— - #BVLVHAN >> an independent single muse blog for an oc simply known as CAIO [ kal yeong-su ]. no more studies — just oaths and promises that he is beholden to. it is his job, after all... to heal. to save. [ penned by hollis, 25+ ]
Wulf only sees value in himself when he is of use to others. He doesnt believe he is a permanent fixture in the lives of those around him ( which, right now, revolves around being given orders ) and knows that eventually, he'll be shelved for a version of him ( or someone else ) that is better. More efficient. Does what they're told without complaining. More personable. Isnt as choleric. Etc etc.
the thought... kinda depresses him but, at the same time, he does not believe he can do much about it. He is stuck in this loop of not necessarily wanting to be needed but wanting to be enough as he is. He doesn't want to feel like he is constantly in danger of being replaced. He feels like there is a fine line that he walks between obedience and whatever else is not that because he feels so restless. There may be a part of him that wants to do something about it but it is strangled by the part of him that knows nothing can be done.
Life will go on whether or not he figures it out. So why stress himself out trying to root out whatever is bothering him?
He will be replaced. People will move on. Whatever about him that made him important means nothing. It doesn't matter. He is a tool. He is a means to an end. He is a stand-in for someone better and when that better comes, he will be obsolete.
In this vein, Wulf tends to externalize a lot of these emotions. So if he's being rude or particularly nasty, there is a small chance that he's 5 seconds away from a depressive crash out and needs to take it out on something ( or someone ). He will push and push and push until he feels better. Otherwise, he'll pop from internalizing so much and after that.... is usually when the many contingencies prepared explicitly for him need to be used. its in these instances that he needs to be reigned in. surprise--when the supernatural being whose mental health is held together by duct tape and a dream isn't feeling too "normal", he reacts in the worst possible way. who knew that cultivating an environment where he feels disposable results in him feeling like this?
This, by the way, is the crux of why he absolutely hates Caio at some point. Hates him with a blinding passion paired with so much bottled up resentment, you could sell it. Because they don't interact much, it doesn't come to the surface very often. He has his issues with Ranni but... with her, it's different. She's a coward, in his opinion, but a spiteful, vengeful one and his life isn't displaced by hers at present. Caio, on the other hand, "replaced" him and is thus under greater scrutiny
It's not even that Caio is useless ( because surgeon currently. Combat medic in the past ) but because Ji-Hwan does not stop talking about Caio to Wulf. He does not stop highlighting the things that make Caio "exceptional" to him or in conversation. He de-prioritizes whatever fixation he has on Wulf to focus on Caio. And while it isn't like he completely forgets about Wulf, there is a clear and persistent bias in how Ji-Hwan behaves with Caio as opposed to Wulf...which Wulf clocks immediately. However, Caio does nothing for Ji-Hwan. He simply has to be around and Ji-Hwan, in Wulf's opinion, falls over himself. And for someone that supposedly wants no contact with Ji-Hwan, the fact that Caio maintains said contact has Wulf thinking that Caio is some sort of hypocrite.
and so, drawing back to wulf only seeing utility in himself when he is of use to someone, it cuts a little deep when he's relegated to minor tasks. to babysitting. to fetching people. when the prior experience is rooted in having actual value towards ji-hwan's research, the change hurts. you would think he's grateful but no, he is not. he gets upset because he perceives it as personal.
If Caio simply existed and Wulf did not have to interact with Caio's existence, he 100% would not care. However, because he is forced to confront it every time Ji-Hwan needs something, he receives constant reminders of his own inadequacy. To be forced to interact with the root of said emotions only makes it worse for him. If it didn't make him so angry, he would just shut down because... what else can he do? He can't exactly just get rid of Caio so he avoids him for the most part.
