Here is the link to my previous masterlist. You can find TWD, SPN and various other works on there.
Anytime - you get injured on a mission and Bucky feels guilty
Night Bruises - you get caught in the midst of one of Bucky's nightmares
Those Three Words - Bucky’s nightmares don’t always stay at night, but you clean him up after a mission and are determined to bring him back to the light
Red (18+) - Bucky loves the color red on you
Haunted Eyes - playing the role of Bucky's handler, the guil eats you alive
Steady Mind - The Winter Soldier identifies you as his handler
Echos and Convergent - you lose your memory in a painfully familiar way to Bucky and the recovery process
Summary: Bucky's worst nightmare comes true. You come back to him after taking a turn in Hydra's electric chair.
Warnings: mentions of canon level violence. Memory loss.
A/N: Probably the longest fic I've posted to date. Send me ideas!!
Read part two here: Convergent
There are very few things in his life that Bucky holds near and dear to his heart. His backpack of possessions, including a notebook of scattered memories and pamphlets from the Smithsonian, his dog tags that were returned to him after his pardon, Steve; his best friend in the universe, and you.
The word girlfriend doesn’t even begin to describe what you mean to him. What started out as shy romantic intentions has blossomed into what one would not dare to call codependency; but an unyielding show of love that has kept you both out of the madhouse.
You’re his partner in everything, sparring, ping pong tournaments, missions and most importantly in life. It is rare to find one of you without the other.
So when he watched in horror as you, gagged, handcuffed and unconscious, were stuffed into the trunk of a car and all he could was watch. His body was temporarily paralyzed by electrical cattle prods, the enemy left him laying in the wet gravel and took you instead.
He tried to yell, to call out but all that could come out of his mouth was a weak moan. He watched in horror as the car peeled out of the parking lot, spraying gravel and taking his heart with them.
It wasn’t until Steve found him a few minutes later and through awful gasps in his voice, that he explained what happened. Steve had him sit, pushed his head between his knees until he was breathing evenly again. He promised his best friend that he would find you.
It took a month to even figure out a possible location of where the car could have taken you. A month of sleepless nights, intense meetings and trying to keep his hopes up as search and rescue missions turned up empty. Bucky could barely step foot in the bedroom you shared with him without feeling like he got sucker punched in the gut, doubling over with yearning and guilt.
It didn’t help his hopes that he insisted on going on every search and rescue operation. Clearing warehouses, abandoned Hydra facilities only to go home to an empty bed where the nightmares of his past found him.
The day that he found you will forever be seared in his scarred memory. A Hydra base, his head pounding with what he thought was déjà vu but was probably former memories trying to find the correct keyhole in his mind.
Together, him and Natasha cleared rooms in effective silence. They’ve done this countless times over the course of the month. Both of your best friends wouldn’t stop until they found you.
“Barnes, we got a heat signature in the next room,” she murmured, pressing the small earpiece. Most likely getting the information from Sam and Redwing. “There’s no way to tell who it is.”
He nodded, staring at the heavy duty door in front of him. His mind was already calculating the best way to access whoever was inside. Should he hit it with the arm? Shoot a few bullets into the lock?
Natasha reached over and tried the handle, finding it unlocked with only a shrug of her shoulders; she forged ahead.
Bucky blinked, regaining his senses. He followed Nat into the room only to stop suddenly in his steps.
He had been in this room before, many times in fact. He knew that because of the chair, the electrodes attached, the metal tables and equipment scattered around the room. This is where they wiped his memories.
So when he saw you slumped in the chair, his heart stopped.
“No,” he whispered, surging forward. He dropped his weapon, sinking to his knees in front of you. “Y/N?”
You looked asleep, knees pulled up to your chest, too thin arms wrapped around your shins, head pressed towards your lap.
“Y/N, Doll,” he whispered, reaching out to lay a hand on your arm. As soon as you felt his touch, you jolted as if he was the one who had been administering the electricity. You raised your head quickly, scooting back as far as you could in the chair, arms gripping the arm rest. Fear had blown your eyes wide, staring into the face of your long-term boyfriend.
Bucky’s stomach twisted, from your reaction, from the blood drying in splotches on your face, from the burn marks pressed into your temples.
“Hey, you’re okay,” he tried reaching out again, but you shifted farther away. “It’s okay.”
He turned to look back at Nat, who was radioing to the team that you had been located and to send in a medical team.
“Y/N,” he whispered, a sinking feeling in his stomach. “We’re going to get you home.”
You were shaking, fear still in your eyes as you continued to blanch at him. Bucky watched your whole body tremble violently, a question he didn’t want to ask on the tip of his tongue.
“Y/N, do you know who I am?” His voice was soft, understanding.
You shook your head, pressing yourself as far back in the leather chair as you could. Nat approached slowly, making your eyes flicker over to her, Bucky could see your pulse beating wildly in your neck.
“Nat, let’s give her some space,” Bucky whispered, rising on shaky legs. He turned away from you, pressing his flesh hand over his eyes to hide the tears prickling in his tear ducts.
Nat took a step back, pressing her hand into Bucky’s shoulder but keeping an eye on you. You had shrunk into yourself again, curled up into a ball and shivering against the dark leather.
“This isn’t your fault, Barnes,” Nat murmured to him as he struggled to keep his composure. “She’s going to be alright.”
He took a deep shuddering breath and straightened his shoulders. Nat looked over at him once more before stepping into the hallway to lead the medical team in.
Bucky turned to look at you, you were watching him with wide, careful eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he shook his head. “I’ll never hurt you.”
Your eyes were skeptical, body language extremely closed off. You had never once looked at him like this in your life and it felt like someone had punched through his chest and ripped out his heart.
You screamed when the medical team got close to you, a horrible, blood curdling scream that Bucky had only heard one other time in his life. Sam and Nat had to hold Bucky back as they pressed a needle to your arm full of enough sedatives to knock out a super soldier. You slumped in the chair soon after, eyes closed, lashes brushing against bruised skin.
“Let me carry her,” Bucky said firmly as the medical team prepped to transfer you to a gurney. “Please.”
Reluctantly, they let Bucky scoop you up in his arms and led the way back to the sunlight. He cradled you close to his chest, concern ripping through his chest at how light you felt, bones and joints instead of plush flesh he usually felt.
In the Quinjet, he laid you down on the gurney and took a step back to let the medics work. He didn’t stray very far, hovering over shoulders, trying to stay out of the way as they assessed you for injuries.
Nat eventually grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to a seat, handing him a bottle of water. He dropped his head into his hands and tried to focus on taking deep breaths.
You didn’t remember him. You didn’t remember anyone. Hydra wiped your memory like they did his.
When the landing gear touched the tarmac, Nat held him back as the medical team rushed you to the infirmary. Sam squeezed his shoulder before brushing past him, following you into the building.
“Barnes, you gotta listen to me,” Nat spoke in a firm voice. “She’s going to be confused when she wakes up. She’s not going to remember a whole lot. You gotta get her to trust you.”
“Nat, they… they…” he trailed off, eyes faraway.
“I know,” she nodded. “We’re going to get her back, it’s just going to take some time.”
He nodded, bending his head to wipe his eyes. The redhead pulled him in for a hug, patting his back over the layers of Kevlar he wore. She pulled away, he schooled his features into a little emotion as possible before heading down the ramp to find you.
It was some hours later before you finally woke. You had been cleared of any major physical injuries, just some minor cuts and bruises; everyone’s main concern was the mental damage that Hydra had done.
Bucky hadn’t left your side since you had been admitted, still in his tac suit, sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair that had been shoved next to your bed. Your hand looked so small in his, knuckles carrying fading bruises that made him smile knowing you didn’t go easily.
Despite the sedation, you weren’t sleeping easily. Shifting and mumbling in your sleep, expression pinched into an unpleasant expression Bucky has only seen once in a blue moon.
He watched your eyes flutter open, hazy and confused; most likely from the amount of drugs being filtered through your IV.
“Hey Doll,” he murmured, setting your hand gently on the sheets covering your legs. “Welcome back.”
Your eyes attempted to concentrate on him, blinking and shaking your head to try and getting the lens of your eye to focus. When they did, panic pumped through your veins and you jerked away from him.
“It’s okay,” he said in a gentle voice. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Your eyes scanned the room in a hazy sweep, taking in the medical equipment and the different environment. You scrambled away, throwing your legs over the side of the bed and pressing yourself into the corner; tripping over the legs of medical equipment and various cords.
“S-stay away,” you stammered, holding out your hands in front of me. “I can’t do it anymore.”
Bucky didn’t move from his spot in the car, despite his heart pounding in his chest. “Y/N, I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Please,” the whimper broke his heart. “Please, I want to go home.”
“Where’s home, Honey?” He asked, tilting his head at you, trying to hide the hurt in his voice.
You faltered, confused by his question. The wheels started spinning in your mind when you realized what you had said; the uncertainty on how to answer sent your head spinning.
The door opened, a team of medical professionals entered which sent you sideways again. Bucky locked eyes with Dr. Cho as she held a syringe loaded with sedative.
“No,” you sobbed. “No, please!”
“Y/N, this will just help you sleep,” Cho moved forward with the needle, cap still on.
Bucky stood as you started to scream, the same as when you were found. An ear splitting shriek that turned his stomach.
You were extremely combative, taking the entire staff to restrain you as Cho administered another fast acting sedative. They tucked your limp form back into bed, fixed your IV and other external monitors before leaving.
A hand on his shoulder startled him, he turned to find Sam standing behind him. He gave the soldier a sympathetic smile before handing him a backpack full of fresh clothes and toiletries.
“Get changed, she’s not going to remember you smelling like that,” Sam tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
When you slept, Bucky let himself hold your hand. He’d press your knuckles to his lips, fighting back tears as he remembers the confusion and panic that comes with memory loss.
You wake a few more times, less confused each time as your surroundings stay consistent. Including the big bulky man sitting in the chair beside your bed.
“Who are you?” You whispered, staring up at the ceiling.
Bucky blinked his tired eyes open, setting your hand back down on the bed from where he had it pressed against his cheek.
“My name is Bucky.”
“Why do you stay?” Your voice was weak.
He bit his lip, holding back a response that might confuse or overwhelm you. “Because I understand.”
“What do you mean?” You swiped a hand across your damp eyes, trying to focus on his face.
“What they did to you, they did to me too,” he whispered. Without thinking, he reached out to the bandages on your temples, where the electrodes had zapped you without enough voltage to burn your skin; and wipe your memories.
As he leaned close to you, you were able to focus on his face. A headache formed behind your eyes, making you squeeze your eyes shut and press your hand to the bridge of your nose.
“What is it?” He pulled his hand back, cursing internally for forgetting himself.
“My head,” you gasp, sitting up. “It hurts.”
“I know,” the soldier nodded sadly. He still gets that same headache sometimes, when he can feel the memory rattling around inside his brain but it doesn’t know how to file it. “It will pass.”
You let him rub your back as you sit with your head between your knees. He allows himself to enjoy pressing his palm between your shoulder blades, pretending that this is any other day and you remember all the love he has given.
Eventually, you raise your head and look sideways at him, cheek resting on your forearms. “They’ve done this to you?”
He nodded, placing his hand back in his lap.
“I’m sorry,” your eyes water again.
“It’s okay, it was a long time ago.” He murmured, then after a breath twists his fingers together. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
You lay back down, covering yourself up with the thin blankets. “’s not your fault, Bucky.”
He blinks back tears as you drift off to sleep.
Eventually Nat strong-armed Bucky into taking his place for a while, she sat in his chair while he went upstairs with instructions to shower and eat before coming back down.
After throwing together a quick sandwich to eat and downing a bottle of water, he finds himself in the bedroom you share.
It hasn’t looked the same in the month you’ve been gone. He’s tried to keep it neat, but it’s losing it’s touch. The way you fold a knit blanket over the end of the bed, the multiple drink cups that clutter the bedside table, the messy bookcase you continuously arrange and rearrange based on an order inside your mind.
The shower is too hot, but it keeps his mind off you. His skin is bright red and raw by the time he turns the water off, wrapping a towel around his waist.
The closet brings a tidal wave of emotions he wasn’t expecting. He realizes that you might want some clothes of your own, that might help you feel home in the echo that is your mind.
After getting dressed, he picks out a few pairs of clothes for you. Some of your favorite comfortable clothes, a worn t-shirt, a stretchy pair of leggings, slipper socks in case your feet get cold. He packed them up in a tote bag with some local bookstore’s logo printed across the front and slung it over his metal shoulder.
When he returns, Nat is talking to you in a soft voice that trails off when he steps through the door. He tries to smile at you, but you turn to hide your face in the hospital pillow. He feels as if someone has reached inside his chest and squeezed his heart in a vice grip.
“I brought you some clothes,” he set the tote down on the end of your bed.
You waited until he backed away before reaching into the bag. He watched as you tentatively reached into the bag and pulled out the t-shirt out. With a start, he realized that it was once his. A SHIELD-issue grey t-shirt, he had somehow ripped a hole in the sleeve and had retired it to the back of the closet. You picked it up out of the laundry and claimed it as your own.
You closed your eyes, pressing the fabric of the shirt to your sheet, turning your nose into the collar to breathe in the scent. His heart stuttered.
“This is mine,” you murmured, making him crack a smile.
“It is, Sweetheart,” he breathed.
Nat squeezed his shoulder before making her exit. He moved without noise to sit in the chair, resting his forearms on his knees.
You moved carefully off the bed toward the small en-suite bathroom with the bag in your arms. Fearful eyes caught Bucky’s, making him sit up straight.
“What is it, Sweetheart?” He tried to keep his voice calm.
“Can… can you keep watch?” Your voice trembled and his heart broke.
He nodded, standing up to follow you in the direction of the bathroom. You slid the door shut, but kept it open just a crack. Bucky put his back to the door, remembering the feeling all too well.
The vulnerability Hydra forces out of you is something he is still working to break. You never want to turn your back, to undress, to be unguarded in case they made their next move.
When the door opens next, you seem a little less on edge. Dressed in the grey t-shirt and a pair of dark leggings, you almost look like who he once knew.
You tuck yourself back into bed, pulling your knees up to your chest. Bucky settled back into the chair, scrubbing a hand across his eyes.
“Bucky?” You ask so softly, he’s not sure he heard you at first.
He lifted his head, smiling at you. “Yeah, Honey?”
“I told you I wanted to go home,” your voice shook, picking at the seam of the fuzzy socks.
He nodded.
“And… and I didn’t know where home is,” your voice cracked and his heart splinter even further.
He nodded, trying his hardest not to speak in order for you to continue.
“Can you show me where home is?” Tears were in your eyes now, chin wobbling with the effort to contain it.
“Of course, Honey,” he nodded. “You wanna go right now?”
You nodded.
He stood up and held out his hand to you, you took it to help you off the bed. You had been unhooked from all your monitors earlier in the day so there was nothing to worry about with the nurses.
Physically you were fine, but he was still holding out hope that your memory would return. You never lost hope with his recovery, he could only offer you the same curtesy.
He felt already better with your hand in his, leading you out of the infirmary and into the elevator. You don’t let go of his hand in the enclosed space, in fact stepping closer as the floor rises.
Bucky fights the urge to hook his arm over your shoulder, tug you in close against his chest. You’re standing in his space, leaning on his ability to protect you from whatever comes through the door.
You’re quiet as the doors open, eyes quickly taking in your new surroundings. Bucky tugs on your hand, leading you out into the space you’ve shared with him for quite some time now.
“I live here?” You whisper, taking in the foyer and kitchen area. Too many shoes scattered by the door, umbrella leaning against the linen closet door. A whiteboard calendar holding onto the drywall for dear life with two command strips and a thumbtack.
“You do,” Bucky confirms, toeing off his shoes and leaving them by the door. “Are you hungry? I can make you something.”
You shake your head, which concerns him because you haven’t exactly eaten since you returned. You go into the kitchen anyway, leaving Bucky behind in the foyer; he mourns the loss of your hand.
He finds you staring at the mug left by the coffee maker. You had left it there that morning you disappeared, drank half before running out the door. He looked around the messy kitchen and feels a hint of shame that he should have cleaned up before bringing you in.
You press your hand to your eyes, the way you do when your brain is lost. You grip the edge of the counter, he moves quickly to your side.
“It’s all familiar,” you grit your teeth through the pain. “But I can’t… I can’t…”
“It’s okay,” he sooths a hand over your shoulder blades. “Don’t push it. It will come back.”
From the kitchen, you wander into the living room like an echo of your former self. Bucky watches from the doorway, letting you take your time.
A paper back novel placed face down on the coffee table. Slippers, half jammed under the couch from where he had carried you to bed per your pleading request. A half-drunk mug of tea, the contents separated and half evaporated that makes you wrinkle your nose as you peer inside.
Your fingers dance over the knitted throw that is draped over the back of the sofa. Countless hours you’ve spent with it thrown over your lap, pulled up to your chin or pressed under your cheek.
Bucky follows you in silence, never wanting to overstep, to allow you to remember the comfort of your own home at your own pace.
Your eye catches the framed picture beside the tv. You shuffle forward, maneuvering around the furniture with ease despite your eyes being focused ahead.
The picture is one of your favorites. A beach trip sometime last year, the two of you huddled around the bonfire Sam built, a blanket draped over your shoulders. Bucky’s first big smile he allowed others to see, rather than just you. The smile could be contributed to the burnt marshmallow on the end of the roasting stick, how he warned you to just keep it by the coals.
You reached out and rested your fingers on the glass of the thrifted frame, he remembers when you found it in a hidden thrift shop somewhere in the city. He dutifully carried all the bags for you, loaded with hidden treasures.
“You and I…?” You murmured, wrapping your arms around yourself. When he didn’t respond, you glanced over your shoulder at him.
He nodded slowly, avoiding your eye contact by hovering his gaze over your shoulder.
Your expression wavered; taking a hesitant step toward him. “I’m sorry, Bucky. This must be so hard for you.”
He didn’t speak, just swallowed hard and watched your socked feet approach. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Another slow step forward, keeping your arms wrapped around yourself. Chipped nails digging into the bare skin of your under arm.
“Anything look familiar?” He asked, mirroring your posture.
You press your palm between your eyes, unsure if it hurts or maybe thinking it will help you remember. “A little, maybe.”
“C’mere, let’s try this,” he tried to smile, but you watched the sadness return to his eyes. It set an uncomfortable feeling in your chest, you felt like you needed to do something to change that.
You reached out and slipped your hand into his, he stopped in surprise before smiling down at you. Better.
He led you down the hallway, past the spare bedroom, the half bath that you spent Memorial Day weekend completely redecorating.
Pushing open the bedroom door, you’re hit with a tidal wave of emotions. The rumpled duvet cover, squashed pillows, Bucky’s pillow always has half the pillow case on no matter how many times you fix it.
Your soldier pauses in the doorway as you walk the perimeter of the room. Pausing at each framed picture, art you purchased from the little gallery in Brooklyn that you fell in love with, the tiffany lamp you begged Bucky to come with you to pick up that was found on Facebook marketplace.
You picked up a tube of Carmex chapstick that lay on the crowded bedside table, smiling. “I love it in here.”
Bucky smiled sadly, from this angle he couldn’t see the awful healing burn wounds on your head and he could pretend this is any other day.
“You put a lot of time into making this place a home,” he offered, voice gentle.
Your fingertips traced the duvet, moving as you sat down, head hurting again. You winced, squeezing your eyes shut.
Bucky was quick, kneeling in front of you, his hands went to your hips before he could stop himself.
Twisted over in pain, you pressed your forehead to Bucky’s, eyes still shut. “Bucky I want to remember… I… I.”
He shushed you softly, curling his hands around your waist, bringing you closer. “It’s okay, Doll. They’ll come back, I promise.”
You straightened up and wiped your eyes. Bucky took his hands away which brought a feeling to you that you couldn’t categorize. “Can we do something normal? Something I would usually do?”
He smiled, scooting back with a nod. “Sure, Honey. We can do that.”
Bucky told you to get comfortable under the covers while he disappeared into the kitchen for a few minutes. You pulled back the duvet and settled back against the pillows, looking around the room while you waited. Although you were alone for a few moments, you still felt at ease in this environment.
He returned with two mugs, both filled to the brim with steaming tea of your favorite brew. Handing one to you, he squatted down in front of the bookshelf and found your favorite book. It took him a moment to locate it, you had some down time the week before you disappeared and rearranged it again.
Climbing into bed next to you, he watched as you flipped open the cover and smiled at your handwriting in the corner of the title page. He took a cautious sip from his mug and set it his bedside table.
He hadn’t pick up his own book since you disappeared from his life for a month. So it took him a moment to reorient himself in the chapter and what was happening.
He watched you start to get absorbed into the book, eventually you leaned over and rested your head on his shoulder; curling your knees in toward him. Just how you always do.
He blinked tears out of his eyes, watching the words on the page grow blurry. Despite the missing memories, you were mirroring your own self unconsciously. Every once in a while, he would see echos, proof that you were still there and would come back to him.
Hydra thought they could wipe you away completely, erase the person you once were. They had failed once again, you would come back to him just as the two of you always do.
When Bucky finds something of yours, he hopes against hope that you feel the same way about him.
Enhanced!Fem!Reader
Happy Birthday | @/literaryavenger
It's your birthday and the only person who doesn't seem to be excited about it is you
jealousy, jealousy | @auroralwriting
bucky hates when his girl has to flirt with the enemy
Knock You Down a Peg or Two | @navybrat817
Someone learns the hard way that it's a bad idea to upset Bucky's wife.
Not Exactly a Secret | @/navybrat817
You and Bucky are really good teammates... and more.
Don't Look or Touch | @/navybrat817
Bucky isn't having a good day and John suffers the consequences.
Blurb | @sunskisser
tell me you love me | @raven-dor
The Soldier and His Mission | @magical-reid
When a trigger sends Bucky back into the grip of the Winter Soldier, he shadows you with an unyielding protectiveness that leaves the team on edge, though he doesn't harm anyone. After days of tension and careful steps, Bucky finally breaks through the icy barrier, returning to himself in a quiet, tender moment, finding solace in your presence.
Boulevard Confessions | @elixirfromthestars
Being a third wheel to Peggy and Steve wasn't your ideal Thursday night fun. However, when they tell you Bucky is tagging along you eagerly decide to join them. That is until a third party makes its presence known.
By The Warmth Of The Oven | @/elixirfromthestars
You are baking cookies for the Avengers holiday party when a certain super solider comes into the kitchen tipsy for the first time...
Once Upon A December | @anonymityisfunwriter
Haunted Eyes | @brokenbarnes
Based on the Episode “The Power Broker” from the Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Zemo is offering the Winter Soldier to Selby for payment, but the reader plays his handler.
Echos | @/brokenbarnes
Bucky's worst nightmare comes true. You come back to him after taking a turn in Hydra's electric chair.
Smitten | @aquaticmercy
Sam finally meets Bucky’s girlfriend, though you’re not who he thinks you are.
Small Circles | @/aquaticmercy
Bucky Barnes is still getting used to modern dating… and hates that you have to work with your exes.
Have We Met Before? | @/aquaticmercy
America Chavez says that you and Bucky are together in every universe.
The Catalyst | @/aquaticmercy
In this universe, you and Bucky are happy. In other universes, it might not be that simple.
Interstate Love Song | @/aquaticmercy
Bucky tells the team he saw his Hydra days in The Void. You are the only one who knows him well enough to know he is lying.
friendly banter | @wwinterwitch
sam asks for your help on a mission. you're reunited with him, Joaquín and Bucky. the last one really likes to banter. you think it's just a friendly exchange. it's actually a bit more than that
How To Impress a 21st Century Girl. | @brunchable
Sam had forced Bucky to use Tinder to solve his abysmal love life. Bucky tells himself that if third time isn't a charm, he will officially give up trying to find a partner.
𝙄 𝘿𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙒𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙇𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝘽𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙁𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙 Part Two | @/brunchable
Bucky can't decide if the universe loves him or hates him. Maybe it loves to hate him. Maybe it's mischievous. Because he’s in love. He’s madly, deeply, painfully in love with a girl that he knows he’ll never have. Because the heavens created arguably the most perfect creature in their repertoire, dangled you in front of him for his entire life, and chose to rip you away before he had the chance to tell you how he felt.
Everything's Just Perfect | @ama3003
You're Bucky's ex-wife and you always seem to be there whenever he needs you.
Bucky vs Bucky | @buckyalpine
Imagine time travel going wrong again and instead of 1 Bucky you have 2; one from the present and also one from the 40′s standing on the platform with him.
Come back to you | @/buckyalpine
What happens when a time travel mission ends up with a version of Bucky from the 40′s standing on the time travel platform.
40s Sergeant Barnes with a nurse!reader | @/buckyalpine
blurred lines | @ellemj
When choosing a female agent to send back in time to gain young Sergeant Barnes's trust, everyone's in agreement that it should be Sharon. Until Bucky, the man that you barely get along with, speaks up and lets everyone know that it could only be you.
Against the Rules | @/ellemj
Bucky's trying to fuck you senseless so you'll have to sleep over. Isn't that how a friends with benefits situation is supposed to work?
I Hate You | @/ellemj
y/n has these weird mind powers where she can feel others feelings or make others feel hers...she accidentally during a very heated fun time projects everything she is feeling to Bucky, basically doubling his pleasure
a soldier's solace Pt 02 | @daystarpoet
Bucky has kept his marriage secret for three years now. He always intended to keep it that way. That was until a mission went sideways, and he found himself having to resort to the one person he swore to protect.
charming boy out of time | @/daystarpoet
Bucky Barnes never fell off that train, instead, he joined Steve Rogers in his attempt to take down HYDRA. They both emerged seventy years later, in the 2010s. The tale of the two times Bucky failed to charm you, and the one time he almost succeeded.
Buckyvision Masterlist | @mrsbarnesblog
when Bucky comes back from a mission with a knife wound there is only one person who can convince him to get help
Next Door to Love | @jobean12-blog
When you made the move to the city you never expected your new neighbor to be so sweet and helpful...or hot.
Everything You Want | @/jobean12-blog
there’s no one you trust more than your husband and he always knows exactly what you want.
Stuck in the Middle | @helaintoloki
you come home from work to find the last person on earth you want to see cooking dinner in your kitchen
Somethin’ Stupid part two | @/helaintoloki
a drunken confession spoils a perfectly good evening
Everybody Loves Somebody | @/helaintoloki
Thrown into a blind date against his will, Bucky does his best to prepare in the days leading up to Saturday night, a feat that proves to be much more difficult than expected thanks to his neighbor across the hall.
40s!bucky | @/helaintoloki
after accidentally sending yourself back in time, you run into a younger version of the man you loathe only to find yourself questioning your feelings for him
A Favor | @/helaintoloki
you pretend to be Bucky’s girlfriend in order to help his campaign despite your very real feelings for him
Misunderstanding | @/helaintoloki
you accept Bucky’s invitation to attend Tony’s charity gala as his date, but your night quickly turns sour when you find out about his bet with Natasha
A Kiss To Change Everything | @marvelwitchergilmore
When Bucky becomes the Winter Soldier again, he follows you around. Only you. Funny thing is, you and Bucky aren't exactly friends. So why is the Winter Soldier protecting you?
Winter's Child | @/marvelwitchergilmore
You and your daughter live across the hall from Bucky. However, one night when your daughter won't settle, you turn to him for help.
What If?... | @vunblr
Bucky navigates his insecurities and guilt from his past as he grows closer to his new neighbor, a nurse.
Arm Pat | @skaye44
You go on a date with Bucky and hit it off, or so you think, but it ends weirdly. Nat steps in and gets other agents involved to send you flowers and gifts to get Bucky's attention and make him jealous for screwing up.
Meet my Family | @/skaye44
Your parents want to meet your boyfriend Bucky which you agree, but the whole family invites itself along for the meeting.
begin again. | @sergeantbuckybarnes
When you go to meet your friend at her work you see a cute guy had been stood up, so you’re going to be the best date of his life.
everything i wanted | @/sergeantbuckybarnes
Bucky asks you to pick Rebecca from school, as you spend the day with her, you can’t help to think that this is what you want, for the rest of your life.
Amnesia | @/sergeantbuckybarnes
During a fight in Madripoor you get hit in the head resulting in forgetting the last ten years of your life. And most important, your boyfriend.
Loverboy | @thevillainswhore
Bucky, a lovesick, pining super soldier, vows to keep his feelings for you a secret — no matter how obvious his crush may seem. Those plans are ruined between a meddling Sam, an embarrassing fall, and a visit to the medbay with you.
you or nothing | @feathersandferns
when the Thunderbolts enter the void, Bucky goes missing. You take it upon yourself to find him, venturing into his deepest pockets of his shame.
congressman!bucky x fem!reader | @bruisedboys
Voicemails to an Unmanned Inbox | @pellucid-constellations
When Bucky takes an argument a little too far, you take off. All he wants is for you to come back home.
Voicemails to an Unmanned Inbox | @/pellucid-constellations
When Bucky takes an argument a little too far, you take off. All he wants is for you to come back home
Five Moments in Time | @/pellucid-constellations
All of the moments in which Sergeant Barnes let the nurse on his unit know he’s not gonna stop trying to win her over. Even from beyond the grave. (40s!Bucky)
Grip | @/pellucid-constellations
You knew Bucky didn't like his arm. You just didn't know how much until he accidentally hurt you with it.
Counting | @/pellucid-constellations
Time heals all wounds. Bucky’d been holding onto that proverb ever since blip. But time had never been particularly kind to him, so he opted to keep track of the sweet girl’s in his apartment building instead, the one that made him banana bread and took him to diners at two in the morning. Sometimes, you didn’t keep the same schedule. That made Bucky panic.
Easy | @jaggedamethyst
life with bucky is amazing…but it’s easy to feel like you’re not enough when your relationship is a secret.
drawing the line | @fireinmoonshot
Bucky Barnes has messed up big time ... he just doesn't know it until he sees you and realises he really should've checked his texts.
