Is it fucked up to feel good for those who died too young/overdosed? Probably. I just guess, I see it as if I were to go; that would be the ideal way. Young, still pretty enough for people to really remember me, and doing what I loved most, self destruction. I mean a gun and all that, it’s just so gory. I would rather close my eyes and not wake up than have the potential to live as someone who “tried to kill themselves” but didn’t succeed so now they have an even worse time trying to get thru adulthood. Maybe I’m looking into it too much and maybe other people think like how I am now. I just feel crazy for feeling a sense of relief for those I’ve lost, because they don’t have to navigate this world of being independent and on ur own in a world that was not made for us to truly be independent and on our own.
And maybe I also feel a huge sense of sadness and loss, because they will also never get to experience the good sides of it. But to be fair, I’m 25 almost 26 and the good sides of it still haven’t out weighed the bad. Still makes me want to lose my sanity every other week. But I’m trying. And maybe I do feel happiness when I see older women and their husbands, other with the best friends that did make it that far. I just don’t know. I don’t know how they made it so far with a smile and friends. I want that so badly.. but do I? I hate having bpd, it makes me so black and white. So in the moment yet so far away constantly. I can’t stop self sabotaging. It’s fucking lame. And I just, I don’t know I guess.