The few times Ji-Hwan has asked Wulf to like. Monitor him, Wulf has flat out refused and told him to get someone else. The only times he agrees to interact with him is usually when Caio "gives" Ji-Hwan a reason to have him dragged back to Hartworth for... obvious reasons. it is not Caio's fault and Wulf knows that.. but lashing out at Ji-Hwan results in drastic measures that are meant to make him docile. which i will cover at a later date. lashing out at caio the few times it's needed, result in nothing he cannot already handle. it's the path of less resistance. plus, he already doesn't like caio so.... yeah.
tl;dr--wulf is someone that knows he will be replaced and does not want to be. however, he knows he can't do anything about it, really. blames ji-hwan because of his obvious bias, hates caio for it and thinks caio is a hypocrite for continuing to interact with ji-hwan despite saying he doesn't want ji-hwan around. he seeks validation and higher use from the very man that discarded him. if given the opportunity, he will vent said frustrations out on others instead of internalizing them. he's also like a ticking time bomb every time he's reminded of it. this is why he's always got a look like he doesn't wanna be here and why he acts particularly mean sometimes. hope this helps. he is not a happy person that also needs therapy.
me: yeong-su doesn't really train his birds to do anything because they're legit his babies. at most they listen to him when he whistles and talks or pick up small things
me: what is sava's dog like? when it's not being goofy.
𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐀 𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐍𝐎𝐃 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 — her body quick to surrender to the pull of exhaustion.
❝ Yeah... you’re right. ❞ Of course he was. The persistent pounding in her skull, a throbbing sensation that seemed to reverberate through every aching nerve ending in her body, was undeniable evidence of that. And yet...
She shifted anyway, restless even beneath the man’s caring gaze. ❝ It’s just... did everyone make it out unscathed? ❞
Once he’s sure that she won’t spring up again, Caio’s hand slowly lifts off the woman’s shoulder. She seemed fine, just tired. Whatever adrenaline she’d been feeling prior has likely been exhausted by this point and that, coupled with the tumble she allegedly took and the physical assistance rendered to to others, is likely catching up to her now.
“They did… they’re fine.” comes his reassurance, “Are you okay, though? Any lightheartedness or pain? Any trouble breathing?”
Caio tips his head to the side. “Any other injuries that aren't visible?”
🩸 this is not a thought that would realistically happen with most people ( espexially with Yeong-su's aversion to drinking from people ) but every now and then, i think about someone pressing their thumb against one of his canines hard enough to whwee it draws blood as like... a test of how much control he has over himself.
And he normally has a lot but you know... 🍵 depends on the person.
product of some discord conversation i had ( where i must explain that yeong-su makes faces and wrinkles his nose a lot when he's very close to someone instead of outright frowning or looking angry with his rbf. so if someone is "getting on his nerves", he'll wrinkle his nose to show that he's displeased but not by much )
I had... very strong Wulf thoughts this morning that i have been mulling over for like... his entire existence. And it also comes back up bevause of my whole "i should really stop Caio by the code name based on his barcode". because where i initially went "well he chooses for people to call him that, i kept forgetting "yeah thats because he gets uncomfortable when people call him yeong-su and treat him like a person when he does not fully see himself as one." And thats in addition to hating when ji-hwan does it purely because Ji-Hwan has not earned that and the familiarity of using his govt name with him does make him... feel some type of way. So i'm leaning towards him thinking caio and yeong-su are two different people
And then i go to the other two. Ranni does not hold reservations against her code name anymore because she turned it into a representation of all her anger, all her pain, all her misfortune, and its funnelled out into a vigilante type figure. That way, she can maintain that Jakari is who she is and Ranni is who she has been turned into by others. Dont know if this is entirely healthy because it can ( and does ) lead to a bit of a cognitive dissonance between
Wulf, on the other hand, does not see a separation between "Wulf" and Sava. Everything Wulf does under instruction is something Sava would do, to him. And that extends to the cruel things that he has done at Ji-Hwan's direction. And because that line is so blurred, his true wants and needs are just... nonexistent. Like beyond anything that is tied to him functioning as a little toy soldier, Sava doesn't have much that ties him to this world save for Wulf. And Wulf is just a dog on a leash waiting for his next instruction.
you put two so you get two. warning, the second one is long.
