@brown-and-down - Tumblr Blog

Me: *starts crying* Me to myself: omg here go your lil crybaby ass…

...um...

I’m not completely sure if I still have trust issues or just weird about being vulnerable but like... I feel like I’m not with you 100%.

It takes time, I understand. It takes time to learn how to comfort each other, understand what they like, what makes them happy and how I can make them happy in the best way... Sometimes I mention things to him to vent, but I immediately take the attention off me because I feel like it shouldn’t be about me. That’s so wrong... I shouldn’t have to feel like i have to dismiss my own words with you. I wish I was comfortable enough with bringing up all my major/minor issues and not feel like I’m bitching. All I want is support. I’m too afraid to ask.... what do I do? I don’t want to cry alone about it... because that’s what I have you for now... right?

#11.24.19 #i seriously doubt myself at this point #once i see him in person itll be fine #its hard because I cant see him everyday #......

Conflicted

The last time I spoke with you I wanted to bring up an issue, I wanted to project this issue as a “no big deal” when it was. I wanted to know the truth even if it meant you making me feel uncomfortable at the time. I guess, you saying you had similar annoyances within the time you were saying goodbyes convinced me you didn’t want to hear my problem too.

Last time I texted you I wanted a farewell coffee trip but... If I’m being honest I thought you didn’t want to even though it felt like you did. Your wording made me feel like I was being dismissive and didn’t want to see you. It’s not like I can’t just come forward and wish you the best and check up on you right now. It just feels weird. Nothing romantic, I just like to care for my friends and platonic relationships.

I’m worried, I suppose. Even though I admitted to your face that I really thought I wouldn’t be alive at 21 years old. You told me to take care.

#11.4.19 #lolololol #ill text you later #just know this is my vent space #and im entitled to think whateber #im really wish you the best #i miss hanging out with you!

I guess,

I don’t know when to tell I’ve fucked up. Even more reason to distance myself....

#9.2.19 #im cruinf bc i dont want to djstance mhzelf how am i splu

Im not going to cry

I have to think hard about what I want, how to act with this enormous weight of guilt, hurt, confusion, tad bit of jealousy.

#i guess its going to be okay bc i can admit these and not shame myself for it #this is going to be a long ride boys #8.31.19

It’s been a long while.

A lot has happened

I thought I was getting better I really thought that some of this healing process would work. I’m up high, living, getting over things. I’m dragged down bc I kept looking back. It’s so scary to not know how to overcome this, it’s terrifying to think of a plan to make you feel better when you know your negative thoughts are relapsing. Deep down I know I have to work towards becoming better. From the events recently taken place, I’m genuinely scared of how to speak to people I want to be close with. My words, my tone, the delivery of my voice effects those people. I only want my voice to be associated with how proud of who I have become, how gentle I want to be, how genuine of a person I want to be. What I want to be. I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. So I withdrawal. It was great getting to know all of you. I wish I could have some thing that’s not a person to make me feel better. I want to cling to what truly makes me happy so I can feel confident in myself. Confidence in myself is what. I want.

#im glad no one knows who this account belongs to #if you do think you know me please dont try to contact me #8.31.19