The One That Got Away | @writing-for-marvel
When Bucky enters the void, he expects his memories as The Winter Soldier to haunt him, or perhaps even death itself, instead, he finds himself face to face with you the night you broke up.
The One That Got Away (2) | @/writing-for-marvel
After reliving your break up as his shame room experience, Bucky goes to deliver an overdue apology to you - what he doesn’t expect to find out is you suffered through the same worst memory.
The Third Wheel | @/writing-for-marvel
When Bucky finally asks you out on a date, the last thing you expect is for his high school crush Connie to also have been invited.
40’s!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader
Dye Me a Lie | @marvelettesassemblenow
When Natasha found out about the Quiz which showed which Avenger you should date, the Avengers decided they all should take the test and go on these dates.
Your Touch | @/marvelettesassemblenow
Bucky hadn’t been long at the compound when he noticed that others sought you out to calm down. So slowly he started too and had to figure out his feelings for you
Sleepy Heads | @winterarmyy
That time when the reader accidentally fell asleep on a stranger’s shoulder in the subway ride home. The stranger in question, however, is none other than the former Winter Soldier, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.
He Hates Me, Doesn't He? | @/winterarmyy
You hurt Bucky's girl, and now he hates you.
starry eyed | @flowersforbucky
reader gets a special gift from her secret santa
moth to a flame | @/flowersforbucky
bucky is triggered into the winter soldier during a mission and then goes MIA, until he seeks you out in the middle of the night.
love language | @/flowersforbucky
snapshots of your relationship with bucky told through the five love languages.
lessons in lovemaking [masterlist] | @artficlly
You and Bucky Barnes go undercover as a married couple, but when a fake kiss gets too real, he unexpectedly finishes in his pants—leaving you both stunned.
his girls | @/artficlly
alpine barely tolerates anyone but bucky, so when she curls up in your lap without a second thought, the team is left reeling—especially when it leads to the not-so-subtle revelation that you and bucky have been sneaking around for months.
A Quiet Escape | @thebarneschronicles
During a holiday stay at Clint Barton’s home, you’ve been desperately trying to steal a moment alone with Bucky—your super-soldier boyfriend—but the Avengers are constantly interrupting. Between Clint’s kids, Steve’s “bromantic” grocery runs, and Nat pulling Bucky into sparring sessions, it feels like you’re constantly fighting for his attention. Frustration finally boils over when you confront Bucky about your lack of privacy, only to discover he’s just as eager for some alone time as you are - and willing to do anything to get it.
I’d Back Off If I Were You | @thighs-of-betrayal-blog
Hold the Door | @/thighs-of-betrayal-blog
You’ve never met your new neighbor, not until an incident happens involving the apartments elevator.
A Thousand Times Before | @marvelstoriesepic
Bucky travels to an alternate universe for the sake of a mission. But he doesn’t expect to come face to face with a version of you that loves him, completely and openly. Back in his own world, he is left with a truth he can’t keep to himself anymore.
Avenger!Bucky x Avenger!Reader
I Thought We Were Already Dating | @danysdaughter
you thought you were spiraling over a situationship—meanwhile, bucky barnes had been acting like your very committed, very oblivious boyfriend the entire time. one public meltdown, a congressional office full of witnesses, and a very intense kiss later… you're officially his girl (and he never doubted it).
Mine | @cherrypickertheory
A new recruit joins the team, and gets a little too close to you for Bucky’s liking.
Light | @sun-kissy
bucky meets you, his bright, new neighbour, and is instantly endeared
option two | @nev3rfound
after nightmares continue to haunt his nights, bucky knows there’s one person left who could potentially provide some form of comfort, but is she still willing to see him after all this time?
Serious Questions | @espinosaurusrexex
Bucky agrees to go on a date to make his colleagues shut up. Now, he just feels sorry for the poor woman that has to spend an entire evening with him. He really tries to make it work, though, because he actually enjoys her company.
Touch Starved | @mrsbuckybarnes1917
You accidentally walk in on Bucky touching himself when he thinks he is alone. Turns out he is thinking about you.
hey guys! here it is, my loves!! a few bucky barnes fics I’ve read and really loved— you can probably tell I’m a sucker for some good angst 😭 please make sure to read the warnings for each fic, and I hope you enjoy!!!
to the authors, my deepest thanks for sharing your art and talent, you’re amazing <33
Good Times, For a Change by @starrbishops
You and Bucky visit the Museum of Modern Art, trying to understand how art has changed over the last 70 years.
The memory box by @imnotjustreadingg
Bucky is a golden retriever boyfriend while Y/N is a black cat. They complete each other, and Bucky swore he would never love her more. Until she get a box out of the room.
Echos by @brokenbarnes
Bucky's worst nightmare comes true. You come back to him after taking a turn in Hydra's electric chair.
His Reason by @marvelwitchergilmore
You and Bucky are seemingly a recipe for disaster. But after a mission goes awry, things begin to change.
Three words by @featherandferns
You help to ease Bucky after a nightmare
Walls by @aquaticmercy
You never ask for help, even when your boyfriend wants to help you.
Hypersonic Missiles by @aquaticmercy
Congressman Barnes falls in love with a fiercely progressive senator. What happens when he starts regretting going into politics at all?
Class dismissed by @cursedheartsclub
Because falling for your favorite student’s “uncle” was never part of the lesson plan.
Into the void by @cheekybarnes
Inside the void, nothing is real, but the trauma is. As memory turns to ruin, Bucky is found by the only person who ever made him believe he could survive what was done to him.
For Better or For Worse by @helaintoloki
You want a divorce, but Bucky needs your help for one last mission. Luckily, marriage is all about compromise.
Devoted by @fallenbratfiction
Husband! Bucky Barnes can’t take his eyes or his hands off of you. He has to make the biggest effort around the kids, and honestly, it’s all you’ve ever dreamed of.
Somniloquy by @writingunderneathawillow
To you, it used to be a kind of embarrassing fun fact about yourself, to bucky, it was absolutely adorable that you sleep talked. at least until you accidentally started mumbling the words that brought forth the winter soldier
please remember to show some love to the authors— likes, reblogs, and comments go a long way. let them know their work matters <33
**read touch and go here**
✮ synopsis: steve rogers has spent two years keeping you at arm’s length. but when a mission goes wrong and his skin meets yours, suddenly every wall he’s built starts crumbling.
(or: the soulmate fic where touch is the one thing captain america can’t fight.)
✮ pairing: steve rogers x soulmate!reader
✮ warnings: gunshot wound, severe blood loss, near-death experience, touch starvation/deprivation, PTSD, panic attacks, grief, hospitalization, steve's crippling self-destructive tendencies, some bone-deep yearning, angst with HEA, explicit sexual content
✮ word count: 17.2k (ur girl doesn't know how to shut up)
✮ a/n: this was supposed to be a drabble. like. idk. (I think I might like it more than 'touch and go' WHO SAID THAT)
series masterlist
bonus drabble 1
bonus drabble 2
The first time you see Steve Rogers cry, you're not supposed to be there.
The SHIELD medical bay at 2:47 AM is meant to be empty—just you, a dislocated shoulder from a mission gone sideways in Prague, and the ice pack you're too stubborn to ask someone else to help you position. But there he is, Captain America himself, hunched forward in the uncomfortable plastic chair beside bed seven with his face in his hands, shoulders shaking in that particular way that says everything hurts and I'm trying to be quiet about it.
You freeze in the doorway, good arm holding your bad arm, heart suddenly hammering against your ribs like it's trying to break free. The fluorescent lights hum overhead, too bright, making everything look sharp-edged and surreal. Your mouth goes dry. There's a metallic taste on your tongue—adrenaline, maybe, or just the copper-tang of exhaustion that's been following you since your transport touched down six hours ago.
He's still in his tactical gear—dirt-streaked and blood-spattered from wherever he's been. You'd heard whispers in the hallways. A Hydra facility. The Winter Soldier, recovered. Captain Rogers, who never fails, who never breaks, bringing his best friend home after seventy years. You'd seen him from a distance when they'd brought Barnes in, shield on his back like it weighed a thousand pounds, and thought what you always think: beautiful and untouchable as a monument.
Now, though. Now he's just a man in a room that smells like antiseptic and grief, crying over—
The bed. There's someone in the bed.
Barnes. James Barnes. The Winter Soldier. Bucky. Whatever name he's wearing today. This is your first time seeing him up close, seeing him as something other than a ghost story whispered in SHIELD corridors. He looks smaller than the legends suggest, more human than weapon.
He's unconscious, or close to it, hooked to machines that beep in rhythms that must mean something to someone who isn't you. But what catches your attention—what makes your stomach twist and drop like you've missed a step going downstairs—is the woman curled against his side.
You don't know her, have never seen her before, but you know what she is. It's in the way she fits against him, like two pieces of something broken made whole. The way even unconscious, his body angles toward hers, his metal arm—and God, that's the arm that's killed presidents—draped protectively across her waist. The way her hand rests over his heart, monitoring his breathing even in sleep.
His soulmate. The Winter Soldier has a soulmate.
And Steve Rogers is crying over them.
Your shoulder throbs, sending white-hot spikes down your arm, and you bite the inside of your cheek hard enough to taste blood. You should leave. This is private, sacred, none of your business. But when you try to shift backward, your shoulder screams—a sharp, electric agony that races down your spine and makes your vision go spotty at the edges. The small sound that escapes your throat—half-gasp, half-whimper—cuts through the quiet like a gunshot.
Steve's head snaps up.
His eyes are red-rimmed, devastated, the blue of them turned dark and stormy with an emotion so raw it feels like looking directly at an exposed nerve. There are tear tracks on his cheeks, catching the harsh fluorescent light, and his lips are parted like he's forgotten how to breathe properly. For a second, neither of you moves. You're caught in the doorway like a deer in headlights, your pulse thundering in your ears, and he's frozen mid-grief, and the moment stretches taut as wire between you.
The air feels charged, like the moment before lightning strikes. Your skin prickles with it, every hair on your arms standing at attention.
Then his face closes off. All that naked emotion disappears behind the Captain America mask, so fast you'd think you imagined it if your heart wasn't still trying to claw its way out of your chest from the impact of seeing it.
"You need help?" His voice comes out rough, scraped raw, gravel and exhaustion and something else threaded through it. He clears his throat, stands, and suddenly the room feels smaller, the walls pressing in. He's always so much—six feet of genetically enhanced perfection that makes your body confused about whether it wants to fight or flee or something else entirely that you refuse to examine.
"I—" Your voice catches, sticks in your throat like you've swallowed glass. You force yourself to look at your shoulder instead of his face, but that means looking at the way his hands flex at his sides, the way his weight shifts like he's fighting the urge to move toward you. "Dislocated. From Prague. I can manage."
"You can't." Matter-of-fact, not unkind, but there's something underneath it—a tension that makes your stomach flip. He crosses the room in three strides, and you have that thought again—monument—but monuments don't usually smell like gunpowder and sweat and something cedar-sharp that makes your hindbrain light up with interest you absolutely cannot afford.
He stops just short of you, close enough that you can feel the heat radiating off him, close enough that you have to tilt your head back to meet his eyes. The movement makes your shoulder scream, and you can't quite suppress the way your breath hitches.
"Really, I'm—"
"Stubborn?" There's something almost like amusement flickering across his face, just a twitch at the corner of his mouth, but it makes your chest go tight and warm. "I know. You once tried to extract yourself from a building collapse with three broken ribs and a concussion."
You blink, stomach doing something complicated and uncomfortable. He knows that? He noticed that? Your skin feels too tight, like your body's trying to contain something that won't fit.
"Sit." He gestures to one of the beds, and when you don't move immediately—frozen by the way he's looking at you, intent and focused like you're a problem he needs to solve—his head tilts slightly. "That's an order, agent."
"You're not my CO," you point out, but you're already moving, because arguing with Steve Rogers while your shoulder feels like it's full of ground glass and your body is betraying you with all these inconvenient reactions seems like a losing proposition.
He follows, and you're hyperaware of him in that way you always are—the space he takes up, the way air seems to bend around him, the way your skin prickles with awareness even though he hasn't touched you. When you sit on the bed's edge, the paper crinkles beneath you, too loud in the quiet. He stands in front of you, and you have to focus on the SHIELD logo on his chest because looking at his face feels dangerous right now, like staring directly into the sun.
"This is going to hurt," he says, and his voice is lower now, closer. You can feel it rumble through the space between you.
"I know." Your good hand is gripping the edge of the bed so hard your knuckles have gone white. Your heart is doing something irregular and concerning in your chest.
"I mean it's going to—"
"Captain Rogers." You finally look up at him, find him watching you with an expression you can't parse—something intense and careful and guarded all at once. The fluorescent light catches in his hair, turns it more gold than blonde. There's a smudge of dirt on his jaw. "I've been in the field for six years. I know what a shoulder reduction feels like."
Something shifts in his jaw, that little muscle tick you've catalogued along with a hundred other Steve Rogers tells. Your breathing has gone shallow, and you don't know if it's from the pain or the way he's looking at you—like you're something he needs to be careful with.
Finally, he reaches for your arm.
He's wearing tactical gloves.
Of course he is. Steve Rogers always wears gloves on missions, black leather that make his already large hands look even more capable. You've never thought about it before—lots of agents wear gloves. Protection, grip, a hundred practical reasons.
But now, with him this close, with his hands carefully bracketing your injured arm, you notice the deliberateness of it. The way the leather covers every inch of skin from fingertip to wrist. The way he's careful, even now, not to let any exposed skin above the glove brush against you. There's a gap, barely an inch, where his sleeve has ridden up, revealing a strip of pale skin. You stare at it, pulse jumping in your throat for reasons you don't understand.
"On three," he says, and his voice is closer now, quieter. You can feel the heat of him, the solid presence that makes your good hand want to reach out and—
Your fingers twitch on the bed. The paper crinkles.
"One."
He adjusts his grip, and even through the leather, even through your tactical shirt, your nerve endings light up like a circuit board. Your breath catches, stops, starts again too fast.
"Two."
You're watching his face because you have to look somewhere, and that's when you see it—a flicker of something that looks like resignation. Like loss. Like he's steeling himself for something that's going to hurt. The tendons in his neck are taut, and there's a bead of sweat trailing down from his temple despite the cool air.
"Three."
The world whites out. Pain floods your system, sharp and immediate, and your vision goes sparkly at the edges. Your good hand flies up instinctively, searching for something to anchor you, and finds—
His vest. Your fingers curl into the tactical fabric, knuckles brushing against the solid wall of his chest beneath. You're falling forward, or maybe he's moving closer, and suddenly your forehead is almost touching his chest, and his hands have shifted to your shoulders—careful, still gloved, but holding you steady.
"Breathe," he says, and maybe it's the pain, but his voice sounds different. Softer. Rougher. His thumb moves in a small circle against your shoulder, probably meant to be soothing, but it sends electricity racing down your spine. "You're okay. Just breathe."
You realize you're making small, hurt sounds into his vest, and his body has curved around you slightly, protective, blocking you from the rest of the room. Your working hand has somehow fisted completely in his tactical vest, and you can feel the rise and fall of his breathing, too controlled to be natural. His heart beats against your knuckles, faster than you'd expect for someone with enhanced everything.
"I'm good," you manage, though your voice comes out embarrassingly breathy, wrecked. "I'm—thank you."
You pull back, look up, and freeze.
He's so close. Close enough that you can see the flecks of green in his blue eyes, the way his pupils have dilated slightly. Close enough to count individual eyelashes, to see the faint scar on his lower lip. Close enough that when his lips part slightly, you feel his exhale ghost across your face.
His eyes drop to where your hand grips his vest, and there's something almost stricken in his expression. His throat works as he swallows, and you track the movement helplessly.
Then his gaze snaps to your face, and for a second—just a second—his eyes drop to your mouth.
The air between you goes electric.
His hand on your shoulder tightens infinitesimally, leather creaking, and you're suddenly aware that your bodies are still curved toward each other, that if you just leaned forward an inch—
He jerks back. Takes three full steps back, actually, like he needs the distance. Like proximity to you is somehow dangerous. His breathing is slightly uneven, and there's a flush high on his cheeks that wasn't there before.
"You should get that x-rayed," he says, and his voice is too loud in the quiet room, just slightly unsteady. He's Captain America again, professional and distant, but his hands are clenched at his sides and he won't quite meet your eyes. "And ice. Twenty minutes on, twenty off."
"I know the drill." Your voice sounds strange to your own ears, throaty and affected. Your good hand is still raised slightly, fingers tingling from where they'd gripped his vest.
He nods, sharp and efficient. Turns to go back to his vigil beside Barnes's bed. But something makes you speak, words tumbling out before your brain can catch up with your mouth.
"He's lucky."
Steve stops. His shoulders go rigid, the line of his spine straightening like someone's put electricity through it.
"Barnes," you clarify, though you shouldn't. Your tongue feels thick in your mouth, clumsy. "To have someone who—to have her. His soulmate. They're both lucky."
When he turns to look at you, there's something hollow in his eyes, something that makes your chest ache with recognition you don't want to examine. The muscle in his jaw is working again, and his gloved hands clench and unclench at his sides.
"Yeah," he says quietly, and the word comes out like it's been dragged over broken glass. "Lucky."
He says it like the word tastes like ash, like something burned and bitter on his tongue.
"Steve—" You don't know what you're going to say, don't know why his name feels like something precious in your mouth, why your body is still leaning toward him like a plant toward sunlight.
"You should rest." He cuts you off, gentle but firm, and there's something almost desperate in the way he's not looking at you. "That shoulder needs—"
An alarm goes off. Not the gentle chime of a normal medical alert, but the sharp, angry wail that means something's wrong. Steve's already moving, heading for Barnes's bed where machines are screaming and the woman—his soulmate—is sitting up, hands pressed to her temples, saying "Something's wrong, something's—"
Barnes jackknifes upright with a sound that isn't quite human, metal arm swinging blindly, and his soulmate catches his hand without flinching. The moment their skin connects, some of the wildness bleeds out of his eyes.
"Bucky." Her voice is steady despite the chaos. "You're in medical. You're safe. I'm here."
You should leave. This is definitely not for you to witness. But you're frozen, watching how Barnes's entire being reorganizes itself around her touch, how his breathing slows to match hers, how the machines gradually stop their shrieking as his vitals stabilize. The way she runs her fingers through his hair, and he melts into it, face pressing into her palm like he's trying to absorb her through skin contact alone.
And you watch Steve watch them, standing two feet away but somehow miles distant, his gloved hands clenched so tight at his sides that the leather creaks.
You've never wanted a soulmate. The odds are astronomical, the chance of finding them slim to none, and you've seen what happens to people who lose them—the hollow-eyed grief that never quite fades. Better to never have one than to lose them. Better to be whole on your own than broken in half of a pair.
But watching Barnes fold into his soulmate's arms like coming home, watching her hold him together with nothing but touch and presence and fierce, protective love—
Your chest aches with want so sharp it steals your breath. Your skin feels too tight, too hot, like your body is trying to tell you something your mind won't acknowledge.
When you look at Steve, he's already looking at you. For just a second, you see your own longing reflected in his eyes, the same hollow ache of watching others have what you'll never possess. His gaze drops to your hand—the one that had gripped his vest—and something flickers across his face, too fast to read.
Then he looks away, jaw tight, and the moment breaks, and you're just an injured agent who needs to stop projecting feelings onto a superior officer who barely knows you exist.
"Get some rest," he says without looking at you, voice carefully controlled. "That's an order."
This time, you don't argue. You leave him to his vigil, to his grief, to whatever it is that makes Captain America cry in hospital chairs over other people's happy endings.
Your shoulder throbs in time with your heartbeat as you walk away, and you tell yourself that's the only reason your chest hurts. That's the only reason your skin feels like it's burning where he almost touched you. That's the only reason you can still feel the ghost of his vest under your fingers, the phantom heat of him curved around you.
You're very good at lying to yourself at 3 AM.
But your traitorous body remembers the way he'd jerked back from you, the way his eyes had gone wide with something that looked like fear when he'd realized how close you were.
Whatever Steve Rogers is afraid of, you're starting to think it might be you.
The next time you see him is three days later, and your body knows he's in the room before your brain catches up.
You're bent over a terminal in the east wing surveillance room, trying to make sense of intel that feels like it's been encrypted in ancient Sumerian, when every hair on the back of your neck stands at attention. Your spine straightens involuntarily, muscles tensing like an animal sensing a predator—or worse, like iron filings responding to a magnet.
"Agent."
Just that. Just your title in his Captain America voice, all professional distance and careful neutrality. But your treacherous body reacts like he's whispered something filthy in your ear—pulse jumping, skin flushing hot, stomach doing that uncomfortable flip that's becoming alarmingly familiar.
You don't turn around. Can't. Not when you know what you look like right now—haven't slept in thirty-six hours, hair in a messy bun that's listing severely to the left, yesterday's coffee staining your SHIELD-issued crewneck. Not when you can feel him taking up all the oxygen in the room just by existing in it.
"Captain Rogers." You're proud of how steady your voice comes out, even as your fingers have gone white-knuckled on the edge of the desk. "Something I can help you with?"
Silence. Long enough that you almost turn, almost give in to the gravitational pull of him. Then: footsteps. Measured, deliberate. He's moving closer, and your body tracks his approach like sonar, every nerve ending pinging with proximity alerts.
He stops just outside your peripheral vision—close enough that you can smell him (soap, leather, that cedar-sharp scent that makes your hindbrain whimper), far enough that there's no chance of accidental contact. You notice he does that a lot. Maintains exact distances like he's calculated the precise minimum safe zone between bodies.
"The Brussels intel." A pause. You hear him shift, leather jacket creaking. "Fury wants us to run point together."
Your hands still on the keyboard.
Us.
Together.
Run point.
"Us," you repeat, carefully neutral, still not turning around because if you look at him right now your face will do something stupid. Something that reveals how your stomach just dropped through the floor at the prospect of working closely with him. Of being in proximity to Steve Rogers for an extended period when just standing in the same room makes you feel like you're about to vibrate out of your skin.
"Is that a problem?"
There's something in his voice—a challenge maybe, or a test. Like he's waiting for you to admit what you both know: that whatever this thick, electric tension between you is, it's becoming harder to ignore.
"No, sir." You turn then, because not looking is starting to feel more obvious than looking, and immediately regret it.
He's in civilian clothes—dark jeans that shouldn't be legal on someone with his thighs, a navy shirt that clings to his chest in ways that make your mouth go dry. The leather jacket that does things to his shoulders that ought to be classified. But it's his face that kills you—that careful, composed expression that doesn't quite hide the way his eyes darken when they meet yours, the way his jaw ticks when you unconsciously wet your lips.
"Good." He steps closer—just half a step, but your body reacts like he's pressed you against the wall. Your breathing goes shallow, chest rising and falling too fast, and his eyes track the movement before snapping back to your face. "Briefing's at 0800."
"I'll be there."
He should leave. The conversation's over, message delivered. But he doesn't move. Just stands there, looking at you with an expression you can't read, and the air between you feels like it's getting thicker, harder to breathe. Your skin prickles with heat despite the aggressive air conditioning, and you can feel your pulse in your throat, your wrists, between your legs—
"Your shoulder." The words come out rough, like he's had to drag them from somewhere deep. "How is it?"
"Fine." Your voice sounds breathy, affected. You clear your throat, try again. "Good. It's good. Thanks to you."
Something flickers across his face at that—almost pained, like you've said something that hurts. His hand comes up, and for a heart-stopping second you think he's going to touch you. Your whole body goes still, waiting, wanting, every cell screaming yes, finally, please—
But he just runs it through his hair, a gesture that's so uncharacteristically unguarded it makes your chest ache.
"Steve—"
"I should go." He cuts you off, already stepping back, and the loss of proximity feels like someone's turned off the sun. "Early morning."
He's halfway to the door when you speak, words tumbling out without permission.
"Why do you do that?"
He stops. Doesn't turn. "Do what?"
"Pull back." Your heart is hammering so hard you're sure he can hear it with his enhanced everything. "You get close, and then you just—" You make a frustrated gesture he can't see. "It's like you're afraid of me."
His shoulders tense, and when he turns to look at you, there's something raw in his eyes for just a second before he shutters it away.
"I'm not afraid of you."
"Then what—"
"I'm afraid of what I want from you."
The words hang in the air between you like a grenade with the pin pulled. Your breath catches, stops entirely. Your body goes hot and cold at once, skin too tight, like you're having an allergic reaction to honesty.
He looks as surprised as you feel, like the admission escaped without his permission. His hands clench at his sides—you notice he's not wearing gloves, and for some reason that feels significant. Dangerous. His fingers are long, elegant despite their strength, and you have the sudden, visceral thought of what they'd feel like on your skin.
"Captain—"
"Steve." His voice is rough, wrecked. "Just... when it's just us, call me Steve."
Your throat feels like you've swallowed glass. "Steve."
He makes a sound—small, strangled—and takes a step toward you before catching himself. The muscle in his jaw is working overtime, and his hands—Jesus, his hands are actually trembling.
"This isn't—" He stops. Tries again. "I can't—"
"Can't what?" You stand, and your legs feel like water but you need to be closer to him, need to understand what's happening in the space between his words. "Steve, what—"
"0800," he says, and it sounds like surrender. "Don't be late."
He's gone before you can respond, leaving you alone in a room that feels too cold without him in it. Your skin feels raw, oversensitized, like you've been flayed open and exposed to the elements. You sink back into your chair, legs finally giving out, and press your palms against your burning cheeks.
I'm afraid of what I want from you.
Your body is still humming, vibrating at some frequency that feels like it's going to shake you apart. You can still smell him in the air—leather and soap and something unmistakably Steve that makes your hindbrain want to follow him down the hall, pin him against a wall, and find out exactly what he wants from you.
But you don't. You sit in your chair, stare at intel you can't process, and try to convince yourself that whatever's happening between you and Steve Rogers is just chemistry. Just proximity and adrenaline and two people spending too much time dancing around each other in small spaces.
You're getting better at lying to yourself.
But your body remembers the way his eyes had gone dark when he watched you breathe. The way his hands had trembled. The way he'd said your name like it was being torn out of him.
0800 can't come fast enough.
The briefing room is too small.
That's your first thought when you walk in at 0755, coffee clutched like a lifeline, to find Steve already there. He's studying a holographic map of Brussels, one hand braced on the table, the other holding a tablet. The morning light from the floor-to-ceiling windows turns his hair gold and throws his profile into sharp relief, and your step falters in the doorway because he looks like something out of a Renaissance painting—all strong lines and perfect angles and terrible beauty.
He doesn't look up, but his shoulders tense slightly. He knows you're there.
"Morning," you manage, proud when your voice doesn't crack.
"Agent." Back to titles, then. Back to distance. But when he glances up, his eyes catch yours and hold for a beat too long, and you see him swallow.
You take your seat—across from him, with the whole width of the table between you like a demilitarized zone. But it's not enough. The room's too small, the air too thin. You can see the rise and fall of his chest, the way his thumb taps against the tablet in a rhythm that matches your elevated pulse.
"The target's a bioweapon," he says without preamble, swiping something on his tablet that makes the hologram shift and expand. "Hydra remnants, we think. They're moving it through Brussels tomorrow night."
You force yourself to focus on the intel, not on the way his hands move when he talks, precise and economical. Not on the fact that his sleeves are rolled up, revealing forearms that make your mouth water—all corded muscle and prominent veins and a dusting of hair that catches the light.
"Extraction point?"
"Here." He rounds the table to point at a specific building, and suddenly he's beside you, close enough that you can feel the heat radiating off him. Close enough that when you breathe in, you get a lungful of his scent that makes your head spin. "Warehouse district. Minimal civilian presence after dark."
You turn your head to look at the map, but that's a mistake because now his face is inches from yours. You can see the barely-there freckles across his nose, the way his lips part slightly when he breathes. His eyes drop to your mouth for a fraction of a second before he jerks back, stepping away so fast you feel the displacement of air.
"We'll go in quiet," he says, voice rougher than before. His hand comes up to rub the back of his neck, a gesture you're starting to recognize as his tell for when he's affected. "Two-person infiltration. Quick and clean."
"Just the two of us?" The words come out more breathless than you intended.
He nods, still not looking at you. "Fury wants it kept small. Discreet."
Discreet. Right. You can be discreet. You can be professional. You can absolutely handle being alone with Steve Rogers on a mission without doing something stupid like wondering what his hands would feel like in your hair, or how his voice would sound saying your actual name in the dark, or—
"Questions?"
You realize you've been staring at him, and your face goes hot. "No. No questions."
"Good." He's already moving toward the door, eager to escape, but he pauses at the threshold. When he looks back, there's something almost vulnerable in his expression. "We leave at 1400. Quinjet bay three."
"I'll be there."
He nods, starts to go, then stops again. His hand tightens on the doorframe, knuckles going white.
"You should wear tactical gear," he says without turning around. "Full coverage. It's going to be cold."
There's something about the way he says it—careful, deliberate—that makes you think he's not really talking about the temperature. But before you can respond, he's gone, leaving you alone in a room that still smells like him.
You spend the rest of the morning trying to focus on mission prep, but your mind keeps circling back to the way he'd looked at your mouth. The way he'd jerked back like you'd burned him. The way he'd specified full coverage like he was trying to minimize the chance of—what? Of skin contact? Of touching?
By 1400, you're wound so tight you feel like you might snap. The tactical gear feels heavy, constrictive, like it's pressing all your sensitivity inward. Every brush of fabric against skin feels amplified, every movement hyperaware.
You find him in the quinjet, running preflight checks with the kind of focus that suggests he's trying very hard not to think about something. He's in his Captain America suit—the deep blue that somehow makes his shoulders look even broader, red and white accents catching the cabin lights. No skin visible except his face and that thin strip at his neck where the cowl doesn't quite meet the collar, every inch of him covered like armor against something more than physical threats.
"Ready?" He doesn't look at you when he asks.
"Always."
