Leaves and Butterflies

Sometimes life calms down just long enough to allow itself to be written

[ratio-ratio]

Her smile changed the same way leaves change colors. Beautifully, but you know it will soon fall.

@thewinksofgod (via thewinksofgod)

[butterflyleaf]

My Mother’s Child

I'm mother's wild child. The un-predictable. The un-tamed. The un-constant. The changing variable. The fish that swims against the current. The left when everyone is right. The red crew socks with orange shoes and a blue dress. The free titties and thongs daughter. The flowers in kinky hair girl. The sun kissed, melanin blessed, thick thighs un-modest goddess. I'm my mother's wild child.

[paperbackward]

“Write. Rewrite. When not writing or rewriting, read. I know of no shortcuts.” -Larry L. King

(via paperbackward)

[butterflyleaf]

A Letter to Him

Every morning I wake up and I send you a text that simply reads "good morning." Half the time I don't even get a response back, the other half I get a "gm." I've never asked more of you than you're willing to give, but a simple text back to acknowledge that I do exist. I know the hurt you've been through, I've been through hurt as well. But we all process things differently. You still need some time to allow your heart to open and trust again. I get that. I probably get that more than anybody else. I was cheated on with my cousin and my best friend by two different guys. I understand betrayal and I understand hurt. You still feel a type of way about the other girl. I understand. So I'm giving you space. But you were over one day, and we wound up in my bed. Three words accidently slipped from my lips and you boldly said them back. Once we finished, you explained that you meant it. You just had a hard time showing it because of your past. I accepted that. I can't force you to be ready for anything, and I control the way you act towards me. But on those days, when I can't even get a "gm" text back, I wonder what your definition of love is. This thing is just as scary for me as it is for you. I have to put in conscious effort to convince myself that you wouldn't hurt me the way I have been hurt in the past. I have to remind myself that you are entirely different from whatever other guys have been in my life and hurt me. I have to consciously open myself up to the idea of love and being vulnerable with another human being. I respect that it's taking you more time to deal with this. THe only thing I want is a morning text back. Just acknowledge that I exist and that you care about me. I'm not her.

[butterflyleaf]

Fragments

I tried to write your laughter, but your ego got in the way. I was willing to bend but you wanted bro ken. Half a lover. Never complete

[butterflyleaf]

Halo

I realized I was in love with you when I went to the Beyonce Formation World Tour in Chicago. We were celebrating my bestfriend's 23rd birthday. Beyonce slayed. Of course. It was magical. My very first Beyonce concert and she did not let me down. I thought the rain was going to cancel the show, but it stopped and she came out singing Formation. No warm-up. Just "Bam here I am bitches!" I was in love. It only got better from there. At one point this girl was out singing in the rain! And I was like "damn I love her!" She channeled the ancestors when she performed Freedom. Had a damn wading pool on stage splashing around, seemingly daring us to challenge history. I lost my shit. BUt the thing that got me, was the very last song she performed. She told us to get somebody in mind. Somebody that we really loved and cared about. Somebody we would do anything for. And once we had that person in mind, sing to them. I thought of you. She began singing Halo. And even though you were approximately 408.4 miles away, I sang to you with all my heart as if you were right there in front of me. You broke down walls I didn't even realize I had built with no effort at all. When we first started talking, I said I didn't want a relationship, but somehow you made me want everything. This is when I realized I was in love with you. Regardless of everything else. Despite all the other guys that have entered and exited my life, I'm willing to go down this road with you even though it frightens me.

[butterflyleaf]

Restless

I’m having a night. Today I randomly started thinking about my exes. It started with the last one. How he was almost perfect, but flirted too much. And I broke up with him. Tried to stay his friend but he used all the secrets I told him to hurt me. Then I started thinking about high school. How I got cheated on. How my “best friend” that I got cheated on with told my boyfriend that he deserved someone better then me. What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anybody ever stick around? Someone that’s actually good for me. I already knew I was going to have a tough time getting to sleep tonight. I tried calling the one guy that I thought would make me feel better, but he started talking about his friend that didn’t answer the phone. I just want to be listened to. I want someone for the talking that will allow me to pour out all my hurts and my fears and won’t use it against me. Now I feel like I’m being left behind... I know I should pray, but I don’t know if God would actually listen to me. And I know He would. In my mind right now He won’t though. I’ve got Good to Love on repeat. He asked me if I have depression. lol. Thanks for being so concerned. I’m not even a proper writer. I have motivation in my bones. If I was smaller it’d just be stripping and forget everything else. I’ m not sure what this life is anymore. I want to get in a car and just drive until I come to a body of water. And I’d just sit there and gaze at it until the salty water washed away all the bad in my life. And I’d be new. And clean. And pure. And then maybe people wouldn’t hurt themselves trying to get away from me. I don’t even have my cat right now. ... I don’t want to feel this anymore. And yet I keep feeling it. Patience. Each flower blooms in its own time or some hopeful bullshit that’s supposed to make me feel better. I need my soul to rest. I’m not all that bad I don’t think. Maye just a little bit crazy. Not completely though. drhjhjlhdjdagfstfkjjklxggshjnghf,mxffszdmjh. Deep sigh.

[butterflyleaf]

When did I stop being enough for you?

Leaves and Butterflies

[heldinhishands]

i don’t think it was ever meant to be a battle. a wrestle. two souls put in a ring and the one less vulnerable wins.

while the other limps away, dragging their tail, kicking themselves for throwing in their heart and sleeve and anything else within reach that was worth giving up for love.

and everything they take back gives them an aftertaste

of the victor’s punch. 

[deadly-danaid]

All these years I’ve been looking for a home and a brand new start. I should have known to be looking for you instead; real homes are made of skin and have beating hearts.

I’m finally coming home || Monica Lynn (via cataclysms-womb)

[butterflyleaf]

And then reality crept in: while I was trying to keep you happy, I lost my own soul.

Leaves and Butterflies

[butterflyleaf]

Fragments

I tried to write your laughter, but your ego got in the way. I was willing to bend but you wanted bro ken. Half a lover. Never complete

[butterflyleaf]

When did you outgrow your happiness?

Leaves and Butterflies (via butterflyleaf)

[butterflyleaf]

Grits and Eggs

I wonder if I mean anything to you. Like grits and eggs. Simple and comforting yet so delicious. It's nothing fancy like the cavalier you've become accustomed to. But you still remember the grits and eggs. Back in mama's kitchen where worries were samll and smiles big. When did mama's kitchen become too small for you? When did you outgrow your happiness I sit by the window, the smell of lemons fill my nose as I wait for you. You left. I stayed. Something about finding yourself. But you took pieces of me with. You created yourself a new person. But in the darkest hours of the night my voice tickles your ear, you smell the lemons, and taste the grits and eggs on the tip of your tongue. You try to push me out. Erase me. Forget me. But your brain won't wipe away how my skin felt pressed against your skin. You tried to leave me behind, but you can't. No matter how far you try to run, you'll always come back to the comfort of grits and eggs. I'll always be yours.

[butterflyleaf]

When did you outgrow your happiness?

Leaves and Butterflies

[butterflyleaf]

Since I don’t post enough, here’s some writing

[thingstolovefor]

“You Are A Queen!” by Ernestine Johnson. Powerful poem about Beyoncé’s “Formation”

“Together we are unstoppable. The perfect definition of powerful.” #Love it!