ONE
Certain groups of people on this site do not hold their friends accountable for shit and i think that is one of the main reasons why we still get shit like callouts that literally could've been resolved by both parties blocking each other and moving on and never acknowledging each other. or people openly vagueing others even though it's in their rules that they don't like it when it's about them or that they "hate drama". or say you value communication but it's only communication that doesn't paint you in a bad light. I don't understand why I have to learn about the latest disagreement about some shit that is none of my business because someone thought they were Doing Something and "taking someone down" over some self-righteous nonsense. you can not like someone quietly. that's a very important skill.
you should be able to recognize and tell your friends that they're being assholes if it's true. you should be able to take that you're being an asshole if it's true and reflect on that. it's unpleasant sometimes but tough titties. we all have to be a little uncomfortable and awkward sometimes.
why does it become everyone else's problem that you and your friend group can't talk about something, decide whether or not it's a big deal ( and it's usually not ), and move on. why does trivial shit that will not matter in in two years still get listed in a callout like it's a felony with screenshots and timestamps and all that shit? why do you have to put it on the dash and throw shade for no reason? why are you subtly starting shit and claiming to be peaceful? like what the fuck is your problem? and it be these same people that complain about communication this and communication that--you are part of the problem!!!!!
callouts should be reserved for people that are an actual danger to the community. callouts should be reserved for people that are abusive. people that have a documented history of stalking. people that have ( or have threatened to ) assault someone. callouts are not because you don't like someone and they didn't "respect your time" or some dumb shit like that. be so fucking serious--you're a grown ass adult. grow the fuck up and stop misusing it. stop vaguing on the dash. kiki to your friends, maybe change your rules if it's that serious, then shut the fuck up.
you're MORE than allowed to not like someone. hell, your friend group is MORE than allowed to not like someone. unpleasant experiences exist and i have had plenty of them. but the NORMAL thing to do is to mind your business and stay in your lane. why is so hard to not for SOME PEOPLE to not make their experiences a community event? and why can't some of you talk your friends out of doing this shit? i desperately want to know what has some of y'all so froggy because why is there always a compulsion to fight and prove something when there's nothing to prove.
i don't care if this is the only form of control you have in your life--stop doing that shit. the world is literally burning around us and you want to throw your weight around on this site for WHAAAAT? points??? you're driving down the property value and you're scaring the hoes.
TWO ( this one is very long )
i personally think the pro/anti discourse at large is kinda stupid and has lost a lot of the plot. and with the way media literacy is declining, i don't think many people are well equipped to even have that discussion, much less think critically about because they often fall into "it's all or nothing" talking points. i'm not an arbiter of what discourse is correct or which side is the right one, but i have noticed that people like to go to extremes and make a whole scene when they really shouldn't. and it's getting worse, i feel. it might just be my age but... dude...
and before i get burned at the stake for pro this or anti that, i have a MYRIAD of things that i think are fucking gross, reprehensible, and truly think that if it's used for "content" here someone needs to re-evaluate their life choices or get their head checked. i have blocked people over them without hesitation because i do not want to see it. i don't want it near me. don't touch me with a ten foot pole. don't care. don't talk to me.
i also have a couple things that I am very neutral or okay towards that i know people with Opinions would be like "oh and you're okay with that? you're okay with people writing that?" and i have accepted it because i think it's rather tame. and i still don't care. don't touch me. don't talk to me :).
i am firmly in a grey area and i think i'm good here. i used to be very rigid on what i thought was right and wrong in these spaces. then I got older and my perspective on a lot of things changed, as it does with many people. because it changed, i began to realize how limited my view of shit was and while my hardline "don't ever write this" things have not changed and i have not softened on them, i also stay in my lane.
for example, i recently read parable of the sower by octavia e. butler. and in that book, there's a moment where the main character ( who is freshly 18 ) has sex with with some dude that is more than twice her age ( like in his 50s ). and this dude thought she was a lot older than she was. it doesn't matter, though, because shortly after the horizontal tango, he learns that she is old enough to be his daughter. and let me tell you, i was uncomfortable in the lead-up, during, and after because they just move on with that and in the book, it's okay. I had to stop reading for a week or two because I was like "what the fuck is this?" since it teetered a little too close towards my boundaries on what i find acceptable. coupled with the fact that i am well aware of the adultification of black youth and how that has been happening her entire life in the book, I had to stop because it didn't matter that she was 18. it felt twisted because i knew the context of what was happening and i just went "absolutely not."
however, i went back and finished the book despite that because i recognized that i'm not supposed to be comfortable with it. i'm not supposed to read it and be like "yeah, this is not weird at all." and i still think that it's very weird. but i do plan on reading the rest of her books because i want to and i think it's a worthwhile read. i think this perfectly summarizes what my stance on things are because THAT, among other things, could get the book labelled as some gross pro-ship shit if it was in a popular manga, anime, or show bc frankly, it is QUESTIONABLE at best imo.
