Everyone has heard before of eating disorders. Anorexia. Bulimia. Compulsive eating. Even tho its maybe not taboo anymore but just hard to bring these issues to public discussion and being treated as serious mental illnesses rather than just a choice one can make as if it were shoes.. one type of ED that has been barely brought up is EDNOS.
There's some people that wonāt skip all of their meals to lose weight. Some people that wonāt binge eat and then purge themselves out of guilt. Some people who arenāt so overweight that itās dangerous for their health but they canāt stop eating to deal with their emotions because they donāt know any different.Ā
Thereās people who does all of them at the same time and are so confused about what is wrong with them because they canāt even define themselves in one mental illness to ask for help. Because there are normal, happy days too when it all seems fine and any episode that couldāve been thought of as an ED seems like just that, an episode.Ā
But here they come back.. the panic attacks. Crisis. Moments when the only logical option seems to be eating till thereās nothing left because I feel so desperate to fill an empty space. Not only junk food but whateverās on the way. Even if itās whole wheat pita chips. Chicken. Fruit. Anything edible is fine for me. But wait.. all that food is going to make me gain weight, that weight iāve been fighting for so long, dieting and working out to get rid of my stubborn belly fat will all go to waste! I need to get rid of it! Time to lock myself in the bathroom with the TV on loud enough.
Ok, Iām strong. I can stop myself from eating junk food. Or any food for that matter. If I work out and burn all those extra calories that are making me store fat I will get skinnier and pretty. Like all those girls I see in movies.. like all those celebs who seem so happy and loved. Yes, I will eat just enough to trick my mind into thinking Iāve already had a meal.
Yeah I know, that was wrong, I will take care of myself this week. How silly I am, deep down I know Iām fine the way I am. I am happy and I need to focus on being healthy, not skinny. There are so many fitness programmes that will help me achieve my goals! Its the best investment I can make. It looks so hard to be like all those fitness gurus on instagram but they say itās possible.. Besides, if my role model could do it, so can I.Ā
Yay the weekend! Iāve been good, I deserve a cheat meal, right? Well.. a cheat day. Oh lets party tonight! Maybe have a couple of beers. Some vodka? umm.. ok, once in a while it canāt hurt. Whoa.. Im so drunk all I want is pizza! Who cares about being skinny, Im so happy right now!
Damn it! What did I do yesterday? Im sure Ive gained back all of the weight I managed to lose the past month. And all there is on the fridge is pizza and ice-cream. And Iām starving. Ok lets have some, I can get rid of it once Iām done.Ā
Yes, people. Thatās just a small example of the life of someone living with EDNOS. Even when one knows itās totally wrong to live like this, and even when youāve tried to explain it wether its directly or not to a few people, no one will understand. Because not even you understand it yourself.
I used to think I was falling into bulimia. But then I would be like naah.. I still have control over it, I can go a month without even thinking about throwing up. I can eat a burger and feel guilty but not enough to get depressed and do something about it. But then there can be the tiniest trigger that will make me have three or more episodes a week.Ā
Once randomly surfing through the internet I came up with the term EDNOS:Ā
āA person with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) may present with many of the symptoms of other eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa but will not meet the full criteria for diagnosis of these disorders. This does not mean that the person has a less serious eating disorder. EDNOS is a serious mental illness that occurs in adults, adolescents and children. 40% ā 60% of people who seek treatment for an eating disorder have EDNOS. People with EDNOS commonly present with extremely disturbed eating habits, a distorted body image and an intense fear of gaining weight. EDNOS is the most common eating disorder diagnosed for adults as well as adolescents, and affects both males and females equally.ā
As Im writing this, Iām re-reading the warning signs and I have no doubt thatās what I have. The only problem? I canāt deal with it just yet. Iām not brave enough to talk about it. Because I know people wonāt understand. Same as they think their jokes on my eating habbits or my cheat meals when Iām always so obsessed over eating healthy have no effect on me. And to be honest, itās not their responsability. Iām the one who is messed up, not them.
I just felt the need to let it out in a safe place where no one I know reads this. But where maybe I can help other people dealing with the same things. Youāre not the only one. If youāre strong and brave enough to ask for help, know that I admire you and I wish you the best.
http://nedc.com.au/recognise-the-warning-signs
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