The flight to Brussels takes six hours. Six hours of sitting across from each other in a quinjet that suddenly feels impossibly small. Six hours of trying not to stare at the way his hands move over the controls, sure and competent. Six hours of him studiously avoiding your gaze while the tension ratchets higher with every passing minute.
Halfway through, you shift in your seat, and your knee brushes his under the table. It's barely contact—layers of fabric between you—but you both freeze. His hands still on the tablet he's holding. Your breath catches in your throat. For a moment, neither of you moves, like you're both waiting to see what the other will do.
He pulls his leg back.
You curl your hands into fists and stare out the window at clouds that look soft enough to touch, trying to ignore the way your knee burns where it brushed his, trying to ignore the way he's breathing just a little too carefully across from you.
"You should get some rest," he says finally, voice neutral. "It's going to be a long night."
You don't tell him there's no way you could sleep, not when every cell in your body is hyperaware of his presence. Not when you can feel the weight of his carefully maintained distance like a physical thing.
Instead, you close your eyes and pretend, counting your breaths, trying to ignore the way your body hums with proximity to him. Trying to ignore the fact that in a few hours, you'll be alone with him in the dark, dependent on each other in the way that missions make necessary.
Trying to ignore the way your skin already aches for something you've never had.
When you fake-wake an hour later, he's watching you.
The look on his face—unguarded, soft, almost pained—makes your chest tight. But the second he realizes you're awake, his expression shutters, locks down, becomes Captain America again.
"Descending in twenty," he says, all business.
You nod, start checking your gear, and pretend you didn't see the way he was looking at you like you're something he wants but can't have. Pretend your heart isn't racing from that single, stolen moment of his true face.
Twenty minutes to Brussels.
Twenty minutes until you're alone with him in the dark.
Twenty minutes until whatever this is either snaps or shatters.
Your hands shake as you load your weapons, and you tell yourself it's just pre-mission adrenaline.
You're getting worse at lying to yourself.
The warehouse district in Brussels looks like every other warehouse district you've ever infiltrated—all concrete and shadows and too many places for things to go wrong. Your breath mists in the December air, visible for half a second before disappearing, and you're hyperaware of Steve beside you, the way his body heat seems to radiate even from three feet away.
Three feet. Always three feet.
You've been in position for forty minutes, watching the target building through night vision, and the tension between you has ratcheted so high you can practically taste it—metallic, electric, like the air before lightning strikes.
"Two guards, northwest corner," you murmur into comms, watching them through your scope. Your finger rests against the trigger guard, steady despite the way your whole body feels attuned to Steve's presence. "Rotation in approximately ninety seconds."
"Copy." His voice in your ear makes your stomach flip, low and authoritative. Through your peripheral vision, you catch him adjusting his shield, the movement precise, controlled. Everything about him is controlled. Has been since you touched down three hours ago. Maybe since before that. Maybe since that moment in the briefing room when he'd told you to wear full tactical gear like he was trying to armor you against something more than bullets.
The silence stretches, fills with things unsaid. Your skin prickles beneath the kevlar, every nerve ending hyperalert. Not from danger—not yet—but from proximity to him that feels more intimate than touch. You can hear him breathe, steady and measured. Can smell that cedar-sharp scent that cuts through the industrial stink of the district. Can feel the weight of his attention even when he's not looking at you.
"You know," you say quietly, because the silence is becoming unbearable, "for a stealth mission, you're thinking very loudly."
A pause. Then: "I'm not thinking anything."
"Liar." The word slips out before you can stop it, soft and knowing, and you feel him go still beside you.
"Agent—"
"You said when it's just us, I could—" You swallow, throat suddenly dry. "We're alone, Steve. You can use my name."
Another pause, longer this time. When he speaks, his voice is rougher. "The guards are moving."
He's right. You track them through your scope, watching them disappear around the corner, and try to ignore the way your name apparently burns in his throat, the way he can't seem to say it even when you've given him permission.
"Window's open," you confirm. "Ninety seconds, like clockwork."
"Let's move."
You're up and moving before the words finish forming, bodies falling into perfect synchronization. He goes high, you go low, covering angles with the kind of wordless communication that feels like dancing, like inevitability. Your breath syncs with his as you cross the open ground, and you tell yourself it's just tactical breathing, just professional compatibility.
You're getting worse at lying to yourself.
The side entrance is exactly where intel said it would be. Steve makes quick work of the lock while you cover him, and the domestic intimacy of it—you protecting his back while he works—makes something twist in your chest.
"Got it." The lock clicks open, and he pulls the door wide, weapon raised.
You follow him into darkness.
The warehouse is a maze of shipping containers and scaffolding, all deep shadows and blind corners. Your night vision paints everything in shades of green, turning Steve into something otherworldly as he moves ahead of you, all lethal grace and coiled power. You've seen him fight before, but there's something different about moving with him like this, just the two of you in the dark. Something that makes your body hyperaware of every gesture, every signal.
He holds up a fist—stop. You freeze instantly, trusting him implicitly. He tilts his head, listening to something you can't hear, and you watch the line of his throat, the way his pulse beats steady and strong beneath the skin.
Then you hear it too—footsteps, multiple sets, coming from the east corridor.
Steve looks back at you, and even through the night vision, you can see something pass across his face. He points to himself, then forward. Points to you, then to a stack of crates that would provide cover.
You shake your head. You're not letting him go alone.
His jaw ticks—that tell you've catalogued along with all his others. But there's no time to argue. The footsteps are getting closer.
You move together, silent as shadows, until the first hostile rounds the corner.
Steve takes him down in one fluid motion, shield connecting with a dull thud that the man doesn't get up from. But there are more—so many more—and suddenly the warehouse explodes into chaos.
"Contact!" you shout into comms that suddenly fill with static, jamming signals flooding the frequency. "Multiple hostiles—"
A muzzle flash in your peripheral. You pivot, fire twice, watch the figure drop. Steve's shield sings through the air, ricocheting off three targets in quick succession before returning to his hand. You move back to back without thinking, covering each other's blind spots, and the contact—even through layers of tactical gear—makes your skin burn.
"We need to move!" Steve shouts over the gunfire. "The bioweapon—"
"I know!" You drop two more hostiles, reload with practiced efficiency. "Northwest stairs, we can—"
The explosion knocks you sideways.
Your shoulder hits concrete hard, night vision flickering, ears ringing. Through the smoke, you see Steve fighting like something out of legend—shield and fists and absolutely ruthless efficiency. But there are too many. They keep coming, and you're separated now, a wall of hostiles between you.
"Steve!" You fight toward him, muscle memory and desperation driving you forward.
"Get to the weapon!" His voice cuts through the chaos. "I'll hold them—"
"Like hell!"
But more fighters flood in, and you're forced back, forced to watch him disappear behind a wall of bodies. Your chest goes tight with something that's not quite panic but close—the thought of losing sight of him, of something happening while you're not there to cover his six.
You fight harder, brutal and efficient, trying to close the distance. Your body moves on autopilot while your mind tracks him through glimpses—the flash of his shield, the sound of his voice calling out positions.
Then you hear it. His sharp intake of breath, pained.
"Steve?"
"I'm fine." But his voice is strained, and you catch sight of him favoring his left side, blood dark on his tactical suit. "The weapon—"
"Fuck the weapon." You slam a new magazine home, determination crystallizing into something sharp and desperate. "I'm coming to you."
"No!" The authority in his voice stops you short. "That's an order—get the bioweapon. I'll meet you at extraction."
Every instinct screams against leaving him, but he's right. The mission. Always the mission.
You run.
The stairs are clear—too clear. Your instincts scream trap, but there's no time. You take them three at a time, hip protesting from the earlier fall, listening to the sounds of fighting below. Steve's still engaged, still fighting, and you track his progress through the warehouse by sound alone.
The lab is exactly where intel indicated—third floor, northeast corner. Also exactly as unguarded as you'd feared.
Trap. Definitely a trap.
But the bioweapon is there, contained in a small metal briefcase that seems too innocuous for something that could kill thousands. You grab it, already turning back toward the stairs when you hear Steve's voice crackle through the static.
Not "Agent." Your name, sharp and desperate, and the sound of it makes your blood freeze. "Get out. Now. They're—"
The static cuts him off.
"Steve? Steve!"
Nothing.
You're already running, taking the stairs so fast you nearly fall, the briefcase clutched tight against your chest. The warehouse has gone quiet—too quiet. No more gunfire. No more fighting.
Just silence.
You round the corner into the main warehouse floor and see him.
He's surrounded, on his knees, blood running from a cut above his eye. Six hostiles have weapons trained on him, and his shield is nowhere to be seen. But what makes your blood turn to ice is the seventh figure—a man in tactical gear holding something that looks like—
"No!" The word tears from your throat as you recognize the device. Sonic disruptor, strong enough to disorient even a super soldier.
The man's finger depresses the trigger.
Steve convulses, hands going to his ears, and the sound he makes—
You're moving before conscious thought catches up, pure instinct driving you forward. The briefcase clatters to the ground as you raise your weapon, laying down cover fire that sends three hostiles scrambling. But you're exposed now, in the open, no cover between you and—
The first shot catches you in the vest.
The impact slams you backward, driving all the air from your lungs in a whoosh that whites out your vision. Your body armor holds—SHIELD makes good gear—but the force spins you sideways, and before you can recover, before you can breathe—
The second shot finds the gap.
Right where your vest meets your hip, that vulnerable slice of space where mobility trumps protection. The bullet tears through tactical fabric and skin and muscle like tissue paper, and the pain—
The pain is exquisite.
White-hot agony blooms from your hip, spreading like wildfire through your nervous system until every cell is screaming. You hear yourself make a sound—sharp, breathless, more surprise than scream—and then your legs are failing, and you're falling, and the concrete rises up to meet you like an old friend.
Your name rips from Steve's throat like something being torn from his chest cavity.
Through blurring vision, you see him move.
The sonic disruptor doesn't matter. The six weapons trained on him don't matter. He erupts from his knees with a sound that's barely human, pure rage and desperation, and bodies go flying. He fights like something mythical, like something out of the stories they tell about Captain America, except there's nothing heroic about this.
This is brutality. Devastation.
Your hands shake as they try to find the wound, fingers slipping on something warm and wet that's spreading way too fast. The pain is enormous, eating at the edges of your consciousness, white-hot and pulsing with each heartbeat. Your tactical pants are already soaked, the fabric clinging to your skin, and when you lift your hand it's painted crimson in the warehouse's emergency lighting.
That's... that's too much blood. Way too much.
Your body starts to shake—shock, probably, or blood loss, or just the simple animal recognition that you're badly hurt. Your teeth start chattering, and you can't make them stop, jaw clenched so tight you taste blood from where you've bitten your tongue.
"No, no, no, no—"
Steve crashes to his knees beside you so hard the concrete cracks. His hands—his bare hands, when did he lose his gloves?—hover over you for a fraction of a second before pressing against the wound. The pressure makes you scream, body trying to curl away from the pain, but he holds you down, holds you still.
"Hey, hey, look at me." His voice cracks completely, nothing like Captain America's steady authority. This is just Steve, terrified and desperate. "Look at me. Stay with me."
You try to focus on his face, but it keeps fracturing, splitting into doubles and triples before reforming. Your eyes won't track right, keep sliding away like they're too heavy. His face is covered in blood—from the cut above his eye, from other wounds you can't catalog—and there's something wild in his expression, something that makes your chest tight for reasons that have nothing to do with the bullet.
"Steve—" Your voice comes out wrong, too wet, copper flooding your mouth. When you cough, something warm splatters across your lips.
"Don't talk, don't—just stay still. I've got you." He's pressing so hard against the wound that new pain blooms, sharp and bright, making your vision white out at the edges. But his hands—his hands are shaking where they press against you, and that seems wrong somehow. Steve Rogers's hands don't shake. "Med evac's coming. Two minutes. Just two minutes, you have to—"
His voice breaks completely, and you realize he's crying. Captain America is crying over you, tears cutting clean tracks through the blood and dirt on his face.
"'S okay," you slur, though it's not, though nothing is okay. Your tongue feels thick, clumsy. "'M okay."
"You're not okay." It comes out harsh, angry, but his hands on your wound are so careful, desperately trying to hold you together. "There's so much blood. Why is there so much—"
That's when you see it. His bare hands are pressed against your wound, skin to skin where your tactical gear has been torn away, and you wait for something—for warmth, for electricity, for whatever cosmic sign is supposed to indicate a soul bond. But there's just the cold creeping up your limbs and Steve's devastated face above you.
"Please," he's saying, over and over, like a prayer or a plea. "Please, just hold on. Just—"
He reaches for your face with one blood-slicked hand, maybe to check your pupils, maybe to keep you conscious, and that's when it happens.
His palm cups your cheek, and the world explodes.
Not with pain this time, but with something else entirely. Something that races through your dying body like lightning finding ground, like coming home, like every cell suddenly remembering what they're made for. The bond slams into place with the force of a freight train, decades of waiting condensed into a single moment of contact that rewrites everything you thought you knew about existence.
The warmth that floods through you has nothing to do with healing and everything to do with recognition. With rightness. With the soul bond that's singing in your bones, drowning out even the pain, making everything else fade to background noise. You can feel him—not just his hand on your face but him, his emotions crashing into yours like a tidal wave. Fear and longing and desperate denial and—
He rips his hand away like you've burned him.
"No." The word comes out strangled, broken. He's staring at his hand like it's betrayed him, then at your face with something that looks like pure horror. "No, not—not like this. Not now—"
The loss of his touch hits worse than the bullet did. Your body convulses, a sob ripping from your throat that you can't control, can't stop. The bond—new and raw and screaming—feels like someone's reached into your chest and started pulling things out. Every nerve ending is firing wrong, confused, desperate for the contact that just got ripped away.
"Steve." Your voice breaks on his name, barely human. The world is going fuzzy at the edges but this—this burning absence where his hand was—this is crystalline. "Steve, please—you're—we're—"
"Don't." He's pressing against the wound with just fabric between you now, using torn pieces of his uniform to maintain pressure without skin contact. His whole body is shaking, violent tremors that make his hands unsteady. "This can't—I can't—"
"Please." The word comes out slurred, desperate, all your walls crumbling with your blood pressure. Your body moves without permission, trying to arch toward him, and the movement sends agony through your hip but you don't care, can't care, not when every cell is screaming for him. "Need—need you t'touch me. Please. Hurts—hurts so much without—"
A whimper escapes, high and broken, and you're crying now—real tears mixing with blood from where you've bitten through your lip trying not to beg.
"I can't." He's sobbing openly, pressing harder against the wound as your blood soaks through the fabric barriers he's maintaining. His face is wrecked, destroyed, tears cutting tracks through dirt and blood. "I can't do this to you. I can't—everyone I touch—everyone I—"
"'M dying." It's matter-of-fact, clear even through the growing fog. Your body knows it, feels it in the way everything's going cold and distant.
Your hand lifts, trembling so hard it's more spasm than movement, reaching for his face. He catches your wrist with fabric-covered fingers, holding you back, and the sound you make—wounded, animal, barely human—seems to physically hurt him.
"You're not dying." Fierce, desperate, a lie that cracks in his throat. "You're not. Med evac's thirty seconds out. You're going to be fine, you're going to—"
"Hurts." The word is pure anguish. Not just the wound but the rejection, the bond screaming, tearing, dying in your chest. Your body's shutting down but somehow the ache of his denial cuts deeper. "Steve, please—am I—did I do something wrong? Am I not—not what you wanted—?"
"No." The word rips from him with enough force to echo off the warehouse walls. He's shaking so hard the fabric between you vibrates with it. "No, you're perfect. You're everything. You're—Christ, you're everything I never let myself want. That's why I can't—"
"Don' understand." Your vision is tunneling fast now, darkness eating the edges. Your body won't stop shaking, violent tremors that make your teeth chatter. "'S supposed to—soulmates supposed to—to help. To make it better. Why won't you—why won't you just—"
Another sob tears from your chest, weaker this time. Your reaching hand falls, fingers still twitching toward him.
"Because I'll destroy you." Raw, bleeding, the words torn from somewhere deep and wounded. "Because everyone I've ever—because I'm not meant for this. For you. You deserve someone who—someone whole. Someone who isn't—"
"Jus' wanted—" Your voice is fading, each word a monumental effort. Your body feels like it's floating and sinking at once. "Jus' wanted to know what it felt like. To be yours. Steve—'m so cold—”
Your eyes are sliding shut, but you force them open one more time, finding his face. He looks shattered. Broken. Like watching you die is killing him too.
"'M sorry," you whisper, and you don't know what you're apologizing for. For dying? For being his soulmate? For not being enough to make him want to hold you? "Sorry I'm not—not worth—"
"Stop." His voice breaks completely. "You're worth everything. You're worth—"
But you're already going under, the last sensation being the phantom burn of where his palm touched your cheek for those thirty-seven seconds. The bond screams and screams and screams, and then—
The med evac arrives in a thunder of sound and motion, but you can't process it anymore. Hands are moving you, lifting you, but all you can focus on is Steve's face, the way he's looking at you like you're taking his soul with you.
"I'm sorry," he's saying, over and over, his voice following you into the darkness. "I'm so fucking sorry. You deserve better. You deserve everything."
The last thing you see is him standing there, your blood painting his bare hands red, looking like a man who's just given up the one thing he wanted most in the world.
The last thing you feel is the phantom burn where his palm touched your cheek, the bond screaming for a connection that's been severed, your body trying to reach for something that's already gone.
The last thing you think, with the last conscious part of your mind, is that you would have been good to him. You would have been so good to him, if he'd let you.
But maybe that's why he pulled away.
Maybe he knows something you don't—that good things don't last, that soulmates are just another pretty lie the universe tells to make the dying easier.
Your hand falls limp, still reaching for him, and the darkness takes you under.
The medbay ceiling has exactly 247 tiles. You know because you've counted them approximately forty-three times since waking up, which was—what? Two weeks ago? Three? Time moves differently when your body is trying to rebuild itself from the inside out and your soul is trying to tear itself apart looking for someone who won't come.
The gunshot wound is healing. Slowly, methodically, with the kind of grinding precision that modern medicine excels at. They'd had to do surgery twice—once to stop the bleeding, once to repair the mess the bullet made of your intestines. The scar will be ugly, they tell you with professional sympathy, as if that's what you're worried about. As if the external scarring could possibly compare to whatever the fuck is happening inside your chest where the bond lives.
Or dies. You're not really sure which anymore.
Your nights follow a pattern now, predictable as clockwork. At 10 PM, the ward goes quiet, lights dimming to that particular hospital twilight that never quite achieves darkness. At 11:47 PM—always 11:47, like he's calculated the exact time the night nurse finishes rounds—you hear it.
Footsteps in the hallway. Careful, measured, but with that particular weight that only belongs to him. Your body recognizes them before your mind does, skin prickling with awareness, the bond flaring to life like struck kindling.
The first night, you'd opened your eyes.
He'd frozen in the doorway, silhouetted by hallway fluorescents, and for thirteen seconds (you counted), you just stared at each other. His face was—God, his face was something you'd never seen before. Raw. Destroyed. Like someone had reached inside him and rearranged everything until it no longer fit right.
"I—" he'd started.
You'd waited, heart hammering so hard the monitors had started alarming, bringing nurses running.
By the time they'd cleared out, satisfied you weren't dying, he was gone.
Now you know better. You keep your eyes closed, breathing deep and even, and let him have whatever this is. Whatever he needs.
He sits in the chair by the window—always the same chair, the one that creaks slightly when he shifts his weight. For the first ten minutes, he just sits there, breathing. You match your inhales to his, careful to keep them sleep-slow even though your heart is racing, even though every cell in your body is screaming to reach for him.
Sometimes he talks.
"They're releasing you tomorrow," he says tonight, voice barely above a whisper. "Fury told me. Said you're healing well. That you'll be able to—that you'll be fine."
Fine. The word sits between you like a lie neither of you believes.
"I know you're awake."
Your breath doesn't catch. You've gotten very good at this game.
"I know you're awake," he repeats, softer. "Your heartbeat changes when I'm here. Just a little, but—" A pause. The chair creaks. "I memorized it. Before. The sound of your heartbeat. Didn't mean to, it just—happened. Enhanced hearing and all."
You want to open your eyes so badly it's physical pain, but you don't. Can't. Because if you do, he'll leave, and even this—this careful distance, this monitored proximity—is better than nothing.
"I'm being reassigned."
Now your breath does catch, just slightly. You hear him shift forward.
"Fury thinks it's best. For both of us. Different divisions, different missions. Clean break." His voice cracks on 'clean' like the word itself is cutting him. "It's better this way. You can—you can find someone else. Someone who isn't—"
Broken, you want to finish. Scared. Frozen in a past that no longer exists.
But you keep your eyes closed, keep your breathing even, keep pretending that your chest isn't caving in with every word.
"I watched Bucky with his soulmate," he continues, and you've never heard him sound like this. Lost. "Watched how easy it was for them. How she touched him and suddenly he was whole again, was himself again. How the bond just—fixed things. Made sense of them."
The chair creaks again. Closer now. You can feel the heat of him, smell that cedar-sharp scent that makes your body ache with want.
"I thought—" He stops. Starts again. "I thought if I didn't have a soulmate, I could pretend I didn't belong here. Could keep one foot in the past, you know? Keep waiting to go home to a time that doesn't exist anymore. But then you—"
Silence. Long enough that you almost open your eyes, almost give up the pretense.
"You make me want to stay," he whispers, and it sounds like a confession. Like something torn from him against his will. "You make me want to belong here. In this century. In this life. And that fucking terrifies me."
Your eyes burn behind closed lids. Your throat aches with words you can't say.
"So I'm leaving. Because you deserve someone who isn't terrified of wanting you. Someone who can touch you without feeling like the universe is ending. Someone who—" His voice breaks completely. "Someone who didn't let you bleed out rather than accept a bond."
You hear him stand, the chair scraping slightly against linoleum. Feel him hesitate, that particular stillness that means he's fighting himself.
Then warmth. Just for a second. The ghost of fingers near your hand where it rests on the blanket, not quite touching but close enough that you can feel the heat of his skin, the way the air shifts between you.
"I'm sorry," he breathes. "I'm so fucking sorry."
Then he's gone, and you finally let yourself cry—silent, body-shaking sobs that you muffle in the pillow so the night nurse won't come. The bond aches like a severed limb, phantom pain for something you had for exactly thirty-seven seconds in a warehouse in Brussels.
Tomorrow, they release you.
Tomorrow, you go back to a life where Steve Rogers is just someone you pass in hallways, someone who looks through you like you're a ghost, someone who touched your face once while you were dying and then decided you weren't worth the risk.
Tonight, though. Tonight you lie in a hospital bed and count ceiling tiles and pretend you don't know that he stands outside your door for another twenty-three minutes before he finally makes himself leave.
Your apartment feels like a crime scene you're returning to.
Everything is exactly as you left it three weeks ago—coffee mug still in the sink, laptop still open on the counter, the ghost of your normal life preserved in amber. Except you're different now. Hollowed out and reconstructed wrong, like someone took you apart and lost a few crucial pieces in the reassembly.
The first night is the worst.
You'd thought the hospital was bad, with its antiseptic smell and endless fluorescent twilight. But at least there, you could pretend Steve might appear. Could lie to yourself that the footsteps in the hallway might be his.
Here, in your own space, there's no such illusion.
The bond aches constantly. Not the sharp, immediate pain of the first few days, but a bone-deep throb that makes everything feel wrong. Food tastes like ash. Sleep comes in fragments, always interrupted by dreams of warehouse floors and the phantom warmth of a palm against your cheek. Your skin feels too tight, like your body is rejecting itself in the absence of touch it's only had once.
You try to go back to work after a week.
Fury takes one look at you—hollow eyes, hands that won't stop shaking, the way you flinch when anyone gets too close—and sends you home.
"Medical leave," he says, not unkindly. "Take the time you need."
You want to tell him that time won't fix this. That you could take a year, a decade, and you'd still be searching every room for a ghost who won't appear. But you just nod, gather your things, and pretend you don't see the pity in his eye.
The second week is when the anger arrives.
It starts small—irritation at the barista who makes your coffee wrong, frustration with the TV remote that won't work properly. But it builds, feeds on itself, until you're standing in your kitchen at 2 AM, hurling the mug Steve never saw you drink from against the wall, watching it shatter into pieces that still somehow hold more cohesion than you do.
How dare he.
How fucking dare he.
To touch you, to activate a bond you didn't even know existed, and then rip himself away like you're something toxic. To visit you every night but never when you're awake to actually see him. To make decisions about your life, your future, your soul without even asking what you want.
You track his missions through the internal SHIELD networks you're not supposed to have access to anymore. London. Moscow. Cairo. Always moving, always running, like distance could somehow break what's already broken. Your clearance hasn't been revoked yet—an oversight, probably—so you read his reports, clinical and detached descriptions of operations that tell you nothing about whether he's eating. Whether he's sleeping. Whether his soul feels as flayed as yours.
Probably not. He chose this, after all.
The third week is when you see him.
You're not prepared. How could you be? You're just buying groceries, standing in the cereal aisle like a normal person pretending to care about fiber content, when you feel it—that familiar prickle of awareness, the bond flaring to life like muscle memory.
You turn, and there he is at the end of the aisle. Frozen, like he's been caught. He looks—
He looks like shit.
Hollow eyes, sharp cheekbones like he hasn't been eating, a carefulness to his movements that speaks of bone-deep exhaustion. His hands are shoved in his pockets, probably to stop himself from reaching for you. Or maybe just to hide how they're shaking.
For a moment, you both just stand there, two people separated by twenty feet of fluorescent lighting and an unbridgeable chasm of his making.
You watch his mouth form your name. Not quite speaking it, just shaping it, like even that much is more than he's allowed himself.
Your body moves without permission, taking one step toward him, and he takes a step back.
Right.
The message is clear. Crystal fucking clear.
You turn around, leave your half-full cart in the middle of the aisle, and walk out of the store with as much dignity as you can muster. Make it all the way to your car before the shaking starts, before you have to grip the steering wheel just to keep yourself anchored.
Twenty feet.
He couldn't even stand to be within twenty feet of you.
That night, you draft seven different resignation letters. Because fuck this. Fuck playing this game where you pretend you're okay, where you pretend that seeing him doesn't make you want to scream or cry or claw your own skin off just to escape the constant ache of the bond.
You don't send any of them.
But you keep them, just in case.
Week four is when Natasha shows up at your door.
"You look like hell," she says without preamble, pushing past you into your apartment.
"Thanks. Great pep talk. You can go now."
She ignores you, taking in the disaster you've let your living space become—dishes piled in the sink, curtains drawn against the afternoon sun, the general apocalyptic ambiance of someone who's given up.
"He's not doing any better, you know."
You laugh, bitter and sharp. "Good."
"He sits outside your building sometimes." She says it casually, like it's nothing, like it doesn't make your heart stutter and race. "At night. When he thinks no one will notice. Just sits in his car and stares up at your window like a fucking Victorian ghost."
"He made his choice."
"He made a stupid choice," she corrects. "Because he's a stupid, self-sacrificing idiot who thinks he's protecting you."
"From what?" The words explode out of you, months of frustration and hurt finally finding voice. "From having a soulmate? From being loved? From fucking touching another human being?"
"From him." Her voice goes soft, which is somehow worse than when she's being cutting. "From what he thinks he is. What he thinks he'll do to you."
"That's not his choice to make."
"No," she agrees. "It's not."
She leaves after that, but not before placing a small piece of paper on your counter. An address. A time. Tomorrow, 3 PM.
"He won't be there," she says. "But you should go anyway."
You stare at the paper for a long time after she's gone, memorizing numbers you'll probably never use.
But when tomorrow comes, you go anyway.
Because maybe you're just as much of a self-sacrificing idiot as he is.
Or maybe you're just tired of being angry.
Maybe you're just tired, period.
The address leads to a small gym in Brooklyn, the kind that smells like old leather and determination. You expect it to be empty—Natasha said he wouldn't be there—but there's someone in the ring.
Barnes.
He's working the heavy bag with mechanical precision, each punch measured and brutal. The sound echoes in the empty space—thud, thud, thud—rhythmic as a heartbeat. He doesn't look up when you enter, but his shoulders tense slightly, that particular stillness of someone who's hyperaware of their surroundings but pretending not to be.
Your stomach does something complicated. You've seen him around the Tower these past couple months since Steve brought him in, but always at a distance. Always with her—his soulmate, the one who somehow reached through seven decades of programming to find the man underneath. The one who touches him like it's breathing, casual and constant and necessary.
"Natasha send you?" His voice is flat, careful.
"Yeah."
He stops punching, turns to face you. Takes you in with those winter-gray eyes that see too much, catalog too much. There's still something unfinished about him, like he's a sketch someone's only halfway through shading. Two months of freedom haven't quite erased seventy years of being someone else's weapon.
"You look like shit," he says, which isn't what you expected.
"Thanks. Everyone keeps telling me that."
His mouth twitches—not quite a smile, but close. "Steve looks worse, if it helps."
"It does, actually."
This time he does almost smile, just a flash before his face settles back into its usual brooding. He unwraps his hands slowly, methodically, like he's buying time to figure out what to say. The motion is practiced, automatic—muscle memory that belongs to James Barnes, not the Winter Soldier. You wonder how many things like that he's had to relearn. How many small, human gestures he's had to excavate from under decades of conditioning.
"This is..." He stops. Runs a hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up at odd angles. The gesture is so remarkably normal it makes your chest tight. "I don't usually do this. The talking thing. That's more—" A pause, like he's trying to remember who handles these things now, in this new life where he has friends instead of handlers. "That's not really my thing."
"Then why—"
"Because Steve's an idiot," he says bluntly. "And someone needs to explain why he's being an idiot, and apparently that someone is me." He tosses you a pair of wraps. "You know how to use these?"
"I'm on medical leave."
"Not asking you to fight. Just asking if you know how to wrap your hands. Gives you something to do while I..." He makes a vague gesture that somehow encompasses the awkwardness of the entire situation.
