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A few years later

Again, never did I expect to be where I am at this point in my life. I realize that you can plan, but never predict. It's 5:38 am, and as usual, a million thoughts are running through my mind. I guess some things about myself will always remain. It's been so long since I've written anything. These days, it's getting harder and harder to organize my chaotic thoughts. I know I have my shit together but sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place. It's almost as if this internal battle in my head has been going on for so long that I'm numb to the pain it's causing me. The fucked up thing is that I don't even know why there's a war going on in my head. From the outside in, I should be happy. Every day I try to find that feeling within me. And maybe it's a process that will last through out my life. Everything is changing so fast, it's hard to process how much of a different person I am. now. Even reading this now my jumbled thoughts are translated even on text. Maybe I just need to find an order to my chaos because I'm tired of fighting it.

[btrkidd-blog]

Another day gone by, time is going quicker these days. I keep searching for a purpose, for my purpose in life. I know I am meant to do great things. But how? and where? Just as long as I keep creating, I think I will find what I am meant to do here on earth. I just want to share my vision with others. I want the world to see how I see the world. I am almost there. I can feel it.

I just need to nip my bad habits in the bud. I need to starve my demons. Or maybe just accept my demons instead of fighting them. I am who I am. I just need to be. And to do, with love and with passion. 

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I will never admit to it out loud, but you were and still are the only person I ever truly loved. 

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It’s 5:05am and you’re reading your old blog post form when you’re 18 years old thinking. what happened?

What happened to the girl that was so unafraid to express how she truly felt. All the optimism has been replaced with bitterness. Cynicism. 

I thought I had my guard up then, look at me now.

Cold. Calculated. 

I hide, not wanting to be hurt by the harsh realities of life. Ignorance really is bliss. And I miss that naivety. I miss being naive to how the cruelties of life could hurt me. 

I took more risks.

But now, everything I do, everything I am, has been altered to protect myself. I can no longer be that brave, unafraid, naive, girl I was before. Life can really break you down. It broke me down. And now, I’m still left picking up the pieces. 

To be 18 again.... 

[btrkidd-blog]

Sometimes, I wonder what the world would be like if everyone could understand what it was like to live in another persons reality. Narcissism would be obsolete and all of our egos would slowly die off. To understand other peoples pain and struggle isn’t easy. To get caught up in your own shit...now that’s easy. 

I have my selfish tendencies, everyone else does. But where to draw the line between looking out whats best for you and looking out for others?. Look out for yourself too much and you are selfish. Look out for others too much and you don’t have a backbone. You’re considered weak, soft hearted. In a world where everyone wants to show they’re strong, being vulnerable means being weak. And when you let yourself care for others, you open yourself up to being vulnerable. 

It’s definitely a scary feeling. Especially, for people like me that have been hurt very badly from opening up and letting myself become vulnerable in the process of being loved and loving others. How do I know that I won’t be hurt again?

I don’t.  No one does.

Letting someone in gets so much harder the more you age. This paradox of wanting my walls to be broken down yet pushing people away is something I think I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I think a lot of people do. I’ll never be sure I won’t be hurt again, but in the end all it does is make me a stronger person.  

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Fleeting, Lasting.

There are times when I can just lose myself in my surroundings and forget myself completely. I get fascinated by watching people and events unfold before me. And I'm totally content with just observing and not participating. I want to watch things unfold in their natural progression. I get inspired, motivated. I get the need to create something - anything! And when I create these things, it comes from a place of pure expression. Creating things just for the purpose of creating. The intention of just being present and having fun while doing so. 

Then there are those times where my ego just completely takes over. I want people to look at me with positive emotions. I want people to feed into my vanity. I crave attention. I act, I put on a show...and I'm so damn good at it. It's easy for me to become the centre of attention in any situation. It's not difficult for me to read people and give them what they want. I know what they want me to say how they want me to act. I become a slave to external circumstances but at the same time thrive. I get a rush when others perceive me in ways that make me feel above them.

It's a constant battle between my ego and my true self everyday. I'm not ashamed to admit that so far the ego has had a lot more victories. But I know I'm not alone in this which comforts me. I observe others and their behaviours very closely. I know everyone struggles with this, maybe I'm one of the few that aren't afraid to talk about it. As I get older though, I'm learning to let go of the superficial things that I thought could make me happy. I realize now that these things only give you a brief satisfaction that is so fleeting. 

