Bullshit Advice

We're a team who write down unfiltered bullshit that could potentially be helpful advice.

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Gelatinous goo

You know those toys as children, the jelly or putty that you would play with and you’d mess with in your hands?

We here at bullshitadvice recommend not to stick your dick into any of those things. The hospital statement for removal is highway robbery and you might as well just sell the Gelatinous goo at twenty stacks anyways.

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We here at Bullshit Advice also discourge you from sticking your dick in any children's toy. If we are going to be honest that's the kind of stuff pedophiles do.

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Buoy

Buoys are pretty cool wouldn’t you say? We here at bullshit advice love them. If you’re in the water please submerge your head and listen, if you hear the Jaws theme song, you’re in trouble. This has nothing to do with buoys we just wanted to let you know they’re cool.

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What the fuck

Hey don’t borrow my Daria The Complete Series DVD box set if you’re gonna drop the case in a goddamn fishbowl ya fuckin bing bong

There’s some advice for ya. Dang

[bullshitadvice]

Gelatinous goo

You know those toys as children, the jelly or putty that you would play with and you’d mess with in your hands?

We here at bullshitadvice recommend not to stick your dick into any of those things. The hospital statement for removal is highway robbery and you might as well just sell the Gelatinous goo at twenty stacks anyways.

[bullshitadvice]

Passion for Anything

Life can be difficult. Your bosses don’t appreciate you. Your significant other cheats on you. Someone shits in the driver seat of your car. Everyone you know and love dies eventually, leaving you alone.

We here at Bullshit Advice recommend you find something you enjoy to do. Then do that thing. So that thing before you fall into an unrecoverable depression that you’ll never recover from as everyone around you dies, and then you die, eventually rotting away into nothing, with no one left who even cares that you’ve lived.

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Bloodborne

Don’t play this game. That’s it, this is our advice to you.

Fuck you Shadow of Yharnam. And you too Rom Vacuos Spider, don’t think I don’t see you there you scurrying piece of shit.

I hate you why can’t I quit you stop bringing me back in.

[bullshitadvice]

Field Trips

During your growth as an adolescent, you are given the opportunity to leave the confines of your classroom and explore the world with classmates. Teachers will take you to see wonderful sights and activities. One activity will be visiting jobs such as where firemen work, or politicians in their town halls. We here at bullshitadvice think it’s stupid to have kids expect a wonderful job, and should be taken on field trips to places they will actually work in the real world: Garbage disposals, janitorial offices, roof repairs, the local McDonald's. The kids will thank you for not deceiving them with unbelievable expectations!

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Legend of Zelda

There is nothing quite like playing Miyamoto’s masterpieces; The thrill of dungeons and loot, music that tugs at the heartstrings, Link’s fine ass on Epona. Nothing could possibly ruin such a perfect world for you right? Wrong. There is that one person in your life who will do the unthinkable. They will call Link by the name of Zelda, bringing into question their allegiance to you. Do not waiver and follow our advice to weed out the one who wishes to smear the love of your life.

Does one of your friends actually enjoy the water dungeons? Do they perhaps actually enjoy the company of Navi? Follow your gut that individual is the blasphemer. Feed that person to Twinmold right now. Just do it. Do not be dissuaded as they scream out “BUT IT’S JUST A NAME LOOK I’M SORRY DON’T LET ME BE EATEN”, they were the Judas to your Jesus except you are actually getting them killed.

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On The Relationship Between Your Friend Jeffery and Your Bread Loaf

We here at bullshitadvice recommend that you do not allow Jeffery free access to the bread loaf in your kitchen. There is no reason for him to eat so much bread. We are not blaming Jeffery for the missing mustard; we would also like to mention that you should pay close attention to your homemade condiment wheel, even when you believe you are surrounded by friends.

Please pay me back for the bread, Jeffery.

[bullshitadvice]

Musical obsession

We all love music, and as the great Bob Marley once put it “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”. To truly appreciate these words, you must become one with music. In order to achieve this, install speakers into your ears, and a sub-woofer somewhere between the two intestines. (Side note: ensure you have a charging “slot” somewhere, any orifice on your body will do, just make sure it’s well insulated!) You will now live out Marley’s words, as no punches of anger from classmates or co-workers who are annoyed at the constant sound emanating from you can stop you, the constant flow of music around you will cease the pain!

[bullshitadvice]

Discipline

A pound of self-discipline is worth seventeen tons of talent. Consider that exchange rate. Like, really. That’s a ridiculous ratio, and it’s stone-cold fact.

We here at Bullshit Advice ask that you keep at it, whatever it is that you’re doing, unless you are in the act of murder. In which case—stop doing that, you monster.

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Yeah, you monster

[bullshitadvice]

With Great Height Comes A Mighty Need

It's a common occurrence for someone to have to urinate every hundred or so feet above sea level. When you reach these specific spots, called Yellow Zones, it's important not to unleash the flood gates off the side of whatever elevation you are on. You could accidentally pee on someone.

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Mother's Birthday

We here at Bullshit Advice recommend taking the day off from your hobbies on your mother's birthday. She could die any day now.

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Customer Service

One of the most stressful things in life is having to call into a customer service line. Despite an interruption of the horribly distorted music every twenty seconds where a recorded voice tells you that they appreciate your business, it doesn't really seem like they appreciate your business. We here at Bullshit Advice have become fed up with dealing with problems on this level, but we've also found a solution. The next time you call in to customer service, click your tongue or raspberry after every sentence. You're guaranteed to get your problem fixed sooner! If they question what you're doing, don't be afraid to break down into fake tears, crying about how no one ever understands.

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No Shave November

We here at Bullshit Advice recently became aware of a phenomenon called "No Shave November" where apparently people go the entire month of November without shaving. We recommend practicing No Shave December as well. Hell, throw in January, too. You can't take January without February. Fuck it, just don't shave.

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Halloween

We here at Bullshit Advice would like to wish you a happy Halloween.

We have one specific warning for you for this holiday: do not replace your teeth with candy corn. Not only will you waste all that mastication practice you've amassed over the years, but you also might inadvertently encourage strangers to eat you. If you're into that sort of thing, however, we won't judge you, whatever path you decide to take.

We only really judge that one guy who comes to the party in a t-shirt that says "COSTUME" on it.

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I have this problem where I have too many games to play, and I don't know how to make time for them all, can you help me?

We here at Bullshit Advice are experienced at dealing with a conflict between time for leisure and time for work. In order to properly answer this, we decided to poll the staff (although not physically, as bruises can ruin certain costumes on Halloween). Here are answers we received from ourselves because we talk to ourselves regularly both metaphorically and literally:

Unless you have a game about anime lawyers on your list (in which case you should play nothing else), play a little bit of everything in the line until you realize what you're really in the mood for at present, then play that until you don't want to.

We here at Bullshit Advice have discovered that sleep actually dulls your senses and makes you prone to mistakes and misery. To both improve your life and find a way to fit more games in, you should ween yourself off sleep. We recommend striving for the Uberman sleep schedule before going cold turkey. It'll change your life for the better.

A great way to make up time on your ever expanding library of games, which we here at Bullshit Advice have done on several occasions, is to tell all of your friends, family, and loved ones to go away while we quit our jobs for a few weeks. Have an important meeting tomorrow? Stanley Parable is your new boss and he determines your schedule. Is your wedding coming up? Those pesky templars aren't going to assassinate themselves: the marriage can wait. Alienating those who care for you will guarantee you can push through your games.