You do know how to wrap your hands. The familiar ritual of it—loop around the wrist, between the fingers, across the knuckles—gives your body something to focus on besides the constant ache under your ribs where the bond lives. He watches you do it, noting the slight tremor in your fingers that hasn't gone away since Brussels.
"He ever tell you about Peggy?" Barnes asks suddenly, like ripping off a bandaid.
You pause, stomach twisting into something complicated. "No."
"Course not." He leans against the ropes, and for a moment looks older than whatever age he's supposed to be. "From what I remember—and my memory's not exactly..." He taps his temple with his metal finger, the soft whir of recalibrating plates filling the silence. "But from what I remember, and what I've been able to piece together since, he loved her. Real love, not just wartime desperation. Had her picture in his compass, carried it everywhere. Used to moon over her like she hung the goddamn stars."
Your chest tightens, ribs suddenly too small for your lungs. You focus on wrapping your hands, but the fabric keeps slipping because your palms have gone sweaty.
"But he knew they weren’t soulmates."
"Yeah. And it didn't matter to him. He chose her anyway." Barnes's jaw ticks, and you can see him working through memories that might be his or might be stories he's been told—the confusion of it flickers across his face. "I was already gone when he went into the ice. But from what I've learned, when he woke up, she'd lived a whole life without him. Found her actual soulmate. Got married. Had kids. The whole American dream he thought he was fighting for."
The words land like stones in your chest, each one heavier than the last.
Steve chose Peggy. Chose her without destiny, without the universe's intervention, without biological imperatives. Just looked at her and decided she was worth defying fate for.
And you?
You're just what the universe assigned him. The consolation prize. The participation trophy for surviving into a century he never wanted to see.
Your hands still on the wraps. "That's not—she couldn't have known he'd survive—"
"Doesn't matter. Logic doesn't factor into it." His metal hand flexes, a nervous tic you've noticed before. "I think—and look, this is just my theory, thrown together from bits and pieces—but I think Steve maybe saw it as proof. That the universe was right all along. That choosing her was just him being stubborn, going against what was meant to be."
The words settle heavy in your stomach like you've swallowed cement. "So when he found out I was his soulmate..."
"Proof he's supposed to be here. In this century he's never felt like he belongs in." Barnes's voice goes quiet, almost careful. You can see him choosing his words, this man who's spent two months relearning how to have opinions. "Look, I've only been... back... for a couple months. I'm still figuring out who Steve is now versus who he was then. Half my memories of him are probably more fantasy than fact at this point. But from what I can see, if he accepts you, then he has to accept that this is where he's meant to be. That this is home."
"And he doesn't want that."
"He wants it so much it terrifies him."
Barnes moves to the speed bag, starts a rhythm that's almost meditative. His metal arm moves differently than the flesh one—more precise, less natural, like he's still learning to inhabit it.
"When they brought me in, when I was still more Winter Soldier than anything else, my soulmate—she didn't give me a choice." The rhythm falters for a moment. "Just kept showing up. Kept touching me even when I tried to—" He stops. Restarts. The sound fills the gym like a heartbeat. "Even when I was dangerous. Even when I couldn't remember her name five minutes after she said it."
You know this story, or pieces of it. Everyone at SHIELD does. But the way he tells it—halting, like he's still surprised by it—makes it feel different. Raw. Like he still can't quite believe someone chose to love him through the worst of it.
"I could have killed her. Almost did, more than once those first few weeks. But she kept coming back." The speed bag stills. His hands drop to his sides, and for a moment he looks lost, like he's forgotten what to do with them when they're not fighting. "I didn't get to push her away. Didn't get to decide I was too broken or too dangerous. She made that choice for both of us."
"And it worked out."
"Yeah." His voice does something strange here—goes soft in a way you didn't think it could. Like even after decades of violence, there's still something in him capable of gentleness. "Yeah, it did. But Steve—Steve's got this idea that he's protecting you. From disappointment. From loss. From him."
"That's not his choice to make."
"No. It's not." Barnes looks at you directly, and there's something almost sympathetic in his expression. "But he's gonna make it anyway unless someone stops him. And I'm too fucked up myself to be giving relationship advice, but—"
The gym door opens, cutting him off, and Barnes's entire demeanor changes instantly. It's like watching winter thaw in fast-forward—his shoulders drop, his face loses that careful blankness, even his breathing seems to ease. You turn to see a young woman entering, all bright eyes and gentle energy that seems to fill the space with warmth.
"Hey," she says, and Barnes is already moving toward her like she's got her own gravitational pull, like his body just naturally orbits hers. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah, doll. Just—" He gestures vaguely at you, and she turns that warm attention your way.
"Oh! You must be the one Nat mentioned." She extends her hand, and her smile is so genuine it makes your chest hurt. There's something knowing in her eyes, something that says she understands what it's like to love someone who thinks they're unlovable. "I've heard about you."
"Hopefully not all bad."
"Never." She squeezes your hand gently before releasing it. "How are you holding up?"
The question is so earnest, so carefully kind, that you almost start crying right there in the gym. Your throat goes tight, eyes burning with tears you refuse to shed.
"I'm—" You stop, unable to lie to this person who radiates the kind of empathy that makes dishonesty impossible. "Managing."
She nods like she understands, and somehow you think she does. Then she turns back to Barnes, and it's like watching a completely different person emerge. He leans into her space without seeming to realize it, his hand finding the small of her back with the kind of casual intimacy that speaks of constant touch, constant contact. The metal hand, you notice. The one that's caused so much damage. She doesn't flinch from it.
"You eat today?" she asks him quietly, reaching up to brush his hair back from his face. The gesture is so tender it makes your chest ache.
"Yeah, sweetheart." His voice is impossibly soft, private.
"What did you eat?"
A pause. His mouth quirks slightly—a ghost of whoever James Barnes was before the war, before the fall, before everything. "You."
She smacks his chest. "That doesn't count as food, James."
"Seemed pretty filling to me."
"Oh my god." She turns to you, cheeks pink but biting back a smile. "Six decades as an international assassin and he thinks he's a comedian now."
"I'm hilarious," Barnes says, completely deadpan, but his hand is rubbing small circles on her back, and the look she gives him—fond and exasperated and completely besotted—makes something crack in your chest.
Because this is what choosing looks like. This is what wanting looks like when it's not forced by biology or destiny or the universe's sick sense of humor.
Steve chose Peggy like this. Without destiny. Without force. Just looked at her and knew she was worth everything.
And you? You're just the assignment. The universe's way of telling him he can't go home. The anchor keeping him in a century he never asked for.
Your hands curl into fists inside the wraps, nails digging into your palms hard enough to hurt.
"We're gonna grab dinner," Barnes's soulmate says to you, still tucked against his side like she belongs there. "Real food," she adds with a pointed look at him. "You should come."
"I—no, thank you. I should—" You gesture vaguely at nothing, at the door, at escape.
"Think about what I said," Barnes interjects, not unkindly. His eyes are serious, understanding in a way that makes you want to run. "And..." He pauses, seems to wrestle with something. "Steve's an idiot. But he's an idiot who's been looking at you like you hung the moon since before Brussels. That's not the bond. That's just him."
They leave together, her hand in his, talking quietly about dinner plans and everyday things. You watch them go, Barnes letting her guide him toward something as simple as a meal, and the comparison burns in your throat like acid.
He never pushed her away. Even when he was dangerous, even when he was broken, even when he couldn't remember her name. He let her choose him.
But Steve? Steve took one look at the bond between you and ran.
Because with Peggy, he had a choice. He chose to love her.
With you, he doesn't. You're just what he's stuck with.
Your phone buzzes. A text from an unknown number.
He has a mission briefing tomorrow at 0900. Conference room C. Just saying.
You delete the text, but the information burns in your brain.
Maybe it's time to stop letting Steve Rogers make all the choices.
Even if you're just the consolation prize.
Even if you'll never be Peggy Carter.
Maybe especially then.
Conference Room C is empty.
You stand in the doorway like an idiot, staring at the polished table and empty chairs, at the blank whiteboard that mocks you with its pristine surface. The digital clock on the wall reads 09:07. You've been lurking in the hallway since 08:45, watching people filter in and out of different rooms, none of them Steve.
Of course.
Of course Natasha's intel was wrong, or maybe it was right and he changed locations when he realized you might—
Fuck this.
Fuck all of this.
The anger that's been simmering for weeks boils over, hot and sudden.
You're done.
Done waiting, done hoping, done letting Steve Rogers dictate the terms of your existence with his absence. Your hands shake as you turn to leave, the bond aching with fresh disappointment, and you're so focused on not crying that you don't hear the footsteps until—
A hand wraps around your elbow.
Even through the fabric of your shirt, you know it's him. Your body recognizes his touch like a key in a lock, every nerve ending suddenly alive, suddenly screaming. You're yanked sideways—not roughly, but with desperate efficiency—into a supply closet that smells like printer toner and industrial cleaner.
The door clicks shut, and you're plunged into darkness cut only by the thin strip of light under the door.
Your eyes adjust slowly, and when they do—
Jesus Christ.
Steve looks destroyed.
No, destroyed doesn't cover it.
He looks like someone reached inside him and hollowed him out with a rusted spoon. His uniform is torn—actually torn, with what looks suspiciously like blood staining the blue fabric black. There's a cut on his cheekbone that's already healing, but slowly, like even his enhanced body is too exhausted to properly function. His hair is matted with ash and something darker. His eyes are wild, pupils blown wide in the darkness, and he's breathing like he can't get enough air, like his lungs have forgotten how to work properly.
"Steve?" Your voice comes out tentative, barely a whisper.
He makes a sound—broken, animal, completely unintelligible. His hand is still on your elbow, grip tight enough that it should hurt but doesn't, and you can feel him trembling. Not just his hand. All of him. Vibrating with something that looks like shock but feels like barely contained devastation.
For a moment, you just stare at each other in the dim light. His chest heaves with each breath, and you can smell the mission on him—gunpowder and smoke and something else, something that makes your stomach turn. Death. He smells like death.
"Steve, what—"
He breaks.
With a deep, shuddering breath that sounds like it's being torn from the very center of him, Steve pulls you against him. It's not gentle. It's desperate, consuming, like a drowning man finding solid ground. One hand tangles in your hair, fingers twisting in the strands hard enough to make your scalp sing with that perfect edge of pain-pleasure. The other arm bands around your waist, and then—
His hand slides up under your shirt, fingers splaying wide against the bare skin of your back, and you both gasp.
The bond roars to life.
It's not the gentle warmth you'd imagined soulbonds to feel like. It's a flood, a tidal wave, every point of contact sending liquid heat through your veins like you're mainlining pure sensation. Your knees buckle, but he's got you, holding you up with desperate strength as he buries his face in the crook of your shoulder.
The noise he makes then—God, you'll hear it forever. Half sob, half relief, muffled against your neck as he breathes you in like you're the only thing keeping him tethered to earth. His body curves around yours, too tall, too broad, trying to eliminate every millimeter of space between you.
"Had to—" His voice is wrecked, barely recognizable, words pressed hot against your throat. "Had to find you. Couldn't—fuck, I couldn't breathe—"
His hand on your back moves restlessly, seeking more skin, and when his fingertips brush the edge of your bra, you shiver so hard he groans. The sound vibrates through your chest where you're pressed together, and you can feel his control fracturing, feel the way his hands shake with the effort of not taking more.
But he does take more.
His hand in your hair tightens, tilts your head back to expose your throat, and his mouth presses to your pulse point—not kissing, just resting there, feeling your heartbeat against his lips. The hand under your shirt spreads wider, slides higher, until his thumb brushes your ribs and you make a sound you've never made before.
"The mission," he says against your skin, and you feel more than hear it. "There was—Christ, there was this couple. Shopping for groceries when the building came down."
His whole body shudders, and he presses closer, pins you against the door with his weight like he needs the contact to stay upright. You can feel every line of him through the torn uniform—the hard planes of his chest, the way his stomach muscles clench with each ragged breath, the thick press of his thighs against yours.
"She died instantly." The words come out broken, wet. "But he—he lived long enough to feel the bond break. Have you ever—" His voice cracks. "I've never heard anyone scream like that. Like his soul was being ripped out through his chest."
"Steve—"
"All I could think about was you." His confession comes with another full-body shudder, and suddenly his mouth is moving against your throat, not kissing but talking, like he needs the contact to get the words out. "What it would feel like if—if I lost you before I ever—"
He pulls back just enough to look at you, and his eyes are wet, devastated, completely without walls. "I can't lose you. I can't. I'll die. I'll actually fucking die."
"You won't lose me," you breathe, but he's already shaking his head, already pulling you impossibly closer.
"You don't understand." His hand slides from your hair to cup your jaw, thumb brushing across your cheekbone with reverent desperation. "The bond—it's not—for normal people it's intense, but for me—" He makes a sound like he's in physical pain. "The serum amplifies everything. Every sensation, every emotion, every—"
He cuts himself off by pressing his forehead to yours, and you can feel him trembling with the effort of holding back.
"Steve."
"I need—" His hand at your back shifts, slides around to span your ribs, thumb brushing the underside of your breast through your bra, and you both freeze. The touch is electric, sends sparks racing down your spine, pooling low in your belly. "Fuck, I need to touch you. Need to—please. Please, just let me—"
"Yeah." The word comes out embarrassingly breathy, but you don't care because his hands are already moving, already taking.
He spins you suddenly, presses your back against the door, and then his hands are everywhere. One slides up to cradle your throat—not squeezing, just holding, feeling your pulse flutter against his palm. The other pushes your shirt up, fingertips tracing your ribs like he's memorizing you through touch alone.
"So soft," he murmurs, and it sounds like prayer. "How are you so fucking soft?"
His thumb finds the hollow of your throat, presses gently, and your head falls back against the door. He makes a sound like you've killed him, and then his mouth is on your neck, open and hot and desperate. Still not kissing exactly—more like tasting, like he needs to experience you with every sense.
Your hands come up to clutch at his shoulders, and he crowds closer, presses you harder against the door. His thigh slides between yours, and the pressure makes you gasp, makes your hips cant forward involuntarily.
"That's it," he breathes against your throat. "Let me feel you. Let me—"
His hand at your throat slides down, palms the curve of your breast through your bra, and the sound you make is embarrassing and needy and you don't care because he echoes it, his hips pressing forward to pin you completely.
"Been dying," he confesses against your collarbone, words muffled by skin and want. "Every day, dying by inches. Watching you walk past, smelling your shampoo in the hallways, hearing your laugh and knowing I couldn't—"
"You could have." Your hands find his hair, tangle in the sweat-damp strands, and he groans. "This whole time, you could have—"
"No." He pulls back to look at you, and his pupils are blown so wide there's barely any blue left. "Would've destroyed you. Consumed you. The bond, the way I need you—it's not normal. It's not healthy."
"I don't care."
"You should." But even as he says it, his hand is sliding up your ribs again, fingertips tracing patterns that make you shiver. "You should be terrified of how much I want you. How much I need to—"
He cuts himself off, jaw clenching, but his body betrays him. His hips press forward, and you can feel him hard against your hip, can feel the way he's shaking with want.
"Show me," you breathe, and he makes a sound like you've shot him.
"You don't know what you're asking."
"Then show me."
His control snaps like a rubber band stretched past its limit.
His mouth finds yours with the kind of desperation that makes your knees buckle, and it's nothing like you imagined during those long, empty nights. Nothing soft or careful or sweet. This is drowning. This is Steve Rogers trying to climb inside your skin through your mouth, one hand fisted in your hair to angle your head exactly how he needs it, the other pressed flat between your shoulder blades like he's trying to fuse your chest to his.
His tongue slides against yours, hot and demanding, and you taste copper—blood from where he's bitten his lip raw—mixed with something that's just fundamentally him. Something that makes your brain short-circuit, makes you grab at his shoulders just to stay upright. The bond roars to life under your skin, weeks of rejection suddenly reversed, and the whimper that escapes you would be embarrassing if you could think past the electricity racing through your veins.
"Fuck," he breathes against your mouth, not really pulling back, just speaking the word into you like he needs you to swallow it. His teeth catch your bottom lip, tug just hard enough to make you gasp, and he uses the opportunity to lick deeper into your mouth, thorough and filthy and completely at odds with Captain America's public persona.
Your back hits the door harder as he presses closer, and you can feel how affected he is—the way his chest heaves against yours, the tremor in his hands, the hard length of him pressed against your hip. It's overwhelming and not enough, too much and not nearly—
"Perfect," he growls, breaking away just long enough to trail his mouth down your jaw, teeth scraping in a way that's definitely going to leave marks. "You're so fucking perfect. Do you have any idea—" His hand slides under your shirt, fingertips tracing your ribs like he's mapping you for memory, "—what you do to me? How many meetings I've had to leave because you walked by and I could smell you?"
"Steve." Your voice comes out wrecked, barely recognizable. Your hands are in his hair now, tugging probably too hard, but he groans like you've given him a gift.
"I know, sweetheart. I know." His mouth finds your pulse point and sucks, and your vision whites out for a second. "I've got you. Let me—just let me—"
His hands shift with purpose now, one sliding down to grip your hip hard enough to bruise, the other pushing your shirt up, up, until cool air hits your stomach. And then—Jesus Christ—he's dropping to his knees with a fluidity that shouldn't be possible for someone his size, pressing his mouth to the skin above your waistband like communion.
You look down and nearly combust. Captain America—Steve—on his knees in a supply closet, eyes closed like he's praying, pressing open-mouthed kisses to your stomach that are somehow both worshipful and obscene. His tongue traces the line where your pants sit low on your hips, and your hands fly to his shoulders because your legs have forgotten how to work.
"Should've been doing this for months," he murmurs against your hipbone, and you feel the words more than hear them, vibrating through skin and muscle and straight to your core. "Should've been worshipping you. Should've—" His voice cracks, and suddenly his arms are banded around your waist, his forehead pressed to your stomach like he's hiding. "That man today, when his bond broke—the sound he made—"
"Steve." You card your fingers through his hair, gentle this time, trying to soothe whatever demon is riding him. He shudders against you, full-body, and presses closer.
"I can't lose you." The words come out muffled by your skin, but the desperation in them is crystal clear. "I can't. I won't survive it."
"You won't lose me."
It's probably a lie. You're both in a dangerous line of work. People die. Bonds break. But right now, with him on his knees looking like you're the answer to every prayer he's never let himself voice, you'd promise him anything.
"Promise." His hands tighten on your waist, and when he looks up at you, his eyes are wild, desperate, nothing like the composed soldier the world knows. "Promise me."
"I promise."
He surges up and kisses you again, different this time. Still desperate but searching, like he's trying to memorize you—the shape of your mouth, the sound you make when his tongue slides against yours, the way you shake when his thumb brushes the underside of your breast through your bra. It's overwhelming in a different way, intensity without hurry, and you're dizzy with it, drunk on the sensation of being wanted this badly by someone who's spent months pretending you don't exist.
When he finally pulls back, you're both wrecked. His lips are swollen, slick, and his pupils are blown so wide there's barely any blue left. You probably look worse—you can feel your hair sticking to your face with sweat, your mouth tender and used.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, thumbs stroking your cheekbones with a gentleness that makes your chest ache. "For Brussels. For after. For being such a fucking coward."
"I know." You do. It doesn't fix anything, not yet, but you know.
"I'll make it up to you." His thumb traces your lower lip, and you can't help the way your tongue darts out to taste it, salt and skin and Steve. His breath hitches. "However long it takes."
"You can start now." It comes out more breathless than the sultry suggestion you were aiming for, but something about your desperation makes his eyes go dark again.
He laughs, rough and ruined, and presses one more kiss to your mouth—this one soft, almost chaste, if not for the way his hand tightens possessively in your hair.
"Tonight," he says, and it sounds like a prayer. "Let me—let me shower, change, become human again. And then dinner. Real dinner. Where I pick you up and we go somewhere and I don't run when the bond makes me feel everything."
"And if you run?" You're trying for threatening but it comes out vulnerable, scared. Because he's run before. He's so good at running.
His hand slides to your throat, not squeezing, just holding, thumb pressed to where your pulse hammers against your skin. "You have my full permission to hunt me down and make my life hell."
"I will." And you mean it. You're done being the one left behind, the one reaching for someone who's already gone.
"I'm counting on it."
He steps back, and the loss of contact hits like cold water. Your skin feels too tight, too sensitive, nerve endings firing confused signals—where is he, why isn't he touching us, bring him back. You can see him feeling it too, the way his hands clench and unclench at his sides, the way his body sways toward you like you've got your own gravitational pull.
"Tonight. Eight o'clock."
"Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"Next time you have a bad mission, come find me. Don't wait. Don't hide. Just—come find me."
Something in his expression cracks open, vulnerable and raw and so un-Captain America it makes your heart skip. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
He kisses you one more time—quick, fierce, a brand, a promise—and then he's gone, leaving you slumped against the door on legs that feel like jello. Your mouth is swollen, your skin still burning everywhere he touched, and you're pretty sure you've soaked through your underwear, but the bond...
For the first time in months, the bond doesn't ache.
It purrs.
It fucking purrs.
Tonight. Eight o'clock.
You're going to need a very long shower. And possibly a new pair of pants.
And maybe—just maybe—you're going to get what the universe has been trying to give you all along.
Even if you're not Peggy Carter. Even if you're just the consolation prize.
Right now, with the taste of him still on your tongue and bruises already forming on your hips in the shape of his fingers, you can't bring yourself to care.
"Tell me about Peggy," you say, and it comes out embarrassingly breathy because Steve's just shifted his hips in a way that makes stars explode behind your eyelids.
"Fuck." His hands tighten on your hips, fingers digging into soft flesh with bruising intensity. The pressure sends heat pooling low in your belly, makes your inner muscles flutter around him. "Can we... not?"
It's not the most unreasonable request in the world. He's inside you, after all, thick and perfect and stretching you in ways that make coherent thought impossible. You're straddling him on the couch, and he's maneuvering you exactly how he wants—one hand gripping your hip hard enough to leave fingerprints, the other splayed possessively across your lower back, controlling your rhythm with casual strength that makes you dizzy. Like you weigh nothing. Like you're his to position and please and wreck completely.
"Bucky says—"
A growl rumbles through his chest at the name, vibrating through your body where you're joined. His hand slides from your back to your throat in one fluid motion. Just resting there, feeling your pulse race beneath his palm. A reminder. A warning.
"Another man's name?" His voice is dark, edged with something primal that makes your stomach flip. "While I'm inside you?"
You gasp as he lifts you slightly, changes the angle, and your thighs shake with the effort of holding yourself up. "S-says she's the reason you stopped believing in soulmates."
Steve goes still. Not completely—he's still buried deep, still hard, still breathing like he's barely holding onto control—but his hands stop their restless movement, and his eyes snap to yours with something like exasperation mixed with disbelief.
"Are we really doing this?" His thumb presses against your pulse point, and you feel your heartbeat stutter. "You want to talk about someone else while I'm trying to fuck you through this couch?"
"I just—oh god—" Your train of thought derails as he rolls his hips up, deliberate and punishing, hitting that spot that makes your vision white out.
"What you need," he says, voice dropping to that Captain-giving-orders tone that should not work in this context but absolutely does, "is to stop overthinking and let me take care of you."
One hand slides up your spine to tangle in your hair, tugging just hard enough to make your neck arch, exposing your throat to his mouth. The other grips your hip, holding you still as he rolls his hips again, controlled and devastating.
"She wasn't my soulmate." The words are pressed hot against your throat between open-mouthed kisses that feel more like claims. "Loved her, yes. A long time ago. Thought I'd marry her if I survived the war. But she wasn't mine."
His teeth graze your collarbone, and your whole body shudders, nerve endings singing. The bond between you pulses with each heartbeat, amplifying every sensation until you can't tell if the pleasure is yours or his or some perfect fusion of both.
"Not the way you are." His hand in your hair tightens, forces you to meet his eyes. They're blown dark, barely any blue remaining. "Not even close to the way you are."
"But—"
"Sweetheart." He stops moving entirely, and you make a sound of protest that would mortify you if you could think past the need coiling tight in your belly. "Listen very carefully, because I'm only saying this once."
His hand leaves your throat to frame your face, thumb stroking across your cheekbone with gentleness that contrasts sharply with the possessive grip in your hair.
"She chose someone else. Her actual soulmate. And yeah, it messed me up. Made me think the universe was laughing at me." His hips flex slightly, involuntarily, and you both gasp. "But you know what I realized?"
"What?" The word comes out wrecked, barely audible.
"The universe wasn't wrong. I was." He releases your hair only to grip the back of your neck, holding you steady as he starts to move again, slow and deep and deliberate and exquisite. "I wasn't meant for that time. If she'd been my soulmate, I'd have stayed in the forties. Lived a quiet life. Had the house and the kids and the picket fence."
"That sounds—"
"Like everything I thought I wanted," he agrees, punctuating the words with a particularly deep thrust that has you seeing stars. "Until I woke up here. Until you walked into that briefing room two years ago, looking so goddamn competent and untouchable, and my body knew you were mine before my brain could catch up."
Your nails dig into his shoulders as he picks up the pace, and you feel his pleasure spike through the bond, mixing with yours until you can't separate them.
"I fought belonging here for so long," he continues, voice getting rougher, more breathless. "But you—Christ, you make me want to stay. Make me grateful the ice gave me you instead of her."
"Steve—"
"That’s it, sweetheart. No more names but mine," he commands, and then he's kissing you, deep and claiming and filthy. His tongue slides against yours, and you taste desperation and possession and something that feels dangerously close to devotion. When he pulls back, you're both panting. "And I want to keep hearing it. Preferably screamed."
You nod, words beyond you, and something dark and satisfied flashes across his face.
"Good girl."
The praise shoots straight through you, makes your cunt clench around him. He groans, forehead dropping to your shoulder, and his control finally, blessedly shatters.
He fucks up into you with purpose now, each thrust deliberate and devastating. His hands are everywhere—gripping your hips, sliding up your ribs, palming your breasts with possessive familiarity. Every touch feels magnified, the soul bond amplifying sensation until you're drowning in it. You can feel his pleasure mixing with yours, feeding back on itself in an endless loop that has you both gasping, clutching at each other like you might dissolve without the anchor of skin on skin.
"This is what I think about," he confesses against your throat, words punctuated by the snap of his hips. "Not the past. Not her. You. Always you. How you feel around me, how you taste, the sounds you make when you're close."
Your nails rake down his back hard enough to leave marks, and he hisses, the pain-pleasure bleeding through the bond making you both groan.
"The serum," he pants, rhythm getting erratic. "Fuck, the goddamn serum makes everything more intense. Every touch, every—I can feel you everywhere. In my blood, in my bones. Under my skin where I couldn't get you out even if I wanted to."
"Don't want you to," you manage, chasing your release, that coil in your belly wound so tight you might shatter.
"Never." It's a vow pressed into your skin with teeth and tongue. "Never letting you go. Mine. My soulmate, my—fuck, I'm close—"
His hand slides between your bodies, thumb finding your clit with unerring accuracy, and you're gone. The orgasm crashes over you like a tidal wave, pleasure so intense it borders on transcendent. You do scream his name, just like he wanted, and he follows you over, your name on his lips like a prayer, his hands holding you against him like you might evaporate if he loosens his grip.
You collapse against his chest, both of you panting, sweat-slick and trembling. The bond hums between you, satisfied and warm, and for the first time in months, you feel whole.
"So," you say once you can form words again, unable to help yourself, "just to be clear—"
He flips you suddenly, pressing your back into the couch cushions, and the predatory look in his eyes makes your breath catch. He's still hard, still inside you, and when he rolls his hips experimentally, you both groan.
"You want clarity?" His voice is dark, promising. He hitches your leg higher around his waist, slides deeper, and your head falls back. "Let me be very, very clear."
He pulls almost all the way out, then slides back in with devastating slowness, making you feel every inch.
"You are the only person I think about," he says, setting a rhythm that's slow and deep and intentional. "The only person I want. The only person who's ever made me grateful to be exactly where I am, when I am."
His hand slides up your thigh, grips behind your knee to open you wider, and the new angle has you gasping, clutching at his shoulders.
"The past is the past," he continues, voice steady despite the way his control is visibly fraying, tendons standing out in his neck. "And I plan to spend my future making up for lost time. Starting now."
"Steve—"
"That's it," he praises when you say his name, and rewards you with a particularly deep thrust that has your back arching off the couch. "Just like that. Let me show you exactly how not hung up on the past I am."
And he does.
Thoroughly.
By the time he's finally satisfied you understand, you've forgotten not just her name, but your own. The only thing that exists is him, the bond between you singing with contentment, and the absolute certainty that the universe knew exactly what it was doing.
Even if it took Steve Rogers seven decades to appreciate the gift.
Hiii i absolutely love your writing and you seem like such a good person tbh, you have a lot of talent.