Things that don't scratch the surface never last. 

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Hide - Don't Seek.

It's scary how much of you I didn't know. Only now I realize that the one thing we truly shared was how we hid ourselves from each other. How we hide ourselves from the world. I understand now that you were just guarding something you felt was too sacred to share in fear of not being understood. Like you, I want to be understood, but not revealed. I want my feelings to be perceived, but not exposed. I wish to be respected, and yet not be taken too seriously. I am serious and deep in nature, but I don’t want others to dwell on my feelings or have them look too closely at what goes on inside my mind. In a sense, I want others to see me deeply but not directly. I don't think I can ever reveal myself so nakedly to others I know just won't grasp what & who I am. 

"If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears." 

[btrkidd-blog]

Transitions

As the weather transitions, I'm reminded of my travels abroad. Cold weather and rainy days always remind me of France. I can't lie and say I miss being in an entirely different world, so to speak, from time to time. The culture, the fashion, the people. Everyday was a source of inspiration. I want to go back on my own this time & do things that my heart is into. It was a great opportunity to get to travel abroad for dancing but I realized that I wasn't myself when I was there. The people I surrounded myself with, I changed in order to suit their taste. I know a lot of people would love to be able to have done what I did but the truth, I was very unhappy. I felt like I went along with the plans of others, and not my own. Only because I had no sense of direction a couple years back. I just grabbed any opportunities being thrown my way and ran with them. 

The ironic thing is that now that I'm laying low and staying on one place. I'm actually really happy. I never thought I would enjoy going to school this much. I'm finally following my own path and heading in a direction that will allow me to actualize my full potential.I'm finally listening to ME and not everyone else.  Everything just seems RIGHT at the moment. 

[btrkidd-blog]

Freshman

Yesterday, I had my first class and I've never had 3 hours go by so fast before. There are some really talented people in my class which means I'll just have to work that much harder. Everyone is so focused, it's amazing. My cohort is a little older which is nice- they all have a clear direction as to where they want to go with design. 

I'm at Emily Carr for 3 days, it's a bit of a commute but the campus is stunning. All my classes are just introductory courses into design but I'm excited to delve into the more intermediate and technical aspects. 

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Thanksgiving Weeknd

This weekend has quite a few special memories attached to it. I still remember a certain Thanksgiving weekend three years back I wish I could forget now but I am still very thankful for. Probably, one of the happiest weekends of my life.  Everything was new again and the future looked so...complete. It didn't matter what I was doing as long as one aspect of my life stayed the same. The one aspect that I could always count on that made up the other half of my life. But as we all know, the way you imagine your future...most of the time differs from the reality of it.  I don't regret the direction my life is going in now. In fact, it feels like everything is coming together quite well. I have so much gratitude for the things I have accomplished, the people in my life, and what I have. I'm very lucky to have the kind of life I have lived in my 23 years here on earth.  I'm just having one of those moments where I wish I could have my cake and eat it too. I really could have had it all. But I guess, life wanted to teach me an important lesson. Losing one thing I couldn't bare to lose really opened my eyes. If I am ever so lucky to come across that one thing I gained that Thanksgiving weekend three years ago; I will know how to cherish it better. And maybe one day...I really can have it all. 

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Crestfallen

I always hear people say that women are the prettiest when they are happy. I disagree. A happy woman does have it's own charms...but there is just something about a woman with a slight melancholic aura (for me at least).  There is a certain seductive quality in a woman that isn't afraid to show a little sadness peak through her mask. When I see women like this... it makes me feel a certain way. These women seem a lot more real to me than the ones with smiles plastered on their faces constantly. 

I saw a stunning woman on the train home the other day. I couldn't help but stare. Pale skin, long black hair, and the biggest - saddest eyes I've ever seen. She smiled at me but the sadness in her eyes remained. I was stunned. Suddenly, everyone on the train seemed so..fake compared to her. I could sense her fragility. I could feel her sorrow and yet she still was kind enough to offer a smile to a complete stranger. Actions like that are rare these days. Her crestfallen vibe was so alluring to me. I have a thing for people that don't pretend to be happy all the time and accept the inherent sadness they have instilled in them. 

It's beautiful.

[btrkidd-blog]

This EP....

Holy shit. 

[btrkidd-blog]

DILEMMA CENTRAL

Fucked if I do, and fucked if I don't.

