It’s funny. This wasn’t supposed to be the original post but I lost the other post because I got a call on my phone and it connected to the iPad and because I went into another app...lol, it all disappeared.
All I really want to say in this message, is...here is to a new beginning. A new start. Fresh. It has to be. & I desire to dedicate it fully to Christ. I just know its going to be a battle because my flesh is so frustrating. Like Paul I do all the stupid things I don’t want to do and let me be frank I play way to many video games and still watch pornography from time to time...Wow...I said that...lol, yes...I did say that, & its real, & its serious and its not something I desire to do. As a matter of fact, when I do it, its only because of a thought, not because I’m excited in anyway shape or form physically...its stupid...and I hate myself every time. & I feel less than every time. & feel dead every time....and I hate it...I absolutely dispise it.
What I mean is, I just keep going back. The thing is I think I’m doing this, trying to stop, in my own power, by my own discipline. But I don’t have the fortitude to stop on my own. Doesn’t matter how long I go without I always find myself at it again (day, week, or even a month) I end up back at square one and never feel as if I’ve grown or gotten any further with Christ. This thing makes me heavily doubt my salvation...I just pray the Lord continue to work in me and I don’t end up being a “Lord Lord” man. I could cry thinking about that...
Anyway this is not an out my struggle with sin (right now). This is about letting you know, as the reader, whether that be myself, my Father in Heaven, or who ever else is reading this...
On the foundation of Christ alone. I’m taking my life in a new direction. I’m going to the Air Force. I’m joining and I’m going to learn new skills that I can pass on to an adopted son and family. I’m going to learn the scriptures. I’m going to seriously prepare myself for Christ’s return. I wil seek my Father in heaven with All my Heart, Mind, Soul, & Strength...I will. I won’t quit. I won’t end until I know that I know I have Christ and Christ has me. I have “to know.” Paul talked about a “knowing” an intimate “knowing” of Christ. & that’s what I want. That’s what I desire...that’s what I a going to seek out, HIM and HIS Kingdom, first and foremost from here on out.
So this will be a blog, paired with...(hopefully) a vlog, that will document my journey through the scriptures as I read and hold myself accountable with the video uploads and blogging. I’ve done this before and It was an incredible growth experience and the fact that others were able to share in that growth was great as well. I will find Christ and be sure that it is HIM I have found, and not a counterfeit.
Jesus...please, help me...Help me be sure, and me to find and to know the real you. I wish to know you...
I won’t quit until I find you, Jesus.
Brandon “Simba” Christopher Brownfield