Do you have any fic / one shots recommendations of bucky? Literally Anywhere i need new things to readdd and there aren’t many bucky writers. If you don’t have any or you don’t feel like telling them it’s okay btw
hello sweet anon you are so kind mwah mwah MWAH thank you for your kind message <3
oh boy DO I HAVE FIC RECS ?!!! DO I HAVE FIC RECS!!!?!!
yes :3
i actually started a fic rec blog last night if anyone’s interested in that LMFAOOO— @desperatelycosmic
here are some of my favorites writers and fics that i cannot stop thinking of below the cut:
@artficlly
- lessons in love making
- this is [not] okay
- the art of pretending
- show me again
- close quarters
this writer actually was the reason i ended up opening my blog a month and a half ago. i kept re-reading her work and said okay My Turn. i love her. i just love the slow burn and tension that she writes— it’s like a conductor building up to a crescendo and when it finally comes forth it breaks the dam in a satisfying release of fortissimo and resolution. her entire masterlist is art(ficlly haha) but these are my favorite works of hers
@mcrdvcks
- electric touch
i love secret wife tropes. so much. you don’t FUCKING GET IT
@rosesaints
- when the sun hits (it matters where you are)
i read this last night before bed and it was like the perfect bedtime story had me kicking my mf feet and giggling to myself
@brokenbarnes
- kneel
i love when writers write vulnerable bucky RIGHT. it fuels my spirit
@buckyseternaldoll
- sergeant’s magic mouth
this is just self indulgent and had me kicking my feet and giggling i’m ngl. i love when bucky is written to not understand modern dating slang
@danysdaughter
- come home to me, part 1&2
JESUS CHRIST. this was so good. i have to go back and re-read this duology every once in a while to feel something reignite my soul
- confidential affairs
i love. congressman bucky barnes and personal assistant reader. something about it just scratches my brain the right way
@cheekybarnes
- pressure points
- promise without ceremony
i love. this author. with all my heart. the yearning. the desire. i aspire to be cheekybarnes when i grow up
part of my tbr list:
save me tonight - @barnes-babydoll
letters through time - @buckysleftbicep
the quiet side of thunder - @fawniswriting
in the woods - @daddyjackfrost
pairing: bucky barnes x emergency room nurse!reader
summary: it’s your name, written in the soft fog of his breath. and his name, traced endlessly across your skin. you've always been meant to cross paths this way. (soulmate au!)
word count: 11.4k words
content warnings: 18+ mdni, fem reader, praising, piv, overstimulation, shower sex, creampie, face riding, dirty talk, ungodly levels of yearning, mentions of violence and clinical situations, death, explores heavy themes
You’ve gotten very good at waking up without hope over the years.
Your alarm goes off at 4:48 a.m. because you refuse to wake up on the hour like everyone else. It’s a small rebellion—pointless, probably, but in a life built from shifts and protocol, those twelve minutes feel like something you own.
The soulmark itches before you even lift the blankets. You don’t touch it. Haven’t in years. It rests on your left side, just under the ribs, where your arm folds when you cradle a patient or scrub blood from your skin. The name’s still there. James Buchanan Barnes. Etched like a brand.
You learned to stop reading it a long time ago.
You were thirteen the first time you felt it — not the weight of it, not really, but the press of inevitability. The skin just under your ribs itched for three days straight, and no matter how you scratched, how you pressed cold washcloths to it or distracted yourself with school or swimming or the terrifying newness of puberty, it pulsed with the promise of something you couldn’t name.
"Maybe you're allergic to something," your mom said, more distracted than concerned, passing you a bottle of calamine lotion while balancing a phone call.
Then, the name came in the middle of the night.
You’d woken up disoriented, not from a nightmare exactly, but from the sense that something had shifted. That your body was no longer just your own.
You pulled up your pajama shirt with trembling hands, stomach flipped inside out with something like fear. Or awe. And there it was, written in a careful, antique script like it had always been there — James Buchanan Barnes.
You said it out loud. Just once. Just to see if it sounded real.
The next morning, you pretended to look up World War II details for an eighth-grade project. Typed his name into Google with fingers that wouldn't stop shaking.
This—this definitely wasn't what you were expecting. You were expecting someone… someone at least closer in age, someone who was maybe going through the same strenuous expectations of middle school, someone… someone who was alive.
It was underwhelming at first. Just a name. A war vet. Deceased. You didn't think you'd find him so easily. You spiraled past Wikipedia into forums your school firewall probably would’ve blocked if they knew what they were doing. You dug deeper. Wikipedia spiraled into conspiracy forums. Articles turned into footnotes, turned into theories, turned into pictures. Redacted documents. Old photographs.
That was when your chest started to ache.
He wasn’t a boy.
He wasn’t even a man in the way people are alive.
He was history, frozen in sepia. James Buchanan Barnes, colloquially know as Bucky, a soldier, missing in action. You found an old black-and-white photo with him half smiling in uniform, arm slung casually around the Captain America's shoulders, and your throat closed like you’d been punched from the inside. Because he looked real. Not just an idea, not just a ghost.
And you loved him. You didn’t mean to. But there it was.
That summer, you begged your parents to take you to D.C. "For the exhibits," you said. "The history. Please."
You cried in the car. Your mom reached back and handed you a bottle of water. “Carsick?” she asked.
"Yeah," you lied, watching trees blur past as the pit in your stomach grew deeper.
At the Smithsonian, your eyes scanned every exhibit like you were searching for a face in a crowd. You found him in a war display—just a photo, again. Yellowed and framed. A plaque. Sergeant Barnes. You stood there too long. An older woman beside you glanced over, then away, probably confused as to why this pre-teen was staring at the display with such fervent intensity.
You didn’t touch your mark.
Not there. Not in public. But you felt it, a phantom pulse echoing under your ribs. Like it knew. Like it missed him too.
That was the first time you understood what it meant to lose something before you ever had it. To mourn a future that could never come.
That summer, you grieved a stranger.
The rest of those months passed in a fog. Friends talked about boy bands and sleepaway camps and the boy from seventh grade who cried during dodgeball. You started reading old war journals and relics and Stark experiments just to feel closer to a time you’d missed. By the start of the school year, you'd already gone through your U.S. History syllabus and back.
At night, you lay awake imagining what it would’ve been like to meet him before the fall. What you’d say. If he’d be kind. If he’d recognize you.
If he’d regret it.
By sixteen, you had your mind made up. Not because you wanted to save people—though you did—but because it felt like the only thing that made sense. Something tethered. Something present. You’d learned how to triage your own feelings, how to hold grief without crumbling under it. ER nursing made too much sense. You wanted the immediacy. The clarity of purpose. The adrenaline to chase out the what-ifs.
You told your guidance counselor it was about the job stability.
You didn’t say that you needed a life that moved fast enough to keep you from looking back.
You got good at it. Fast. Precise. Reliable. The type of person they called first when a kid came in coding, when someone’s chest had to be cracked open at bedside. You learned how to operate under pressure. How to compartmentalize. You learned to move toward chaos, not away from it.
And eventually, you stopped looking at the name. Not because it faded—it never did—but because it became too familiar. Like a scar. Like an old story you didn’t tell anymore, because no one would believe it.
Because you hardly believed it yourself.
.
You peel yourself out of bed, step into the shower. The water doesn’t stay hot for long, but you don’t need it to. You just need enough heat to convince your muscles to move, your brain to stop stalling. The morning ritual is muscle memory now: shampoo, rinse, conditioner (leave-in), scrub your face, try not to look at yourself too closely. By the time you’re dressed and out the door, you’ve spoken zero words and swallowed two ibuprofen with the stale dregs of yesterday’s coffee.
The drive to the hospital is quiet, but not peaceful.
The city’s in that strange twilight lull between night and morning, where the drunks have staggered home and the nine-to-fivers haven’t yet left their beds. It feels like a ghost town with too many ghosts. Some days, you swear the silence carries weight. Residual grief, maybe.
You park in the far corner of the lot because the closer spaces are already claimed by the truly unwell—nurses who never go home, residents who sleep in call rooms, attendings who live to round. You used to be like them. You’ve grown out of the martyrdom. Or maybe you’ve just run out of energy to perform it.
The hospital doesn’t smell like death, not exactly. It smells like ammonia and latex and that synthetic lemon cleaner that’s supposed to mask the rest. You wave to the front desk nurse, badge in, and clock your shift the way you have every day for the last six years.
Your soulmark is never mentioned. Not because people don’t see it, though you keep it hidden well, but because no one talks about soulmarks anymore. It’s passé. Soulmate matching used to be romantic. Now it’s considered a statistical liability. There are support groups for people like you, sure, but they mostly spiral into grief therapy and long-winded self-help monologues. You tried one once. A woman wept about her soulmate dying in Sokovia. Another talked about her mark changing. Yours never did.
Soulmate politics are complicated now. Too many anomalies. Too many cases like yours.
There’s a thread on Reddit dedicated to soulmarks tied to dangerous people. Super soldiers. Villains. Politically gray mercenaries. Your name—his name—comes up sometimes. You don’t engage. You lurk. Scroll through the comments. Watch strangers try to figure out what they’d do if it were them.
The consensus always boils down to one thing: If your soulmate is a killer, you have a moral obligation to reject the bond.
You don’t know if you agree. You don’t know if you disagree either.
Most days, you just ignore it.
Your shift starts like any other. A stabbing. A toddler with a fever. An elderly man who doesn’t remember how he got here. The trauma bay gets two back-to-back ambulance drop-offs, both from the same freeway accident. The paramedics hand off a broken woman in pieces. You get her on oxygen. You get her to CT. You get her prepped for surgery. You don’t think about her name, or her face, or what might’ve been the last thing she said.
You think about the steps. You think about the chart.
This is what makes you good at your job.
You care. You just don’t let it show anymore.
Lunchtime—if you can dignify that title with a limp vending machine sandwich and fifteen minutes of couch—is spent in the staff lounge, watching reruns of The Great British Bake Off with the volume off. The man on screen is assembling an architectural sponge cake. You feel emotionally invested. Mostly because you think it might collapse.
One of your colleagues—Zoya, you think, though you’ve never quite decided if you like her or not—slides onto the couch beside you with the weary grace of someone who’s been on her feet for nine hours. She’s got a protein bar in one hand and her phone in the other.
“I read the polls,” she says, chewing like the bar personally insulted her. “People are actually fired up this time around.”
You hum in response. Noncommittal. You don’t take the bait.
“They say Barnes is running for Congress,” she adds casually, eyes flicking sideways toward you. “That surprises me. Who woulda thought?”
You don’t blink. Don’t flinch. Just peel a piece of lettuce off your sandwich like it’s offended you. “Guess being an Avenger's not the high-paying career it used to be.”
Zoya snorts. “Seriously. You think he’s for real?”
You lift one shoulder. “I think I’ve seen stranger things on C-SPAN.”
She lets out a low whistle. “Still wild, though. Imagine finding out your soulmate is, like… that guy.”
You glance at her. Smile. Tight. Unreadable. “Yeah,” you say. “Imagine.”
She doesn’t press. You both go back to watching a woman on screen cry over underbaked choux pastry.
It’s easy now. Easier than it used to be. Pretending he doesn’t matter. Pretending you don’t know his voice by heart. Don’t remember the way your mark burned that day in the laundromat. Don’t still check the news for his name the way other people check the weather. It’s a skill.
And like all your best skills, it was learned the hard way.
.
When you get home that night, your legs ache, and your stomach hurts from too much caffeine and not enough food. You drop your bag on the couch, toe off your shoes, and stand in the middle of your kitchen for ten full seconds trying to remember what it means to rest.
Your phone buzzes on the counter. A missed call. Your ex. You don’t call back.
Instead, you go to the sink, wash your hands out of habit, and glance down at the faint outline of the mark under your scrub top.
You trace it, just once. Not enough to mean anything.
Just enough to remember that it’s still there.
.
You were twenty-four when you first saw his face in motion. In reality.
It was a Tuesday. You remember because it was your one day off that month, and you’d spent most of it in a laundromat trying to get the smell of bile and bleach out of your scrubs. You were curled up on the plastic bench by the window, still damp from rain, watching a battered flatscreen overhead.
BREAKING NEWS: GLOBAL MANHUNT UNDERWAY FOR FORMER SOVIET ASSASSIN.
You didn’t flinch when the words came up. At first, they didn’t mean anything. But then the photo appeared, grainy and indistinct—a security cam freeze-frame. Dark jacket, metal arm, face caught mid-motion.
There he was. James Buchanan Barnes.
You felt it like a punch. Air gone. Sound sucked from the room. Your hands tightened around a bottle of Tide.
They said he bombed the Vienna International Centre. Killed a king. Injured dozens. Your brain refused the narrative, but not because you knew better. You didn’t. It was just … incongruent. Cognitive dissonance. You couldn’t square the name on your skin with the cold, feral man on the screen. But that didn’t stop you from watching.
You didn’t leave the laundromat. You sat there long after your clothes finished drying. Hours, maybe. Absorbing every second of the footage. Reading every chyron.
You watched the raw surveillance clips when they hit the web—him running, being chased, fighting like something born in a lab. Like something not quite real.
And then, all at once, the world tilted.
He was real.
Not a myth. Not a name in a book or a mark burned into your side to haunt you. Real. He was breathing the same air, walking the same crumbling sidewalks, looking over his shoulder beneath the same indifferent sky. There was this thrumming under your skin—louder than your heartbeat, sharper than breath—that said he's alive. Not long-dead. Not lost to time. But here. On this earth. Behind your eyes. And somehow, you had to keep living like that wasn’t the most destabilizing fact you’d ever known.
You memorized the cadence of how people said his name.
At some point, you realized you were shaking.
That week, your mother called, like she always did. You didn’t tell her. She asked how work was. You said fine. She asked if you’d seen the news. You said you hadn’t.
You started keeping your left side covered, even in the shower.
In the weeks that followed, he became a name everyone knew. The Winter Soldier. The media dug up every blurry photo from seventy years of history, every CIA leak, every whisper in a dossier. You catalogued them without meaning to. It wasn’t obsession. Not exactly. It was survival.
Then came the reveal: it wasn’t him. Not exactly. Not only him.
Mind control, they said. Brainwashed. Hydra.
You read the words like they were gospel. Like they explained something they didn’t. Like they offered you absolution by proxy. You hated that you wanted to believe it so badly. You hated how much of yourself you saw in the hollow of his eyes when he was caught on camera again—restrained, confused, a man unraveling.
You hated that you understood it.
.
Then came the Blip.
The morning the sky broke, you were in trauma bay three with a man who’d been impaled on a metal pipe. You blinked, and he was gone. Just … gone. The pipe, slick with his blood, clanged against the floor, still warm. Your brain froze. Your hands kept moving.
Your friend Ashley vanished mid-joke during lunch break. Half your ER staff was gone by the end of the day. You worked thirteen more hours without blinking. You only remembered bits—someone screaming in the stairwell. Someone trying to break into the pharmacy. A girl with burns and no parents left to consent to treatment. You remember the air smelling like copper and panic. The vending machines ran out by day two.
When you finally got home, your building was quiet. Too quiet. The streets were deserted, eerie and raw like the aftermath of a dream you couldn't fully wake up from. Someone had looted the gas station across the street. You stepped over broken glass to get inside.
You turned on the TV. Sat down on the floor. Let the flickering images wash over you in silence. Aerial shots of cars abandoned mid-commute. Apartment buildings full of empty beds. Hospitals choked with the chaos of subtraction.
Then his name came up. Just for a moment. In a reel of the missing.
James Buchanan Barnes. Missing. Presumed dust. It seems like the world would never get tired of those three words recurring in your life like a sick joke, like a sucker punch.
You knew it before they even confirmed it. Knew it in your bones. The soulmark burned for days after. A phantom itch. A psychic scream. You whispered to the room, “No. No, no, no—”
You didn’t go to work the day they called it. That he was gone. That it wasn’t speculation anymore.
You called out sick, which you never did. Stayed under the covers with your curtains drawn and your phone turned facedown. You didn’t cry. Not in the way that would’ve felt cathartic. There was no release. Just weight. A steady pressure under your sternum, like your lungs were packed too tight with silence.
Grief like that doesn’t come all at once. It drips. Slow. Insidious. A lifetime’s worth of maybes collecting in your throat.
You tried to tell yourself he wasn’t yours.
That you didn’t know him.
That the mark didn’t mean anything.
That you didn’t feel the loss like your own skin folding in on itself.
But you stopped wearing crop tops after that. Stopped sleeping on your left side. Stopped reading the news altogether, because every time they mentioned his name—even in passing—it felt like someone reaching inside your chest to twist the knife, just to see if you’d bleed.
Your friends thought you were just burned out. Work was hard. Everyone was struggling.
“Have you tried meditating?” someone asked once.
“Have you tried shutting the fuck up?” you almost said. Instead you smiled. Said you were fine. You let them believe it.
You threw yourself into the ER. Picked up extra shifts. Took on the worst cases. Became the one they called for the ugly ones—the resuscitations that didn’t work, the organ donors, the impossible parents waiting for bad news. It gave your hands something to do. Gave your grief a mask.
You were so good at pretending you didn’t care that even you started to believe it.
But sometimes, on the drive home—when the city was too quiet and the sky too empty—you caught yourself glancing at the passenger seat like someone should be there. Like you’d forgotten to pick him up.
You imagined what he’d be like. Not the soldier. Not the assassin. Not the man they called the Winter Soldier like he was myth, not bone.
Just… a person.
Would he have been quiet in the mornings? Would he have let you take the last piece of toast? Would he have liked dogs? Would he have hated how sterile hospitals feel? Would he have looked at you like your name was written on him, too?
The mark never faded. You used to check. Stupidly. Desperately. You read somewhere once that when a soulmate dies, the mark vanishes. But yours didn’t. Not even a little. It stayed sharp. Clear. Unforgiving.
You don’t know if that made it better or worse.
All you knew was this: it didn’t matter if the world called him a ghost. He was real to you.
And he was gone.
And you had to go to work tomorrow, like none of it ever mattered.
.
Time passed. You got used to the silence.
Then, five years later, he came back.
Just like that.
No fanfare. No press release. Just a name in a sea of billions. Alive again. Somewhere in the world.
You didn’t sleep for three days after that either.
.
He resurfaced differently this time. Tactically invisible. Not a headline anymore. Then, out of nowhere—a year or two later—he announced his candidacy for Congress.
You nearly laughed. Not because it was funny. But because it felt so surreal, so absurdly mundane, that your brain short-circuited. It had been three back-to-back 12-hour night shifts. Your scrubs still smelled faintly of antiseptic and vending machine coffee. Your eyes burned. Your feet hurt. And there he was—your mark, your ghost—printed five feet tall next to a mattress ad.
You stared. Read the copy three times. Just to be sure it wasn’t a hallucination.
You told yourself not to look him up. Then you got home and did it anyway.
His campaign site was minimal. No donation pop-ups, no splashy endorsements. Just a simple landing page, a schedule of town halls, and a single embedded video labeled Why I’m Running.
You clicked play.
It started with silence. Then the low rasp of his voice, steadier now, filled your apartment.
“I’m not here to pretend I’ve always done the right thing,” he said. “I’m not here to sell redemption. Just accountability. I’ve seen what happens when systems break, when good people fall through the cracks. And I believe we can build better.”
There were no slogans. No party jargon. Just him, seated on a worn bench near a city garden, hair shorter than you remembered, jaw shadowed with a few days’ growth. Still armored, but softer. Realer. He didn’t mention soulmarks. Or the war. Or the weight of being a name that history couldn’t agree on.
But he didn’t need to.
You watched the video twice. Then again the next night.
And you didn’t vote for him.
You didn’t vote against him either.
You just… waited. Watched. Tracked the polls like you were taking a patient’s vitals. Checked for signs of movement. Hoped it wouldn’t all combust before the finish line.
When he won by 6.4%, you sat in your dark apartment, phone lit in your palm, and felt something in your chest go still. Not relief. Not pride. Just… a strange, anchored kind of knowing.
He was out there. Alive. Choosing something. Choosing this.
And somehow, that meant something to you, too.
.
You still don’t talk about it. But every so often, you read the transcripts from his interviews. You pretend it’s because he talks about legislation affecting healthcare infrastructure. It isn’t.
You’ve never reached out. Never driven past one of his town halls. Never liked a single post.
But you know which office he holds. You know the hours of his community clinic situated right by the VA. You know what color his suit was the day he was sworn in.
The name on your ribs has not changed. It probably never will.
And maybe he’s never thought of you at all.
It starts with a nosebleed.
You’re just off shift. Third one this week. Your badge is clipped to your hip, your hands smell like latex and soap, and your brain is somewhere between REM and resignation. You’re half-waiting for the crosswalk light to change when you see a man slump against the side of the public library and slide down like his bones have given up.
At first, you think: drunk. Happens more than you’d like to admit, and it's Brooklyn you're talking about. But then you see the way his hand curls against his thigh—controlled, but shaky—and the tight set of his jaw. His suit is immaculate. Not a homeless guy. Not a junkie. And that look on his face? That’s not intoxication.
That’s pain.
You cross the street. Instinct before thought.
“Hey,” you call, crouching near him. “You okay?”
He looks up. There’s a beat—half-second, maybe less—where neither of you speaks. His eyes are blue. Really blue. And he’s not just handsome, he’s specific. Recognizable in a way that drops into your stomach like a lead weight.
You know who he is. You've spent half your life committing him to memory, watching him coming and going like a revolving door.
Selfishly, instinctively, you can't help but glance down at his left hand—covered by a glove. He notices, shifting slightly, uncomfortably.
Finally, he blinks. “I’m—yeah. Fine.”
“That’s a lie,” you say, because you’re too tired to be polite. “You’re about to pass out. I’m guessing low blood sugar. Maybe dehydration.”
He breathes through his nose like it’s an old habit, like he’s used to being clocked and is choosing not to bristle. “I was just at a council meeting. Forgot to eat.”
“Drink anything?”
“Two coffees and a Red Bull.”
You stare at him. “Jesus Christ.”
His mouth twitches. Just barely. “I didn’t say it was a good idea.”
You glance around. It’s midday. Plenty of foot traffic, but no one’s stopped to help him. Of course not. Most people pretend not to see, even if he's a U.S. representative who's helped save the world a handful of times. New Yorkers have learned to mind their own business these past couple of years.
“Alright, Mr. Barnes,” you say, because you don’t want to say James or Bucky, not the name etched on your skin. “Can you stand up?”
He lifts an eyebrow. “You know who I am?”
You consider lying. “Yeah.”
His expression doesn’t change, but something in him goes still. A readjustment. Like he’s running probabilities behind the curtain of his eyes.
“And you still came over,” he says.
“Don’t take it personally. It's my civic duty; I’d help a mediocre politician too if they were about to eat pavement.”
A snort. Then, with the faintest tilt of his head: “Lucky me.”
You help him to his feet. He leans on the wall. Doesn’t quite use you for balance, though you think he might want to. You guide him into the nearest air-conditioned bodega and deposit him on a bench near the pharmacy counter. Buy two bottles of Gatorade and a protein bar. You don’t ask for reimbursement.
He drinks like it hurts to swallow. Like he’s out of practice with kindness.
“Thanks,” he says. Eventually.
You nod, sitting on the far end of the bench. “You should probably have a handler.”
“I do,” he says dryly. “She left five minutes before I remembered I hadn’t eaten.”
You glance at him sidelong. “So what, she’s in the wind?”
“Texted her,” he replies. “Told her I was fine.”
“You always lie to the people trying to keep you alive?”
Something flickers at that—too fast to name. “Sometimes.”
A silence settles. Not uncomfortable, exactly. But charged.
You glance down at your hands, then back at him. “Do you get nosebleeds a lot?”
“Not usually.”
“Good. If it starts again, you’re going to the hospital.”
His smile this time is faint, but real. He takes a glance at your scrubs, gears turning in his head. “You work there?”
“Yeah.”
“Doctor?”
“Nurse.”
He gives a little hum. “Makes sense.”
You frown. “Why?”
“Because you didn’t flinch.”
The statement lands oddly. “New Yorkers don’t usually flinch at guys hunched against the wall mid-day.”
“Not that,” he says. “Me.”
You meet his gaze. Don’t look away. “Well. Maybe they should.”
He stares at you for a long moment. You get the sense he’s parsing something. Not calculating. Listening. Not just to what you said, but how you said it.
“You didn’t tell me your name,” he says.
You open your mouth. Then close it.
And for the first time in your life, you think: If I tell him, he’ll know.
You’re not sure what scares you more. Him knowing. Or him not.
He notices the hesitation. His eyes drop—unintentionally, you think—toward your ribs. Just a flicker.
You say, quietly, “Don’t do that.”
He nods once. Doesn’t ask again.
Another moment passes. You hand him the rest of the protein bar.
He doesn’t say thank you again. He just eats it.
Eventually, he stands. A little steadier now. You watch him check his phone. You think he might offer to walk you somewhere, but he doesn’t.
Instead, he looks at you like he’s memorizing something. Then:
“You know,” he says, “there was a time I thought she’d be dead.”
Your heart skips.
You try to sound normal. “Who?”
He doesn’t smile. Not this time. Just studies your face.
“My soulmate.”
You freeze.
“Figured she’d died during the Blip,” he continues. “Or worse. Thought I felt it. But I came back and the mark was still there. So. Who knows.”
You inhale slowly. “What would you have done if it was gone?”
“Moved on,” he says.
You nod. Try to play it off. “That easy, huh?”
“No.” His voice drops a register. “But I would’ve had to.”
Silence again. He exhales. Checks the time. Nods once.
“Well,” he says. “Thanks for saving me from an embarrassing death outside a library.”
You stand too. “Wasn’t gonna let a congressman die on my watch, Mr. Barnes."
He gives a lopsided smile, and suddenly, you see a flicker of that man you saw in the Smithsonian all those years ago. “Call me Bucky. I'm just a guy, today.”
Then, softer: “See you around.”
You don’t say anything. Just watch him go.
When you finally look down at your ribs, you expect the name to be glowing or bleeding or something dramatic.
It isn’t.
It’s just there. Quiet. Permanent.
.
You don’t see Bucky again for months. He's gone from James Buchanan Barnes to Bucky, and it feels like foreign territory.
Not in person.
You follow his trajectory the way you follow the weather—warily, with one eye on the exit. A year into being entrenched in politics, and he gets pulled into a team, a superhero one, nonetheless. The new Avengers become a household name, or something close to it. You don’t pay for the streams, but you hear the headlines. They’re sent in to handle things that the rest of the government won’t touch. Places too messy. People too expendable.
Their first mission didn't have a name. Just a black void on every screen.
For New York, it was basically another Tuesday.
It starts mid-shift.
You’re in the middle of helping intubate someone when the power flickers—just once, like the building’s held its breath. Everyone stops. Monitors beep a half-second late. The trauma bay lights blink. Then come back. Then cut out again.
You keep your hands steady. Overhead, a resident says, “Is it just us?”
Someone else says, “No, it’s the whole block.”
And then your phone buzzes.
Not a call. A national alert.
EMERGENCY ALERT: ANOMALOUS EVENT IN PROGRESS. SEEK SHELTER.
You finish the procedure anyway. You don’t panic. You don’t run. You switch to battery-powered floodlights and keep your mask on. That’s the thing about being on the inside when the world starts to fall apart. You don’t get to pause.
Outside, the sky changes. It turns the color of old bruises. A gash opens above the skyline—wide, black, impossibly still. Something like a mouth. Something worse.
They call it the Void later. You never see it in person. Not really. You just feel the air change, the pressure drop. You feel the way every patient suddenly stops bleeding. The way everyone holds their breath.
And then, hours later, the lights flicker back on.
The void collapses into itself like it was never there.
And just like that, you keep working.
Afterward, the news trickles in. Bucky was there. Of course he was. He and the others were part of whatever last-ditch plan got the void to close. Whatever sacrifices were made, they’re classified. What isn’t: the look on his face when they put him on the podium afterward.
You watch it from the break room, over a vending machine lunch.
The new Avengers are announced. Not the old guard. A stitched-together lineup of whoever’s left, whoever didn’t run, whoever’s willing to keep showing up.
Bucky stands at the edge of the stage.
He looks like a man being honored at his own funeral.
You watch the broadcast until it ends.
You don’t say a word.
.
Two weeks later, you run into him again. And it’s so dumb, so ordinary, you don’t even realize what’s happening until you’ve already said yes.
You’re coming out of the pharmacy with three days’ worth of migraine pills and a jug of Pedialyte, and he’s just… there. Baseball cap, dark coat, looking like he hasn’t shaved in a week. The glove's off, his metal hand shining under the sterile lights. He spots you before you spot him.
“Hey,” he says, not quite surprised. “Funny seeing you here.”
You squint. “You okay?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing.”
You glance down at the bag in your hand. “Pharmacy run.”
He nods. “I’m heading to get coffee. Want one?”
You open your mouth. Pause. And then, God help you, you say, “Yeah. Sure.”
You don’t talk about the void.
You talk about everything but.
The café is half-empty. He orders a black coffee and a lemon poppy seed muffin like someone trying to prove they’re still human. You ask for a chai. He insists on paying.
You sit across from each other, not touching. Not leaning. But there’s something in the air between you—charged, familiar. Like a room you’ve walked into before in a dream.
“Still at the hospital?” he asks.
“Yeah. We don’t really get to retire. Or take vacations.”
“That’s a shame.”
You shrug. “It’s a calling. Or a curse. Not sure.”
“I know the feeling.”
You sip your chai. He breaks the muffin in half and doesn’t eat it.
There’s a pause. Then—
“You never told me your name,” he says again. Not quite a question.
You watch him. Something in your chest thuds like recognition.
You set your cup down.
“I didn’t think you wanted it.”
He blinks. “Why wouldn’t I?”
You glance at the window, at the people outside walking past like none of this matters. Like the world didn’t almost end. Like the two of you aren’t teetering on some invisible edge.
“I don’t know,” you say finally. “Because you didn’t press.”
He doesn’t speak for a second. Just watches you, something gentle and old in his eyes.
Then he smiles. Soft. A little tired.
“Because I wanted you to give it when you were ready.”
The silence between you shifts. Not heavier. Just realer.
You say your name.
It fills the air between you like a quiet truth.
He breathes it in like it means something.
“Can I see you again?” he asks.
Your throat tightens. But your voice stays steady.
“Yeah,” you say. “I think you can.”
You don’t say anything as you leave the café. Just nod goodbye and let the door close between you. But later, when you replay the afternoon in your mind, it lingers. The quiet between words. The fact that he didn’t ask to see the mark. That he didn’t flinch.
The fact that when you said your name, it felt like exhaling. You don’t expect to see him again so soon. Not really.
But you do.
Twice that week, by accident.
First, it's after an especially gruelling night shift. The sun's barely even peeking through the trees yet, and you're covered in miscellaneous bodily fluids and there's bags under your eyes that weigh you down. Outside the bodega near your building, where you planned on getting bread and bananas and off-brand electrolyte packets. He’s coming out with a six-pack of seltzer and one of those microwave dinners that scream I-don’t-trust-a-stove as you're coming in. You nod at each other, and, looking down at your scrubs and your state, he asks if you just got done.
