I'm an American living in Scotland, and this is an archive of food reviews formerly written for GirlAlive.com, recording my reactions to British food back when I first moved here from the US. And maybe some other stuff about British food.
Hi there! How's the weather in Britain? I've been wondering if you've tried Bird's custard? I hear it's supposed to be good. If you have what are your opinions on it?
Iâm up in the central belt of Scotland and the weather is awful. All the buses are shut down and everything. Thereâs some danger that the neighbours will resort to cannibalism, but I think Iâve got enough food in the house.
I donât think Iâve had the powdered Birdâs custard really. Mostly from laziness. You can buy it pre-mixed in cartons and thereâs no chance of it turning out lumpy or weird. But I have had the pre-mixed Birdâs brand, and it is pretty good. By American standards, itâs a little like vanilla pudding, but not as thick.
How do Americans survive without sausage rolls and Ribena?
Okay, so I have some opinions on this list.
Yes. Cadburyâs is better than any American chocolate. After 10 years here, I understand the face British people make when you feed them Hersheyâs.
Meh. Blackcurrant is overrated. Too much sugar.
When I first moved here, I loved Jaffa Cakes. Now I like them, but they donât excite me much.
Irn Bru is still the best. Well, Diet Irn Bru. (I donât like sugary drinks because they make my teeth feel weird.)
Iâve eaten black pudding twice. The first time, just to try it. The second time because the full Scottish breakfast we ordered was really overpriced, so I wasnât going to leave any of it behind. Iâm not really a fan. Tastes like chewy congealed blood.Â
No.Â
YES.Â
Idk. My mom and dad fell in love with Branston pickle when they were here, and they found some when they got home in the world foods section of a Cub Foods, in northern Minnesota, so I have some compelling evidence that you can get it in the US.
Frazzles are good. Iâm not sure there is anything just like them in the US. I canât say Iâd specifically miss them, but sure.
Nope. Sorry. British bacon is okay, but you canât get it all crunchy and perfect without it getting super dry and horrible. And the fat usually doesnât render properly, so thereâs a chewy flabby bit. Just, no. American bacon is superior. Fight me.
No argument on this one. Crumpets are amazing.
Imagine the mouth-wrecking hyper-crunchiness of Capân Crunch, with the flavor of a vinegary onion.Â
First one on the list I have never tried. But they do look nice. I like British gummy/marshmallow hybrid candies, so they probably are good.
Nah. Not my thing. Itâs very sour and doesnât taste as brown as it looks.
OH GOD NO. Theyâre like a pretzel that has been briefly shoved up someoneâs ass and then basted in pure distilled sadness and misery.
Itâs Fresca with too much sugar.
Yeah. I would actually miss prawn cocktail crisps. I donât like prawns, but I still love these.
Theyâre okay. Better with ketchup.
Overrated. Not even quite a mouthful of chocolate with toys that are usually just plain weird.
This is a thing that Iâm pretty sure is fairly uniquely British. Itâs a fruit and barley drink. I donât know why it has barley in it.
This is a variety of what are known as âdiluting juiceâ or âcut-down juiceâ or âsquashâ or who knows how many other phrases. Itâs a juice concentrate that you mix with water.  The British donât have frozen fruit juice concentrate and they donât have Kool-Ade, so this kind of thing is what British kids drink. They donât all have barley.
The one Iâm drinking is the pictured summer fruits and barley flavor. Â It tastes primarily of vaguely red fruit. Probably a lot of strawberry. It also has a little aftertaste of artificial sweetener. Itâs not bad. I mean, itâs a bit better than plain water.
Madeira cake is a sponge cake in traditional English cookery. The cake has a firm yet light texture. It is eaten with tea or (occasionally) for breakfast and is traditionally flavoured with lemon. Dating back to an original recipe in the 18th or 19th century, Madeira cake is similar to a pound cake or yellow cake. (x)
Do you have any insight into the comparisons and contrasts of English biscuits and American cookies? My understanding used to be that they were pretty similar, but after watching GBBO, I realize that's not always the case. It seems like biscuits are almost always thin and crispy, and sometimes (depending on flavoring) comparable to American crackers.
In my experience, British biscuits are always dry, hard and some level of crunchy.  You donât get any that are chewy or âsoft-bakedâ.  (There are a few exceptions like fig rolls and Jaffa Cakes, but those are most often viewed as small cakes rather than true biscuits.)  And they do indeed consider crackers to be âsavoury biscuits.â Like, thatâs literally the heading you have to look under when youâre grocery shopping online. Crackers are pretty much just a sub-heading in the larger biscuit category.
I mean, the origin of the word âbiscuitâ means âtwice bakedâ like biscotti.  So even though British biscuits are not always literally baked twice, they have the dry and crunchy qualities of something that is thoroughly baked. If I were giving points for staying true to the origin of the word, the British would win the right to the word âbiscuitâ over the American usage.
Contrary to popular belief, there are things sold in Britain as âcookiesâ too.  But they are always directly American-influenced.  They sell chewy chocolate chip cookies and oatmeal cookies in bakery sections of grocery stores, and they are often labelled cookies in order to distinguish that they are not âproperâ British biscuits.  Chocolate chip cookies, even though most of them are the hard biscuity British type, are usually labelled âcookiesâ.  And Oreos are often labelled âcookiesâ even though they are very similar in structure to British biscuits like Bourbons and Custard Creams. Oreos get the cookie label just because theyâre American.
Contestent: so I hand crafted this delicate cake out of pixie dreams and sugared unicorn tears, and I cried a bit when a millimetre crumbled off, but I carefully constructed this life-size version of the Eiffel Tower.
Paul: rightio, let's see if it tastes good.
Paul: *BREAKS THE CAKE IN HALF WITH HIS BARE HAND, THEN CRUMBLES ITS REMAINS*
British tv cooking competitions: held in a large tent in the middle of a field, the host is a lesbian comedian and the judge is an adorable 80 year old woman, everything is a terrible pun, all the contestants are friends and cry when someone is eliminated
US tv cooking competitions: the set is a barely-lit dungeon, no one smiles in the entire series, rock/screamo musical intro, every sentence is emphasised with a cymbal crash, everyone hates each other especially the judges, at least one contestant is introduced holding a gun
Japanese people try Marmite for the first time...and it certainly got a reaction. Is the Japanese market ready for Marmite? *GET SPEAKING WITH A JAPANESE PER...
Some japanese people taste a taditional british breakfast food called Marmite. Itâs very salty and bitter, and is usually an aquired taste even amoung the british.
Ahh haggis. What more can I say about this oft maligned and under appreciated dish. It was only when I visited Scotland that I really got to appreciate how delicious it is. Making a haggis from scratch has been on my bucket list for a long time and it was during a recent Eurovision party that I decided to give it a go. So how was it? Read on Dear Reader...
