#bluediary : not enough.
dime of dozen , average, just 'live' , no one likes you, people hates you from the bottom of their heart actually, 'you need to be a mature one' , that one siblings seems like 'failure' , that one friend who awkward, not ugly but not pretty too girl , 'your voice is annoying ' , 'you always wants to attention ' by I just being under the weather like a normal person , ' don't try to use your mental health card here , you don't have depression and anxiety ' when I already consult the canselor and physiologist about my mental health that I confirmed ' have critical major depression ' and having it over 4 years already and when I literally have anxiety attack when I can't breath for over 5 seconds one time because of all the pressure people around me put on me about my education and expect everything perfect from me
' why you are so dumb ? stop being dumb' said by own family when I literally tried my hardest to learn a lot of things on my own but I just late bloomer compared to my siblings.
' looked at [ my childhood friend name ] , she enter good university and enter tv because her good result , you will never ' towards directly to my heart and I stayed quiet.
' don't talk too much , I hate the sound of your voices, it's irritating me for no reason ' so I tried to stopped talking .
my uncle tried to touch me specifically my tights when I was a child aged 11 years old during playing a game and it become my worst memory to remember.
I always despite him but I afraid of telling my family because he is family.
' don't cry , I hate your crying sound' so, I developed my own technique to cry in silent without sound and I tried to cry at night usually till I fall asleep.
' even you tried to put effort on yourself, you just not pretty enough to makes people looks at you' so I developed mentality that I'm not pretty and strict my self from fall in love after I reached age 19 years old.
' you always wasting money , try to save your money' when all I buy is my necessarity also books to learn so I literally don't eat to save much money to give for my parents and just look at my peers and other siblings go to many place together but I stayed at home.
'you are the problem, no matter people said , you are the only problem that not right in your family and friends got' so I try to distance myself from everything.
' you are ungrateful antisocial person who never looked at other people ' I care about people feeling as much other people too.. but I afraid if it's true that I just bring problems and wrong event to them.
' you are so dry in talking, no wonder nobody likes you' , said by my first love , with disgusted face and his friends around him look at me like an animal in the street.
I gotten reject by my longtime crush after one week he said thinking, he said he wants me to wait for him in 5 years because of his studies.
' you deserved to be bullied , honestly ' said by elementary and high school best friends after my 'flaws' that I hide because I want to feel what is the feeling to being friend.
then I created my 'LYN, my alter ego to survive.
I put my 'lyn' once I reached 20 years old .
lyn is perfect version of me , lyn is everything I want to be , lyn is my dream girl, lyn is a strong girl who never crying .
lyn is my guardian angel , a mask from this world.
yet.
a person who under ordinary among people ever exist in this life, it's me.
I never being myself because there is always something wrong gonna happened whenever I'm smiling a lot.
if people asked me , that are you miss your childhood memories , then my answer is not.
I don't want to be child again.
I don't want to have a child too because I don't want my child to have me as their mother , I just don't want my children to have any painful memories as me as their mother. I'm keeps thinking my children will not being happy if I being their mom .
they deserve better person to called mom and being their children. I'm not a good person to be called mom .
but.
my rabb , please i just want love .
can someone please hug once before I die one day ?
I just want someone , one person in 10 bilion of people , a person who will always hold my stuttering hands when I start talking with people because I'm not comfortable with people watching me , someone who said lots of reassuring things to my heart who always insecure about everything and PTSD trauma from childhood. someone who always stand up for me even the whole world hates me . someone who never thinks my ' flaws ' is something that stop them from likes me , someone who will miss me when I died , someone who gives their all when I flopped hard in the ground because I stopped breathing one day, someone who a normal that can accept my imperfect self that not good at anything. someone who wants to help me to find my lost self, someone who always teaches me about islam and never looked down at my past with islam. someone
someone who loves me , with all their heart.