You nod. "Every Tuesday at 7 AM."
He asks how your shift went. You lie and say easy. He doesn’t call you on it.
The second time, you’re on a park bench halfway through a sandwich you don’t want, getting some much-needed air during your lunch break when a shadow falls across your lap.
It’s him, in jeans and a threadbare henley, hair mussed like he slept wrong. It's oddly domestic. You resist the urge to tuck a stray strand behind his ear. “Didn’t take you for a turkey club kind of girl,” he says, like this is the kind of thing you’ve always talked about. You offer him half without thinking. He takes it.
It’s not every day. Not even often. But you start to spot him in places you never used to. On the corner outside the pharmacy. At the edge of the farmer’s market. Once in the hallway of the clinic where you pick up your medical license renewal. He doesn’t make it obvious. He doesn’t insert himself. But he’s there.
And slowly, without meaning to, you start looking for him.
There’s a night when the ER is chaos and the weather is worse and your body is vibrating with exhaustion. Your car's given out on you. You miss your bus. You consider calling an Uber, then don’t. You’re standing under the overhang by the staff entrance, shivering in your scrubs, scrolling your phone for nothing in particular, when headlights sweep across your shoes and stop.
A car idles. Familiar. Black. Out of place like a shadow with wheels.
You squint into the window, and of course, it’s him. “Stalking me?”
He straightens, just a little. “You said your shift ended at seven.”
“I did,” you say slowly, walking toward him. “Didn’t mean it was an invitation.”
His mouth twitches. “Consider it a standing offer.”
You glance at the car, then back at him. “You gonna tell me how you got a vehicle this inconspicuous, or is that classified?”
He opens the passenger door. “Perks of being an Avenger.”
You eye him. “Is this kidnapping?”
“If it is, it’s the most considerate kidnapping ever. I brought snacks.”
You get in.
It becomes a habit after that.
That’s the first ride.
It becomes a habit. Not a routine, exactly. That would suggest he comes at the same time, says the same thing, follows a pattern. He doesn’t. He’s unpredictable in the way thunderstorms are—sudden, insistent, quietly necessary. He’s just… there. Enough times that your coworkers start raising eyebrows. Enough times that you stop pretending it’s odd.
You don’t talk about the soulmark. Not directly.
But you talk about other things.
The price of gas. The merits of different hospital coffee. He tells you, offhandedly, that he used to hate mornings until he had to start facing them at 5 a.m. with a loaded weapon. You tell him you’ve delivered twins in a supply closet. Neither of you laughs, but the air warms between you.
One evening, he brings you tea instead of coffee. He says it’s because you looked like you hadn’t slept. You want to ask how he knew. You don’t.
You get used to the way his presence takes up space. Quietly. Without pushing. You start saving podcasts to share. You start to notice the way his metal hand rests against the gearshift like he’s forgotten it’s not flesh.
He learns your tells. Which sigh means you’re burned out and which means you’re hungry. He doesn’t always talk, but he listens better than most people speak.
And slowly—terrifyingly—you start to want him to be there.
.
Bucky never texts.
Not once.
He calls.
Always.
Even for the smallest things. A grocery question. A movie suggestion. A let-me-know-when-you’re-done. Sometimes you don’t pick up, and he doesn’t leave a voicemail. Just calls again an hour later like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
One day, you ask him why.
He’s driving, one hand on the wheel, the other—metal—resting on the gearshift like it belongs there.
“I don’t like waiting for a response,” he says, after a beat. “Feels like talking to a wall.”
You nod. “Makes sense.”
He glances at you, then adds, “Also, I can't type for shit. And autocorrect thinks I’m a lunatic. My PR manager thinks I'm a walking liability waiting to happen."
You don't know what makes you snort first; the thought of him keyboard smashing his phone or the fact that he has a goddamn PR manager.
Then, the first time you see the arm up close, he’s asleep on your couch.
You’re supposed to be watching a movie. You don't even know who initiated, who invited who over. But something old and black-and-white is flickering on the screen, one of his picks. But somewhere around the twenty-minute mark, he dozed off. His hoodie’s bunched up at the elbow, metal catching the lamplight.
You don’t stare. Not really. But you don’t look away either.
It’s not the glossy, hyper-chrome finish you remember from the surveillance footage. Not the Soviet brutality of jagged red stars and burnished steel. This one’s different. Sleeker. Sleek but brutal. Matte black and dark silver, subtle gold veins etched faintly between the segmented plates—Wakandan tech, you realize. Lightweight. Adaptive. The sort of engineering that moves with a person, not against them.
It looks like something alive. Something that remembers things.
You wonder if he remembers it’s there. If it registers temperature. Pressure. Pain. If the nerves ghost in that space the same way yours do when your fingers go numb from fatigue. If it ever aches when it rains.
You don’t ask.
Not yet.
He stirs, eventually. Looks at you through half-lidded eyes.
“Did I miss the plot twist?”
“You missed a wedding, a car crash, and three dramatic monologues.”
“Damn,” he mutters, stretching. His hoodie pulls a little higher. You glimpse the sharp, seamless lines of the elbow joint. Compact. Clean. Not like a machine—like an exoskeleton. Like armor. You look away. “We can rewind.”
You shrug, smirking into your mug. “I don’t know. I’m kind of emotionally invested now. I might want you to suffer through the confusion with me.”
He huffs a quiet laugh, still half-asleep, eyes flicking toward the screen.
You don’t rewind.
You just sit there, the credits rolling, and listen to him breathe as he falls back to sleep. You start to wonder what it would be like to fall asleep with his hand on your side. With the mark between you, not unspoken, but accepted. Real. You start to feel it again—that pull. The one you used to ignore. The one you used to press down like a bruise that wouldn’t fade.
This is what soulmates are about, you think. What they’re meant to be.
Not the fireworks. Not the rush. Not the storybook symmetry or the neat little bow at the end. Not the lightning strike of recognition. It’s quieter than that. Slower. Messier. Built of hours and questions and the space someone leaves you to be tired, to be flawed, to be real.
You think maybe it’s this — the way he handed you your coffee earlier exactly the way you take it without ever having asked. The way he watches the road when you don’t want to talk and turns the music up just a little, like a soft wall between you and the world. The way he never reaches for your hand, but always lets his linger close enough that you could.
It’s the consistency. The patience. The terrifying kindness of being seen when you’re not trying to be. When your armor’s off, not because you dropped it, but because he never asked you to put it on in the first place.
There’s something in your chest that loosens when he’s near. Some old tension that stops buzzing like an alarm.
And maybe that’s what the mark is. Not fate, not prophecy, but permission. A tether, yes—but one you can pull at your own pace. One you can choose.
And every day you don’t walk away, you’re choosing him.
Even if neither of you has said it yet. Even if neither of you knows how.
“You ever get tired of people looking at you sideways?” you ask him once, on a late-night walk back from a diner you guys have started to frequent together. You’ve both got milkshakes in hand because Bucky insists they’re a cornerstone of civilization, and you’re learning not to argue when he gets weirdly nostalgic.
He takes a sip. Shrugs. “Used to.”
“And now?”
“Now I don’t care.” A pause. “It helps that you don’t.”
You look over. He’s not smiling, but he’s softer. Always is, around you. Less edge. Less shield.
“I used to,” you admit. “When I was younger. I thought it’d fade. The mark.”
He nods, like he’s heard that before. Like he understands more than you meant to say.
“It didn’t,” you add.
He glances at you, then at your side. Not lingering. Just a flicker.
“Good,” he says, so quietly you almost miss it.
You stop walking. “Why?”
He doesn’t look at you. Just finishes his drink. Crumples the cup in one hand.
“Because I’m still here,” he says, like it should be obvious.
And it is.
Somehow, it is.
He cooks, occasionally. Not well. But with effort. One night, he burns a grilled cheese so thoroughly the fire alarm goes off. You have to wave a towel at the smoke detector while he swears under his breath and throws the pan in the sink.
You’re still laughing when he sets two very sad sandwiches on the table and mutters, “Fine. Next time, we order.”
“There’s gonna be a next time?”
He gives you a look. “Unless I’m banned from your kitchen.”
You pick up half a sandwich. “You’re on probation.”
He watches you take a bite. Raises an eyebrow.
You chew. Swallow. “Tastes like regret and cheese.”
That gets a huff of laughter. He doesn’t laugh easily—not fully—but you’re learning the sounds he makes when he’s amused. The little exhales. The under-his-breath muttering. The half-smile he hides behind his hand.
You’re learning all of it.
And you’re starting to think he’s learning you too.
One night, he’s quiet.
Not in the usual way — not in the half-aware, hands-in-pockets, I’ve-seen-too-much kind of way you've learned he wears like a well-worn, favorite coat. This silence is heavier. Not a thing he’s hiding from you, but a thing he’s holding. Something sharp and delicate and dangerous, like broken glass wrapped in cloth. You don’t know what it is yet, but you feel it.
You’re curled up at opposite ends of the couch, legs almost touching, the ghost of his knee brushing yours whenever either of you shifts. The movie’s still playing, long-forgotten. It’s just noise now. A screen flickering in the background while your heart waits.
He inhales like it hurts. And then—
“Can I tell you something?”
His voice is quiet. Too quiet. And he’s not looking at you Blue eyes staring straight ahead at the TV, the little space between his brows wrinkled into something indecipherable.
You blink, slowly. “Yeah,” you say, just as softly. “Of course.”
That gets a breath out of him. Not a laugh. Not quite a sigh. Just something let loose. You watch him stare ahead, fixed on a point in the middle distance like it’s safer than you. Like your face is too much to hold right now.
“I used to hate it,” he says. “The mark.”
You don’t move.
You don’t breathe.
“I thought—” He rubs the heel of his hand over his sternum, just once, like something aches there. “I thought it was some kind of punishment. Like the universe picked me just to prove it could.”
Your heart twists.
He still won’t meet your eyes. But he’s speaking now, and it feels like something old and knotted finally starting to unravel.
“I didn’t know what it meant, not really. Not at first. Just this pain. A weight. And then the name came, and it didn’t mean anything. Just letters. A future that didn’t make sense.”
His hand tightens, flexes, then drops into his lap again. You watch the way his fingers curl, restless and bare.
“And then it did mean something. And it got worse.”
He swallows. Hard.
“Because I looked you up.” His voice dips, almost like he’s ashamed of it. “When I got the chance. I knew. Who you were. Where you were. For years. I didn’t—I didn’t do anything about it. But I knew.”
Something tightens in your chest. A coil. A knot. He looked for you. All those years, he searched and he reached and he wanted all the same. You want to reach for him, but you wait. You feel like if you breathe wrong, he might vanish.
“I kept thinking—if I left it alone, if I stayed away, maybe the universe would rethink it. Give you someone better. Someone cleaner. Someone safe.”
Finally, his gaze flickers to you. Brief. Bracing. The kind of look you imagine he’s given a thousand times in battle — checking to see if the person beside him is still alive.
“And I thought I could carry that,” he says. “I thought if I ignored it long enough, maybe it’d fade. That maybe you’d forget, or never know. And I could just—live around it.”
His laugh is bitter. Not sharp, exactly, but cracked around the edges.
“But it didn’t fade. You didn’t fade.”
You feel like you’ve stopped breathing entirely.
He leans forward, elbows on his knees, fingers knotted together. The mark under your ribs aches in quiet sympathy.
“You know what’s worse than feeling like you don’t deserve someone?” he asks, eyes fixed somewhere near your ankles. “Feeling like you do, for just one second. Like you could, if only you were different. If only everything hadn’t already happened.”
He sits back again. Slower this time. Exhausted.
Your chest is tight, full of static. Your eyes sting.
“I used to see your name and think, how cruel. That someone like you had to carry the weight of someone like me.” Bucky finally looks at you again, and there’s nothing distant about it. It’s searing. Devastating. “But then you showed up. That day at the library. And I—”
His voice falters.
He swallows again, blinking hard. “I’ve spent so long being looked at like I’m a weapon. Like I’m a ghost. But you looked at me like—” He stops, breath caught in his throat. “Like I was real. Like you’d known me. Like I wasn’t a mistake.”
You blink fast, because the alternative is crying.
“And I didn’t know what to do with that. I still don’t know what to do with that,” He exhales, a quiet tremor in his chest. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the person who deserves this. Or you. Or the mark. But I want to be.”
He turns toward you fully now, and for the first time, he doesn’t look away.
“I want to try,” he says, softly. “If you’ll let me.”
You reach for his hand. Slowly. Carefully. Like it’s something sacred, and your fingers meet his.
You don’t say anything right away. There’s no need. His hand tightens around yours like an answer. Like a prayer. And under your ribs, where the mark lives, you feel it — not a tug, not a weight, but a warmth. Like the sun, breaking through after years of winter.
He doesn’t let go of your hand.
His fingers are rough in some places, calloused in others, warm where it counts. He holds you like he’s learning how. Like maybe the trick is not to grip too tight, but not to let go either. That sweet, aching middle ground. Like maybe you’re something breakable—but not fragile.
You’re not sure how long you sit like that. Just the two of you, suspended in this strange, soft liminal space between the past and whatever comes next.
The TV hums in the background. The couch dips where your knees almost touch. You swear you can hear his pulse—yours too—skipping every third beat, then rushing to make up for it.
He’s still watching you like he’s waiting for you to vanish.
You speak first. Barely a whisper. “I think I started loving you before I even knew what it meant.”
His eyes close, slow. As if the words are a balm. Or a blade. You’re not sure which.
“I used to feel you before I understood how,” you continue, voice steady now, stronger with each word. “Not in the mark. Not in the skin. But in the air. In the quiet. I’d be washing blood off my hands at three in the morning and think—I’m not alone. Not really.”
His throat moves with the effort of swallowing. He doesn’t speak. Not yet. You’re not done.
“I hated you for it too, for a while,” you admit. “For making me hope. For giving me something to lose before I ever had it.”
You shift, close the last few inches between you. He doesn’t flinch. Just watches, gaze dark and wide and impossibly open.
“I didn’t want this to be real. Because if it was, it meant I could break. That I had something to break for.”
He breathes out your name. Just once.
You touch his face. Thumb trailing the edge of his cheekbone, slow and deliberate. He leans into it like he’s forgotten what it means to be held. “I see you,” you whisper. “I see you. Not the headlines. Not the soldier. Not the mark. Just… you.”
And something inside him unravels. Not all at once. Not like a dam breaking. But like a thread pulled gently, deliberately, until what’s been bound up for too long begins to loosen.
“I love you,” he says, and it’s not polished. Not pretty. It’s real. Broken around the edges. Bare and breathless. “I love you, and it’s terrifying.”
You nod. Because you know.
He exhales. Then moves.
He kisses you like he means it. Like it’s the first and last time he’ll ever be allowed. His lips press to yours, slow at first, exploratory. Like he’s trying to memorize the shape of it. The feel. You breathe him in. Let your hand slip to the back of his neck, anchor him there.
He doesn’t rush.
His hands, warm and steady, skim your waist like he’s relearning what it means to touch without taking. To be given something instead of stealing it. He pulls you closer—not to possess, but to be sure you’re still there.
When he parts from you, it’s just for breath.
You lean your forehead against his. “We’ve already survived so much,” you whisper. “What’s one more impossible thing?”
His laugh is soft, unguarded. It shakes a little at the end.
You tilt your face, kiss him again—deeper this time. His response is immediate. Hands tightening, lips parting. You taste the urgency in him, the tremble beneath restraint. Your mouth moves against his like a promise. Like maybe this—you—was what the mark was always meant to lead to.
Not fate. Choice.
His metal hand brushes your hip, steady and impossibly gentle. He maps the curve of your ribs like he’s memorizing the lines of his own name. You press your palm to his chest, feel the echo of your name there too. Not carved in flesh, but in feeling. In ache. In the quiet places only the two of you have ever touched.
“Come here,” he murmurs, voice wrecked and low.
You’re already there.
Bucky kisses your neck. Your shoulder. The space just under your jaw. He doesn’t rush the way his hands roam—careful, reverent, like he’s turning pages of something sacred. You think your heart's going to burst or stop at any given moment, because there's no way he's real.
When he pushes your shirt and your bra up over your head, your hands quickly move up to knot through his hair, anchoring them there until he's groaning and mumbling against your skin. He leans down, open mouthed kisses along the way until he finds what he's looking for, taking a pert nipple into his mouth and playing with the other with his metal hand. "Bucky, I—"
He doubles down, holding you closer against his core so he can feel you bucking against him, grinding uselessly against the rough fabric of his jeans so he can feel you pulse, head flooding your core. "Fuck, don't stop. Please don't stop, Bucky, I'm—" You sigh breathlessly when you look down and he's got your nipple between his teeth, gently tugging as he looks up at you with too innocent blue eyes. Like he's not pulling you apart.
"I won't stop, sweet girl," Bucky shakes his head, laughing softly like he can't believe it. "Don't even think I could, if I tried."
The rest of your clothes end up as a pile on the floor, and then it was just Bucky slowly undressing in front of you between your knees. It's enough to make you lose your breath, but his next words sends another sharp heat to pool between your legs. "I'm gonna make you feel so good. You're so good to me, you—fuck, I'm gonna take my time with you. You gonna keep being good for me?"
"Yes, yes," You whispered, arms coming to wrap around him as he carries you to your bed, nails scratching lightly on the toned muscles of his back. "I'll be so good, I wanna feel good—just be with me."
He comes back to you, bare and ready and when you glance down, you can't help the gasp that escapes you. He's big. Bigger than you've ever had, thick and heavy and weeping at the tip. Gorgeous. Fuck, he's gorgeous. At the quiet sound, he pulls back a little bit, just enough to ask, with concern that's mixed with a little bit of amusement. "You okay, baby?"
Baby. Baby. The word rings in your ears, pushing another quiet, needy sound through your lips that Bucky's all too eager to swallow. But then suddenly, he stops and you have to resist the urge to whine. He presses a kiss against your skin, eyes searching yours. "Baby," Fuck, there's that word again. "I'm—I didn't bring anything with me. I don't wanna—"
You part your thighs without being told and the want in your voice is so clear, so evident. "Bucky, I'm clean. I'm on the pill, and I want you so bad, I need it. I need you inside me, want you to mark me, fill me until I'm overflowing with you."
He curses, looking at the way you're spread out underneath him. His hand reaches out to cup you where you're glistening and swollen and impossibly soft. "I can't say no to that, can I?"
"No," Your legs hook around him as he situates himself between your legs, your heart rate rising as he's so, so goddamn close, you can feel his body heat. "No, you can't."
When he finally sinks himself inside of you, you feel like you're being consumed. It's like your birthday and Christmas and the fucking Fourth of July, all in one, making you moan and swoon in a way that you know will have your neighbors sending a strongly worded complaint in the morning.
He's hard and fast and brutal, rocking against you while he sings praises into your hair, and you're wondering how you've ever been able to live without this. How you can't possibly live without this ever again, but then his hand, warm and on a mission, snakes its way beneath your stomach and pulls and pinches at your clit, and it sends you on another high.
Bucky groans. "Just what you needed, huh, baby?"
You nod, moaning out his name in reply.
One particularly hard thrust, after pulling almost all the way out and then rearranging you in a way that should be impossible, and you're falling apart on him as he fucks you through it. He loves you, he loves you, and he means every single word.
When he cums, it hits you like a train, still reeling from the aftershocks of your last orgasm when he groans and roars, putting his face to your throat and babbles—baby, sweet thing, the love of my life.
Afterwards, you just wanna lay in the mess with him, tangle yourself up with his legs and arms and get stuck there, but you're–the mess between your legs is sticky and quickly drying and the though of Bucky, soaking wet and dripping with water under the spray of your—
"Shower," you murmur. And Bucky nods against you, leaning down so he can wrap his arms around you and carry you down the hall to the bathroom.
It doesn't end there.
You ride his face under the shower. He's so good, on his knees like this was penance. For not being there for years, for not coming home to you sooner. His name rattles around your mouth and his tongue makes delicate, soft little shapes on your clit and nibbles against your thighs when you squeeze him just the right amount to make him a bit dizzy. A cool hand on your back, heat rushing in between your legs. His beard sending pinpricks up your spine as you curl your hips closer to his mouth.
Then—all at once, you on his tongue with a stuttered gasp, head spinning as he laves you with all sorts of praise. His other hand snakes up, circling and rubbing your clit like a man on a mission. "Oh god, oh god."
"Let me have all of it, sweetheart, baby, god. Let me taste you."
You do, of course, fucking of course, you let him. "My baby, taking everything ya want from me. I'll always give it to you. Christ."
When Bucky moves over your body, standing up to his full height, you're all too eager to taste him on your tongue. He's smiling lazily against your lips, like he's won a fight. It's sweet, it's a little sticky, it's—god, it's so fucking attractive, the way his lips and his stubble shine under the bathroom lights with your juices. "Say my name, Bucky, say it—"
He says your name, over and over and over and it's perfect. The water continues to spray above you, soaking both of you, but especially him as it dribbles down to the base of his cock. When he sinks into you, thick and heavy and ready until your shoulder blades knock against the cool tile, you both hold your breath until he's all the way inside, flush against your skin.
There's his hands on your hips, a momentary pause, before his hips start snapping against yours. His dark hair, sopping wet and falling into his face, barely concealing the way he grits through his teeth. "Fuck."
You love him so much. You don't think you've ever felt a love so all-encompassing, a love that sets you on fire. You'd give him absolutely anything, everything he wants. Your words fail you, but it's the only thing you can think of as he continues to pound into you, up against that sweet, sweet spot that sends your vision spinning. In the haze of your mind, you can hear yourself moaning, begging—
Then you're falling apart again, cumming with a silent scream.
"There you go," Bucky groans and suddenly, you can feel it too, the way he fills you up, throbbing and pulsing inside of you. Until he was empty and you were full. "There you go. So good, baby. Been so good."
All at once, it all comes back to you.
The bathroom is fogged with steam, the mirror a blurred memory of your shapes, blurred edges, the safe hush of water hitting tile. He doesn’t speak when you finally wrench yourself apart from him, just to move behind him, doesn’t tense when your hands press against his shoulder blades to guide him just slightly aside—enough to step in beside him, under the spray. He shifts automatically, lets you in. Like it’s instinct now.
The water is hot, almost too hot, but he doesn’t flinch. He crowds you a little, warm chest to your back, arms curving around your middle like you’re something to protect. Or anchor to. Or both.
You feel the kiss of cold tile against your front, his breath low against your shoulder. It should be overwhelming. Should make you squirm. But instead, it feels inevitable. Like exhaling. Like gravity doing what it always does.
You lean back into him, and he lets you turn. No push. No pressure. Just a subtle retreat that gives you space. When your eyes find his in the low light, he’s already watching you, his gaze open in the way it only is now, after. After everything. After the storm and the silence and the choosing.
“Pass me the soap,” you murmur.
He obliges. Hands you something dark and nondescript, expensive-smelling and deliberately plain, like everything else he owns now. The scent hits as you squeeze a dollop into your palm—cedar, maybe. Bergamot. Clean, and quietly masculine. Like him.
He runs a hand through his hair, rinses under the stream, half turning away from you, blinking water from his lashes.
“Uh-uh,” you chide gently. “Get back here.”
His brow lifts, bemused, but he obeys. Always does, when it’s you. You rub your hands together to lather the soap, then step forward—closer than necessary. Not because you want to tease. Because you want to see.
You start at his sides, palms gliding slowly over his ribs, where old scars have long since faded into muscle. He sucks in a breath, low and sharp. Not from heat. From the contact.
Your fingers move across his stomach, up over the dip in his chest, across the swell of his shoulders. He stands perfectly still—except for the breath hitching in his throat, the twitch of his jaw. You press your body to his, full skin-to-skin, and feel his chest rise beneath your breasts, slow and tight.
He watches you like he’s never been touched like this before. Like the softness is the part that breaks him. Not the hunger. Not the fire. But the care.
You rise up on your toes, sliding your hands over the back of his neck, around the nape. One hand slips down between his fingers, rubbing suds over the back of his hand. His metal arm stays still at his side, but his flesh hand… it flexes beneath yours. Tightens around your fingers like something unbearable is unraveling in his chest.
That’s when you look up. That’s when you see it.
He looks wrecked. Not from what happened in bed. Not from anything physical. But from this—this ridiculous, tender act of washing him like he matters. Like you’re not asking anything in return. No demands. No debt.
Just love.
And he knows. You can see it—see the realization in his face as clear as sunlight on glass. He knows now, as fully as you do, what this is. What you’ve been. What you are.
You want to look away. Want to laugh it off, run, bite something smart and quick and false between your teeth just to fill the silence. You don’t.
He takes your wrist gently in his flesh one—fingers cradling the inside like it’s something delicate. Then, with his other, his metal thumb presses to your skin, slow and deliberate.
He traces a letter. Then another.
It’s not rushed. Not uncertain. The motion is familiar. Repeated. You've traced over his name countless of times, and the rough pad of his pointer finger goes through a path you've known for half your life.
Your throat tightens.
“You,” he says quietly, voice rough from emotion and steam and everything in between.
He takes your hand gently and takes it to his ribs, where your name's resided for the better part of his life. “And me.”
You stare down at the mark he’s making, not because it’s visible, but because it’s real. You can feel it there, etched into the space between heartbeats.
“You and me,” he murmurs again. “Always was gonna be.”
Then, still holding your wrist, he lifts your hand to his lips and kisses your knuckles. Softly. As if you were made of prayer.
There’s nothing else to say. No big revelation. No sudden orchestral swell.
Just this. Just the sound of the water, the warmth of his chest against yours, the slow unraveling of every wall you ever built around the part of yourself that's wanted to believe in love since you were thirteen, staring at your skin in awe.
Later, there will be groceries. Buses. Shifts at the hospital. He'll have to go back to being an Avenger. Other lives moving in parallel lanes around yours.
But right now, it’s this.
It’s weightlessness.
It’s your name, written in the soft fog of his breath. And his name, traced endlessly across your skin.
Description: The three times Bucky kneeled for you, the heartbreak the ensued. 2000 words of hurt/comfort.
A/N: Sorry I disappeared and this isn't the fic I promised but here we are
The first time he knelt for you, it broke your heart.
You always sat on the couch, legs tucked beneath you, covered in a thick blanket. Bucky sat on the floor next to your knees, like he always did.
At first you used to protest, but then you realized he genuinely preferred sitting on the floor next to you, rather than sit on the furniture. He could stretch out as much as he’d want without bumping into anyone, use the couch as a backrest and you’d throw enough blankets over him he wouldn’t feel the chill from the floor.
You found you started to prefer it as well, because you could reach down and run your fingers through his hair. His head would tip back into your hand, nails scratching his scalp in a way only you could.
Halfway through a movie, he turned his head to glance back at you. His eyes were soft and sleepy, you smiled down at him.
“What’s up, Buck?” You asked, voice tired as the night went on.
He shifted his body to fully face you. You sat up straighter, swinging your legs over the side of the sofa.
His eyes were wide and open, vulnerable with emotion you only have seen once or twice. You reached out and cupped his cheek, stroking his warm skin with your thumb.
Pushing his broad shoulders between your knees, he turned his head sideways and laid it gently in your lap. His entire body relaxed as he did so, almost sighing in relief at the action.
You were a little taken back to say the least, unsure of what to do at first. Here was your super soldier, laying completely defenseless in your lap, feeling so small and relaxed.
You stroked the top of his head, sliding your fingers through his hair. When he came to you, his hair was thin; weak and brittle from years of malnutrition and trauma. Now, with a proper diet, steady sleep schedule, your salon shampoo he steals in the shower; his hair is as healthy as you’ve ever seen it. Sleek and shiny, full and strong.
He stayed kneeling at your feet for longer than you anticipated. His body grew heavy as he sank into it, body almost purring as you rubbed his scalp. Then down his neck, across his shoulders.
Then he was asleep. You knew when the very last tension he held in his body melted away, his body dropped the last of his weight onto your thighs.
Once he had drifted off, you finally allowed yourself to think. You knew Hydra had him kneel for his handlers, beaten into submission by cruel hands until that was all he knew.
Unfortunately, he was trained to only seek comfort in his handlers. Whatever that may have looked like. Kneeling at their feet may have been comforting to him. To hide his face in a lap where nobody was to judge the emotions or expressions on his face. A small amount of privacy.
You were happy to give that to him, your soothing touches and the soft fabric of your flannel pajamas pressing against his cheek. Bucky could spend an eternity here.
The second time, you asked him to kneel.
A mission gone wrong. A splitting headache, a man caught between personas like Jekyll and Hyde.
You watched him on the jet ride home, sitting apart from the others, head in hands and knee bouncing anxiously.
Steve caught your eye, worry he couldn’t hide drawn across his face. On your way down the ramp, you squeezed his arm to let him know you had it covered.
Following his vapor trail, you found him in your shared bedroom about to combust.
Hands outstretched, braced against the wall, head pressed to the plaster. His body trembled with barely contained emotion.
“Bucky,” you spoke softly, shutting the door behind you.
His shoulders tightened at the sound of your voice, hands curling into fists as his forearms leaned against the wall.
You ran through your list of options on how to de-escalate. You glanced around the room, your eyes falling on the reading chair under the window.
After moving the pile of laundry that had accumulated over the week, you folded up a fleece blanket and placed it at your feet on the hardwood floor.
“Bucky,” you spoke, lowering yourself into the chair. “Can you come kneel for me?”
His motions stilled, turning his head to glance back at you. His eyes were guarded, barely holding back the pain he felt constantly tearing him apart.
In a few quick strides, he crossed the room and dropped to his knees in front of you. You winced at the sound of his joints hitting the hardwood floor, making a mental note to find something thicker to put down next time. Maybe a pillow or a heavy quilt.
His arms went around your waist this time, pressing his face nose down into your thighs. His breathing was labored, back rising and falling quickly as the memories pressed against his skull.
