byandfar

Collection of poems  2010 - ongoing

[byandfar]

I have lived long enough

To feel a different kind of empty

All my words are used up

And now I am just stray threads

Unspooled and frayed

Thin in every place

Cut too soon from the cloth

[byandfar]

I wear gloves to hide my fingerprints

I don't want you knowing that I was in

My hands were getting cold anyway

You were heavy in my hold, and you fell away

My mother grew taller in a dark room

While I was young with little to look up to

They didn't see me after that I was a shade

A curse and a disgrace that people like you made

I'm often just a cloud that keeps the sun at bay

And no one ever begs for a gloomy day

I hang like a mist over everyone who knows me

I'll fade from your head if let be

But I won't go easy

So don't forget me

[byandfar]

I traded the color of my eyes

For an old fox stole

And I ran in its skin for three moons

And drank melted snow

I burrowed into the earth

And returned to a woman

On a night so dark

And devoid of stars

That I could scarcely see my own skin

My fingernails packed with black dirt

The face in the lake

Mouth smeared red

Was a stranger's

With gray eyes

[byandfar]

I don't even know you right now

They come up through the mirror

They pull themselves through the blood

I left in the sink

Who are you in my room

A shadow of someone

I knew once

I turn my head when they call your name

But we are separate now

I look at you

Where you manifest across from me

Dark and faded

Like a hungry ghost

Touching my cheek

This skin used to be yours

[byandfar]

I hide in my vines

But the flowers bloom on my skin

If you see me like this

I'll break apart

Into petals and panic

[byandfar]

I met a god on a hillside

One foggy morning, years ago

His hair was long

And his eyes were black

And his antlers were burdened with moss

He stood beside a sword

Thrust in the dirt

So old it had turned to rust and stone

He leaned a hand on its hilt

And told me its story

From ore to heat to hand

How it cut and how it crumbled into dust

How it was shaped and what it was

I was crying and I didn't know why

He held me like a storm holds a sea

And told me how we all end someday

But for brief beautiful moments

We shine like iron in the sun

[byandfar]

My hands wash over bone

The rounded ends of joints

The long lines between

I feel the cavities

The pores

The absence

There are places where I am lifeless

Deep ravines in the depths

Too dark for the sighted to see

Only cutthroat things swim there

Luring, waiting for the weak to trickle down

I find the remains of something great

Something so giant

It is too colossal to name

But its eyes spark the memory

Of all that came before

So many things that will never wash ashore

So many things remain lost

Unfound

Unknown

They become sand along the floor

I wonder where they go

When they still

Or when they are eaten

By things with sharper teeth

By things that swallow whole

Do they join the moon?

In the vast blackness

As new stars

Uncountable

Or do they swim elsewhere

Some second sea

Just beyond where I can reach

With my rushing fingers

And lapping tides

There are things even I don't know

I smooth the bones

Until they are unrecognizable

Until they could be anything

[byandfar]

I went running

I hadn't run in years and it was hard

Even breathing hurt

My legs throbbed

And my knees screamed

But it felt like remembering

I used to be the fastest kid in my class

I could run a lap in half the time as the others

And it felt good

My shoes hitting the ground

A breakneck sprint

Like I was coming up on something

It was discovery

My heart was going ahead of my body

Come this way

Hurry! Hurry!

Or you'll miss it

I used to take off my shoes when I was younger

And my bare feet would hit hot pavement

Too fast to feel the burn of it

Propel myself forward

Like a deer in the fields adjacent

Jumping just out of reach

I went running

And I came up on a hill

And it burned to climb

But I was coming up on something

Reaching out

Struggling up and up and up

My legs were going to give out

But then I was up there

At the top

Discovery

[byandfar]

The tide was turning

Twisting and reaching ever upward

Pulling itself forward

At the crux of nightfall

Surging in the open sea

Drawing back at the shore

Climbing, climbing

Toward the moon

And her open arms

Calling it home

It built a tower

[byandfar]

I don't think I had dreams

They were too hot to hold

I said I was made of starlight

But I was faded gold

I wanted to be the vision

I wanted to be the one

I wanted to be the reason

The fire in the blood

I think I'm a black hole

Where the lights blow out

There's a world of glass around me

I'm the doubt

[byandfar]

Are you gold and honey

Are you falling from the sky

Love me baby in the sunrise

Eat my heart at night

Can't it wait

Can't it wait

My fire burns so cold sometimes

Can't get a word in edgewise

Can't wait up too late

Aren't you honey

Aren't you the wise

I've got one bad night in my heart

And another in my blood

Let's let it rush

Down my burnt skin

You're all I've got

Until it carries me away

[byandfar]

There was a time when the young lifted their swords to the sky

When they cried out to you on a march

When they saw your eyes in the storm

When they were bruised and bloodied and falling apart

Your bones take up space in some field now

Old war god

They crawl with little things

That make their homes in the crevices you create

The rain will wash the ribs of you smooth

The rain will wash you away some day

[byandfar]

You must know it's a mistake

To call me by that name

I am the one who sang the stars into being

Through my eyes the universe is seen

I gave my life to the one that summoned lightning

In this cosmos I am free

Kneel before my visage and pray

There is more than one way to be saved

[byandfar]

Do you hear the call

Do you hear the roaring

Gods can be killed

All we must do

Is pull the life from their throats

[byandfar]

Why should I bother to be sunny

The world is wasting anyway

We are in an awful place

I've tried not to lose hope for years

And it gets me nowhere

Why not let me live these last few years in peace

Every morning's a surprise

But not truly a blessing

The gods are dead

Or they tire of listening

[byandfar]

I know I'm wrong but why am I

Always the guilty party

I'm always the broken part

The malfunctioning piece

Who could look past that

Who could love me

When I'm the monster

When I want to make mad

When I want to tear you down

Just to know that I can

I know it's wrong but somehow I'm always

The guilty one

So why should I

Bother not to be bitter

[byandfar]

Go when the ground is so wet the mud sucks your shoes off your feet

When the rain comes suddenly

Beating hard on the crown of your head

While it fills the world up

And rivals the amount of tears you've cried in your life

Bring light

The place is dark

So violently black it'll eat up any noise you make

But don't be frightened

I've known that darkness all my life

It's not as monstrous as it may seem

All life is made in darkness

In cradles in the void

I don't know myself

Who I'd be without it

Someone lesser

Not quite as heavy

A stranger

So go there in the evening

When the sun settles beyond the horizon

You'll find me there

A prisoner in my skin

You'll know my name