so i think while it's important to curate your space and push out shit that makes you deeply uncomfortable or triggers you ( big proponent of that because the block button is my best friend ), i feel like we need to keep in mind how quickly we all can backslide into aggressive censorship or self-sanitization. if you don't learn how to think critically about the content you are critiquing, you will not be able analyze anything you read objectively. and that is a fact. better yet, you will not HAVE anything to think critically about at some point regardless of whether or not it's acceptable.
on the flipside, i don't want some stupid "free speech w/arrior" excusing something that would have me feeling like i would end up on the news if we chatted, you know? that is also a lack of critical thinking that is void of an objective view because people "don't want to think too hard" and "it's not that deep" ( the latter phrase, I fucking HATE with a passion ). when i think your ass deserves to be under the jail, i will tell you. unfortunately, i have a lot more experience with the former as opposed to the latter so a lot of my opinions are formed by that experience.
it's easy with topics that are universally hated, universally labelled gross, or are clearly predatory. Since those topics are so identifiable and shoved away, the only path forward is often straight into the greyer areas and that can be legitimately dangerous. I know some people are already tuning out but it's true.
if you've ever engaged in writing "dark themes" or horror--which i know a LOT of people do, your ass is RIGHT in that area. if you've written a villain or someone that is morally questionable, you're there too. if you LIKE these characters or think that they're at all interesting, you're probably there too even if you never write them.
if your mentality is "i'm one of the good ones. I've never done xyz" in some regard, i don't know how to tell you that it will not save you and it has NEVER saved anyone when it comes to censorship. the luxury you have of not really having to think about what you post is something you should not take for granted because a lot of us do. you think your speech is safe but by admission, you have already proven that it's not by labeling yourself "one of the good ones" in a space where you should not have to. Who are you telling "i'm one of the good ones" to, huh? Who????
in the same vein, i do think that there are some topics we s hould never touch ever again... and sometimes, no amount of "it's fiction" will make me change my mind. we are a bunch a people playing barbies on this site and i don't care how much "experience" you think you have by simply writing in this hobby. it is not substitute for a deep dive into heavy topics that you have no business touching.
i think people who like touching every single topic without regard or care just because someone told them that they can't can inflict harm in the carelessness of the way they handle it. i detest when people are not able to be honest with themselves and say "i'm not handling this well or in good faith so i shouldn't touch it". you think you can handle it or you think you're entitled to it when in reality, you cannot and you are not. you think you're doing something subversive and you just handed me slop that i find grossly offensive. like you could've spent your energy doing anything else but nooooooooo.
but all that said, that is why i think the staunch, vehement discourse is stupid. a lot of it comes from binary ways of thinking and that much is just not grounded in reality. it might be your reality but that much is not universal. you can continue to fight but the argument is often very fucking pointless because it really sounds like "either all of it is okay or none of it is okay". that's not fucking productive at all but that's all some of y'all do.
again, i am not an arbiter of right and wrong. i just think people need to cut that shit out, go outside, touch some grass, and read more books. turn off your fucking phone. get off social media
reblogging again because i'm really feeling this AGAIN. but more because i want to wax on about how the disordered but resonant nature of this song really encapsulates anything i think of whenever i think about caio (yeong-su) in the main verse. this can also apply to those termed "gifted" in general ( ie: this song also does resonate with ranni (jakari) and wulf (sava) as well ).
just thinking about how all the gifted are like... linked in some way or another--regardless of whether or not they've met. like at the back of my head, the gifted are like... a colony of bees, to be honest. a hive. all connected and if they knew how to tap into it, they could all speak to each other. and to normies ( i.e: anyone that isn't gifted ), the way they would communicate wouldn't be something anyone understands but them. i don't wanna say they're a hive mind because... it's not exactly right. but it can function like one with the right push. they all serve a function and whether they know it or not, they all know their function
hence, why yeong-su is a doctor. mind you, he was influenced a LOT by ji-hwan but... this man knows nothing but healing others. his hands are not meant for harm and ideally would never be used that way. he and others like him are the glue that keeps the hive alive. every life has value in it so they save every single one.
sava, as unfortunate as his circumstances are ( which i can discuss but won't dbjfgsd) steps into the role of an attack dog very easily. but that is also because that too is his function. he and others like him are the reason the hive stays protected. defended. has shelter. can sleep easy. he doesn't need to be molded into it if he's predisposed.