Before you did anything, you first let him sit and try to regulate himself. His body trembled, breathing erratic, fists gripping your waist so you wouldn’t slip away from him.
You stroked his hair, damp with sweat and tangled from the physicality of the mission. You’d probably find some blood in there that you’d help him wash away in the shower later.
“Bucky,” you murmured, trying to keep your voice even. “You’re with me. You’re safe.”
His entire body was stiff, fingers digging into your waistband to steady himself. You reached down and squeezed his forearms, massaging the tension as slowly and gently as you could.
“That mission was fucked for everyone,” you said in an even tone. “I’m pretty sure Fury is going to have my ass for how I handed those douche bags in the admin office. I don’t really care, I had to get back to you.”
His breathing was slowing, shoulders attempting to relax against your knees. You rubbed his neck gently, pressing your thumb to the soft spot behind his ear.
“I kinda felt like Steve, acting like a reckless idiot to get back to you,” you smiled.
He shifted his head, turning so his cheek lay against your thigh, his eyes remained shut. Long eyelashes brushing against his weathered cheeks.
You didn’t touch his face, you knew better. At least not yet. You’ve learned that lesson before. Your hand slid through his hair, cupping the back of his head.
“Is your head still hurting, Honey?”
He liked when you called him a Honey. It meant he didn’t have to fight whoever was inside of him, pretending that he felt like Bucky in that exact moment. Every day, he wakes up and fights for control. A grudge match between Bucky and the Winter Soldier.
When you call him Honey. He doesn’t have to feel like either. He can just exist in that moment with you.
The third time, he asked to kneel for you.
He stood in the middle of the med bay, arms covered up to his elbows in Natasha’s blood. His memory was foggy, how did he get here? Last he remembered, the bullet ripped through Nat’s gut, he had turned and fired two shots in that direction.
Steve clapped him on the shoulder, which startled him. Despite it being his best friend, the warmth of his palm felt prickly against Bucky’s skin. He resisted the urge to shrug it off.
“-go get cleaned up? I’ll talk to Fury.” His pal’s mouth was moving, but his ears were ringing. He barely caught the end of the statement.
His eyes lowered, shifting his head in a subtle nod. He found his way to the elevator and punched the button that took him up to the floor he shared with you. His eyes fixed on the smear of blood he left on the glowing plastic button.
You hadn’t been tapped for this mission and he was thankful. He left you yesterday morning, wrapped up in soft sheets and his t-shirt, eyes fighting to stay open against the morning sun. He can barely remember the feeling of his lips pressing against your forehead, your sleepy smile as you whispered that you loved him.
His hands were trembling on the door handle, trying to think of how he was going to explain why he was covered in blood but his mind was frantic.
He didn’t even bother to untie his boots by the door, he had left his pack on the jet but he would barely notice. He needed you. He needed you to slow his thoughts and calm his mind in the only way anyone could.
“Hon? Is that you?” Your tired voice calls from the Livingroom.
He finds you sprawled across the couch, blanket sliding off your lap and onto the floor. The TV was playing something he couldn’t care to recognize.
“Oh my, God!” You jumped to your feet at the sight of him in the doorway, covered in blood and a hollow look in his eyes. “Bucky are you-“
“I’m fine,” his voice was brittle. “s’not mine.”
“Whose is it?” You took a careful step toward him, eyes flickered over any exposed skin to check for injury.
“Nat’s,” his voice shook. “She’s… she’s gonna be fine.”
You exhaled quickly, heart pounding at the thought of your other best friend laying on an operating table.
“Can I… Can I…” he rubbed his hand over his face, trying to pick the correct words but there were too many. When he spoke next, his voice cracked. “I don’t wanna be in control right now.”
You understood immediately, taking the blanket that was once on your lap and folding it onto the ground. You took a seat on the couch and nodded at him.
His broad shoulders pushed between your knees, his own settling on the floor between your feet. You didn’t mind as his bloody hands hooked around your waist, head lain gently in your lap.
“You’re here with me,” you spoke softly. “No where else. Just here with me.”
His shoulders trembled as the events from the night, visions of Natasha’s pale face swimming behind his eyelids. He tried to focus on the feeling of your hands, how warm your skin felt, but his mind was slipping.
“We should take a shower soon, then we’ll go down and see Nat,” you whispered, sliding your hand through his hair.
Despite his silence, you continued to talk to try and give his mind something to focus on. Your hand caught on a tangle near the base of his neck, you smoothed it out as gently as you could.
“I got this new shampoo I think you’ll like,” you squeezed his shoulders. “I haven’t tried it out yet but it’s supposed to smell like coconut, which I know you like.”
Your voice was so sweet on his ears, especially after years of harsh, biting words; ones that have never left his mind.
“I think tonight would be a good night to try it out,” you spoke, eying the shine on the top of his head. “I’ll throw our towels in dryer so they’ll be all nice and warm when we get out. Maybe our pajamas too.”
He blinked away the image of Nat’s pale face, blood smeared over her neck. That didn’t even happen, why was he imagining it?
“I’ve been itching to watch our show since you’ve been gone,” you looked down at the top of his head “You up for a few more episodes tonight?”
A question. What did you say? He lifted his head, blue eyes wide and vulnerable. You smiled patiently, cupping his cheeks.
Repeating your question, he nodded without another word. You leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, pressing your thumb to the soft spot behind his ear.
“C’mon, let’s go shower,” you suggested, gesturing to his bloody hands. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’re kind of gross.”
He looked at his hands as if he were seeing them for the first time. You watched as he recoiled from you, horrified that he had been touching you as he was.
You smiled, leaning down to kiss him on the mouth. Squeezing his chin between your thumb and forefinger, you didn’t let him go very far.
He followed you in the direction of your luxury bathroom, a few silent paces behind you. He often felt like a shadow of his former self, but you had a way of making him feel whole again. No matter who he was, you were always there for him.
summary | when you, a former red room widow crosses paths with the man who once trained you—now a ghost of the monster you remember—your collision reignites memories neither of you can outrun. in a world that only ever taught you two to survive, you find something you were never trained for: each other.
tags | (18+) MDNI, smut, unprotected sex, intimate sex, enemies to companions to lovers, angst, slow burn, emotional hurt/comfort, winter soldier triggers, protective!reader, protective!bucky, mutual obsession, feral love, soft intimacy, violence, reader only speaks russian, bucky speaks english, emotionally devastated bucky barnes, shit translated russian (probably), reader does not play about her man
a/n | IMPORTANT TO NOTE: the events of black widow happen before ca:cw in this. Based on this request. (I'm posting this from work lol)
likes comments and reblogs are much appreciated ✨✨
ᴍᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ
divider by @cafekitsune
Москва, 2003 — Красная комната
Moscow, 2003 — The Red Room
The walls were too white.
Sterile. Silent. Watching.
That was the first thing you noticed—that kind of white that felt wrong. Like it had been bleached so many times, even the ghosts had nowhere left to hide. Even the steel doors looked polished, like they were proud of what happened here.
You sat shoulder to shoulder with the others—seven girls, fifteen on average. Not children. Not soldiers. Not yet.
The floor was colder than ice, and it bled through your thin uniform. But none of you shivered. That had been trained out early—along with tears, questions, and the word нет.[no.]
The air reeked of antiseptic and metal. Underneath it, sweat clung to the walls like memory. Like shame.
Footsteps echoed.
Three sets.
Two sharp. One heavy.
No one turned to look. That was lesson one. Looking got you noticed. Being noticed got you hurt.
But you felt him before you saw him.
The shift in the atmosphere—immediate and suffocating. Like gravity got heavier. Like breath didn’t work the same anymore.
Он пришёл. [He’s here.]
You didn’t flinch, but your muscles locked up. Your knuckles pressed into your knees until they went white.
Then: silence.
Not peace.
The kind of silence that held a knife behind its back.
“Смотри вперёд,” Madam B’s voice cut cleanly through the air. [Eyes forward.]
You obeyed. All of you did. Like clockwork. Chins lifted. Spines straight.
He stood beside her. Taller than you remembered from the rumors. Broader. Real.
Зимний солдат.
The Winter Soldier
His face was half-shadow under the fluorescents, but his eyes—those eyes—were unmistakable. Dead, pale things. A shade too light. Like they’d been bleached, too.
He didn’t look at you. Or at anyone. His stare drifted somewhere behind the wall, like even he didn’t want to be in his body anymore.
That metal arm glinted under the lights. Thick at the shoulder. Seamless. Inhuman.
Madam B clasped her hands in front of her. Her posture was perfect. Her smile was poisonous.
“Ваши инструкторы научили вас дисциплине, послушанию, терпению боли,” she said. [Your instructors have taught you discipline, obedience, pain tolerance.]
“Точность.” [Precision.]
She nodded toward him.
“Теперь вы узнаете страх.” [Now… you will learn fear.]
He moved without signal. No countdown. No command.
Just violence.
One second, stillness.
The next—he was on Yulia.
The smallest one. The quietest. The one who tried to hum to herself when the lights went out.
Her back hit the wall with a sickening crack. His left arm—that arm—pressed into her throat. Just enough to choke. Not enough to kill.
Her boots scraped the tile. A soft panic-sound left her lips—then cut off as her training kicked in.
She stopped fighting. That was lesson two.
You didn't move. Not even your eyes.
Yulia turned her head slowly. Her gaze found you. Desperate. Wild. The kind of fear none of you were allowed to show.
You didn’t blink.
“Вы будете тренироваться с ним,” Madam B continued, like this was nothing. [You will train with him.]
“Вы выучите его методы. Его инстинкты.”
[You will learn his methods. His instincts.]
Yulia let out a breath that sounded like breaking glass.
And the Soldier?
He still didn’t look at her. Or at you. Or at anyone.
Because you weren’t people. Not to him.
Just shapes to break. Dolls to test.
Madam B’s smile never wavered.
“Если вы выживете.” [If you survive.]
────────────────────────
Красная комната — Тренировка, 2003
The Red Room — Training, 2003
The floor wasn’t white.
It was concrete—cracked, stained, pitted with impact. The kind of surface that remembered every body that ever hit it.
The air in the training room was humid with breath and blood. The walls sweated under the heat of fluorescent lights, buzzing like flies in your ears.
You stood alone at the center.
The others were pressed against the wall—backs straight, eyes forward, silent as statues.
Your breathing was even. Measured.
Your fists curled tight, knuckles aching with pressure.
You didn’t shake. You never shook.
You’d already lost blood on this floor. Skin. Teeth. You’d learned how to fall without sound.
But this was different.
He stepped into the ring.
Black tactical gear. Combat boots. Gloves pulled tight. His metal arm caught the light—chrome and shadow. It wasn’t a limb. It was a threat.
He didn’t speak. He never did.
Not even a command.
Madam B stood off to the side, clipboard cradled in one arm, her pen already moving.
She didn’t call a start. She didn’t have to.
The moment his weight shifted—you moved.
You struck first.
Open palm to the throat. Hook to the ribs. Low kick toward the knee.
They were survival strikes. Precise. Fast. Smart.
He swatted them away like you were nothing.
Effortless. Mechanical. Indifferent.
Then he hit back.
His fist caught the edge of your jaw—crack—and your skull snapped sideways. Your vision pulsed white for half a second, but you stayed upright.
You had to stay upright.
Then came the sweep. His left leg scythed yours out from under you, and before you even hit the floor, the metal arm slammed across your chest.
You went down hard.
Concrete kissed your back. The air tore from your lungs.
And then—pressure.
He was on top of you. One knee against your ribs, hand to your throat.
That arm. Cold. Absolute.
He wasn’t holding you down.
He was claiming the ground beneath you.
You didn’t fight it. Not yet.
You stared up into his face, and for the first time—saw him. Not as the ghost of a myth. Not as the whispered fear behind training drills.
But as a man.
A machine.
Both.
His expression was blank. But that blankness said everything.
This wasn’t a lesson.
This was a warning.
You don’t win.
You survive.
So you reached for his sidearm.
His hand snapped around your wrist. That sound—metal joints locking down on bone.
It should have crushed you. But it didn’t.
You kneed him in the stomach—your knee landing against Kevlar with a jolt. You twisted, shoved your shoulder down, and used his own momentum to roll you both.
It wasn’t elegant.
It was smart.
Calculated. Ruthless.
You weren’t bigger. Or stronger.
But you were sharp.
You learned.
He came at you again, and this time you didn’t flinch.
You dropped beneath the punch, spun inside his reach, and used his arm like a fulcrum—flipped over his shoulder.
You landed wrong.
Your elbow scraped open.
But you were standing.
There was no applause. No approval. Only the scratch of Madam B’s pen.
The Soldier didn’t react.
He reset.
No emotion. No hesitation. Just reset. Like you hadn’t earned a single thing.
But you saw it.
The twitch of his fingers. The micro-adjustment in how his feet planted. The pause—barely a pause—as his eyes followed your stance like he was filing it away.
He wouldn’t remember your name.
You didn’t have one here.
But that day? He noticed you.
────────────────────────
Красная комната — через шесть месяцев
Red Room — Six Months Later
The mat was stained with old sweat and old blood.
You stood barefoot at the center. Bruised. Breathing steady.
Fifteen years old. One of the last still standing.
You didn’t know what day it was. Didn’t need to. You measured time in bruises, in blood dried under fingernails, in how long it took for your ribs to stop aching.
This was your fourth session with the Soldat in six days.
They were testing something.
Durability, maybe. Threshold. Obedience.
Or maybe they just wanted to see if you’d finally break.
Above, behind the black glass, Madam B watched. Her voice came cold over the intercom.
“Начали.” [Begin.]
You moved instantly.
A blur across the mat. Feint left, then up—elbow aimed for the hinge of his jaw.
His metal hand caught your arm mid-strike. Effortless. Inevitable.
He twisted. Spun you. Drove a knee into your side.
You blocked—barely. The pain reverberated through your ribcage like splintering glass.
But you didn’t grunt.
Didn’t cry out.
You never made a sound.
Pain didn’t mean stop.
Pain meant continue.
The room rang with impact. Bare feet sliding. Fists connecting. Breath coming sharp between attacks.
He was bigger. Stronger. His reach eclipsed yours, his strikes heavier, colder.
But you were faster. You had studied him. Memorized every tick, every tell. He never led with his right. The metal arm always came second—the trap after the bait.
You slid low under a hook, came up behind him, and kicked the back of his knee.
He faltered.
A grunt left his mouth—barely audible, but real.
You didn’t pause.
You spun, forearm tucked in, and drove it up under his ribs. You connected.
His breath hitched.
Your chest rose once—sharp.
You’d drawn breath from the Soldat.
His hand snapped out—metal fingers closing around your throat.
You slammed into the wall with a thud that rattled through your spine.
His grip tightened.
But you didn’t fight it. You didn’t blink.
Your stare locked with his—blank to blank.
Two weapons mid-calibration.
He leaned in. Not far. Just enough to study you.
His eyes weren’t flat. Not fully.
Something behind them… ticked.
Then—he spoke.
Low. Controlled.
Almost quiet enough not to register.
“Хватит.” [Enough.]
Your body stilled.
Muscles stopped firing. Breath locked. Every cell in you responded like a command had been entered in your bones.
That word—from him—meant stop.
Session over.
He released you.
You dropped—not from failure, not from injury, but from the vacuum left by adrenaline. Your knees hit the mat. Your hand splayed out to catch balance.
Your chest heaved. Hot. Controlled. Like a furnace behind your ribs.
He watched you.
Still silent. Still unreadable.
But his fists were clenched.
And this time… he didn’t walk away immediately.
He looked at you.
Really looked.
Not like an opponent. Not like an assignment.
Like something had clicked. Like a new file was being written in his mind.
Not fear. Not even memory.
Interest.
────────────────────────
After Hydra took back the Soldat, the others gave you a nickname.
Сетка.
[The Web.]
You weren’t the strongest.
You weren’t the fastest.
But you were the only one—aside from the one they called Romanova—to hold your ground against the Soldat.
You weren’t known for brute force.
You were known for calculated strikes.
For how you waited. For how you wrapped your opponents in silence and then struck.
You didn’t earn it through survival.
You earned it through stillness.
Through how, when the Winter Soldat looked at you—he paused.
Румыния, Бухарест, 2016
Romania, Bucharest, 2016
The world was too big.
You hadn’t realized that until you were freed.
Not with fanfare. Not with chains breaking on a concrete floor. Just… the chemicals gone. The fog lifted. Like smoke peeling away after the fire’s already eaten everything it wanted.
You were free.
And you didn’t know what to do with it.
No one gave you instructions. No handler. No target. No voice in your ear.
So you drifted.
Trains. Buses. The back of a truck once, when it didn’t matter where you ended up. Countries blurred. Time warped. Faces forgotten before they were registered.
You didn’t speak.
Not because you couldn’t.
Because your voice didn’t sound like yours yet. It sounded like property. Like training. Like the echo of someone else’s weaponized breath.
When you did speak, it was only in Russian. A comfort. A shield.
If they couldn’t understand you, they couldn’t own you.
Now—
Bucharest.
A city wrapped in damp air and dull concrete. A sky so overcast it looked like someone had smudged out the sun.
You didn’t pick it.
It just happened.
Like most things now.
No mission brought you here. No ghost pulled you.
Just the weight of motion finally running out of road.
You sat at the corner table of a café so small the world didn’t seem to notice it existed. A chipped white mug sat between your hands. Coffee, cooled and untouched. You hadn’t tasted anything in days, but the smell was something. Bitter. Familiar.
Across the street, a man adjusted a bike chain. His hands were black with grease. Someone shouted upstairs in Romanian. A dog barked. The faint crack of an egg hitting a pan cut through the air.
It should have felt normal.
And maybe that’s what made it unbearable.
You weren’t made for peace.
Peace had no rules. No orders.
Peace expected you to feel.
But you didn’t feel human.
You didn’t feel anything at all.
Just a hum in your chest where panic used to live. Just silence where purpose used to be.
Your fingertips curled against the ceramic like you were checking to see if you were still real.
Maybe you were. Maybe not.
You watched the sky for signs of rain.
And thought: Maybe tomorrow, you’ll leave.
────────────────────────
Несколько дней спустя
A Few Days Later
It started with the color of his eyes.
You didn’t recognize the rest of him at first—he moved differently now. Civilian clothes. Hair tied back. Slower, softer posture. Almost… human.
But then he turned toward the sun.
And you saw them.
That shade. That steel blue.
Unnatural. Icy.
Dead things wearing a face.
And suddenly, the world tilted sideways.
Your fingers twitched at your sides.
Солдат. [Soldat.]
The market noise dulled to a hum in your ears. Just smells and motion. Heat and light. Someone was selling tomatoes. Someone else bartered for lamb. Shoes scuffed pavement.
You didn’t blink.
Your feet were already moving.
He spotted you seconds later. His brows knit in confusion—not fear. Recognition hovered behind his expression, but distant. Faded. Like trying to remember the lyrics to a song he only half-heard.
Then—your eyes met.
His mouth opened, confused.
You lunged.
He moved just in time—sidestepped, arm up, deflecting your first strike. You twisted under him, elbow jabbing into his ribs. He caught your wrist.
“Wait—who the hell are—?”
You dropped your weight, flipped him over your hip. He hit the cobblestone with a grunt, rolled, sprang to his feet.
A vendor screamed. Then another.
Crates of fruit crashed around you. Splinters of wood. Apples underfoot.
He tried to disengage—hands up, defensive, careful.
“I don’t want to fight you—!”
You weren’t listening.
Your fist slammed toward his face. He blocked. You kicked at his thigh, drove your knee up toward his gut.
He grunted, staggered. Caught your leg mid-air.
You spun inside the hold, using the capture, and flipped over his shoulders.
Your knees slammed down on his collarbones.
He stumbled.
You slammed your palm into the back of his skull, forcing him toward the ground.
He rolled, bringing you down with him. The two of you crashed through a vendor’s table, shattering it into splinters and cloth.
“Чёрт—who are you?”
[Damn it—]
You didn’t answer. You wouldn’t.
His face twisted—half in frustration, half in dawning memory. But you weren’t a memory. You were now.
He blocked a knife-hand strike. Caught your other wrist. You twisted under, slammed your head toward his jaw.
It connected. His lip split. A child screamed nearby.
He shoved you off—but not to hurt. To breathe.
“I’m not him,” he rasped. “Not anymore.”
Your heart pounded. Your knees bent. You were ready to kill.
You didn’t stop. Couldn’t.
Every second he breathed in your presence felt like failure.
You were fifteen again. You were on the mat. You were under the metal arm.
You struck low—shin to his knee. He buckled slightly, but rebounded quick, grabbing your arm and twisting. You followed it, using the torque to throw yourself up and over him, body flipping above his head. He ducked, but not fast enough.
Your heel scraped his temple.
He staggered.
You hit the ground in a crouch, surged forward, fists flying—open-palm strikes, throat jabs, knife-hand to his kidney. He blocked most. Absorbed some.
But you were faster.
You always had been.
Around you, the market dissolved. Stalls crushed. People scattered. Screams and panic thick in the air. Vendors grabbed their children and ran. Tomatoes exploded underfoot like bloodstains.
He was breathing heavier now.
You could see the calculation behind his eyes—how he wasn’t hitting back.
Because he knew. He knew the precision in your strikes. He knew where you’d learned them.
“Why are you doing this?” he ground out, catching your arm again, ducking under a punch and shoving you backward into a stack of crates. “I don’t want to hurt you!”
You snapped forward, wrapped your legs around his neck, pulled.
He fell—slammed hard on the ground with you on top. You straddled his chest, brought your elbow up, and—
He caught your wrist. Locked it. Twisted just enough to force the momentum off. Rolled.
Now you were beneath him.
His knees pinned your thighs. His hand gripped your wrist above your head. Metal arm pressed against your collarbone—not choking, just holding.
Your breathing came fast. Harsh. Chest rising and falling in panic, fury, fire.
His hair hung loose now. Lip bleeding. Chest heaving.
And his eyes—
They weren’t dead. They weren’t his. They weren’t the Soldat’s.
His voice came low. Guttural.
“I’m not him.” His hand didn’t tighten. He didn’t shake. “I don't want to hurt you.”
You wanted to fight. Your body ached to.
But your eyes locked with his. And something fractured. Because the eyes that looked back at you now—they weren’t hollow. They weren’t blank.
They were human. Still haunted. Still carrying every sin etched into his bones. But there was no order in them. No command. No programming.
Just… regret.
Your body didn’t relax. But it stopped resisting.
Just slightly. Just enough.
Your breath caught in your throat—not because you were scared, but because you didn’t know what to do with stillness.
Your body had stopped moving, but everything inside was still screaming.
His grip didn’t loosen.
He was still above you, pinning you down—not aggressively. Just… securing the chaos.
You stared up at him, and he stared back, his brow furrowed like he was searching for a word he’d forgotten in a language he hadn’t spoken in years.
And then—
sirens.
Not close yet, but coming. Sharp. Rising.
His head snapped to the side. You tensed beneath him again. His eyes flicked back to you. Jaw tight. Conflicted.
Then, in a movement that felt more instinct than decision—he pulled you up.
You didn’t resist. Not out of trust. Out of confusion.
He didn’t let go of your wrist. Didn’t shove you.
He just moved—guiding you fast into a narrow alley between buildings. The noise of the street dimmed behind you. Fabric flapped on a laundry line above. The pavement here was cracked, lined with moss and cigarette butts.
He stopped. Pulled you behind him.
Pressed your back against the wall, one hand splayed across your stomach to keep you behind his frame.
You should’ve fought him again. You should’ve broken his arm. But you didn’t.
His other hand came up—not touching you, just hovering slightly, as if to say stay.
You both stayed frozen. You could feel his breath against your temple. Still steady. But his hand—
It was shaking. Not from fear. From memory.
Like his body remembered something his mind hadn’t caught up to yet.
He didn’t look back at you. But he stayed there.
And for now, so did you.
The sirens faded.
The city noise returned in slow motion—honking, voices, the far-off clatter of trams and tires. The chaos in the market had been swallowed again by the buzz of ordinary life, like the fight never happened.
Bucky shifted. Just slightly.
His hand eased away from your stomach, the other dropping to his side. He didn’t speak. Didn’t move.
But you did.
You turned your head—slowly—and shot him a look so sharp it could’ve cut through bone.
You shoved his chest with both hands. Not hard enough to hurt—just enough to get space between you. Your expression was blank, but your body radiated heat and fury.
He didn’t resist. He let you push him.
And you turned.
No words. No explanation. No retreat. Just your back as you walked away—shoulders squared, movements clipped, hair tangled from the fight. You didn’t run.
You didn’t need to.
“…Hey,” he called after you, stepping out of the alley. “Hey—wait.”
You didn’t pause.
Your boots clapped against the wet pavement, turning down another street without looking back.
“Where are you going?” No answer.
He caught up, boots scuffing beside yours. He wasn’t panting anymore, but he was confused. Disarmed in the way only survivors could disarm each other.
“You just tried to kill me,” he said. “You started that. You could’ve—”
He stopped. Regrouped. “Who the hell are you?”
You didn’t even glance at him.
Just one subtle shift in your jaw. Tension in your neck.
That was all he got.
He caught up beside you. Tried to get in front of you. You side-stepped him like he was furniture.
“You speak?” he pushed, breath hitching with disbelief. “You got a name? Or just fists?”
Still nothing.
You barely acknowledged his existence now. That alone made his pulse spike.
“Did we know each other?” he demanded, frustration creeping into his voice. “I mean—really know each other? Because something about you feels… I don’t know.”
You stopped. Just once. You turned your head slightly.
And said, flatly, with razor-edged indifference, “Он умер.” [He’s dead.]
Then kept walking.
The words froze him. Just for a second.
The Soldat.
Dead.
Killed in your eyes the second he hesitated. The second he showed mercy. The second he didn’t fight back.
He kept following. Not at a sprint. Not with force.
Just… there.
A shadow a few steps behind. Close enough to be felt. Not close enough to touch.
You turned corners like the city owed you space. Didn’t rush. Didn’t look back. But you knew he was behind you. Every step. Every breath.
And still—you didn’t stop.
You passed shopfronts. Faded yellow walls. Posters curling off the bricks. A cracked tile underfoot. The stink of wet bread and exhaust in the air.
“Why are you running from me?” he asked, not breathless—just bitter. “You came at me. Remember that?”
You didn’t respond.
He didn’t expect you to.
“I don’t remember everything, alright?” he pushed, his voice clipping at the edge. “There are gaps. Big ones. I don’t know who I hurt. Who I—”
You rolled your eyes.
The noise he made in frustration wasn’t a sound of anger.
It was need.
“Just—just tell me your name,” he said. “Please. I don’t care what you were trying to do. Just give me that.”
You stopped again.
Slow.
Turned slightly.
Your face unreadable.
Voice low. “Сетка.”
His brow furrowed.
“Setka?” he repeated. “That’s not a name.”
You tilted your head—just a fraction. And then you looked at him like he was insects. Not worth a fight.
Just an irritation buzzing too close to your ear.
You turned back. Started walking again.
He followed.
“Is that a code name? What is that? Russian? Hydra?” He caught up beside you, walking now shoulder to shoulder. “Did I know you?”
You gave him nothing.
But his eyes stayed on you.
And you?
You just kept walking.
Not because you were done with him.
Because you were done with what he used to be.
────────────────────────
You ducked into the café like it owed you something.
Not the same one from before—this one was smaller, grittier. Glass smudged with fingerprints. Fluorescent light overhead flickering like a dying star. But the pastries in the case were fresh, warm, and dusted with powdered sugar.
That’s all that mattered.
You didn’t look back to check if he was still following.
You knew he was.
You ordered with a short nod, pointed at what you wanted. Paid in crumpled bills. And sat by the window, legs crossed, posture casual—like this was your place and the world was just visiting.
A sweet bun sat in front of you, golden, soft, still steaming.
You tore into it with precision. First bite was deliberate—slow chew, eyes half-lidded in genuine pleasure.
And then—
He walked in.
You didn’t look up. Not at first.
You licked a smear of sugar off your thumb, eyes fixed on the glass.
He ordered something. You didn’t care what. Until he slid into the seat across from you.
Boots heavy. Posture coiled. Forearms resting on the edge of the table like he was ready to fight if the cutlery moved.
He stared at you.
That stare. Cold. Sharp. Brow low. Eyes locked in.
The kind of look that made grown men flinch. You took another bite of your pastry.
Chewed. Swallowed. Licked your lips. And looked up slowly.
Your gaze met his.Unblinking. Flat. Not intimidated. Just... annoyed.
He stared harder.
You raised an eyebrow—just one.
Bit into the pastry again with a kind of exaggerated grace. Sugar dusted your bottom lip.
He leaned forward a bit.
You leaned back, leisurely, like the air between you bored you.
The silence was so thick it should’ve collapsed the table.
Still, you said nothing. Because you didn’t need to. You’d already won.
He shifted. You didn’t. His jaw flexed. Then—
He moved.
Slowly, reluctantly, like it physically pained him to do it, Bucky brought his hand up and extended it across the table. Palm open. Fingers slightly curled. That awkward, stilted kind of offer people made when they weren’t sure they were allowed to touch the world yet.
“I’m Bucky,” he said.
The words didn’t come easy. They stuck to the back of his throat. “Bucky.” Like he was still trying the name on. Still figuring out if it fit.
You looked at his hand. Not quickly. Not dramatically.
Just… down. Like you were glancing at a smear on your table.
Then you looked back up at him. Dead stare. Cold.
“Мне всё равно,” you said softly.
[I don’t care.]
The words landed heavier than a bullet. You didn’t spit them. You didn’t hiss them. You just meant them.
His hand hovered for another second—like he thought maybe he’d misheard, misunderstood, anything. Then he slowly pulled it back. Fingers flexing once before curling into a loose fist on the table.
You went back to your pastry. He didn’t move again.
────────────────────────
You didn’t flinch. Didn’t blink when he stared at you across the table. Didn’t soften when he introduced himself. Didn’t care.
