A BURNING FLOWER IN A SEA OF LILIES

I've erased my past self so many times... will this be the last?

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

This is what i look like irl btw.

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

You would never listen, would you?

waking up here again in all your grand naivete with sore, tired feet and an unweel stomach. You're afraid of everything now and putting it on public display.

Today marks the day i almost jumped out of my balcony and there's no one to give a fuck. everything means nothing. My wife's asleep, my best friend probably doesn't even remember me and everyone else is just a lost cause. No one in my family would bear listening to my confessions. What a worthless idiot i am.

So it might end at any moment now, really. It's back here again and the antidepressants are still doing their heavy lifting, but it's not enough. The hopelessness is unbearable.

Cutting myself is normal.

Suicide attempts are normal.

Being miserable is normal.

These things barely move anyone anymore. Nothing's gonna change now. everything will go to shit. Simply, any natural call my brain made to signal to others that i am suffering has met itself with the unmovable force that no matter the suffering, the cause is still invalid to them. So why am i here still? Failed others and everyone else. Pointless.

And what tomorrow? Another question *are you alright" followed by my response *i want to die" and then to be met with "why" and oh look another bunch of nothing gets sent as i either cannot respond or am forced to tone it down to something less bad. And i do not want Tomorrow to happen...

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

I hope tomorrow won't happen

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

My life will be sacrificed to art as my parting gift, a firework show to end it all off and this moron creature is the sigil of it all

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Denatured humanity

Denatured humanity

Denatured huamnity

Denatured humanity

Denatured humanity

The tail of instinct will dance in soul with flame

The tail of law breaks rules of old days

The tail of thought will judge them both

You'll feel your will stop taking hold

You'll drift into a feeling fierce

A bond with beast that halts your breath

The flowers bloom from under skin

The soul's eyes witness final sin

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Another horrific day goes by of suffering in the social cage of living with my family. I'm supposed to like it but it's the worst.

I can't enjoy myself, it's pathetic. Whenever they see me being in awe or happy in any way they immediately use that vulnerability to jump on me.

I can't be sad. It's wrong. Every frown is used as evidence of me being ungrateful.

I can't express myself. My mom makes remarks on everything i do about how she dislikes it.

I can't focus on what i enjoy. It always gets interrupted.

Denatured humanity. Nobody here except for me is in touch with instinct. Always turning the tv on, listening to terrible mainstream music or watching low effort millennial targeted netflix shows. Denatured lifestyle. Trying their hardest to infuse their life with discipline and rid themselves of their needs.

Touch

Affection

Self expression

Anger

Sexuality

Love

Honesty

All despicable vices in this household.

Are white european cis-filled heteronormative families with undiagnosed neurodivergence pretending to be as normal as possible the worst thing ever? It's more likely than you think.

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

i'm sorry kris you're gamebob is color </3

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

july 12th

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Well that cape sure was hard to make

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Randomly popped into my head and felt like i had to do it

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Time?

Is it that time again?

Another july 12th has begun. The "big" day of disappointments. Hyping myself up for things that won't be anything much. A day that could only ever remind me of how small we are.

You can only live through july 12 so many times, as life isn't eternal. Nothing is.

The wishes will come in about 5 hours. I cannot feel anything other than fear. Absolute, paralysing fear. More meaningful words I can't feel to send back a "thanks" for.

Ironic how everyone wants, at least in some selfish way of proving to themselves that they're good, give as many gifts as they can. Truly, i want much less. Always less. Nothing. Silence.

Only... Silence...

Darkness and silence... Calming

I hate birthdays...

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

ralph sey is so rel fr

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

The deltarune subreddit mods decided to obliterate my nutsack so hard for posting this that it reminded me there's a better website to post this on

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

I do not know if this is a universal thing, but turns out, being a self loving, selfish prick whose entire life revolves around corny self expression is a lifestyle that leaves me with a lot less things to hide behind my back and a lot more expressed joy so there's a lot of space left in my brain for loving others.

making me SOMEHOW less selfish by being more selfish. Life's funny.

[pastacat2]

European Firebug

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Love these guys, pretty patternz... -w-

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

If u scroll past this ur

[burn1ngfl0w3r5]

Such hatred. And i hate it so.

A drawing i simultaneously like and loathe.

So poorly done, and i just keep coming back to it. What i am, what I'm not. All random choices that don't matter. Never moving forward, always looking back.