and lastly, there's jakari. and though she is intentionally solitary for the most part right now, it is not a choice she would make for herself. she is not a person that thrives on her own, but in a group. always at the front. always ahead looking back at the people behind her. always making sure no one gets left behind. she and others like her are the reason the hive not only survives but thrives and expands.
but back to the song--i just can't get the thought of them all communicating in some strange way with each other. and that's only compounded by the lore i already have written down about their relationship to the planet they're on. and like... this is something ingrained in them. even if they can't use their abilities, that connection will persist--even when they return to eos and are nothing but dirt. they will always make harmonious noise. always orderly chaos. no together, no, but they are in sync and they gravitate to each other.
it is not an accident that these three meet or are exposed to each other. it will not be an accident when another three or four meet after them. or the five after that. they may not want aything to do with each other ( such is the case with yeong-su and jakari with sava )... but it does not matter. it is by design that they behave this way.
Till is trying to be discreet. The key word is trying. It helps that he's covering much of his clothes with a heavy jacket and a hat covering his hair. Having just come inside from breathing outside fresh air gives him credibility on it and is the whole reason he wasn't backstage in the first place. As much as he loves performing, loves playing. The stage is hot and suffocating as time goes on and he always needs fresh air beforehand.
What he's not counting on is running right into someone on his way toward the edges of the venue where security will recognize him. Normally, he'd just breeze past and not deal with any of that further only when he is about to -- he recognizes the person and it has him perking up.
"Woah, hey, aren't you Kal Yeong-Su? I didn't know you'd like something like my -- oh, uh, like this?" Till had to correct cause he suddenly didn't know if highlighting who he was exactly was the best idea given others weren't far off and he didn't want to get trampled.
The musician blinks when his full name is called and his attention immediately flicks to the other man. His gut reaction is one of instant apprehension — less born out of full-throated fear and more a product of simply being recognized in a venue such as the one he current stood near. Yeong-Su wasn’t that well-disgused ( and at most, just lacking his glasses and some of his more common outfit choices ) but still, he didn’t think he’d be all that recognizable in this circle.
To be recognized not two minutes after stepping aside had to be some sort of record.
His brows furrow at first, either trying to place the face semi-hidden beneath the hat… or trying to validate that it was he thought it was. A slow “Well…” leaves him as he processes it, but he’s quick to straighten up and follow through with more afterwards.
“...Is there some sort of prerequisite for liking… “this”?” he then asks, recognition flickering across his features for a moment before his expression is neutral again. “I’m just a fan… same as anyone else.”
How long has it been since he last had something that triggered his clairvoyance? Skye couldn't remember but he definitely remembered this feeling. It's a feeling that is quite difficult to express unless you are fellow clairvoyant but he knows this feeling. He merely touched what was left behind out of curiosity only to be hit by a vision, leaving him physically there but mentally, somewhere else observing.
A vision of a very sick youth, bedridden with perhaps... a fever? Skye could tell the youth seems to be a younger version of the man he has just met. Does that mean this is his? It was on the ground not too far from where they were after all...
By the time his vision is over, Skye could hear the staff asking him if he is alright, he nods as a reply. No surprises there, as to them it just seems that the man has frozen in place upon picking up the bracelet. Silently, he got up and went back to his seat.
「 ⁅ Hey! This is yours, right? ⁆ 」
Skye waved at the man who came back, with the bracelet in hand.
Caio’s gaze is immediately drawn to the man that calls his attention, hazel eyes flicking to the small object being held up for him to see. He quickly recognizes it as his and what follows is a sizable wave of relief coursing though him. The anxiety that had been sitting at the back of his throat shrinks down enough to swallow and in the next breath, he’s exhaling slowly. There are small thoughts of how or why the item slipped off his wrist ( especially when secured with a clasp ) but those thoughts are left alone for now.
As he approaches, Caio nods his head a bit with a “It is...”, more focused on the chain than the man for a bit. The closer he gets, though, the more familiar this stranger seems. He’s a regular, like him.
“I was worried that I dropped it somewhere…” Though, without even having it back in his possession, he could see that the clasp had come undone…. It likely slipped off when he was leaving.
Caio offers the other man and grateful little nod of his head. “Thank you for finding it.”