He’d held out his hand like it meant something—like the name Bucky still belonged to him—and you looked at it like it was rotting.
“Мне всё равно.” [I don’t care.]
That should’ve been the end of it.
He should’ve let you walk. Let you disappear like every other phantom in his half-formed memory. But—
He couldn’t.
You were like smoke in a room with no fire.
Wrong. Out of place. But present.
Cold. Controlled. Eyes like winter steel and hands trained for death.
You weren't avoiding him like he was dangerous. You acted like he was a fly. An inconvenience.
And still…
He couldn’t stop watching you.
He found out you stayed three blocks away from him, in a run-down building that looked like it had never seen heat. No lights on past midnight. You came and went like habit—not avoidance.
No weapons drawn. Just… presence.
And it started happening before he noticed it: He’d time his walks to cross your path. He’d change course just to track where you ended up. Not to hurt you. Not even to corner you.
Just to exist near you.
Because somehow, somehow—he felt more alive around you than he had in years.
Not safe. Not comfortable. Alive.
Like the weight wasn’t pressing quite as hard against his chest when you were in the room. Even if you never looked at him. Even if you never said a word.
There was something about you.
Not just the way you moved—efficient, brutal, graceful like a damn blade in water. But the way you carried herself.
Like you didn’t owe the world a thing.
You were impenetrable. And it made him feel human.
────────────────────────
Несколько дней спустя
Some Days Later
You were sitting on the edge of a crumbling fountain, half a pastry in one hand, your boot tapping against the stone.
Same coat. Same deadpan stare. Same indifference like it was armor stitched into your skin.
Bucky stood across the square, watching.
Again.
You didn’t look at him, but he knew you saw him.
You always did.
This time, he walked straight over.
No subtlety. No circling. No waiting for a moment that wouldn’t come.
You didn’t move. Didn’t shift.
Just kept eating, like the man you tried to murder in a marketplace last week wasn’t about to sit beside you.
He lowered himself onto the edge of the fountain—not too close. Close enough.
You still didn’t look at him.
“I’m not following you,” he said quietly.
You raised a brow but said nothing. The flake of pastry lingered on your lip. You didn’t wipe it away.
“I just need to know…” He sighed, hand curling over his knee. “Setka. What that name means. Who are you?”
No response.
A pause.
Then, at last, your voice—quiet, flat, “Ты думаешь, ты хочешь знать.”
[You think you want to know, but you dont]
You met his eyes. Still unreadable. Still so, so tired.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, low.
His voice was raw now—not just tired, but unraveling.
“I just… need to know.”
A pause.
“Did I hurt you?”
Your chewing stopped.
You looked forward, eyes tracking something only you could see. Your fingers flexed once on the crumpled pastry paper. Then, softly, “да.” [Yes.]
A beat.
And then, quieter still—
“Но ты также научил меня не умирать.”
[But you also taught me not to die.*]
The words hit him like a blow to the chest.
His throat worked. His fingers twitched against his thigh. He wanted to ask what you meant—but couldn’t even form the question.
So he looked at you. Not with suspicion.
But with that kind of desperate, quiet plea in his eyes—the kind that asked without sound.
Please. I need more.
You finally sighed. A long, slow exhale through your nose. Tired. Annoyed.
Like explaining this was beneath you, but his stare was loud enough to warrant an answer.
“Красная комната,” you said flatly.
[The Red Room.]
His brows furrowed.
“Гидра отдала тебя им.”
[Hydra gave you to them.]
You finally looked at him.
Your face was unreadable. Not cruel. Not soft. Just matter-of-fact. “Ты… обучал нас.”
[You trained us.]
And there it was. The fracture in his expression. Shock, but not surprise.
Like you'd just said something he already knew, deep in his bones—but didn’t want to hear aloud.
He blinked. Swallowed.
“You were a widow,” he said, mostly to himself.
Your silence was confirmation. And for the first time since he met you, you didn’t look like a ghost.
He sat there, silent. Trying to make sense of what you'd just given him. And still—he needed more.
“How…” he said quietly, carefully, “how did you get out?”
You didn’t look at him.
You exhaled sharply through your nose. That specific kind of sigh. The one that said you’re annoying, but I’ll answer because I want you to stop talking.
Then, cool and clipped, “Наталия Романова. И Елена Белова.”
[Natalia Romanova. And Yelena Belova.]
You didn’t elaborate. You didn’t soften. You tossed the empty pastry wrapper into the bin beside the fountain and stood.
Then added, almost as an afterthought:
“Слишком поздно для большинства.”
[Too late for most of us.]
And without a glance back, you turned and walked away. Boots clicking against the stone. Shoulders squared. Back straight.
Leaving him there with a realization that the only person who might know who he was still didn’t care who he is.
You heard his steps before you saw him.
You always did.
He didn’t walk like a civilian. Not even when he tried.
His boots were too heavy. His presence too loud. Even in silence.
You didn’t turn when he entered the courtyard, hands shoved into his jacket pockets like he didn’t mean to be there.
But you knew better.
You were sitting on a low wall, picking at the crust of a tart. Raspberry filling on your thumb. The sun was barely up.
And there he was. Again.
You didn’t sigh. Didn’t roll your eyes. This time, you just… watched. Not with annoyance. Just observation.
He sat a few feet away. Close enough to talk. Far enough not to press.
He looked tired.
More than usual.
Like he hadn’t slept. Like being in his skin had worn him raw.
And for the first time, you wondered.
Not what he wanted.
But why he kept wanting.
You let the silence hang for a moment longer, then tilted your head just slightly.
Voice soft. Even.
“Что ты хочешь от меня?”
[What do you want from me?]
He blinked.
Then smirked—dry, thin, almost embarrassed.
“Your name,” he said. “For one.”
You gave him a look. Half-bored, half-knowing.
“и…?” you prompted, arching a brow. [And…]
That’s when he faltered.
He shifted on the wall. Looked down at his hands. Flexed the metal one like he didn’t trust it.
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
Not bitter. Not confused. Just honest.
“I don’t know why I keep looking for you. I just—”
He hesitated.
“You’re the only thing that makes sense. And you don’t even like me.”
You blinked at him. Then returned your gaze forward. Back to the rising sun. And said nothing.
But for once, you didn’t get up and leave.
You stayed.
────────────────────────
The fountain was silent, just a hollowed-out shell of stone, stained with rust and time. You sat perched on the rim, arms resting against your knees, watching the last light of day catch in the cracks of the broken tiles. The warmth of the sun was soft on your face, but the air was already turning cold.
You felt him arrive before he spoke.
He moved like someone who didn’t want to be noticed, but was too heavy with memory not to be felt.
He sat beside you—not too close, but not far. He didn’t speak. Not yet. And you didn’t turn your head to acknowledge him. It wasn’t necessary.
You’d started sharing silence like it belonged to both of you.
Minutes passed.
You listened to the slow creak of birds returning to the rooftops, the faint echo of footsteps on distant concrete. The world had quieted around you, and he hadn’t left.
Eventually, his voice broke through, rough and low.
“I don’t think I'll ever stop waiting.”
You didn’t answer. Not right away. The words hung in the air, weightless and unfinished, and part of you wondered if he even expected a reply. Your gaze stayed fixed ahead, tracking the fractured pattern of shadows stretching across the courtyard.
And then, maybe without knowing why—you spoke.
Your name left your mouth quieter than you intended, like it had to sneak past the years of silence it had been buried under.
He turned to you. “What?”
You looked at him.
Met his eyes.
And said it again.
Clear. Certain. Yours.
The way he blinked told you he hadn’t expected it—not tonight, maybe not ever. He repeated it under his breath, carefully, like the syllables might dissolve if he held them too tightly. He said it like he was tasting something real for the first time in years.
Then he gave a small nod, the corners of his mouth twitching into something soft.
“Nice to meet you,” he murmured.
You raised an eyebrow, unimpressed, giving him the same look you’d used on a hundred fools who thought they’d earned something for no reason.
His smile grew—not smug, but amused. Quiet. Unforced.
For a moment, you didn’t mind that he was there.
───────────────────────
You always took the same seat—back corner, right by the window, where the sunlight slanted across the table in late morning like gold dust.
Your coffee was always lukewarm by the time you drank it, and your pastries were always sweet. The music in your ears pulsed soft and steady, a low hum only you could hear. You never shared what you were listening to, and you never offered to.
He never asked.
But he noticed.
He noticed that when you chewed slowly, your head tilted slightly to one side—just enough to catch a particular note. He noticed that you tapped your fingers on the table sometimes, in rhythm with whatever beat lived under your skin.
It wasn’t much.
But it was yours.
And you noticed him too.
He always had the same notebook—small, black, worn at the edges, the kind that could be slipped into a coat pocket without a second thought. He never let anyone else see inside. But he wrote in it often, sometimes mid-sentence, like a thought might escape if he didn’t pin it down fast enough.
You didn’t speak for a long time.
Until one morning, when he was scribbling again inside it, you leaned slightly forward, voice low, words rolling off your tongue like it belonged there.
“Что ты там всё время пишешь?”
[What do you keep writing in there?]
He glanced up, blinking like he hadn’t realized you were watching him.
“Stuff I remember,” he answered, softly. “Names. Places. Dreams. I forget a lot, so I write it down.”
He didn’t ask what you were listening to.
But his gaze flicked toward the earbud still nestled in your ear, and you knew he was thinking it.
You didn’t offer it.
But you didn’t hide it, either.
Later that morning, you both reached for the last almond tart at the same time.
Your hand got there first.
You raised a brow. He huffed out a laugh through his nose and motioned for you to take it.
You did.
You broke it in half and pushed the other piece across the table.
He didn’t thank you. But he ate it.
That was the day you stopped sitting across from each other.
And started sitting side by side.
────────────────────────
The café was nearly empty, just the soft clink of ceramic and the distant hum of an old radio behind the counter. The pastry case had been picked clean, and the overhead light above your usual table flickered faintly, but neither of you moved to find another seat.
You sat beside him this time—shoulder to shoulder, one knee pulled up onto the booth seat, your arm resting lazily along the back of the bench. The hood of your coat was down, loose pieces of hair falling over your face. You didn’t bother fixing them.
You were listening to something again—earbuds in, eyes half-lidded.
He glanced at you from the corner of his eye. He didn’t speak. He didn’t want to break whatever this was. The fact that you were still here meant something.
You shifted suddenly.
Not much—just a lean, just enough that your shoulder pressed into his arm, your head tipping to the side until it rested against him. Light. Casual. Like it was accidental. Like he wasn’t even there.
His breath hitched slightly—but he didn’t move.
You didn’t look at him.
But you reached up, plucked one of the earbuds from your ear, and—without looking—held it out toward him.
An offering.
No words.
No eye contact.
Just choice.
He hesitated—then took it.
David Bowie’s voice filtered in, old and warm and ghostlike. Something about changes, about time bending and slipping through fingers. The kind of song that made the city feel like it was holding its breath.
You didn’t speak.
You didn’t smile.
But your head stayed against his shoulder.
And when the song ended, you didn’t take the earbud back.
You just let it stay.
Несколько месяцев спустя
A Few Months Later
He was on the floor again.
The mattress had been too soft. The air too still. He needed edges. Needed cold.
But even here—against the hard wood, spine pressed into the earth like punishment—it wasn’t enough to keep the dreams out.
They started like they always did.
Flashes of corridors. Screams without mouths. His own hands soaked in red. Russian commands slicing through the dark like razors.
He heard bones snap. He heard a girl scream—
No, not a girl. You.
But the Soldat didn’t stop.
His own voice—flat, mechanized—spoke a language he couldn’t feel, barking orders at children.
And then—
He was drowning in snow. Arms bound. Blood freezing.
He gasped awake like something had clawed through his chest.
His breath came ragged. Sharp. Cold sweat clung to every inch of skin, and the room felt like it was collapsing.
But then—
A hand.
Soft.
Warm against his chest.
Not sudden. Not a jolt. Just there—pressed gently over his heart like it had been holding him for hours.
“Тише…” [Easy now…]
Your voice was the first thing to cut through the fog. Low, steady, threaded with sleep but utterly sure.
His eyes snapped to you.
Darkness wrapped around the room like cloth, but he could see you in the low amber spill from the window. You were curled against him, body bare and familiar, skin pressed to skin. Your thigh hooked over his, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other tracing slow, grounding circles over his chest.
You didn’t flinch at his shaking.
You just held him.
“Это не сейчас,” you whispered again, softer.
[It’s not now.]
And he breathed like he hadn’t in days.
Hands found your back—clutching, clinging, greedy in the way that had nothing to do with sex. Like you were oxygen. Like his fingers didn’t know how to stop searching for the edges of you.
You didn’t pull away. You let him take. You let him need.
His breath stayed ragged for a long time, chest heaving beneath your hand like it couldn’t find its rhythm. His fingers clutched at your back, shifting slightly to your waist, to your shoulder, back again—like he needed to make sure you were real every few seconds.
You didn’t move. Didn’t speak. Just kept your arm over his chest, anchoring him.
Eventually, his head turned slightly against your temple. His mouth brushed your hair when he spoke, the words low, scratchy, like they were being dragged out of his ribs one by one.
“I saw them again.”
You said nothing.
“I was holding one of them down. I don’t even think she was older than fifteen. She looked like you. I think—I think maybe it was you.”
You pressed your lips against his jaw.
Not a kiss. Not an answer.
Just pressure.
“I can’t always tell if it’s memory or something Hydra put here,” he muttered, voice splintering at the edges. “Sometimes I remember things I know I didn’t do. And other times—I know it was me. The worst ones… I know it was me.”
His hand moved to your stomach. Held you there like gravity.
“I hear screaming in Russian, and I can’t tell if it’s my voice or someone else’s. I keep thinking I’ll get used to it. That it’ll fade. But it’s like it’s burned into the back of my eyelids.”
You shifted, just slightly, fingers brushing the line of his jaw, guiding his face closer until your foreheads touched.
He exhaled like it hurt.
“I don’t know who I am outside of what they made me,” he said. “But when I’m with you, it’s the first time I don’t feel like a ghost in my own body.”
Your hand slipped behind his neck, fingertips resting just beneath his hairline.
“Ты не призрак.” [You’re not a ghost.]
The words didn’t feel like comfort.
They felt like truth.
And when his breath caught again—quiet, uneven, almost broken—you stayed exactly where you were.
Not fixing him. Not saving him. Just with him.
Because at some point, without meaning to, he had become the only thing in this world that mattered.
The room was still dark, the sky outside only just beginning to tint at the edges. You were still lying there, skin warm against his, your breath a steady rhythm he’d started to match. His body had gone still again—not tense, not panicked. Just quiet. Contained.
But his hand was still at your waist. His fingers drawing soft, slow shapes into your side like he didn’t even realize he was doing it.
And you let him.
Because it wasn’t urgent. It wasn’t hungry.
It was careful.
His breath brushed the space just behind your ear when he spoke again.
“You’re the only thing I feel like I don’t need to apologize for.”
You shifted slightly—chest to chest now, one leg brushing between his. Your palm moved up to his shoulder, then trailed along the line of his throat, slow and exploratory. Not a seduction.
A recognition.
The intimacy didn’t build like a fire—it simmered, low and inevitable. He leaned into you like someone who had forgotten how to reach for warmth. His hand moved to your back, spreading wide across your spine, holding you there—not hard, not desperate, but present.
And then—
He kissed you.
Not rough. Not fast.
Just his mouth against yours, slow and searching. His breath shaky, his fingers tightening just a little in your hair.
You kissed him back. Not because you were trying to fix him. Not because you owed him anything.
But because he felt real beneath your hands, and that was enough.
When he pulled back, forehead resting against yours, his voice barely more than breath:
“Please…”
You didn’t ask what he was asking for.
Because you already knew.
Bucky's forehead stayed pressed to yours, his breath warm where it spilled between your lips, ragged in the quiet. His eyes were still closed. Like he couldn't bear to look at you yet—like the weight of being seen might break him.
You moved first.
Your hand slid slowly from the nape of his neck down to his shoulder, tracing the edge of his scars with deliberate softness. His skin twitched under your touch, not from fear—from hunger.
His metal arm lay inert beside him, but his other hand came up, slow and reverent, fingertips brushing your cheek like he still wasn’t sure you were real. His thumb ghosted over your bottom lip. His mouth followed.
This kiss was different.
No panic. No desperation.
Just need, thick and quiet and sharp.
You shifted, straddling his hips, your thighs bracketing his waist, your palms splayed flat against his chest. His skin was warm under yours, heartbeat hammering as though his body was still catching up to the permission he'd finally given himself—to want.
His hands found your waist. Traced the line of your spine. One stayed there, grounding himself in the curve of you, while the other slid up your side, fingers memorizing the shape of your ribs like he was trying to draw you blind.
When your hips pressed down against him, his breath caught sharply in his throat. He met your gaze then—fully, finally.
Not as the Soldat.
Not as a ghost.
As himself.
And you saw it—that flicker of reverence buried under the heat. Like even now, even wanting you, he didn’t feel like he deserved to have you.
So you kissed him again.
Not to reassure him.
To claim him.
His mouth opened under yours, hands gripping tighter now, pulling you down, closer, deeper. You rocked together slow, controlled, your rhythm deliberate, the pace of two people not trying to lose themselves—but trying to find themselves in each other.
You whispered between kisses—soft sounds only meant for him. He didn’t understand some of the words, but he held on to the tone, the way you said his name like it didn’t belong to anyone else.
When you sank down onto him, his whole body shuddered under you. His hands gripped your thighs, not guiding—begging. His lips trailed your throat, jaw, shoulder, anything he could reach, like touch was the only language he trusted.
You moved together slowly at first—bodies adjusting, memorizing, matching breath for breath, sound for sound. Every shift brought a deeper connection, every sigh a new thread stitched between skin and soul.
By the time your pace quickened, the air around you had changed. The city had faded. The world narrowed down to this room, this moment, this need.
He moaned your name against your neck like it was a prayer.
You held him like you were anchoring a man about to fall through the floor.
When release came, it wasn’t just pleasure. It was relief. A crashing, dissolving quiet that left you tangled together, chest to chest, sweat-slicked and breathless, your pulse finally syncing to something steady.
You didn't let go.
And neither did he.
Just stayed inside you, forehead pressed to your shoulder, arms locked around you like the world outside your bodies had ceased to exist.
You didn’t speak.
You didn’t have to.
You had this.
────────────────────────
Следующее утро
The Next Morning
The market was quiet in the way city mornings could be. Early light filtered between rusted awnings, the smell of spices and stone settling into the cracks of the pavement. You walked beside him, not touching, but close enough to feel the heat of his arm near yours.
He was holding plums.
Inspecting them like they were treasure.
You watched him quietly, a faint, unreadable smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. It was absurd—how gentle he looked now, murmuring something about ripeness in Romanian under his breath. You didn't understand every word, but the tone was enough.
Then—
Something shifted.
A sharp prick under your skin.
Like static.
Like danger.
You didn’t know where it came from. A glance. A tension in the air. A silence that cut through background chatter too cleanly.
Your eyes tracked the source—an older man, just across the way, holding a folded newspaper in stiff fingers. He wasn’t watching the stand. He was watching him.
You followed the man’s line of sight, moving slowly, deliberately toward the stand. The vendor was distracted. You picked up a copy of the paper.
Front page.
Explosion at UN Assembly. Dozens dead. Suspect at large.
And beneath the headline—
His face.
Your stomach flipped. You turned sharply, plums forgotten. Walked straight to him.
Bucky looked up just as you shoved the newspaper into his chest.
He blinked. Then froze.
You didn’t raise your voice. You didn’t run. You just leaned in, eyes locked with his.
“Нам нужно уходить. Сейчас.”
[We need to leave. Now.]
He didn’t ask why. He didn’t argue. His fingers clenched the paper.
And together, without another word, you turned and disappeared into the crowd.
────────────────────────
Берлин — Безопасный объект хранения
Berlin — Secure Holding Facility
You hadn't left his side since the arrest.
When the guards cuffed him, you didn’t fight them—not yet. You walked behind him, eyes narrowed, body coiled, your presence like a blade just waiting to be unsheathed.
No one could talk to you.
The blonde one had tried—gentle voice, soft posture, his hands open like that meant anything.
You stared at him like he was furniture.
His friend had watched you carefully, tension in his jaw, waiting for you to snap.
You didn’t.
You just stood closer to Bucky.
Then there was him.
The one in black. The Panther.
The moment he tried to approach, your hand twitched toward your hip. You had no weapon. Didn’t need one. Your body was a weapon. The look in your eyes alone was enough to make one of his guards step between you.
They tried to separate you.
You didn’t let them.
You didn’t speak a word—not in English, not in Russian. You were a storm in the room, silent and immovable. And even Bucky, tired and cuffed and quiet, looked at you with something just shy of awe.
Then the elevator opened.
She stepped out.
Red hair. Calm stride. Cold eyes that knew.
You didn’t need her name.
She didn’t need yours.
Natasha Romanoff approached slowly. Not cautiously. Respectfully.
She spoke in Russian, voice smooth but even.
“Мы никогда не встречались, но я знаю, кто ты.”
[We never met, but I know who you are.]
You said nothing.
She stopped a few feet away.
“Ты Сетка.” [You’re The Web.]
Still, no answer. But your gaze softened—fractionally.
Because you knew her too.
Not from missions. Not from photos.
From whispers in hallways. From training drills where instructors used her name like a warning.
Natalia Romanova. The Black Widow.
The one who escaped.
The one who survived.
“Он этого не делал,” you said finally.
[He didn’t do it.]
Your voice was low. Flat. Carved from certainty.
Natasha studied you. Something passed behind her eyes.
“I believe you,” she answered.
Then, more carefully:
“Но тебе нужно это сказать в суде.”
[But you need to say that in court.]
You stared at her.
Eyes hard.
“You’re his only alibi,” she added. “Without you, they’ll tear him apart.”
The thought made your stomach twist.
You clenched your jaw. Glanced at the camera behind Natasha—at Bucky, sitting in a metal chair, hands cuffed, head bowed.
You gave a slow nod.
And for the first time since his arrest—your eyes left him.
────────────────────────
The lights died without warning.
A loud click. A sharp hum.
Then—darkness.
Shouts echoed down the corridors. Metal scraped. Radios crackled with confusion. Power was down, systems offline, backup still lagging behind.
People froze. You didn’t.
You moved.
No hesitation. No questions.
The moment the lights dropped, your body remembered.
Because this kind of darkness only ever meant one thing.
You sprinted through the corridor like blood in a vein, bypassing the agents stumbling toward emergency protocols, your feet silent, lethal. Every step was muscle memory. Every twist and turn of the hallway a reflex carved into you long before freedom ever tasted real.
The door to the security wing came into view.
Ten guards. No time.
The first went down with a strike to the throat, his flashlight bouncing twice against the wall before silence claimed him.
The second reached for his radio—he didn’t get the chance. You broke his wrist, then slammed his head against the concrete.
They didn’t scream.
You didn’t give them the chance.
Three. Four. Five.
A baton cracked across your ribs—you spun and caught the next one mid-swing, driving his weapon into his own throat. The others hesitated.
That was their mistake.
Six. Seven. Eight.
Blood sprayed against the wall, glistening in the emergency red light now blinking to life.
Nine and ten dropped nearly at once—one from your heel, the other from your elbow, the weight of him crumbling against the wall with a breathless grunt.
You didn’t stop moving.
Not for breath. Not for pain. Not for blood.
You reached the holding cell just as the red emergency lights revealed him through the glass.
Bucky.
No. Not Bucky.
The Soldat.
His expression was blank. Eyes lifeless. Shoulders squared in that familiar, bone-deep way.
Inside the glass room, a man stood calmly—his voice rhythmic, deliberate.
“…Грузовой автомобиль.. Отчет—м…”
[Freight car... Mission report—m…]
You moved. Fast. You didn’t shout. You didn’t warn.
You slammed into the door controls, cracked them open with a guard’s badge, and dove through just as the man turned.
Your fist collided with his jaw before the last word could leave his mouth. He hit the floor, unconscious, blood blooming from his temple.
And then—
Silence.
Just the sound of the red lights humming.
You turned slowly. And looked at him.
Not Bucky. Not anymore.
Those eyes—the ones you’d let kiss your neck, trace your waist, breathe your name like it was prayer—were gone.
What stared back at you now was him.
The Soldat.
Empty. Programmed. Cold.
Your chest rose and fell with sharp, silent breaths. Not from exhaustion—but from adrenaline. From the ache that started deep behind your ribs and crept outward the moment he turned and looked at you with those eyes.
Cold. Vacant. Not his.
Your fingers curled slightly, tension trembling just beneath your skin.
You took one step forward.
“Бакки,” you said softly. [Bucky]
Nothing.
Not even a blink.
Another step.
“Бакки,” you tried again. [Bucky]
Still nothing.
Your throat tightened.
You didn’t let it show.
Then—voice quieter, firmer, the way you’d been taught to never say unless you meant it—
“Солдат.” [Soldat]
His body shifted. Barely.
But his head tilted, just slightly, like the command lodged itself where language became law.
“Готов к выполнению.”
[Ready to comply.]
You closed your eyes for half a second. Just long enough to breathe.
And then you moved toward him. Hands raised.
No fear now. Not anymore. Not after all this time. Not after all the nights he’d held you like you were the only thing in the world that stopped him from drowning.
“Это не ты,” you murmured, approaching slowly. [This isn’t you.]
He didn’t respond. Didn’t move.
You laid your palms on his chest, feeling the warmth there—his heartbeat still steady, still human. You let your fingers spread, grounding yourself in the body you knew like your own.
“Ты не он.” [You’re not him.]
Your hands slid upward—over his collarbone, along his jaw, up to the sides of his face.
His eyes didn’t change. But he didn’t pull away. Didn’t react.
“Посмотри на меня.” [Look at me.]
Your thumbs traced just beneath his eyes. Soft. Intentional.
“Вернись ко мне.” [Come back to me.]
Stillness. And then—
A flicker. Just a breath. The barest crack behind his gaze.
His lips parted slightly, brows knitting, as if a noise were caught in his throat—something unsaid, something struggling to be remembered.
Your voice stayed low. Calm.
“Ты со мной сейчас.” [You’re with me now.]
His breath was just beginning to shift. Something in his face softening, eyes twitching with confusion—recognition pulling like a thread through fog.
Then—
Footsteps.
Boots on tile. Raised voices. Weapons ready.
You didn’t need to turn to know who it was.
Steve’s voice broke through first. “Bucky—!”
And in an instant, the tension returned.
Bucky’s body went rigid beneath your hands. His spine snapped straight, jaw locked, breath shallow and clipped. The softness vanished like it had never been there.
You felt the shift. Felt the Soldat rising again.
“Нет,” you whispered, voice firm, thumb still pressed to his cheekbone. “Нет.” [No.]
His hands twitched at his sides. You didn’t flinch.
You pressed closer, chest against his, forehead nearly touching his now. Then—
Movement behind you.
A shuffle of armor. The slight drag of a weapon’s safety clicking off.
You turned your head sharply—just enough to meet them.
Steve. Sam. T’Challa, face hard with fury, muscles taut with the restraint of a man who wanted to strike.
You stepped slightly in front of Bucky, still keeping one hand on his chest like you were holding a live wire.
Your eyes burned into all of them.
Then you pointed down at the unconscious man—Zemo, still bleeding from where you struck him.
“Вот ваш подрывник,” you spat, low and lethal. [There’s your bomber.]
None of them moved. Not yet.
Steve looked between you and Bucky, guilt bleeding into his features. Sam lowered his weapon just slightly. T’Challa’s jaw worked, but his eyes flicked to the man on the floor. Realisation behind his misplaced anger.
You didn’t wait for them to speak. You turned back to Bucky. Hands on his face again.
“Ты здесь,” you whispered, not begging—commanding. [You’re here.]
His breathing slowed. Not calm. But contained.
The emergency power roared back to life.
Lights flickered overhead, harsh and unforgiving. Cameras reactivated. Screens across the control room sparked awake, broadcasting every inch of the cell.
Security forces tensed.
Steve took a step forward—halted only by the look you shot him.
Deadly. Final. And then.
You turned back. Everyone was watching. But none of it mattered.
You pressed your hand gently to Bucky’s chest again, fingers curling against the fabric of his shirt like you were anchoring him there—in this moment, in this body.
His face twitched. Brows drew together in pain. His jaw clenched. The lines of the Soldat’s posture—so rigid, so familiar—began to shake.
You stepped closer still, voice low, Russian rolling like smoke from your lips. Words meant for him and no one else.
“Ты здесь. Это прошло. Это я. Только я.”
[You’re here. It’s over. It’s me. Only me.]
You said it like a vow. Like something you’d carve into him if you had to.
He blinked once. A flinch. Barely visible. Then his eyes met yours. Not hollow. Not gone.
Still struggling. Still fighting. But there.
His breathing hitched—once, then twice—and then with something like agony, he let out a sound low in his throat.
He bowed his head. And leaned into you.
Forehead against your shoulder, arms rising slowly—tentative at first, then tighter, until he was holding you with a force that felt like drowning. Like if he didn’t hold you, he’d disappear.
Your hands slid into his hair, your fingers cradling the back of his skull.
Not protectively. Possessively.
He wasn’t a soldier anymore. He wasn’t a ghost. He was yours.
You didn’t look up. Not at Steve. Not at T’challa. Not at the dozens of cameras now recording this moment in real time, every politician, every soldier, every damned spectator watching the Soldat become Bucky Barnes again in the arms of the only person who knew how to bring him back.
And inside, rage burned in you like wildfire.
Not at him. At them. All of them.
For letting this happen to him. For dragging him back into it. For daring to treat him like a threat when he was barely holding himself together.
You hated them. Every last one of them.
But him?
You buried your face in his neck, whispering words no one else would ever hear.
He was the only thing you loved in this broken world.
The best way i can describe Bucky and Reader : Docile Dog and Feral Cat
