but I was able to keep it down. Prayers help loads. I hope tomorrow will be good as well.

——

Whatever the future holds, whether or not you will be there with me, I still want you to believe me when I say I truly am sorry for what I did to you. The memory of you crying on my bed is and will forever be seared in my mind and stabbed in my heart. Causing such pain, when there could have been a bit less, will remain my biggest regret.

It’s sad and painful to know that the people who once loved you can give up on you so easily after one mistake. But then again, who can blame them when the mistake was so huge that it tore us apart?

In all honesty, despite all this negativity, I don’t want to give up on myself. I don’t believe that I am a lost cause. I refuse to believe that the monster that I have turned into cannot be burned with fire. I will rise up again from this, a different person - the one I want to be, the one I really am.

As for these people who once loved me, I don’t know if they ever will learn to love me again. And it’s still sad and painful.

The nights and early mornings are the hardest when I feel The Void in my chest. The emptiness encircles me. It’s when the dementors are the closest. I can’t conjure my patronus because the happiest memories bring even more dementors in.

I woke up at least twice last night and The Void ached all over my body. This morning, it was still there, but a little less than usual. I still haven’t found closure but that will have to wait.

The most important immediate goal right now is my Endo Fellowship entrance exam. I can’t mess up my chances of getting in. I HAVE TO get in. I WILL get in.

I’m drawing strength from my pillars that were here all along and never left: my family, my batchmates, my friends who stayed, and most importantly, the One whom I’ve been putting aside for the longest time but now I place in the center of my life, my Father.

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