Sam

I’m scared they’re going to kill me. They’re going to kill me because I’m scared.

[brokeninternet]

Would you rather be a person eating a wolf

Or

A wolf eating a person

[unification]

i know we're not supposed to say this but i literally love being alone and going on the computer

[what-even-is-thiss]

I hate when I get two problems in a row. They’re all gonna think I’m making it up.

[offshoreoilrig]

whispering "do it scared" to myself before taking a deep breath and entering the bank to commit my first armed robbery

[boobieteriat]

[snapscube]

what did you have for breakfast was it cement

yeah it was a big fucking huge bowl of wet awful cement

[sacred-portal]

[kosmogrl]

and please remember to stay up late because that’s free time

[roboco-san]

the human hand is a wonderfully versatile tool for trying to carry one thing too many and dropping everything all over the fucking floor

[cerastes]

Let’s bring Flash development back so 14 year olds can create extremely violent and greasy minigames about eviscerating Labubu and upload them to Newgrounds.

[cottoncandylesbo]

oh hello delightful forest boar. why are you charging at me so fast

[brokeninternet]

Ok fine, my advisers (my friends) where right, I did in fact get cursed (break my toe) 7 months ago and have been languishing under its effects (been in pain) but no more! it’s all ok now because the curse breaker (the podiatrist) gave me a tincture (a shoe insert) to remove my wicked curse (fix my toe)

[itwashotwestayedinthewater]

i heard there's a guy who lives in my blood called michael plastics and hes going to kill everyone?

[borgevino]

so fucking stupid that meds literally work. "swallow this pebble it makes you think" hateful

[brokeninternet]

🚨🚨🚨new character🚨🚨🚨

Tony Yakub! He’s exactly the same as Tony Shalhoub except he created white people

[reallyreallyreallytrying]

it would be crazy to be the first guy to be blown up by a hand grenade. what the hell just bounced in here. some kind of component

[brokeninternet]

I work in a deli with a “fresh” olive bar. Now I put fresh in quotes because the compressor in the bar that’s supposed to keep the olives cold is broken, so those fuckers are HOT. The reason they haven’t fixed it is that absolutely nobody gets olives from it, to the point where it was left untouched for so long that the orange and chili olives started to ferment into olive wine, a fact that I only discovered this morning when I put a new spoon in there for the first time in who knows how long and the olives fizzed up like soda