Seriously, sometimes people can be so exhausting. There's always been this offhanded coldness about me when it comes to peoples feelings that I never show. For some odd reason, people feel as if they can tell me all about their disgusting feelings. Not that I'm judging them about it (maybe that's why they feel as if they can reveal these things to me) but it's just that I really don't give two flying fucks. I mean I don't bother you with my gross emotions... I'm starting to think that I'm losing the ability to feel with each passing day. Why should I be bothered with yours? I feel awkward. ESPECIALLY when crying is involved. 

But I've become so good at hiding the fact that I don't care. Because the harsh reality is that people talk. Not that I care about what people think, but I do place importance on my reputation. Naturally, being an INTJ, I lean more towards the logical side of things. I often don't see the point of getting upset over something if it seems illogical to me, so I find it hard to sympathize with most human beings. 

I've only shown genuine sympathy to my true friends. Is that such a bad thing? 

A lot of people get positive stimulation from being social with others. I find being in social situations an immense chore. And at parties or social gatherings I have to be very inebriated due to how mentally bored I am.   Largely, if it's with humans I barely know. The only time I find it interesting is when I come up with social experiments I can conduct and can gather information about human behaviour. But I often go home needing to recharge and be by myself with my own thoughts for a couple of days.

Oh, the joys of being an introvert.  

[btrkidd-blog]

Shade

The further I distance myself from the things that I couldn't let go of, I'm beginning to gain a little clarity. Someone once told me that it's either "ALL or NOTHING" with me - like it was a curse. The way they it came out of their condescending mouth sounded like they ate something incredibly bitter and then spit that phrase out. Weakly, I apologized for it then. I regret that now. This....it's who I was - and still am. There are certain areas where mediocrity and compromise is just not an option for me.

I never want to apologize for who I am again.

People always seem to fall for my potential. They see this promise of this idealized woman I will become when I mature - someday, one day....But what happens to all these people when they see that side of me that is raw & unrefined? What happens when I expose them to the demons in my head, that I accept but struggle to deal with, although try my damn best to change everyday? Don't ask me because they never stick around long enough. It fucking sickens me how once I'm on the rise these snakes come crawling back into my life. 

It's either ya with me or ya ain't. Or you pretended to be but never were.... Either way ALL OR NOTHING right?

[btrkidd-blog]

Sometimes, words alone do not suffice in explaining how I feel. Made this track today as soon as I got home from practice. 

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Limbo

Lately, it feels as if everything is cycling to the beginning again in a lot of aspects of my life. I can’t help but feel nostalgic as Fall begins, No matter what there is always some sort of parallel to the past. Different situations yet the feeling is still the same. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever break this rhythm that I’ve been dancing to for almost a decade. Why is it always the same pattern? Why is it that I don’t want to break away?

Has it become something I’ve grown to need in my life? A presence, even if unseen, is still there….under my skin & in my mind in the darkest hours of the night. A feeling of safety and security.

The feeling of always wanting what I can’t have. 

Having the power of temptation is addicting. Dangerous. I’m infatuated with the idea of it all. It’s odd, but I like being in this kind of limbo. Nothing is for sure and everything is clouded in mystery. 

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Spark

Stumbled across my old blog and read a few entries from the time I was 18. The way I wrote, how I felt...so naive but effervescent. And the one thing that surprised me the most was how honest I was with expressing my feelings. It's a little unnerving how gradually I've learned to keep my feelings hidden. I guess all the negative experiences of wearing my heart on my sleeve really changed me. Reading my old blog post has made me realize that I've become so cynical. Now I'm sitting here wondering what happened to the girl who used to be so excited about life?.

I don't get excited the way I used to. That spark I used to have, it's gone now.Why? Maybe, that's just the way it is as you get older. If so, that really saddens me.  I used to care about things - now I really don't give a fuck. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It's like everything seemed to be shiny & colourful and now everything is dull & bland. Even with new experiences, I find myself getting bored.

I used to feel like everything I did mattered but now after realizing how minuscule and fleeting life here on earth is - I feel quite the opposite. Maybe, I just need to get involved with something bigger. You know, try to make a difference in this world on a large scale. A big dream for a small nobody like me. I might not be able to change the world during my time here on earth, but maybe I can start something that can. As of now, I don't have an exact goal in mind- but I'm sure it will actualize itself eventually.