Caption: [So I’m Christmas shopping for my niece at my favorite little botique, Office Depot, and I asked the sales guy “Hey, you got any printer-scan-fax combos?” He says “Printer-scan-fax combos? Pal, every child in America wants one of those. You’re too late!” I say “You don’t even have one left?” He says, “well, we’ve got one, but it has a problem.” I say, “what’s the problem?” He says, “this particular Hewlett-Packard prints off thirst trap photos of Ted Cruz.” I say, “It prints off thirst trap photos of Ted Cruz?! Well I don’t want that.” He says, “yeah, nobody does. That’s why it’s the last one left.”
I say, “well, can you turn that feature off?” He says, “not only can we not turn it off, we unplugged the damn thing and it still prints ‘em out.” I say, “You’ve got yourself a cursed printer-scan-fax combo, pal.” He says, “I know, but there’s nothing we can do.” I say, “hold on. I know a guy,” and I call up my friend Guillaume Mezzanine, the bush pilot. I say “Guillaume, you used to exorcise office supplies back in the day.” He said, “sure did.” I said, “well, i got a Hewlett-Packard here with some kind of Carlie Fiorina themed curse on it. You think you can help me out?” He says “I’m already on my way.”
And that’s when i hear the propellers of Guillaume’s ’s biplane landing in the parking lot. He has excellent timing. And Guillaume walks in wearing a priest’s outfit. I say “Guillaume! You used to be a priest?” He says, “I did. But I had to quit because I’m too good at sex.” I sad “Guillaume, you’re one bad motherfucker!”
We high five and he starts throwing holy water on the Hewlett-Packet and going “let the power of Christ compel ya, let the power of Christ compel ya.” It starts printing out nastier and nastier photos of Ted Cruz. One where he’s in a leopard print thong bikini and sucking on a lollipop. Flies up into the face of the sales guy and he starts vomiting black ink all over the store! [vomiting noises] Guillaume responds by pulling out a photo of Jude Law and he says “Let the power of Young Pope compel ya! Let the power of Young Pope compel ya!”
The machine rises up off the ground, starts shakin’, the photo of Jude Law bursts into flames. I go, “Guillaume, whats going on?” He says, “It’s summoning beasts.”
All of a sudden snakes and gerbils, from the Pet Co next door, start flooding in! And the fish, well, they’re just doing their best. I say, “Guillaume, what do we do?” He says, “I don’t know! I’ve never seen evil like this before.” I say, “Hold on. I’ve got an idea so crazy it might just work.” I grab a stack of those nasty thirst traps and I tape them into a long chain. I shove one into the paper supply chain. It starts printing thirst trap photos atop thirst trap photos! I connect the two ends together creating an infinite loop of nasty republican smut! The belt of thirst trap photos starts spinning and spinning and spinning, faster and faster and faster! The sides of the printer start to crack and emit this terrifying light! Guillaume says, “Don’t look into the light!” Of course the sales guy looks right into the light and his face melts off like a pad of butter on a hot stack of flapjacks. Then the printer implodes, creating an unholy wind, sucking everything in the store into it! The gerbils, the snakes, the thirst trap photos! Guillaume and I hold on for dear life! AAAAA [explosion noises]
And it stops. I look at Guillaume, I say, “is it over?” He says, “yeah, it’s over.”
... so I got my niece a gift card instead]
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